Cynical Humor Quotes

I do not want to sound cynical or condescending, but your lips are moving, your mind unbending. ~ Fakeer Ishavardas

Ninety percent of the people are not happy with their jobs. The remaining ten percent don't deserve their jobs in the first place. ~ Abhaidev

My condolences, you're still alive. ~ Fakeer Ishavardas

Do you know what happens when you play a country song backwards? You get your wife back, your dog back and your job back. ~ Richard Belzer

alcohol played the midwife ~ James Branch Cabell

It's war, you jackasses," Keyes snapped. "I'm sorry it's not terribly convenient or comfortable for you. ~ John Scalzi

Most people are but a fake-art, and as real as a concealed fart. ~ Fakeer Ishavardas

The law enforcement in this town is terrific. All through prohibition Eddie Mars' place was a night club and they had two uniformed men in the lobby every night-to see that the guests didn't bring their own liquor instead of buying it from the house. ~ Raymond Chandler

This is some sort of joke, isn't it?" asks Hunt, staring at the flawless blue sky and distant fields.
I cough as lightly and briefly as possible into a handkerchief I have made from a towel borrowed from the inn. "Probably," I say. "But then, what isn't? ~ Dan Simmons

I've been waiting my whole life to fuck up like this. ~ Robert Stone

Believe you me, I am all for you; and wish you well - for you to go to hell. ~ Fakeer Ishavardas

Our town was known for two things--no, three: salted fish, expertly dyed fabrics, and corruption. ~ Angela Elwell Hunt

It's nice to be able to do things for other people, isn't it?

That's why it's fun to talk in the third person sometimes. ~ Patrick Bryant

Breslin gives me his wise-teacher smile, which is kind and crinkly and would make me feel warm all over if I was dumber than a bag of hair. ~ Tana French

If by 'foe' you mean a brutal killer, then I suppose I'd fall into the 'friend' category," I replied cynically. "Although in your case, we may have to find a secret option number three. ~ M.A. George

The Sublime. The almost tangible, entirely believable, mathematically verifiable nirvana just a few right-angle turns away from dear boring old reality: a vast, infinite, better-than-virtual ultra-existence with no Off switch, to which species and civilizations had been hauling their sorry tired-with-it-all behinds off to since - the story went - the galaxy had still been in metaphorical knee socks. ~ Iain M. Banks

It's weird, marriage. It's like this license that gives a person the legal right to control their spouse / their 'other half. ~ Jess C. Scott

Everyone is awful in their own special way. ~ W.H. Mitchell

Anyway, that's what life is, just one learning experience after another, and when you're through with all the learning experiences you graduate and what you get for a diploma is, you die. ~ Frederik Pohl

Life's a jumble of farce and melodrama, the chaotic scribbling of a third-rate penny-a-liner. We mock it to keep from going mad--or at least to display our good taste. ~ Gary Inbinder

I want to attend a Pampered Chef party about as much as I want to go to a used auto parts party where you can win a baby monkey as a door prize. ~ Carol Maloney Scott

As she chattered and laughed and cast quick glances into the house and the yard, her eyes fell on a stranger, standing alone in the hall, staring at her in a cool impertinent way that brought her up sharply with a mingled feeling of feminine pleasure that she had attracted a man and an embarrassed sensation that her dress was too low in the bosom. He looked quite old, at least thirty-five. He was a tall man and powerfully built. Scarlett thought she had never seen such a man with such wide shoulders, so heavy with muscles, almost too heavy for gentility. When her eye caught his, he smiled, showing animal-white teeth below a close-clipped black mustache. He was dark of face, swarthy as a pirate, and his eyes were as bold and black as any pirate's appraising a galleon to be scuttled or a maiden to be ravished. There was a cool recklessness in his face and a cynical humor in his mouth as he smiled at her, and Scarlett caught her breath. She felt that she should be insulted by such a look as was annoyed with herself because she did not feel insulted. She did not know who he could be, but there was undeniably a look of good blood in his dark face. It showed in the thin hawk nose over the full red lips, and high forehead and the wide-set eyes. ~ Margaret Mitchell

They tugged plans and ambitions out their asses and held tight to the first that didn't smell so strongly of shit. ~ Patrick Bryant

