Humor Relationships Quotes

Emma; but you must think him agreeable. Can you lay your hand on your heart, and say you do not?
- Indeed I can, Both Hands; and spread to their widest extent. ~ Jane Austen

So thirsty," Jack groaned.
"So worried,"said the frog. I hope we don't starve to death."
"Yes,"said Jill, "not starving to death would be nice."
"So would not thirsting to death," said Jack
"Thirsting isn't even a word," said Jill
"It isn't?"
"No."
"Then what's the word?"
"I dont know. You just can't."
"Oh."
This is, of course, the kind of inane conversation that occurs when people are slowly losing their minds. ~ Adam Gidwitz

So maybe we never would have realized we were so compatible if we hadn't been trading song lyrics and movie dialogue. That's textbook trivia right there."
Mindy looks unconvinced. "But that's how *everybody* gets together. They find some dumb thing they both know a little about that they can talk about until the waiter brings dinner. According to you, there probably isn't a marriage or a relationship or a friendship anywhere today that wasn't jump-started by trivia."
"I think that's exactly right," I agree. "To trivia. ~ Ken Jennings

That's all women need men for? Sperm, a paycheck, and free flights? ~ Nicki Elson

I am very clearly the Pigpen to his Schroeder. ~ Christina Lauren

Trick." I say a little louder.
"Shhh, sleep baby." He mumbles. I laugh and smack his arm.
"Wake up. I can feel your morning wood." This gets his attention and he sits up, taking me with him. The arms wrapped around my middle graze my breasts as he shifts up and a tingle shoots straight between my legs.
"God, Caroline, I'm so ... " He stops, probably realizing that he doesn't have morning wood, "I don't have ... " He's actually pretty cute all sleepy. He laughs.
"I know but I couldn't figure out how else to get your attention." I shrug. ~ K. Larsen

If all I have to do is remain awake to be considered romantic, than I can promise you a great deal of romance in our marriage. ~ Sherry Thomas

Don't be fooled, Clara. No one's new and shiny. Not really. ~ Lisa Smartt

"There's really no way I can explain it to her without *still* sounding like scum," I complained to Sinter.
"The 'sympathy shack-up' doesn't score many points," he agreed.
* ~ Molly Ringle

Don't pursue anything that doesn't fill your soul with joy because you can always go to Disneyland. ~ Shannon L. Alder

I smile quietly. She is with me all the time. I feel stupid now, for not seeing it sooner. But hey, at least we'll have this strange story to tell, love and death and blood and daddy-issues. And holy crap, I am a psychiatrist's wet dream.- Cas Lowood, Anna Dressed in Blood ~ Kendare Blake

I took a little walk outside for a while. I was surprised that I wasn't feeling what I thought people were supposed to feel under the circumstances. May be I was fooling myself. I wasn't delighted, but I didn't feel terribly upset, perhaps because we had known for a long time that it was going to happen.

It's hard to explain. If a Martian(who, we'll imagine never dies except by accident) came to Earth and saw this peculiar race of creatures-these humans who live about seventy or eighty years, knowing that death is going to come--it would look to hi like a terrible problem of psychology to live under those circumstances, knowing that life is only temporary Well, we humans somehow figure out how to live despite this problem: we laugh, we joke, we live.

The only difference for me and Arlene was, instead of fifty years, it was five years. It was only a quantitative difference--the psychological problem was just the same. The only way it would have become any different is if we had said to ourselves, "But those other people have it better, because they might live fifty years." But that's crazy. Why make yourself miserable saying things like, "Why do we have such bad luck? What has God done to us? What have we done to deserve this?"--all of which, if you understand reality and take it completely into your heart, are irrelevant and unsolvable. They are just things that nobody can know. Your situation is just an accident of life..

