Graham Chapman Quotes

We found that we didn't have much problem with him [J.C.], it was his followers we found questionable.

First you must find ... another shrubbery! Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must place it here, beside this shrubbery, only slightly higher so you get a two layer effect with a little path running down the middle. ("A path! A path!") Then, you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forrest ... with ... a herring!

You know, Python should have won a Grammy for our musical work on the show.

Your highness, when I said that you are like a stream of bat's piss, I only mean that you shine out like a shaft of gold when all around it is dark

When you're chewing on life's gristle
Don't grumble, give a whistle
And this'll help things turn out for the best ...
And ... always look on the bright side of life ...
Always look on the light side of life.

Sir Beldevere: What makes you think she's a witch?
Peasant 3: Well, she turned me into a newt!
Sir Beldevere: A newt?
Peasant 3: [meekly after a long pause] ... I got better.
Crowd: [shouts] Burn her anyway!

McGough: I'm sorry. I'm afraid I've caught poetry.
Mr Bones: Oh really? Well, don't worry, sir - I used to suffer from short stories.
McGough: Really? When?
Mr Bones: Oh, once upon a time ...

Tis but a scratch!"
"A scratch? Your arm's off!"
"No it isn't."
"Then what's that?"
"Oh come on, pansy!

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I fart in your general direction.

Kilimanjaro is a pretty tricky climb you know, most of it's up until you reach the very very top, and then it tends to slope away rather sharply.

The universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding
In all of the directions it can whizz
As fast as it can go, at the speed of light, you know,
Twelve million miles a minute, and that's the fastest speed there is.
So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure,
How amazingly unlikely is your birth,
And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space,
'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth.

No one expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise, fear and surprise; two chief weapons, fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency! Er, among our chief weapons are: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, and near fanatical devotion to the Pope! Um, I'll come in again ...

What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?

NI!
Oh no! Not ni!

We come from nothing, we are going back to nothing-In the end what have we lost? Nothing!

Dennis the Peasant: Listen. Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.
Arthur: Be quiet!
Dennis: You can't expect to wield supreme power just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!

Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?

By the power bestowed in me by the Ministry of Silly Underpants ...

I am known by many names, but you may call me...Tim.

If life seems jolly rotten, There's something you've forgotten.

Oh Lord please don't burn us don't kill or toast your flock. Don't put us on the barbecue or simmer us in stock. Don't bake or baste or boil us or stir-fry us in a wok.

I can't talk to a man who bears an undeserved animosity towards ferrets.

For male readers: imagine being nine months constipated having inadvertently swallowed a coconut whole, and then being asked to lie on an operating table, legs apart, with lots of people watching dressed in silly clothes. Would you be able to shit?

I'm afraid I'm not personally qualified to confuse cats.

It's just a flesh wound!

I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.

There is no cannibalism in the British navy, absolutely none, and when I say none, I mean there is a certain amount.

You see, I don't belive that libraries should be drab places where people sit in silence, that has been the main reason for our policy of employing wild animals as librarians.

When Beethoven went deaf, the mynah bird just used to mime.

We don't deliberately set out to offend. Unless we feel it's justified.

When danger reared its ugly head,
He bravely turned his tail and fled.

An argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a definite proposition ... A contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of anything the other person says.
No, it's not ...

In 1945, peace broke out. It was the end of the Joke. Joke warfare was banned at a special session of the Geneva Convention, and in 1950 the last remaining copy of the joke was laid to rest here in the Berkshire countryside, never to be told again.

Exploding is a perfectly normal medical phenomenon.

WHAT is your name? WHAT is your quest? and WHAT is your favorite color?

She turned me into a newt.
... But I got better...

Dressing up as decrepit old ladies, and even decrepit young ladies, was one of our staples.

One thing for sure - a sheep is not a creature of the air.

One, two, ... five!"
"Three, my lord.

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Oh, you're in television! That's interesting. No, I mean, the word television is interesting. It's a hybrid, you see: tele- comes from the greek, and -vision comes from the latin. It should have been either "telerama", or "procolvision".

World War II ... did not happen to everyone, but it happened to most. There were people from Germany who were throwing bombs at us.

Matter is energy. In the universe, there are many energy fields which we cannot normally perceive. Some energies have a spiritual source which act upon a person's soul. However, this soul does not exist ab initio, as orthodox Christianity teaches. It has to be brought into existence by a process of guided self-observation. However, this is rarely achieved, owing to man's unique ability to be distracted from spiritual matters by everyday trivia.

I mean, if I went 'round saying I was an emperor, just because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!

Camelot is a silly place.