I would like at this moment to announce that I will be retiring from this program in two weeks' time because of poor ratings. Since this show is the only thing I had going for me in my life, I've decided to kill myself. I'm going to blow my brains out right on this program a week from today. So tune in next Tuesday. That should give the public relations people a week to promote the show. You ought to get a hell of a rating out of that. 50 share, easy. ~ Paddy Chayefsky

What the hell happened to you arm?'
He looked perplexed and followed my eyes to his arm to see the large bruise peeking out from his shirt.He grabbed the hem and yanked it down to hide the purple mark.
'Trust me.'He grunted and looked into my eyes with a cynical humor that I had never seen before.'It's nothing compared to what the other guy got. ~ Tahlie Purvis

In modern medicine, we have a name for nearly everything, but a cure for almost nothing. ~ Charles F. Glassman

Yes, world.
Truly.
You disgust me.
Please continue. ~ Eric Jarosinski

Billions of years before twelve step groups, God committed shotgun suicide. Today wall scrapings share His gratitude stories. ~ Brian Spellman

I don't have to tell you things are bad. Everybody knows things are bad. It's a depression. Everybody's out of work or scared of losing their job. The dollar buys a nickel's worth, banks are going bust, shopkeepers keep a gun under the counter. Punks are running wild in the street and there's nobody anywhere who seems to know what to do, and there's no end to it. We know the air is unfit to breathe and our food is unfit to eat, and we sit watching our TV's while some local newscaster tells us that today we had fifteen homicides and sixty-three violent crimes, as if that's the way it's supposed to be. We know things are bad - worse than bad. They're crazy. It's like everything everywhere is going crazy, so we don't go out anymore. We sit in the house, and slowly the world we are living in is getting smaller, and all we say is, 'Please, at least leave us alone in our living rooms. Let me have my toaster and my TV and my steel-belted radials and I won't say anything. Just leave us alone.' Well, I'm not gonna leave you alone. I want you to get mad! I don't want you to protest. I don't want you to riot - I don't want you to write to your congressman because I wouldn't know what to tell you to write. I don't know what to do about the depression and the inflation and the Russians and the crime in the street. All I know is that first you've got to get mad. You've got to say, 'I'm a HUMAN BEING, God damn it! My life has VALUE!' So I want you to get up now. I want all of you to get up ~ Paddy Chayefsky

-Would you wish us to invest it for you?
-No, I would like you to set up a trust for dumb animals.
-What kind of dumb animals do you have in mind, Miss Donahue?
-Oh, stray dogs. Rats. Birds.
-We could still invest it for you. Then the animals would get the income without touching the capital.
-No, I don't wish to invest it. I don't want them to get rich. They might become human. ~ Romain Gary

Didn't Chains tell you about the Golden Theological Principle?"
"The what?"
"The single congruent aspect of every known religion. The one shared, universal assumption about the human condition."
"What is it?"
"He said that life boils down to standing in line to get shit dropped on your head. Everyone's got a place in the queue, you can't get out of it, and just when you start to congratulate yourself on surviving your dose of shit, you discover that line is actually circular. ~ Scott Lynch

Are you always so cynical?' said Angelica.
'No,' said Katherine. 'Sometimes I'm asleep. ~ Sam Byers

Has anybody ever told you you're a remarkably cynical person?"
"I like to think of it as learning from experience. ~ Benedict Jacka

Hey, Captain Neckbeard! Less talky-talky, more worky-worky! Wednesday shouted rudely down at the man who had been changing the tire. She wasn't planning on taking shit from a tow truck driving hick today or any other day. ~ Dennis Sharpe

On Wall Street, the lawyers play the same role as medics in war: They come in after the shooting is over to clean up the mess. ~ Michael Lewis

Comedy Born :) When Tragedy Happens :( ~ Navin M. Karmarkar

Normally I miss deadlines like a storm trooper misses Jedi. ~ Patrick Rothfuss

I'm not an expert on the Malaysian sense of humor. ~ Ben Stiller

Sorry, Roy, I just don't trust you enough to believe that you lied. ~ Rich Burlew

