Funny But Sad Quotes

I'll have that someday, thought Peter. Someone who'll kiss me good-bye at the door. Or maybe just someone to put a blindfold over my head before they shoot me. Depending on how things turn out. ~ Orson Scott Card

It's not just love, or desire, but something profoundly less complex, as unadorned and simple as the vehicle code. Officer laughs, cries. Tearful and giddy, she whales on her demonstrator with what she realizes is joy in her heart. ~ Daniel Orozco

Girls are always complaining that they can never meet a nice guy. Nice guys are everywhere. The problem isn't that there aren't any nice guys, the problem is that all of the nice guys are ugly. ~ Carroll Bryant

She's got this dreamy look going - her everything's-right-with-the-world-why-isn't-it-right-with-you-Tally? face. It's such a carryover from high school that I almost laugh. ~ Katherine Owen

I'm falling into disrepair ~ Anne Tyler

I saw my ex-husband in the street. I was sitting on the steps of the new library.
Hello, my life, I said. We had once been married for twenty-seven years, so I felt justified.
He said, What? What life? No life of mine. ~ Grace Paley

I surround myself with all eight throw pillows while hugging two. "What is so bad and uninteresting about me, Alex? Peter was the fifth break up–
"–Sixth–"
"–Sixth break up in the last two years. And I'm always the dumpee. Are my conversations that boring that no man wants to stay?"
"Sandra, with this topic, yes. But usually, no. ~ Ambrosea Brown

Wisdom of the Ages: "Government" Like a mafia protection racket-without the protection. ~ Matthew Heines

There's pretty much no way for me to answer that without sounding like an asshole, so maybe you could do me a solid and not make me. ~ Alex Potvin

Abandoned babies are unfortunate unwanted results of a once urgent desire to have an orgasm ~ David Cross

America is still AmeriKKKa. rather we like it or not ~ Fee Scott

When you are 15, everything is such high stakes, even tiny things. I think because of that, it is funny but sad at the same time. ~ Sophie Wu

Sometimes I hate the girl I was back then. It's like how, when you see a horror movie, you can't help but feel contempt for the virgin who goes for a walk in the woods after midnight. How can she be so stupid? Doesn't she know she's about to get gruesomely hacked to death?
She should know. That's why it's so hard to watch. Because you want her to know. You want her to defend herself, and you look down on her for not knowing, even though obviously it's the guy who hacks her up who's at fault. ~ Robin York

Lipstick?" He arched a brow.
"I'm on the hunt for my perfect shade," I respond, deadpan.
"Ditch the magenta. Your olive skin screams for rose." His deadpan is better than mine. ~ Gena Showalter

I do keep getting these bad girl roles. The funny thing is that, honestly, I don't think I'm believable as these aristocratic mean girls. But I do love playing them. ~ Katie McGrath

I know that you're sad right now. Grieve, but don't hold onto it. Grief smothers out life. Let it go. Remember me and be happy. You have an incredible life ahead of you. Make the most of every minute. Starting right now. ~ Kim Holden

I think people just think I am crazy because they see me doing stand-up, but I am generally not. I am very sad. I'm one of those guys that lights candles and listens to Rachmaninoff. ~ Bobby Lee

I'm often asked where I get my ideas. For this story, the hero and the heroine have a rather unconventional start - they meet when she falls on him through a hole in the ceiling while he's standing before the toilet. Funny, but not very romantic. Not too long ago, I was at a writers' meeting. In the bathroom, far above me, there was a hole. It flapped open, revealing a dark, yawning space. As I sat there contemplating this hole, I wondered what would happen if a really, really gorgeous man fell through it. One didn't, darn it, but a story was born. ~ Jill Shalvis

Nobody fights with Jerry because you know the price would be too high. You might come out the winner, at his age, you might even lick him, but you'd lose an eye, an arm, your testicles in the process, everything would be gone. ~ Frank Layden

A new building built on old foundation can't last. Maybe for a while; but when the earthquakes come and the floods flow in, it will wash out. A new building built on a new foundation, though, will be able to endure the ground shaking and the waves that come in. To build a new generation of people, a new foundation needs to be built - the old one destroyed. They once destroyed the foundations of old; but those can be built again. Do you seek comfort? Or do you seek Truth? Your comfort has done nothing for you. Funny how looking into a mirror can cause so much discomfort. I have held many mirrors up for you. ~ C. JoyBell C.

