Funny Halloween Quotes

Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand. ~ Kurt Vonnegut

I love the spirit of Halloween and the energy that comes with it. ~ Katharine McPhee

What's a Dullahan?'
'He's a headless horseman, in the service of the banshee.'
'Headless?'
'Yes.'
'Seriously?'
'Yes.'
'So he has no head?'
'That's usually what headless means.'
'No head at all?'
'You're really getting hung up on this headless thing, aren't you?'
'It's just kind of silly, even for us.'
'Yet you spend your days with a living skeleton.'
'But at least he has a head.'
'True.'
'He even has a spare. ~ Derek Landy

We in the light sometimes fear what is no more to be feared than the things children in the dark hold in terror and imagine will come true. ~ Lucretius

Fingernails are for opening things and toenails are for storing precious minerals off the ground. ~ Kristen Schaal

He fits me without a flaw. At the beginning, I was apprehensive that he might swallow me whole and I'd disappear for having him. After the time spent together, I'm certain that Colton is the day to my night. And we both have the same value, power, control, individuality and independency. No one disappears. We are like an equinox. Just like the day moves into the night and then night into day, we both complete each other and build a partnership. We are two different entities co-existing superbly, letting each other be but never leaving each other's side. ~ Kristina Steiner

When I turn back to Jase, he's again beaming at me. "You're nice." He sounds pleased, as if he hadn't expected this aspect of my personality. ~ Huntley Fitzpatrick

It's a great day in America when white people, black people and Latinos can all come together and pick on another minority. ~ George Lopez

I don't blame individuals, Elton, I blame myself ~ Joe Royle

An understanding washed over Darren. You plan on me running."
"For many, many years." The crooked smile on Trent's mouth sent a shiver throughout my body. He was utterly dangerous when he wanted to be. ~ Elizabeth J. Kolodziej

America is a country where the Olympics and the divorce lawyers both have the same slogan - Go for the Gold. ~ Bob Hope

Music and silence combine strongly because music is done with silence, and silence is full of music. ~ Marcel Marceau

I have not had so good of a week. Well, monday was a pretty good day, if you don't count Hamburger Surprise at lunch and Margaret's mother coming to get her. Or the stuff that happened in the principal's office when I got sent there to explain that Margaret's hair was not my fault and besides she looks okay without it, but I couldn't because Principal Rice was gone, trying to calm down Margaret's mother. Someone should tell you not to answer the phone in the principal's office, if that's a rule. Okay, fine, Monday was not so good of a day. ~ Sara Pennypacker

Revenge of the Giant Grill Man. ~ Joan Bauer

For those of you haven't read the book, it's being published tomorrow ~ David Frost

I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years. ~ Sam Kinison

I went to a heavy metal concert. The singer yelled out, "How many of you people feel like human beings tonight?" And then he said, "How many of you feel like animals?" The thing is, everyone cheered after the animals part, but I cheered after the human beings part because I did not know there was a second part to the question. ~ Mitch Hedberg

I drove myself to the Emergency Room. That's a nice relaxing drive. "Noooo, after you. Merge-everybody merge." ~ Brian Regan

People keep asking "Jacob or Edward?" when the really important question is "Diamond Dave or Sammy? ~ Ysabeau S. Wilce

I lacked the knowledge of linear perspective needed to get into the art school, so now I whitewash walls and imagine I'm heaven's landscape painter. ~ Bauvard

There's pretty much no way for me to answer that without sounding like an asshole, so maybe you could do me a solid and not make me. ~ Alex Potvin

I'm afraid I always find Shakespeare terribly dreary. All those long scenes where everybody is drunk and it's supposed to be funny. ~ Agatha Christie

Once there was a girl who ate an apple not meant for her...Up until the apples, she had been living in a wonderful house in the wilderness, happy in her fate and her ways. She had seven aunts and seven uncles and a postdoctorate in anthropology. ~ Catherynne M. Valente

Halloween - the day when we could pretend to be whatever we wanted - seemed to be letting everyone be who they really were. ~ Laurie Halse Anderson

I don't know. We have everything we need to be happy, but we're not happy. Something's missing. I looked around. The only thing I positively knew was gone was the books I'd burned in ten or twelve years. So I thought books might help."
"You're a hopeless romantic," said Faber. "It would be funny if it were not serious. It's not books you need, it's some of the things that once were in books. The same things could be in the "parlour families" today. The same infinite detail and awareness could be projected through the radios and televisors, but are not. No, no, it's not books at all you're looking for! Take it where you can find it, in old phonograph records, old motion pictures, and in old friends; look for it in nature and look for it in yourself. Books were only one type of receptacle where we stored a lot of things we were afraid we might forget. ~ Ray Bradbury