We had a hell of goo ~ Richard P. Feynman

Oh, no. This has "marriage" written all over it. Travis, read my lips: remember that Fellini film with the prostitute who says that every new sunrise makes her a virgin? It doesn't work that way with me. Even the sun thinks I'm a slut. ~ Steve Kluger

It is possible to compromise in certain areas when choosing a partner for life, but never on a cravat. ~ Amanda Grange

You‟re my mate. Think you can handle that?"
It was hard to speak with her heart bursting open. "Think you can handle me?"
"So long as you're gentle with me.""
Emmett to Ria - Whisper of sin ~ Nalini Singh

I'd often slip and fall on the ice after last call, which explained the ever-present welts. If I were with a woman, I'd usually execute a precautionary vomit in the men's room in an effort avoid any ugly incidents once I got her back to her place. And they say chivalry is dead. ~ Dan Dunn

You go in, I go in."
"Listen
"
He took her face in his hands.
"You go, I go. That's non-negotiable. If we're to get blasted to hell or poisoned into lunatics, we do it together."
"Crap, Crap. You have to look less rich and gorgeous."
God help him, she made him grin. "I'll do what I can. ~ J.D. Robb

Just because you're in the market for a minivan doesn't mean you can't test drive a hotrod. ~ Inez Kelley

Wearing a condom is like eating an icecream cone with a sock on your tongue. ~ Mark Gungor

I can't seem to fathom that the things important to me are not important to other people as well, and so I come off sounding like a missionary, someone whose job it is to convert rather than listen. ~ David Sedaris

To my hens, I'm a two-legged giant who throws them corn and keeps stealing their eggs. ~ David Mitchell

How did I dance with a guy who's never heard of feminism?"
"I've heard of it, but that doesn't mean a woman can do everything a man can do," he goaded. I went to smack him on the back of his head, but he ducked with a snicker."I'm learning," he informed me. "How did I ever consider dating such a violent girl?"
"We're both lucky we got out early before we really knew each other."
"Oh yes, good thing neither one of is still interested in the other," Brent said with a playful grin. ~ Lani Woodland

Vin: I don't know
and it's all your fault, you know. I used to understand everything. Now it's all confused.
Kelsier: Yes, we've messed you up right properly. ~ Brandon Sanderson

And what the fuck were you doing parading around in those jeans and that shirt last - "
"Parading?"
"You are not allowed to put on your fuck-me clothes if I ain't there to do the fucking! ~ Mary Calmes

Wow, he must get more ass than a toilet seat! ~ Kresley Cole

If Shane had learned one thing, it was to never tamper with a firecracker during an explosion. That stood double when applied to women – especially when you were the idiot who'd lit the fuse. ~ Kimberly Krey

A woman could love a jackass. She could not love a son of a bitch. Many have tried, Gideon. Many have tried. ~ Deanna Raybourn

I don't talk with everybody because i am not everybody, i am single. ~ Michael Bassey Johnson

If a boy doesn't respect his mother...run! ~ Tracy Yates

Something is definitely wrong with my feelings about marriage and procreation. I worry that not only am I missing the chromosome that allows me to dance respectably, but that I am also lacking a conventional vagina. ~ Chelsea Handler

And since I'm marrying into the Quartet, I have certain privileges and duties. If you're sleeping with Laurel - "
"I'm not sleeping with Laurel. We're dating."
"Right, and the two of you are just going to hold hands, admire the moon, and sing camp songs."
"For a while. Minus the singing. ~ Nora Roberts

Break ups aren't fair. Why does only one person have power? We both agreed to start dating. Why do you get to make the decision to end it? Shouldn't it be a joint decision too?
Relationships aren't a democracy. Not everyone gets an equal vote. ~ Alyssa Ivy Rose

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. ~ Steven Wright

Next thing I know you've run off to Paris and thrown yourself under the nearest Frenchman- ~ Nicholls David

Men are men, mortal or not. ~ K.C. Randall

She pushed the car. But I was so distracted that i forgot to push the button on the timer, so we had to do the whole thing again. Which Lindsey found hilarious. "Ok" she said. "Are you ready NOW, or do we have to send you back to Button Pushing one-oh-one?" "Um, what's Button Pushing One-oh-one?" I was wearing a button down shirt that day. Lindsey reached out and poked one of the buttons into my chest. "There, that's how you push a button. Any questions? ~ Jordan Sonnenblick

I'd once had a long-term relationship with a Five Point Five that got nowhere near living together. This was because I was a Two Point Five, he was a Five Point Five and he wanted a Nine Point Five. Therefore, we were both destined for a broken heart. He gave me mine. He later found a Six Point Five that wanted a Nine Point Five. She got herself a breast enhancement and nose job which made her a firm Seven (if you didn't count the fact that she thought she was a Ten point Five and acted like it which really knocked her down to a Six) who broke his heart. ~ Kristen Ashley

well I believe in commitment it's just I, you know, I don't stick to it. ~ Jim Lewis

