Janet Evanovich Quotes

I shot that sucker right in the gumpy.
Grandma Mazur

Think of this as an adventure, Diesel said.
I'm from Jersey. I get my adventure on the Turnpike.

Ranger locked eyes with me. "Please," he said.
Tank and Hal were goggle-eyed. They weren't used to "please." I wasn't used to it either. But I liked it.
Okay," I said. "Be careful. He's insane.

Jamie felt as though her heart would literally take flight from her crest. Damn her and her mouth. "Nick, I was sort of exaggerating about how nasty I was going to act of the plane. Why can't we just leave Fleas with Max and get going?"
"She's lying, Nick," Max said. "You don't do things her way and she turns into Satan's daughter.

There was no expression to his face. He looked like he'd seen it all and didn't think much of it.

If she wasn't your grandmother I'd shoot her.
Ranger

I felt my cell phone buzz, and I looked at the screen. Ranger.
"Your GPS just went blank," Ranger said when I answered.
"The car exploded." There was a beat of silence.
"Rafael won the pool," Ranger said. "Are you okay?"
"Yes."
"I'll send someone.

I take in a lot of stuff from real life, movies, television, news and it all gets mixed in my head and somehow turns into a story idea.

Sliced off like a chicken neck and stuck with a hatpin. Reminded me of my husband." Lula leaned forward so she could whisper. "You talking about size? Was your man's part that big?" "Heck no," Grandma said. "His part was that dead.

Uh-oh," Ranger said. "you been reading those Nancy Drew books again?

Concentrate on doing the job, not the fear.

I could use some lunch." "Do you have any money?" "No," Lula said. "Do you?" "No." "There's only one thing to do then. Senior buffet." Ten minutes later, I pulled into the Costco parking lot.

Cracker Jacks don't count as junk food because they're corn and peanuts, which we know to be high in nutrition. And they have a prize inside.

By about the sixth romance I knew I wasn't in exactly the right place. I liked writing action. And I wanted to write a book with a little more edge than I was allowed in romance.

Lennie Smullenski and Anthony Zuck bake the goodies in the back room in big steel ovens and troughs of hot oil. Clouds of flour and sugar sift onto table surfaces and slip under foot. And lard is transferred daily from commercial sized vats directly to local butts.

I'm thinking about getting a computer so I can have cybersex," Grandma said. "Anybody know how that works?" "You go into a chat room," Valerie said. "And you meet someone. And then you type dirty suggestions to each other." "That sounds like fun," Grandma said. "How does the sex part happen?" "You sort of have to do the sex part yourself." "I knew it was too good to be true," Grandma said. "There's always a catch to everything.

A complete stranger
a giant pancake, no less
has just appeared in their home," Boyd said. "Why isn't anyone reacting to this? Wouldn't they be screaming in terror?"
"They love pancakes," Stan said.
"What would they do if a fried chicken leg walked in?"
"I'm not sure a chicken leg could walk in," said the script supervisor, a lady who wore three layers of shirts and sucked on a pencil as if it were a pacifier. "I suppose it could hop."
Stan looked over his shoulder at her. "let me handle this." He turned back to Boyd. "The family knows you. You're not just another pancake off the street. You're a celebrity pancake, the Jay Leno of breakfast foods. Would anyone throw Leno out of their house?"
"Okay, assuming you're right, I'm a pancake asking this family to eat me. Am I suicidal or simply filled with self-loathing?"
"Take your pick," Stan said. "Whatever will get you through the scene.

Tinted windows rounded the corner, obviously chasing Kevin. It blew past us, screeching to a

This is a little awkward," I said, "but my mother just ran over the rabbit."
"Ran over?"
"As in roadkill. We're not sure what to do about it."
"Where are you?"
"Giovichinni's, buying lunch meat."
"And the rabbit?"
"Gone. He was with two other guys. They scooped him up off the road and drove away with him."
There was a long silence on the phone. "I'm fucking speechless," Morelli finally said.

Arson is a respected profession among certain subcultures in Jersey, and the good ones don't get caught. The good ones channel lightning and mysterious acts of spontaneous combustion.

Romance novels are birthday cake and life is often peanut butter and jelly. I think everyone should have lots of delicious romance novels lying around for those times when the peanut butter of life gets stuck to the roof of your mouth.

Then I had to decide if I needed to wear shoes that kicked ass or were good for ass kicking, on account of there's a difference you know. ~ Finger Lickin' Fifteen

Riley reminded herself that she was a professional, and stabbing Emerson with her nail file wouldn't be appropriate.

I always know it's Sunday because I wake up feeling apologetic. That's one of the cool things about being a Catholic ... it's a multifaceted experience. If you lose the faith, chances are you'll keep the guilt, so it isn't as if you've been skunked altogether.

