Kristen Schaal Quotes

A kiss is like a fight, with mouths.

Oh man, the car could just burst into flames right now and this would be the way to go, huh guys?

As you can see, I speak many languages, including the language of sex.

Some women were talking about how I put out. And that's just not that case. I don't put out - unless I'm asked very, very politely, and that's not putting out, that's just giving in.

All the best movies are the ones that are cut from a more middle ground.

I used to carry a rabbit's foot for luck. Then it was a monkey's paw. Now it's a camel's toe.

I don't enjoy reality television at all. I have to say that I get it, though. I watch some of it, and I understand why people enjoy it.

I just really like people, and being a freelancer can be lonely during the day, when you're at home trying to write anything you can. 'Flight Of The Conchords' was so wonderful because I had a family for two years.

If you were to send a werewolf to the moon, would he be a werewolf permanently?

Just because I'm married to Doug doesn't mean I can't be here for you.

Still blows my mind that toilet paper isn't free.

My sensibilities are like, 'I want it to be weirder.'

You're looking good today Bret. Very hot ... hotter than Jemaine. You have a refined bone structure, while Jemaine's facial features are too deep set to be classically handsome.

You go from nobody looking at you to people taking second looks. I remember really loving it - and then feeling so guilty for loving it. Like, 'That's gross, Kristen.' Also, telling myself it could go away at any moment, and I'd be so sad.

I love the idea that I have the power to look for the projects I can put myself into, but I'm still at that level of just being happy to have a job.

The torture that they are coming up with in China is so creative. They have this other method where they'll take a bamboo and they'll plant it in your anus and just let it grow. So patient. Man, watch out for China, I say. They have all the ambition as we do but none of the heart.

I would be an actress for the rest of my life just because it's really relaxing. Writing is hard work, and stand-up is so stressful before you get on stage, but acting is a complete ensemble experience.

I probably shouldn't say this about all animals, but at least the farm animals that I've hung out with, and even when I go to the zoo usually, they're like a blank slate. I guess that's why I like them. They're puppets, and you can imagine them being anything you want.

1st Valentine's Day: 200,000 BC men and women congregate on opposite sides of Pangaea, waiting for someone to make the first move.

'Rock of Love' with Bret Michaels was fun. He's a lovable guy.

I would imagine that Bret would taste like a warm goat cheese, and Jemaine would taste like harvati with dill. Hmm ... I'm hungry actually.

Mel: Does Bret's girlfriend look anything like me? Murray: A little, around the eyes. Mel: Oh yeah? Big eyes huh? Murray: Well ... she's got eyes.

Most of the people I know in comedy are not weird or messed up.

My style can't be held within a pixel medium. Like, it needs to be performed in a living, breathing space. People need to have all their senses ready to take on my comedy, and unfortunately, TV alienates at least their sense of touch, taste, smell.

I would never bring a kid to a comedy show myself, but I have noticed that I can't stop other people from bringing their kids.

I'm so happy to be around people. I just really like people, and being a freelancer can be lonely during the day, when you're at home trying to write anything you can.

One good thing about being locked in a cage: No responsibility!

I thought I would either be an epidemiologist or a 'Price Is Right' model.

I would like to be known as someone who was really sweet but also knowledgeable in all areas of life.

I used to go to open mics in New York when I was starting out, and it was mostly just people who wanted an audience to look at them for eight minutes on a stage.

Fingernails are for opening things and toenails are for storing precious minerals off the ground.

No one knows who the real me is, so I can be a hundred different kinds of me.

Everybody's trying to leave their mark on the world. That's why there's graffiti and babies.

This is very ambitious, but I don't care. I'm just gonna go ahead and find Amelia Earhart. Every day that goes by, I just fear the worst for her.

I never really saw myself as a standup comedian. I always just thought of myself as someone who used the eight minutes or 10 minutes she was allotted and had a blast.

Are you related to Criss Angel? Because you look like an angel.

I'm not really a control person, and I'm a big believer in collaboration. I like to have a friend.

I'd hate to be a writer forever and never perform, and I'd hate to perform and not write. I get sad if time has passed and I haven't written or made anything. I'm an artist.

At first the kid kicking the back of my airplane seat was enraging. Then I imagined it was a broken massage chair and I kinda liked it.

I mean if you two were to make love, that would be gay. Two men touching each other physically and emotionally ... erotically caressing each other ... on the hood of a car ... or the back of a movie theater ...

I would love for people to know that the label 'feminist' is something that everyone should wear proudly, because it just means that you support women.

He resisted for a while and there were some legal boundaries, you know, keeping me from being near him or his family, but in the end, love overcame. And I got what I wanted. I always get what I want ...

I diagnosed my loneliness as premature empty nest syndrome.

Sometimes I try to sell shows with a female lead to networks, and that isn't something that's been a proven formula for them, so they reject it. I do feel like men get the funniest roles in movies.

In the U.K., there's absolutely no money for television. So you can do pretty much whatever you want. They're not losing money on any of the shows, so they'll give you a lot of creative freedom. In the United States, there are millions and millions of dollars at stake, so they need a sure formula.