Why you wanna treat Mama like she ain't got sense? ~ Hunter Murphy

Honestly, you needn't think it's easy to be the "badly brought up" central figure of a hypocritical family in hiding. ~ Anne Frank

It's probably a bad indicator of your lifestyle when you miss your ex-boyfriend because he's absolutely lethal. ~ Charlaine Harris

Your mother may not speak to you if you do not marry him, but I will not speak to you if you do. ~ Jane Austen

The more she turned right the more I turned wrong. ~ Mark W. Boyer

The clerk is looking at me. His expression hasn't changed. What I want to do is punch a hole in the front of the desk, reach through, grab his balls, and make him sing The Mickey Mouse Club song. But these days, I'm working on the theory that killing everyone I don't like might be counterproductive. I'm learning to use my indoor voice like a big boy, so I smile back at the clerk. ~ Richard Kadrey

I wish I could print up a sign and tape it on my forehead. I OFFICIALLY DO NOT WANT TO KISS ETHAN WATE. NOW PLEASE LET ME BE FRIENDS WITH HIM. ~ Kami Garcia

The best defense is a confusing offense. ~ Kimberly Pauley

Me Tarz-tosterone; You Estro-Jane ~ Tony Cleaver

I admit I get the occasional headache," I said. "I admit some of my hangovers are epic. But usually all it takes for me to bounce back is a sauna, cold-plunge pool, steam bath, massage, and wasabi to clear the sinuses". ~ George Gurley

Either love me or leave me alone.
- jay-z ~ Jay-Z

The Jenna Situation, as you recalled it now, had been fraught with fraughtiness. ~ John Scalzi

Lovers do things together! They rent videos, they ride Ferris wheels, they go out for pizza, they play Scrabble. They ... they talk!'
'Talk?' He lifted his head and frowned, his eyes puzzled. 'We talk all the time, Raine. I've never had such talkative sex.'
'That's just it!' She wiggled, flailed, but couldn't budge him. 'Two minutes alone with you, and I'm flat on my back. Every single time!'
A slow, knowing grin spread over his face. 'Is this your way of telling me you want to be on top? ~ Shannon McKenna

If and American flag had been waving behind her, she'd have looked like a very sexy Marine Corps recruiting poster. The few, the proud, the cottontailed. ~ Susan Elizabeth Phillips

His mind's always on something else. He'd live in a ratty cardigan, and he's always worrying holes in the pockets of his pants. He can never seem to find his wallet or anything in the refrigerator. And just when you think he's not paying any attention to what you're saying or doing, he comes up with exactly the right answer or solution."", [J.D. Robb, Celebrity In Death""People""who expect perfection in a mate miss a lot of fun - and sweetness.", [J.D. Robb, Celebrity In Death] ~ J.D. Robb

Charity knew that she had to be up early in the morning. And she knew that a weepy, silly, ridiculously old-fashioned love story was not the thing to watch with a broken heart. Nevertheless, she watched. And wept. And was still smiling when she fell asleep at three o'clock in the morning, with the remote in her hand and the telly still going. ~ Elizabeth Jane Howard

Love is a damage
made to the heart,
violence,
fate thats written,
Changeable by distance,
Breakable by time ... ! ~ Honey Father

[Echo] dumped her backpack on the floor besides the door. "Children," she called, "I'm home."
Ivy popped her head out of the bathroom door on the opposite side of the room, long, snowy hair-feathers gleaming in the dim light.
"Oh, thank the gods," she answered, wiping her hands on a washcloth as she walked over to Echo. "If I had to listen to Jasper whine about his poultice one more time, I was going to gag him."
"Excuse me, young lady, I do not whine," Jasper said, angling his head to glare at Ivy. "I lament."
Ivy rolled her eyes. "You're nineteen, Jasper. Don't you 'young lady' me. ~ Melissa Grey

No more sex.
I blink several times at Anna as we stand outside the car the next morning. Have we been married long enough for her to say that? ~ Wendy Higgins

When someone leaves you, apart from missing them, apart from the fact that the whole little world you've created together collapses, and that everything you see or do reminds you of them, the worst is the thought that they tried you out and, in the end, the whole sum of parts adds up to you got stamped REJECT by the one you love. How can you not be left with the personal confidence of a passed over British Rail sandwich? ~ Helen Fielding