It's not terrible, I guess, but if Ricky Gervais was half as talented as me, maybe the show would actually be funny once in a while. ~ Zach Braff

And what did it say?" I ask, almost expecting to hear him tell me, "Soon."
"Check the bed." His voice cracks saying the words.
"Excuse me?"
"That's what it said."
"And what's it supposed to mean?"
"Call me crazy, but I think it might mean that I should check my bed."
"Not funny."
"Who's laughing? I'm paranoid about going home now. I'm having major flashbacks to summer camp. You know, itching powder in the bedsheets, snakes under the pillow, getting your hand dipped into a bowl full of water while you sleep - ~ Laurie Faria Stolarz

He would've sworn the woman was a reincarnation of Holly Golightly, but this wasn't a Capote novel, no matter her resemblance to Hepburn. ~ Kelly Moran

Dearly weird and motley beings, we're gathered here today for . . . yada, yada, yada. Seth say something profound and sweet to Lydia." Savitar
"My Lydia is like a star rising to guide me through the darkest night." Seth
"Look, kid, I can say the words for you, but I think she'd rather hear them from your lips. Ignore the assholes in the chairs. If one of them laughs, I'll gut him for you." Savitar
Lydia laid her hand against his cheek and kissed his lips. "Hey, hey, hey!" Savitar snapped. "You're jumping ahead, woman. It's your turn to make a vow to him."
"Love is paitent. Love is kind.
It does not envy. It does not boast. It does not proud.
It is not rude. It is not self seeking.
It is not easily angered> It keeps no records of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, it always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." Lydia
"Yeah, okay,beings . . . now you ." Savitar
"Alright then, to the handful here, let me present Mr. and Mrs. Demigod jackal beings." Savitar
"You know this would be much easier if some of us had last names." Savitar to Seth and Lydia
"Would you stop ruining this for them?" Ma'at
"I'm not ruining it, Mennie, I'm making it memorable," Savitar ~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

If you are in the garden, I will dress myself in leaves. If you are in the sea I will slide into that smooth blue nest, I will talk fish, I will adore salt. But if you are sad, I will not dress myself in desolation. I will present myself with all the laughters I can muster. And if you are angry I will come, calm and steady, with some small and easy story. ~ Mary Oliver

I grew tired of religion some time not long after birth. I believe in people, I believe in humans, I believe in a car, but I don't believe something I can't have absolutely no evidence of for millenniums. And it's funny, people think analysis or psychiatry is mad, and they go to church ... ~ John Malkovich

I'm tall and thin but not strong, so you're either an athlete or you're funny. ~ Keegan-Michael Key

For me, the times I always regret are missed opportunities to say farewell to good people, to wish them long life and say to them in all sincerity, "You build and do not destroy; you sow goodwill and reap it; smiles bloom in the wake of your passing, and I will keep your kindness in trust and share it as occasion arises, so that your life will be a quenching draught of calm in a land of drought and stress." Too often I never get to say that when it should be said. Instead, I leave them with the equivalent of a "Later, dude!" only to discover there would be no later for us. ~ Kevin Hearne

He's just ... " I tried, wanting to say "sweet" or "caring" or "funny" - because they're all totally true. But instead, I said, "He's just a normal boy."
"Hmph," Macey scoffed. "I know lots of normal boys."
I looked at her. "I don't. ~ Ally Carter

I hadn't read any of the books before, but I have since we started. It's so funny because I'm reading a book of a person that I'm playing. Then, here's this person that she's in a relationship with and, what we're shooting now, we're not in a relationship. I'm getting a prequel and a history to these people in the book. It's very odd. It's very weird because it's like The Twilight Zone. ~ Angie Harmon

She was supportive, didn't pry or expect anything from me, and sensed when I needed my space. If she were a guy, I'd probably date her. Or, if I were a lesbian. And if she were a lesbian. I guess we'd both have to be lesbians for that to work. Regardless, she made a pretty great friend. ~ Temple West

So you've given away the old good and evil? asked Rose, amazed at all this rare talk from Quick.
No. No. I'll stay a cop. But it's not us and them anymore. It's us and us and us. It's always us. That's what they never tell you. Geez, Rose, I just want to do right. But there's no monsters, only people like us. Funny, but it hurts. ~ Tim Winton

I crouched to look at the almond bark on the bottom shelf in the counter. I wasn't quite bold enough to look at either of them when I admitted, "Well, it was love at first sight."
The girl sighed. "That is just so romantic. Do me a favor, and don't you two ever change. The world needs more love at first sight."
Sam's voice was husky. "Do you want some of those, Grace?"
Something in his voice, a catch, made me realize that my words had more of an effect on him than I'd intended. I wondered when the last time someone had told him they loved him was.
That was a really sad thing to think about. ~ Maggie Stiefvater