He looked just like himself. Didn't look like he was living in dark alleys. He was clean, fresh shaven. Didn't look hungry. Had on clean clothes. Seemed to be alone. Was a little, um, upset. Said I was a pain in the ass."
"No! You? A pain in the ass? I can't imagine why anyone would think that.

I wanted to tell you I ... uh, like you." Shit. I chickened out! What was it with me that I couldn't say the big L word? I am such a dope.
Morelli sighed into the phone. "You are such a dope.

Do you see that man in the black Porsche?" I asked the women.
They squinted out at Ranger. "Yes," they said."Your partner."
"He's homeless. He's looking for a place to stay and he might be interested in renting Singh's room."
Mrs.Apusenja's eyes widened. "We could use the income."She looked at Nonnie and then back at Ranger. "Is he married?"
"Nope. He's single. He's a real catch."
Connie did something between a gasp and a snort and buried her head back behind the computer. "Thank you for everything." Mrs.Apusenja said. "I suppose you are not such a bad slut. I will go talk to your partner.:
"Omigod," Connie said, when the door closed behind the Apusenja's. "Ranger's going to kill you." The Apusenjas stood beside the Porsche, talkig to Ranger for a few long minutes, giving him the big sales pitch. The pitch wound down, Ranger responded, and Mrs. Apusenja looked disappointed. The two women crossed the road and got into the burgundy Escort and quickly drove away. Ranger turned his head in my direction and our eyes met. His expression was still bemused, but this time it was the sort of bemused expression a kid has when he's pulling the wings off a fly.
"Uh-Oh,"Connie said. I whipped around and faced Connie. "Quick, give me an FTA. You're backed up, right? For God's sake, give me something fast. I need a reason to stand here until he calms down!" Connie shoved a pile of folders at me. "Pick one. Any one! Oh shit, he's getting out of his car."....

Omigod,' I said on a sudden flash of sleep-deprived insight. 'You're the big bad wolf.'
There are some similarities.

Ranger Smiled. 'You want me to be Superman? Spend the night with me.

This isn't just a job. This is a service profession. We uphold the law, babe.
Ranger

Amen" Lula said and she made the sign of the cross.
"I thought you were Baptist."
"Yeah, but we don't got any hand signals for an occasion like this.

No Ranger in sight. That's because he's in the wind. You can't see the wind. Or maybe the wind went home to watch Tuesday night fights.

Honey, a man can't keep his gun in a cookie jar. It just isn't done.

Yeah. Almost as surprising as when you nailed me with your father's car."
In the interest of avoiding confrontation, I felt compelled to explain. I didn't feel obliged to do it convincingly. "It was an accident. My foot slipped."
"That was no accident. You jumped the goddamn curb and followed me down the sidewalk.

Do you believe in God?" I asked Lula. "Fuckin' A I believe in God. Don't you believe in God?" "I believe in something. It's vague.

Some people learn from books, some listen to the advice of others, some learn from mistakes.

They were actually sitting at a table, like two old friends, not like the hunter
and the hunted. And it wasn't especially awkward. They were comfortable together,
despite the fact that she'd hit him with a bus. Maybe his scheme would work.

He smiled when he saw me ... and it was the nice smile that included his eyes.

He grabbed me by my jacket lapels, pulled me to him, and kissed me. His tongue touched mine and I got a rush that was just a millimeter below climax. His hands slid inside my jacket and circled my waist. He was hard against me. And suddenly nothing mattered but a Ranger-induced orgasm. I wanted one. Now. The hell with Eddie DeChooch. One of these days he'd drive himself into a bridge abutment and that'd be the end of that.

I go to bars and restaurants, and I sit and I eavesdrop on people and I watch people in shopping centers and, you know, I read the newspapers and I talk to the Trenton cops, and I just get a lot of information that comes in that somehow turns into a book.

Um, Emerson?" she said. "I've reached the end of my rope.

Mrs. Zuppa was coming in from bingo just as I was leaving the building.
"Looks like you're going to work," she said, leaning heavily on her cane. "What are you packin'?"
"A thirty-eight."
"I like a nine-millimeter myself."
"A nine's good."
"Easier to use a semiautomatic after you've had hip replacement and you walk with a cane," she said.
One of those useful pieces of information to file away and resurrect when I turn eighty-three.

Fuck, Ranger said.
Ranger didn't often curse and he rarely raised his voice. The fuck has been entirely conversational. Like he was now midly inconvenienced. He put his Bates boot to the door and the door popped open..

Whoever thought a naked beach was a good idea never sat in one.

The golden years are for pussies. We went straight to brass.

