Sam Kinison Quotes

My view of life is, 'If you're going to miss Heaven, why miss it by two inches? Miss it!

I've never been against women. That anti-feminist rap is bogus. I think men should be nice to women, buy them diamonds.

I have lived a carnal life.

Anyone can go out on stage and start beating people over the head with rubber chickens. That'll get people's attention.

Every generation has someone who steps outside the norm and offers a voice for the unspeakable attitudes of that time. I represent everything that's supposed to be wrong, everything that's forbidden.

I'd rather entertain people than offend them.

I don't deny my life-style is occasionally pretty wild.

Folks, I've been straight for seventeen days ... Not all in a row.

It was great to be the rock comic, the shock comic. But after you've played Giants Stadium with Bon Jovi in front of 82,000 people, after you've done the 'Wild Thing' video with Jessica Hahn and every rock band from hell, you're not gonna top that.

I'm attracted to heartbreakers.

John Goodman isn't fat. He's in a category beyond fat. What does one call it? Whalelike.

You gotta keep falling in love. You gotta believe in it. What are you going to do ... give sheep the vote?

There's no happy ending to cocaine. You either die, you go to jail, or else you run out.

It was like going to church, except Ozzy Osbourne was there.

I want to show people that there's a side of myself other than just the outrageous comedian.

How does a guy look at another guy's hairy ass, and find love?

Just because I do a few comedy bits about gay people, that does not mean I'm out there promoting some anti-gay cause.

It occurred to me that there wouldn't be world hunger, if you people would MOVE WHERE THE FOOD IS!!!

Obviously I'm not a role model for impressionable youth.

Rage only works if it is justified. That's the trick with rage. You gotta have a reason to be mad.

In the 1990s, it's OK to do comedy about the Chernobyl disaster or the Space Shuttle blowing up. It's acceptable to ridicule the Pope or the President of the United States, but God forbid you do a joke ... about gays. The gay community is the last sacred cow in this society.

Real comedy doesn't just make people laugh and think, but makes them laugh and change.

Lick the alphabet. It makes you appear creative, it's an easy diagram to remember, it's like aaaaa ... beeeee ... ceeee.

I'm a comedian, and my comedy has never endorsed violence towards gays.

Rock Against Drugs, what a name. Somebody was high when they came up with that title. It's like Christians Against Christ. Rock created drugs.

There's always 30 or 40 Christians standing around, saying, "It's a shame that he has to die." And Jesus is saying, "Well, maybe I wouldn't have to if somebody would get a ladder and pair of pliers!!

I got divorced, which was not a good thing for a revivalist minister. It did not go down well. I'd already been banned from a couple churches for my jokes. So one day I woke up and decided it was time to start living for myself.

I'm not going to give up the shock part of my comedy.

If I've learned one thing, it's 'don't tell the truth.' Lies keep you together.

Jim Bakker. He's lost everything, he's ruined. And the worst thing of all he still has to wake up to her!

Stand-up comedy is an art form and it dies unless you expand it.

Everything can be satirized.

Jesus had a tough life. I read about that guy. Jesus is the only guy that ever came back from the dead that didn't scare the F- out of everybody!

When has stand-up comedy been kind to anyone? It goes after anyone who's the target. Comedy attacks, man.

I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.

So many of these comics are just frustrated singers or actors - they want to get a gig doing a sitcom. It's paint-by-the-numbers comedy, lame joke-telling. They're drawn to it as a career move.

I started saying things in church that didn't meet with a lot of approval - like 'Jesus isn't coming back.' They started throwing Bibles.

I called a detox center - just to see how much it would cost: $13,000 for three weeks! My friends, if you can come up with thirteen grand, you don't have a problem yet.

You know what the problem is with world hunger? We've been sending them food.

I look for women I know are gonna bust me up good. Come on, man, who can resist that? Who can resist that emotional pain? Yeah, they all have the same line, they're so sweet: I'm not gonna hurt you like all the others. Really I'm not. I'm gonna introduce you to a whole new level of pain!

If I get married again, I want a guy there with a drum to do rimshots during the vows.