Humor is an excellent method of keeping a tight rein on unproductive displays of emotion. ~ Elizabeth Peters

Read for yourselves, read for the sake of your inspiration, for the sweet turmoil in your lovely head. But also read against yourselves, read for questioning and impotence, for despair and erudition, read the dry sardonic remarks of cynical philosophers like Cioran or even Carl Schmitt, read newspapers, read those who despise, dismiss or simply ignore poetry and try to understand why they do it. Read your enemies, read those who reinforce your sense of what's evolving in poetry, and also read those whose darkness or malice or madness or greatness you can't understand because only in this way will you grow, outlive yourself, and become what you are. ~ Adam Zagajewski

Kenneth was a sitting duck. In fewer than three years he would kneel alone in this very room, on the exact spot where he now stood, emptying the contents of his desk into cardboard boxes from the liquor store while his gaunt bitter wife reviled him in the Goldbergs' living room and choked the Goldbergs' big brass ashtray with with unfiltered cigarette butts, and if anyone were then to ask him for the secret of a happy life, he would answer: Stasis. ~ Jincy Willett

It is time to provide a smashing answer for those cynical men who say that a democracy cannot be honest, cannot be efficient ... We have in the darkest moments of our national trials retained our faith in our own ability to master our own destiny. ~ Franklin D. Roosevelt

Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun. ~ Groucho Marx

Perhaps Welsh fairies stole children and confiscated their vowels. ~ T. Kingfisher

I don't want to dig him or his sexy self. But I keep losing my clothes when I'm with him. ~ Jill Shalvis

It was known that they were a little acquainted, but not a syllable of real information could Emma procure as to what he truly was. "Was he handsome?" "She believed he was reckoned a very fine young man." "Was he agreeable?" "He was generally thought so." "Did he appear a sensible young man; a young man of information?" "At a watering-place or in a common London acquaintance it was difficult to decide on such points. Manners were all that could be safely judged of under a much longer knowledge than they had yet of Mr. Churchill. She believed everybody found his manners pleasing." Emma could not forgive her. ~ Jane Austen

I'm sure that being sober all these years accounts for my ill humor. ~ Fran Lebowitz

If we wear our nursing covers backwards like capes, then everyone can see we're breastfeeding superheroes. ~ Cassi Clark

I thought about writing the character as male, but then I would be forced to portray him as a woman in a man's body. ~ Christopher Stocking

If we are saved by grace alone, this salvation is a constant source of amazed delight. Nothing is mundane or matter-of-fact about our lives. It is a miracle we are Christians, and the gospel, which creates bold humility, should give us a far deeper sense of humour and joy. We don't take ourselves seriously, and we are full of hope for the world. ~ Timothy Keller

Keep a sense of humor, that keeps you balanced, and you'll do quite well with it all, I'm sure. ~ Frederick Lenz

Let me understand,' Omar said, his brow furrowed in concentration. 'When played with cars, people could get killed. But when played with kissing, people could get...kissed.' He mused on this for a second. 'It seems like the better option.'

'You'd think,' replied Kaitlyn. 'But if you were to survey one hundred high school boys, ninety-eight of them would tell you they'd rather die in a fiery crash than be caught kissing another guy.'

'What about the other two?'

'Statistically, they're already kissing each other ~ Xavier Mayne

Who`s there?" replied Alaska.
"Who."
"Who Who?"
"What are you, an owl?" I finished. Lame. ~ John Green

There is no need to search; achievement leads to nowhere. It makes no difference at all, so just be happy now! Love is the only reality of the world, because it is all One, you see. And the only laws are paradox, humor and change. There is no problem, never was, and never will be. Release your struggle, let go of your mind, throw away your concerns, and relax into the world. No need to resist life, just do your best. Open your eyes and see that you are far more than you imagine. You are the world, you are the universe; you are yourself and everyone else, too! It's all the marvelous Play of God. Wake up, regain your humor. Don't worry, just be happy. You are already free! ~ Dan Millman

Music and comedy are so linked. The rhythm of comedy is con­nected to the rhythm of music. They're both about creating tension and knowing when to let it go. I'm always surprised when somebody funny is not musical. ~ Conan O'Brien