I think you and he need to talk. And once you do, I won't have to worry about being jumped like a felon again."
Blay frowned. "He and I have nothing to say to each other - "
"With all due respect, the ligature marks around my neck would suggest otherwise. ~ J.R. Ward

There's pretty much no way for me to answer that without sounding like an asshole, so maybe you could do me a solid and not make me. ~ Alex Potvin

I'd rather have rabies than be in love."
"Why?"
"Because at least you can get over rabies with some shots. ~ Shelly Laurenston

So far this fairytale was turning into a comedy…or maybe a horror movie depending on how the night went. ~ Lily J Sant

The color of her eyes was mossy gold. It make me want to write crap poetry and hire a skywriter. Quinn Sullivan ~ Penny Reid

Kids are supposed to relax on vacations, and enjoy themselves, not sitting in the back seat of a car making peace with death and gripping a rosary because Mom is playing chicken with oncoming cars in the mountains. ~ Joshua David Swift

Granana doesn't understand what the big deal is. She didn't cry at Olivia's funeral, and I doubt she even remembers Olivia's name. Granana lost, like, ninety-two million kids in childbirth. All of her brothers died in the war. She survived the Depression by stealing radish bulbs from her neighbors' garden, and fishing the elms for pigeons. Dad likes to remind us of this in a grave voice, as if it explained her jaundiced pitilessness: Boys. Your grandmother ate pigeons. ~ Karen Russell

I see uncool people! ~ Tonya Hurley

That's because we were together for two years and she led me on a treacherous journey through bitchy, across frigid, and into the land of cheating psycho. I barely escaped with my life. It required a week of solid moping just so my balls could grow back. ~ S.E. Culpepper

She spoke under her breath to Nick. "Is there a reason he's only wearing one sock?" "He puked on his foot." "Oh." She turned back to Huxley. "Can we get you another sock? Maybe a blanket or something? ~ Julie James

Keep your southern fried bullshit to yourself. And know this, Charlie is the sweetest girl I've ever met and if you hurt her, or infect her with some kind of disease, you will die. Slowly. ~ Eve Dangerfield

When your dreams turn into a nightmare, it's time to wake up. ~ Rachelle Ayala

He's more how Satan would look if he needed to seduce you into drowning a baby. ~ Eve Dangerfield

Sports bars are also a great place for guys to meet other guys
either for sex or for wrestling, whichever feels more right. ~ Eugene Mirman

Men come and go but bills are forever. ~ Michael Baisden

The biggest fight in my relationship with Danny regards his absurd claim that he invited the popular middle school phenomenon of saying "cha-cha-cha" after each phrase of the Happy Birthday song- an idea his ingenious sixth-grade brain allegedly spawned in a New Jersey Chuck E. Cheese and watched spread across 1993 America with an unprecedented rapidity. ~ Marina Keegan

Can you imagine it, Alister? Can you imagine what it was like for a shade like me to experience the world again through all of your senses- vision and touch, and smell and taste and hearing?"
"I wouldn't have gone to the library, I'll tell you that," Han said.
Crow laughed. "I like you, Alister. All of this would have been easier if you were unlikable. And stupid. You would have been considerably more tractable. ~ Cinda Williams Chima

Laurie: Besides marrying for love is vastly over-rated. There will be no guarantees that love will last. But a million dollars lasts a long time if you invest it properly ~ Carol Grace

It's sad, and you're sad, but as you reflect on the three wonderful years you shared you begin to realize that relationships can be a success even if they end in a breakup. They have to, right? Otherwise every relationship you've ever had and ever will have will be a failure unless one or both of you DIES, and that's baloney. That's straight up baloney sandwiches. ~ Ryan North

A wannabe small town girl comes to a big city chasing her dreams where she meets her charming prince; they fall in love, stay together and make love every day, almost. But they don't live happily thereafter because her grandpa wants to see her get married.
*Conditions Apply- Same caste, NRI, rich, dumb and asshole. ~ Subhasis Das

I suppose you're right about some perspectives. Just a few weeks ago, I thought you were a dickhead. ~ Mary E. Pearson

Give it time, I thought. I grow on people; I'm like an industrial solvent, I'll wear you down... ~ Wilton Barnhardt