It is funny that people always assume you have a bigger part in a movie than you actually do. I remember a lot of people thought 'Adventureland' starred me and Kristen Wiig. But we were like, 'No, we're only in the movie for like ten minutes!' ~ Bill Hader

All I need is
backup. He's the little angel that sits on my shoulder whispering in my ear,
"You can do it!" It's funny. I'm thirty years old now and I still feel like a little
girl. I'm still looking around to check and see what other people are doing
to make sure I'm not completely different; I'm still looking around for help,
hoping for a quick nudge and a whisper of advice. But I can't seem to be able
to catch anybody's eye. Nobody else around me seems to be looking around
and wondering what to do. Why is it that I feel like I'm the only person who
is confused and concerned about the choices I've made and where I'm
headed? Everywhere I look, I see people just getting on with it. Maybe I
should just follow suit and get on with it. ~ Cecelia Ahern

I am not a pessimist. I suffer and I complain, but I don't know if suffering is the general rule or if it is human to suffer... I am not a pessimist, I am merely sad. ~ Fernando Pessoa

There is a new trend among authors to thank every famous people for inspiration, non-existent assistance, and/or some casual reference to the author's work. Authors do this to pump themselves up. So, on the off chance that this is helpful, I wish to thank the following people: the Prime Minister of India for promoting literacy; Dr APJ Abdul Kalam, who called me up one day and said, "Hey, you're a good writer"; Kabir Das, who inspired me to write about love; Shahrukh Khan, who is an awesome actor; and last but not least, President of India, who once waved to me in New Delhi as the convoy moved from the streets to the Rashtrapati Bhavan Building, screwing up traffic for half an hour, thereby forcing me to kill time by thinking of a great plot to write this book. ~ Nitya Prakash

My heart stops everytime our eyes met when you look at the camera. ~ Xxdeadlyxxmemoriesxx

Buried is the strangest film I've ever done. I'll be the only person in the movie. So, I'm still trying to figure that out. I have a short but impactful amount of time to figure that out and that's all I'm doing when I get home. I won't bury myself, of course ... that would be a sad end! And then the plan is to do Deadpool after that. ~ Ryan Reynolds

My encounter with desperation while witnessing the death of a precious child changed me, teaching me that although we will have sad times, we can move on, chastened and changed but resilient and hopeful. Laurel showed me one way to live with hope as well as cancer as she thrived even when tumors grew within her small body. She exhibited how a child can push aside despair and appreciate as many moments as possible, to believe in the power of resurrection, both the human spirit and in a Biblical sense. ~ Brent Green

I was going straight for Mantis, but then that bloody gas got in my eyes and, I don't know, some massive bloke reared up in front of me. I hit him, but I swear, it was like hiting a wall."
Gracious nodded. "You hit a wall."
Maybury blinked at him. "I what?"
"I saw it. You ran into a cloud of gas and stumbled around for a second until you reached a wall, and then you shrieked and punched it. It was very heroic. ~ Derek Landy

"Yes, but that's our strongest weak point." ~ Samuel Goldwyn

I think anyone who has, you know, is in any sort of artistic pursuit, kind of goes up and down with the way they feel about their work. And I, for the most part, am pretty happy person. But, yeah. I go through definite periods of time where I'm not funny. I'm not good. I'm - I don't feel original. ~ Will Ferrell

Three blind mice walk into a pub. But they are all unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humour from it would be exploitative. ~ Bill Bailey

Yes. I'm going to talk to her. Maybe." Kristoff huffed. "You, Bulda, Grand Pabbie... you act like this is so easy! They may be so-called love experts, but they've never left the valley."
Sven snorted.
"Hi," Anna interrupted, feeling funny. She was suddenly very aware of how she looked, and how he did, too. Kristoff had on a bright blue dress shirt and clean pants. She was wearing a green dress under a flour-and-icing-covered apron. Her braids, which she'd had in for two days, needed refreshing. "Were you looking for me? I mean, not actually looking, but you're here, so maybe... you're hungry?"
He immediately blushed. "What? Yes. I mean, no. I..." He pressed a bunch of carrots into her hands. "I just wanted to give you what I owed you."
"Oh." Anna looked down. "You didn't have to bring me back- oof!"
Sven had bumped into Anna, sending her flying into Kristoff's arms. The two tumbled backward, falling onto several stacks of flour Anna's parents hadn't had a chance to bring into the shop yet.
"This is awkward," Anna said, struggling to get up. 'Not because you're awkward. Because we're... I'm... awkward." She stood up. "You're gorgeous. Wait, what? ~ Jen Calonita