I'm trying to die correctly, but it's very difficult, you know. ~ Lawrence Durrell

When you're small, you either are funny, or you get beat up a lot. ~ Tim Conway

This isn't the first time I've used this, and the test subject showed no signs of impaired cognitive ability."
"Who was the test subject?" asked Aurora.
"I test everything out on myself before taking it into the field."
She stared at him. "You zapped your own brain?"
"And it didn't do me any harm apart from the dizziness and the vomiting spells and the weirdly persistent ringing in my ears. Also the blackouts and the mood swings and the creeping paranoia. Apart from that, zero side effects, if you don't count the numb fingertips. Which I don't. ~ Derek Landy

It's almost funny if it didn't piss me off so much. ~ Vincent Hobbes

I overheard Nona talking about my little buds and how she remembered back when she was developing into a woman, and that was enough for me. ~ Holly Hood

You're far too prickly tempered to be a mistress. You're far better suited as a wife. ~ Lisa Kleypas

The times I've tried not to be funny, it's never worked, and the times I'm trying not to be dark and just be funny, that never works, either. As varied as my subject matter is, I think the worldview is pretty consistent: seeing darkness and seeing humor. ~ Rebecca Makkai

I'm going to make a prediction - it could go either way. ~ Ron Atkinson

I've always tried to come up with funny dancing since I was young, to attract girls' attention for one thing. It's got to be funny. I can't pull it off with serious dances. That's not me. ~ Psy

Trump is a 12-year-old little asshole stuck in the body of a 70-year-old dumbfuck. ~ Oliver Markus Malloy

You swing your best when you have the fewest things to think about. ~ Bobby Jones

The amount of educational programming on television today is simply desensitizing. The only reason left to go to school is to see gun violence. ~ Bauvard

Funny how the illusion of safety can make us careless. ~ Christopher Moore

While I'm fixing up this idiot. I want you to get some sleep ... and tell Amano that if he bothers you, I'll break his other leg. ~ Julie Kagawa

Young Frank Pastore may have pitched the biggest victory of 1979. Maybe the biggest victory of the year! ~ Jerry Coleman

I really doubt my parents are going to let me stay the night in a remote cabin with a bunch of boys."
"Oh, please, Snow White, Mike's dad'll be there. He's actually kinda funny…you know, in a weird dad kind of way. Don't worry, your purity will remain intact. Scout's honor." She made some sort of gesture with her fingers that Violet assumed was supposed to be an oath, but since Chelsea had never actually been a Girl Scout, it ended up looking more like a peace sign. Or something. Violet maintained her dubious expression.
But Chelsea wasn't about to be discouraged, and she tried to be the voice of reason. "Come on, I think Jay's checking to see if he can get the time off work. The least you can do is ask your parents. If they say no, then no harm, no foul, right? If they say yes, then we'll have a kick-ass time. We'll go hiking in the snow and hang out in front of the fireplace in the evening. We'll sleep in sleeping bags and maybe even roast some marshmallows. It'll be like we're camping." She beamed a superfake smile at Violet and clasped her hands together like she was begging. "Do it for me. Ple-eease."
Jules came back with their milk shake. It was strawberry, and Chelsea flashed Violet an I-told-you-so grin.
Violet finished her tea, mulling over the idea of spending the weekend in a snowy cabin with Jay and Chelsea. Away from town. Away from whoever was leaving her dead animals and creepy notes.
It did sound fun, and Violet did love the snow. And ~ Kimberly Derting

You know, it wasn't even that I'm a funny guy, I just loved stand-up comedy and I wanted to do it. It was one of the few things in my life that I knew I was going to be able to do, and I also felt as though I'd be able to do it the way I wanted to do it. ~ Bill Burr

After 'Crocodile Dundee,' I turned down lots of stuff, most of it where I'd play the girlfriend of some funny man. ~ Linda Kozlowski

The basic Roman ruin design is a pile of rocks with a little plaque saying "Roman Ruins" and a group of tourists frowning at it and wishing they were back at the hotel bar.. ~ Dave Barry

It may not be as dramatic or funny to make a movie about a woman who loves both her job and her family, but that would be a better reflection of reality. We need more portrayals of women as competent professionals and happy mothers - ~ Sheryl Sandberg

There's no time to waste," Kai said. He did a backflip off the tower and ran off.
"What is it with that guy?" Jay asked. "Always in a rush! ~ Greg Farshtey

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

The Americans sowed the seed, and now they have reaped the whirlwind ~ Sebastian Coe