Dana Gould Quotes

I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? Get out there and play like horny old ladies!

Let's all start wearing bolo ties, and when they become hip again, we'll all say we were kidding.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

I'm no longer afraid of not making enough mistakes.

If you're selling something on Craiglist, it's never a good idea to end the description with, May have lice.

If you encounter someone who pronounces the t in often, odds are they're a douchebag.

As I die, and my life flashes before my eyes, I want to see who made faces at me when I turned my head. That's all I want to see.

I try to look on the bright side, but it really hurts my eyes.

This is just a hunch, but I bet airplanes think helicopters are assholes.

It's been years since any hillbilly has reported getting sodomized by an alien. Did they break up and not tell us?

Please don't let all the freak storms and climate change lead you to believe in freak storms and climate change.

I like to think of murder-suicide as extreme multitasking.

In the midst of all the candy and commercialism, let's not lose sight of the true meaning of Halloween: tree worship and animal sacrifice.

Gorillas would be less scary with bunny ears. Actually, what isn't less scary with bunny ears? Osama Bin Laden with bunny ears. Ha! So cute.

I don't mind being alone when I'm surrounded by people, I just hate being alone when I'm alone.

For men there are costumes like fireman, policeman and vampire. For women there are costumes like slutty fireman, slutty policeman and slutty vampire.

I think I had an argument with a hypnotist this morning. It makes perfect sense as I have no memory of it.

My fantasy football team got mixed up in another fantasy and now they're stuck on a pirate ship with a chick in a Catwoman suit.

The Elephant Man claimed his head was big because, it's so full of dreams. Actually, it's because his skull was shaped like a turkey.

I have all my ex-girlfriends lumped into one big girlfriend I called M.A.N.D.Y.: My, Another Neurotic Disappointment? Yes.

I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of walnuts.

Maybe the next three Star Wars movies will tell the story of how the last three Star Wars movies got so shitty.

It's nice to live in a country that has its priorities straight: the library's open three hours a week, and the House of Fist is 24/7.

Why do some bald guys grow ponytails? It it the same reason people too old to run always wear track shoes and sweat pants?

I used to fear living a life untouched by God, but now, for some reason I've gone back to being afraid of cement mixers.

We come into this world naked, covered in our own blood, screaming in terror - and it doesn't have to stop there if you know how to live right

We all enter this world in the same way: naked, screaming, soaked in blood. But if you live your life right, that kind of thing doesn't have to stop there.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog ...

To me 30 isn't old. But it's definitely the beginning of no longer young. Because you notice little subtle things happen to you. You'll be in your car driving around listening to the radio and hear stuff like, That's was an oldie from The Clash.

Classified ads of the Ku Klux Klan: Tired of all the games? Do you like racial purity, horses and dressing up like a ghost?

When you break life down, it's about 100% time management.

Every time I fold the baby's clothes I feel like a giant that got a housekeeping job with a nice family.

Because of Bluetooth headsets, it's getting more and more difficult to tell who's schizophrenic and who's on a conference call.

I used to pessimistically think I was going to die alone, but now I optimistically know I'm going to die hoping to meet someone.

I'm going to live until I die, and everything in between is just another excuse to eat peanut butter.

The hole on the face of an acoustic guitar is called the sound hole. The one of the face of its player is called the sincerity hole.

Something tells me that Mitt Romney's sex face is the same as his regular face.

Love is like pancreatitis; it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.

Having sex with a dead grammar teacher is a violation of past tense usage.

Twitter is not a good place for people who feel they're being followed.

I try to live in the moment, but by the time I get there it's too late.

Chihuahuas are the perfect pet if you don't have a person in your life who screams and shits their pants every time there's a noise.

There's something vaguely erotic about watching a woman eat a banana while cupping two plums.

The magazine at the health food store said, Stop Aging! Isn't that what death is for? Trust me, we're all gonna stop aging ...

When I found out that coffins are padded, I stopped fearing death.

Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten.

Being funny is not the same as being happy.

If you gave a bag of potato chips to the guy who invented Pringles, he'd look at you like you were trying to hand him an abortion.

Just saw a woman with a big tattoo of Jesus on her back. I guess it's an ixnay on the oggy style-day.

My daughter will say she's hungry, and I'm like, 'Buddy, you're just bored. Do you understand? And you're already starting a pattern of satisfying an internal disconnect with an external stimulation, and that's a dead-end road, sweetie. Courtney Love lives on that road; you don't want to live on that road.

It might not be rational, but I am terrified of getting stuck in an elevator with a bear.

Like many indelible family memories, carving a pumpkin begins with someone grabbing a really sharp knife.