Never dance according to the tune of music played by your oppressors.
Pray to have enough courage, grace to be tolerant and compassionate. ~ Lailah Gifty Akita

Hit ain't sacrilege. Miss Effie Belle says when she cain't think what to have for dinner, she asts God and right off He gives her an idea. To my thinkin', thet's sacrilege."
Miss Love really laughed. "There's not a woman in the world who hasn't prayed what to cook for dinner, Rucker! ~ Olive Ann Burns

I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same. ~ Mitch Hedberg

I've had a really weird day, some joker threw bamboo in the penguin enclosure. They all vaulted out. It was a nightmare, it took me all morning to get them back in. ~ Noel Fielding

Along with Coach Edge, who was still so charged with adrenaline that every time the ship hit turbulence, he swung his bat and yelled, Die! ~ Rick Riordan

Poetic license is not a license to scribe recklessly. ~ C. Kennedy

I think you should, yeah. You should wash your beard, then shave it off, nail it to a Frisbee and fling it over a rainbow. ~ Dylan Moran

That's what got her, of course. That everyone thought it so unbelievable that she could possibly attract a man like him. It shouldn't upset her because it was true. She couldn't. Not in this world, in this lifetime. Yet she didn't appreciated everyone else acting as if they were the most improbable twosome since Quasimodo hit on Esmeralda. ~ Jo Leigh

It was a constant source of amazement to Alexia that the only thing she had ever done in her entire life that pleased her mama was marry a werewolf. ~ Gail Carriger

Have you tried talking to her?"
"No. We've been punching her in the face repeatedly. What? You don't think that will work? ~ Cassandra Clare

My person says I don't understand cause and effect. That's not true, I get it: roll in the mud, you get the bath. But what she
doesn't understand is, sometimes it's just plain worth it. - Belle, Dog Only Knows ~ Terry Kaye

Now, what happened to you two?" he points at me then at Luke.
"Nothing." I say to Will.
"Luke is smitten after he got back with you." he whispers. "That's horrifying in so many level. ~ Rea Lidde

Brian's face broke out in a wide grin as he slapped Roarke on the back. "That's a woman, isn't it?"
"Delicate as a rose, my Eve. Fragile and quiet natured." He grinned himself when he heard her curse, loud and vicious. "A voice like a flute."
"And you're sloppy in love with her."
"Pitifully. ~ J.D. Robb

That weekend my people brought home
a big eared gray scrawny kit.
He was so loud and annoying
that I did not like him one bit. ~ Melinda K. Trotter

What is your collective GPA for this year?"
"Not as high as I'd like it to be."
Freud steepled his fingers in front of his mouth. "What about your parents?"
"I don't know. They haven't been in school for a while. ~ Nenia Campbell

I leveled the gun and fired until it was empty. ~ Rachel Brady

You're more romantic than a Taylor Swift song ~ Flynn Meaney

The human brain is like a freight car, guaranteed to carry a certain capacity but often running empty. ~ Lorraine Gokul

Just give me a second to get my wind back. Who the hell put that pole there? ~ Aisha Tyler

My best training came from my father. ~ Woodrow Wilson

Ocean, n. A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man - who has no gills. ~ Ambrose Bierce

I find intelligence sexy. I find a sense of humor sexy. I find sensitivity sexy. ~ Nicole Appleton

Samantha sometimes found Miles absurd and, increasingly, dull. Every now and then, though, she enjoyed his pomposity in precisely the same spirit as she liked, on formal occasions, to wear a hat. ~ J.K. Rowling

Well, you finally got me, Helen had whispered to him, tearfully, but Garp had sprawled there, on his back on the wrestling mat, wondering who had gotten whom. ~ John Irving

It's my letter," she began. "I cannot make it right."
"Come in, come in," the Prince said gently. "Maybe we can help you." She sat down in the same chair as before. "All right, I'll close my eyes and listen; read to me."
" 'Westley, my passion, my sweet, my only, my own. Come back, come back. I shall kill myself otherwise. Yours in torment, Buttercup.' " She looked at Humperdinck. "Well? Do you think I'm throwing myself at him?"
"It does seem a bit forward," the Prince admitted. "It doesn't leave him a great deal of room to maneuver. ~ William Goldman