But now when I think about that night, I think about something my stepdad once said when my mom yelled at him for quitting AA. He just told her in this sad, quiet voice, Sometimes the sickest part of me just seems like the truest part. ~ Anna North

It's weird like, you can see the cruelest part of the world. The cruelest part. But then on the other side you see the most beautiful part, do you know? And it's like you go from one extreme to the next and they're both worth it, because you wouldn't see one without the other. But that cruel part, is damn cruel and you'll never forget it. But that heaven ... is heaven. ~ Britney Spears

Do your work, but do your thing. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Such lonely, lost things you find on your way. It would be easier, if you were the only one lost. But lost children always find each other, in the dark, in the cold. It is as though they are magnetized and can only attract their like. How I would like to lead you to brave, stalwart friends who would protect you and play games with dice and teach you delightful songs that have no sad endings. If you would only leave cages locked and turn away from unloved Wyverns, you could stay Heartless. ~ Catherynne M Valente

Lee, I'm not good enough for him."
"Now, what do you mean by that?"
"I'm not being funny. He doesn't think about me. He's made someone up, and it's like he put my skin on her. I'm not like that - not like the made-up one."
"What's she like?"
"Pure!" said Abra. "Just absolutely pure. Nothing but pure - never a bad thing. I'm not like that."
"Nobody is," said Lee.
"He doesn't know me. He doesn't even want to know me. He wants that - white - ghost. ~ John Steinbeck

When I was doing ensemble theater and comedy work, I felt I had some talents. But when I started doing my shows in Berkeley and found that I could be funny on my own, I was shocked. ~ Whoopi Goldberg

Child of the kindly West, I have come to know, if more of us valued your ways - food and cheer above hoarded gold - it would be a merrier world. But sad or merry, I must leave it now. Farewell. ~ J.R.R. Tolkien

We found Trent and pulled him off the leggy girl. "Trent, it's time to get home before your parents realize we snuck out." I said.
"What?" he asked confusedly.
"Plus the bouncer found out we were sixteen and he does not look happy." Logan added.
The girl froze, "You're sixteen? What the hell. You little perv, you're going to pay for this."
Trent sputtered, "What? No."
Logan looked at her all doe eyed innocence and said "Sorry Ma'am, we have to get home now because it's past our curfew."
Trent stood open mouthed in shock but his eyes were shooting murderous rays.
So many death glares, so little time. ~ Amanda Kelly

The world is full of people who will try to bring you down, Caitlin," Mum said, turning to look at me. "And full of things that will make you sad and angry. But they are only people and things, and you, you are a dancer. Dancers are never defeated. ~ Jojo Moyes

The next day the stock market crashed. Hemmingway didn't quite understand what
it all meant, but from the way the white people in town were running around like
chickens without heads, she took it as an omen. ~ Bernice L. McFadden

Inferno: Canto XIII
Not yet had Nessus reached the other side,
When we had put ourselves within a wood,
That was not marked by any path whatever.
Not foliage green, but of a dusky colour,
Not branches smooth, but gnarled and intertangled,
Not apple-trees were there, but thorns with poison.
Such tangled thickets have not, nor so dense,
Those savage wild beasts, that in hatred hold
'Twixt Cecina and Corneto the tilled places.
There do the hideous Harpies make their nests,
Who chased the Trojans from the Strophades,
With sad announcement of impending doom;
Broad wings have they, and necks and faces human,
And feet with claws, and their great bellies fledged;
They make laments upon the wondrous trees. ~ Dante Alighieri

An Ultimate Moral Good cannot just be an idea. It must be, in effect, a personality with consciousness and free will. The rain isn't morally good even though it makes the crops grow; a tornado that kills isn't morally evil - though it may be an evil for those in its way. Happy and sad events, from birth to death, just happen, and we ascribe moral qualities to them as they suit us or don't. But true, objective good and evil, in order to be good and evil, have to be aware and intentional. So an Ultimate Moral Good must be conscious and free; it must be God. So we have to choose. Either there is no God and no morality whatsoever, or there is morality and God is real. Either ~ Andrew Klavan