My feeling on rain is that it should only occur at night when people are sleeping. At night, rain is cozy. During the day, rain is a pain in the gumpy.

[Stephanie] 'You see, Mrs. Mayer was going on about George's lodge, and how he wanted to be buried with his ring, and so Grandma had to check the ring out, and in the process broke off one of George's fingers. Turns out the finger was wax. Somehow Kenny got into the mortuary this morning, left Spiro a note, and chopped off George's finger. And then while I was at the mall tonight with Mary Lou, Kenny threatened me in the shoe department. That must have been when he put the finger in my pocket.' [Morelli] 'Have you been drinking?

RANGER HAD BEEN Special Forces, and he still had the build and the carriage. He was standing close, forcing me to tip my head back ever so slightly to look into his eyes.

I heard about them Rangers on TV," Grandma said. "I heard they get dogs pregnant." -Grandma Mazur

That's why I'm not on social media. People are way too open about their private lives. I don't need to see pictures of what somebody had for lunch or hear about how difficult their last bowel movement was or see on a map where they were when either one happened.

These are desparate times." - Stephanie Plum

Buffet." "Do you know what casino she

My mother slapped her forehead and rolled her eyes. Stephanie, Stephanie, Stephanie, what are you thinking of? This is no kind of work for a nice young lady.

If you buy chocolate with loose change the calories don't count.

Here's the thing," Riley said. "I'm not really into diabolical possibilities. I'm more into logical explanations.

You see what I'm saying?" Mooner said. "Something else always comes along. You go to jail, you don't have to worry about anything. No rent to pay. No food bill to sweat. Free dental plan. And that's worth something, dude.You don't wnat to stick your nose up at free dental.

Next time I fall in love it's going to be with someone who isn't an expert in fibbing."
"You're in love with me?"
"You didn't know that?"
"I did, but it's nice to hear."
"Scares the hell out of me.

He reached out, opened the glove compartment, and took out a gun. It was a Smith & Wesson .38 five-shot special. It looked a lot like my gun.
"I stopped by your apartment this morning and picked this up for you," Ranger said. "I found it in the cookie jar."
"Tough guys always keep their gun in the cookie jar."
"Name one."
"Rockford."
Ranger grinned. "I stand corrected.

From the look on your face, I'd say you know him."
I nodded. "Sold him a cannoli when I was in high school."
Connie grunted. "Honey, half of all the women in New Jersey have sold him their cannoli

I liked you better when you had vordo." "You're not suggesting we do it in this tiny closet with two men watching television in the next room, are you?" "It'd be limiting," Ranger said, "but at least you wouldn't have your ass on the horn.

He pulled me toward him, lowered his mouth to mine, and kissed me. The kiss was slow and deep. His hands were firm on my back. I grasped his shirt and leaned into him. And I felt his body respond.

I've been under a lot of stress lately." "You know what I do when I got stress?" Lula said. "I go shoe shopping." "I knit," Connie said. "Get out!" Lula said. "I never knew you knit stuff." "I don't knit stuff," Connie said. "I just knit.

And the closest I've come to an out-of-body experience was when Joe Morelli took his mouth to me fourteen years ago, behind the eclair case.

Okay so I fibbed a little about the kids. I didn't want her to feel bad. I mean we can't all be lucky enough to have a hamster.

Fine. Let Ranger get someone else. Trust me, you don't want to be out looking for a parking place on Sloane in the middle of the night."
"I won't have to look for a parking place. Tank's picking me up."
"Your working with a guy name Tank?"
"He's big."
"Jesus", Morelli said. "I had to fall in love with a woman who works with a guy named Tank."
"You love me?"
"Of course I love you. I just don't want to marry you.

You were worried about me?" "No," Hal said. "I was worried Ranger would kill me if I lost you.

Look at that skirt," my mother said when she opened the door to me. "It's no wonder we have so much crime today what with these short skirts. How can you sit in a skirt like that? Everyone can see everything."
"It's two inches above my knee. It's not that short.

Stephanie Plum, psycho bait.

And something chocolate, of course. A meal was not a meal without some sort of chocolate for desert.

It wouldn't kill you to flirt a little, so I don't remember this assignment as totally sucking. I'm babysitting a guy who thinks he's a leprechaun, and I'm rescuing a has-been horse. The least you could do I grab my ass once in a while.

This thing's giving me an eye twitch," Ranger said. "Can you get the sound off?" I started pressing buttons and the screen went blank. "How's that?" I asked. "Babe, you shut the system down." "Yes, but the sound is off." "Reprogram it." "No need to get testy," I told him. "I don't know where I'm going." "I have a map. You just get on I-95 south and take the Springfield exit." "And then what?" "Then you'll have to pull over and reprogram the GPS." Ranger cut his eyes to me and there was the tiniest of smiles on his mouth.