Men are very sensitive, Mma Makutsi. You would not always think it to look at them, but they are. They do not like you to point out that they are wrong, even when they are. That is the way things are, Mma
it just is. ~ Alexander McCall Smith

What do you think?" I asked, a teasing smile curving my lips. "Did we know each other in another life?"
He gave a faint smile. "I can guarantee it."
I looked up at him, surprised by his seriousness. "Oh really?" I said, cocking an eyebrow coyly, "So what was I like, oh-expert-on-my-past-life?"
A smile touched his lips. As he thought, he seemed to be in another place.
When he came out of his trance, he answered, "Similar to how you are now. Smart,funny, stunningly beautiful ... and you were a horrible pool player then too." He laughed as I punched him in the shoulder.
"Very funny," I said.
"Your punches used to hurt less though. ~ Angela Corbett

Because of their DNA, most men loved a damsel in distress. Every time a man sees a pretty lass in trouble, even the boorish slob-of-a-man transforms into a chivalrous knight-in-shining-armour. This was why most women (no matter how strong, competent or resourceful) were forced to act shy, demure and helpless so that their men could feel like strong grizzly bears or ferocious mountain lions. ~ Mallika Nawal

See if you can spot the difference between these two statements:

(a) «Those trousers make your backside look fat.»

(b) «You're a repellently obese old hag upon whom I am compelled to heap insults and derision - depressingly far removed from the, 'stupid, squeaky, pocket-sized English women,' who make up my vast catalogue of former lovers and to whom I might as well return right now as I hate everything about you.»

Maybe the acoustics were really bad in the dining room, or something. ~ Mil Millington

It felt like I had a thousand packs of Strawberry Pop Rocks simultaneously detonating in my chest, and I dilated at least eight centimeters! ~ Piper Faust

Every letter was a love letter. Of course, as love letters went, this one could have been better. It was not very promising, for instance, that Madeleine claimed not to want to see him for the next half-century. ~ Jeffrey Eugenides

These guys may not talk too much about relationships, but they sure do blush at telling moments, don't they? Maybe that's the key to understanding the opposite sex; I could invent a science, call it blushology. ~ Jody Gehrman

Love is a two-way street constantly under construction. ~ Carroll Bryant

She called for her fiance and told him not to take on so, and that they would still be married, even if he was but a prince and she a queen, and she chucked him beneath his pretty chin and kissed him until he smiled. ~ Neil Gaiman

Sleeping with a man half your age can be exhausting, but if it's too much for him you can always find a younger man. ~ Barbara Taylor Bradford

Boyfriend huh? I didn't realize we had taken things to that level."
"Oh, I'm sorry
this is my first undercover operation," Jordan said. "I'm a little unclear about the rules. Are we seeing other people in this fake relationship? ~ Julie James

There are some things I don't understand about Jess and never will. No wedding dress. No flowers. No photo album. No champagne. The only thing she got out of her wedding was a husband. (I mean, obviously the husband is the main point when you get married. Absolutely. That goes without saying. But still, not even a new pair of shoes?) ~ Sophie Kinsella

Crying all the time had made her more beautiful. Grief will do that sometimes. Not for me. Loretta had left months ago and I still looked like hell. ~ Junot Diaz

It won't be whiskey, won't be meth
It'll be your name on my last breath
If divorce or death ever do us part
The coroner will call it a broken heart ~ The Band Perry

I wish for you four animals: a mink on the shoulders, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and a jackass to pay for it all. To you! ~ John Oldale

Normally writers do not talk much,because they are saving their conversations for the readers of their book-
those invisible listeners with whom we wish to strike a sympathetic chord. ~ Ruskin Bond

Social portals are so demanding that you say something you are reprimanded by one, you don't say, you are coaxed or complained by another; pressing 'exit' makes you unsocial. Rules of 'eternal happiness' changing permanently. ~ Sandeep Sahajpal

I had a dream about you; I've had multiple dreams about you. If I had to choose between the real you and the dream you then…Goodnight. ~ Rodney Jenkins

He was uncomplicated and upbeat and easy. At one point, I might have thought these traits made him a simpleton, but now I think they just translate to happiness. ~ Emily Giffin

Just two naked guys enjoying a manly hug in the middle of the apocalypse. - Cody Forester, Werewolf Apocalypse ~ Roxanne Smolen