One day they will invent a time machine and, like the internet, it will be used primarily for boning.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

We broke up, and my first reaction was 'Fine - I've been through this too many times. I can't change your mind. I can't live your life for you. You're gone in your direction. I'm going to pick up; I'm going to go in my direction. I'm not going to live in the past. I'm not going to embrace the pain. You go, I'll go, and that will be it.' And I felt that way for an hour and 10 minutes.

I've never slept with a virgin, but I love breaking the seal on a new peanut butter.

Do people in the Ku Klux Klan who die and come back as ghosts have to wear two sheets when attending the rally?

A great way to be left alone on the subway is to appear to be deep in conversation with a small knife.

Why is it, when I have nothing to do, I drink more coffee? It's as if I'm in a big hurry to get nothing done.

Is there an award for the best trophy? I bet they hand out a plaque.

My dog is so old, she now has a lot of cats.

If Abe Lincoln took part in the Republican debates, he would look out of place with his intelligence, compassion and gaping head wound.

The simple act of smiling at people makes the world a better place. Unless it's the day you decide to walk around with your dong out.

Whoever coined the phrase, killing two birds with one stone, not only hated birds but also thought we needed to conserve stones.

As hard as I try to live with some degree of faith in my life, I just can't believe that the full moon can turn dude into a wolf.

...Long story longer...

Homo sapiens are the only mammals who intentionally hold Beard Of Bees competitions.

The expression working like a dog dates back to a time in America when men would rise early, then lie around all day and lick their balls.

Marriage is like a row boat: it fits two, it doesn't work on auto-pilot and it's very difficult to have sex in.

Cupcakes - when you want to watch your weight, but still feel the pride that comes with eating an entire cake.

Even if I say, Everyone in the village died of diarrhea, I still laugh a little after diarrhea.

If my dog wants to know why I didn't feed him this morning, he may want to rethink walking out of the room when I'm telling him a joke.

Always think twice before asking anything of anyone that ends in the words, on your face.

You rarely get a convincing lecture on playing to your strength from a bald guy with a ponytail.

Centuries ago, human beings created marriage. Later, they looked to the sky and dreamt of traveling to the moon. Coincidence?

My whole approach to marriage is simple: my wife will do something that drives me insane, I won't say anything, and then, later, I'll die of cancer.

Does anyone remember how we used to get cash before ATM's? Did we have to go inside the bank? Then what? We lived like apes!

If you want to see what I'll look like as an old guy, check out any recent photo of me.

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

If I'm alone in the car and I fart, I still laugh at it. It's the little things that keep us civilised ...

I feel very uncomfortable when I eat in restaurants. I'm obnoxiously polite with the waiters: 'I just want a tuna sandwich. I'll go get it. You sit here - I'll get it, I'll make it.

Republicans don't believe government works, and get into it to prove it will fail. Same with strippers and relationships.

Since the dawn of time, primitive humans thought, loved and had poetry. They also pooped on everything. It was horrible.

The circus goes from town to town, so why run away to join it? It should be, I've decided to wait for the circus to come.

I like my coffee the way I like my women: after waiting impatiently in a long line.

I don't want to appear to be placing blame, but as far my life is concerned, everything is pretty much my dad's ball's fault.

Reality TV is the perfect antidote to people who don't have enough self-centered douchebags in their life.

Somewhere a woman is praying her toddler wins a beauty pageant. I say this because sometimes people wonder why God lets tornadoes happen.

If life begins at conception, but you can be born again later, only to live on eternally after death, what's the big deal about anything?

What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?

What's a farmer's market without some guy singing Here Comes The Sun in a way that makes you wish the sun would stop coming up.

I was watching Batman, the TV show, on TV Land, on the cable. And Robin said to Batman, Golly, Batman! Why is the Joker so evil!? And Batman said, Careful, Robin. The criminal mind sees the world through a prism the solid citizen dare not peer through. Batman has a more nuanced worldview than the president.

It's gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible castle. Set the alarm!

I bet when all the punctuation marks have a party, they quietly look at exclamation point's wife and think, that poor woman.

Many stroke survivors look back on their attack as a stroke of luck. Of course, by luck they mean horrible paralysis.

59% of all suicides are actually botched murder-suicides performed by dyslexics.

Every day is a gift. That said, I've gotten some pretty shitty gifts over the years ...

As Global Warming raises temparatures, it takes longer to cool pies on window sills, and I wonder if this whole thing was caused by hobos.

Have you ever dated a Goth chick for four or five months until you realized she was just an Orthodox Jew? They have the same costumes.

The man who invented instant pudding was moved to action by an inability to wait for pudding.