Morelli looked dazed. "What good is a gun without bullets?" "It's good for scaring people. Or you can hit people with it. Or you can use it to break windows ... or crack walnuts.

Nice dress you're almost wearing. You ever think about changing professions?
-Ranger

Lately, I've been spending a lot of time rolling on the ground with men who think a stiffy represents personal growth.

Princeton isn't actually part of New Jersey. It's a small island of wealth and intellectual eccentricity floating in the Sea of Central Megalopolis. It's an honest-to-god town awash in the land of the strip mall. Hair is smaller, heels are shorter, asses are tighter in Princeton.

Here's something else to worry about," he said. And he kissed me - his hand at the nape of my neck and his mouth on mine, soft at first, then serious and demanding. He drew me closer and kissed me again and desire washed over me, hot and liquid and scary.
"Oh boy," I whispered.
"Yeah," he said. "Think about it."
"What I think ... is that it's a bad idea."
"Of course it's a bad idea," Ranger said. "If it was a good idea I'd have been in your bed a long time ago.

He could freeze his stupid dick off for all I cared.

I'd hate to list our specialties. Wreck cars, eat doughnuts, create mayhem.

Suppose I was able to get to court, and the zombies followed me there, and they ate all the people's brains who were in the court?'
'This is Trenton,' Lula said. 'You might not notice.

He wrapped his hand around my wrist, pulled me to him, and kissed me. The kiss was warm and short.

He wears jeans, untucked shirts, and a Glock 19, and he has a big shaggy dog named Bob.

Most fathers don't show up with hand grenades and bowie knives."
"They should be ashamed of themselves," Jake said.

bottles of water on it to keep

I'm not driving you anymore," Lula said to me. "Every time I take you somewhere, people shoot at us." "Not every time.

The ballroom was empty of people but filled with round tables and chairs. It was set for a wedding party. White tablecloths with huge pink bows and pink and white artificial flower centerpieces, a two-foot riser with a long decorated table for the bridal party, a smaller round table next to the riser. The smaller table supported a massive wedding cake that was being cooled by a standing fan. "This is so romantic," I said to Ranger. "Does it give you ideas?" He wrapped an arm around me, dragged me close against him, and kissed me on the forehead. "Yes, it gives me ideas, but not about marriage. Mostly about setting fire to this atrocity.

Count me in." Jake put his things back in the rucksack, slung it over his shoulder, and stood up. "The kids can finish up this project." "You've taught them how to make land mines?" "I wouldn't be much of a grandfather if I didn't.

Riley stared at the vest and polo shirt. "Is this necessary?" "Protocol," Wesley said. Riley tugged the shirt over her head and shoved her arms into the vest. "This isn't going to be dangerous, is it? The vest is just a formality, right?" "Right," Emerson said. "There's nothing to worry about." One of the men handed Riley an AR-15 assault rifle. "Just in case," he said.

You come from a long line of scary women Ranger finally said.

There's a trade show going on this week for Russian vodka," Ranger said. "This consulate will be hosting a meet-and-greet party at five o'clock. That would be a good time for us to slip in.

And said she was having meatballs and wedding cake for dinner.

I'm done with men. I have a hamster. That's all I need.

Do you have someone watching her house?" (Stephanie)
"That kind of surveillance only happens in the movies. We're so underbudgeted we're one step away from
holding bake sales to pay for toilet paper. (Morelli)

Babe."

Ranger

There's a small possibility that I might be a murder suspect
Stephanie

Ranger declined the butterscotch pudding, not wanting to disrupt the consistency of his blood sugar level. I had two puddings and coffee, choosing to keep my pancreas at peak performance. Use it or lose it is my philosophy.

Looked around for Grandma, spotting her and Dougie hiding behind a car on the opposite side of the street. They were wearing Super Suits and they had bath towels pinned around their necks like capes.

I swear, you're a crazy person. You go around up to your eyeballs in snakes and dead people and exploding beavers. It's just not normal. Even when I was a 'ho, my life wasn't that freaky.

Holy Crap,' Carolli said. 'You shot Jesus. That's gonna take a lot of Hail Marys.

You have no spirit of culinary adventure. You need to be more like that snarky guy on the Travel Channel. He goes all over the world eating kangaroo a**holes and snail throw-up. He'd eat anything. He don't care how sick he gets. He's another one of my role models, except he needs ironing.

Has it ever occurred to you that you might be delusional?'
That's what the psychiatrist said, but I think he's wrong. There's an evil flying pizza out there, and it's got Brenda's name on it.