Marriage Humor Quotes

Sure, I was married..."once."
Which is why, even to this very day, "never again" continues to be my favorite number. ~ Scott Schafer

Once or twice, in the first days of his marriage, he had asked himself with a slight shiver what would happen if Susy should begin to bore him. The thing had happened to him with other women as to whom his first emotions had not differed in intensity from those she inspired. ~ Edith Wharton

A legal or religious ceremony by which two persons of the opposite sex solemnly agree to harass and spy on each other ... until death do them join. ~ Elbert Hubbard

If it weren't for marriage, men and women would have to fight with total strangers. ~ Dave Barry

If all I have to do is remain awake to be considered romantic, than I can promise you a great deal of romance in our marriage. ~ Sherry Thomas

Marriage is a blast. Like a bomb. ~ Julieanne O'Connor

New Rule: Gay marriage won't lead to dog marriage. It is not a slippery slope to rampant inter-species coupling. When women got the right to vote, it didn't lead to hamsters voting. No court has extended the equal protection clause to salmon. And for the record, all marriages are "same sex" marriages. You get married, and every night, it's the same sex. ~ Bill Maher

Marriage is the Rubik's Cube of the 21st Century - something young people are fascinated with but have no idea how to do. ~ Stewart Stafford

She has carefully audited her life and found she has no requirement for a husband. ~ Helen Smith

The most incomprehensible thing in the world to a man, is a woman who rejects his offer of marriage! ~ Jane Austen

Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown male child who can not be handled by his parents any more. ~ Thabang Gideon Magaola

No two dogs are alike. And yet, all dogs have something in common that makes them dogs, and makes them different from cats. The same goes for men and women. The trouble starts when cats don't realize that dogs are different. Dogs think differently, and perceive the world differently, than cats do. I'm a dog. You're a cat. And a dog knows better what it's like to be a dog than a cat does. ~ Oliver Markus Malloy

Psychologists call this habituation, economists call it declining marginal utility, and the rest of us call it marriage. ~ Daniel M. Gilbert

Marriage is a necessary evil ~ Amit Abraham

We got married: society's solution to loneliness, lust and laundry. ~ Luke Rhinehart

The more she turned right the more I turned wrong. ~ Mark W. Boyer

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!" ~ Henny Youngman

While you're singing something romantic, I can't get the lyrics to 'Love and Marriage' out of my head, and that tune always reminds me of the jingle from Jeopardy. ~ E.A. Bucchianeri

No, but on the other hand you don't enact me Cheltenham tragedies when I've barely swallowed my breakfast. ~ Georgette Heyer

A man wants too many things before marriage, but only peace after it. ~ Pawan Mishra

Only about 3 percent of animal species are monogamous. A couple of penguins, some otters and a few other oddball critters. To these select few it comes natural to mate for life and never look at another member of the opposite sex. Humans are not part of that little club. Like the other 97% of species, humans are not monogamous by nature. We just pretend that we are. ~ Oliver Markus

I think that sense of humor is important in marriage. A sense of humor gets people through marriage. ~ Kyle Chandler

Such a mad marriage never was before. ~ William Shakespeare

Marriage is an adventure, like going to war. ~ Gilbert K. Chesterton

Most of a husband's life is spent in doing research on his wife. ~ Pawan Mishra

You need to be my wife to win with me. ~ Pawan Mishra

At some point you do not need to talk to have a conversation. The conversation exists whether you have it or not. It continues silently in a parallel dimension of the marriage. They both pause to let it run its course toward another stalemate. ~ Chris Bachelder

The decision to get married will impact one's life more deeply than almost any decision in life. Yet people continue to rush into marriage with little or no preparation for making a marriage successful. In fact, many couples give far more attention to making plans for the wedding than making plans for marriage. The wedding festivities last only a few hours, while the marriage, we hope, will last for a lifetime ~ Gary Chapman

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. ~ Henny Youngman

He announced to me that as soon as ever he grows up, he will get married, just because he wants to have little children, whom he likes. 'There is only one trouble,' he added, very seriously, 'I shall have to live all the time with my wife; there is no escape. ~ Aimee Dostoyevsky

She is the keeper of my heart, my soul, my dick and balls. ~ A.K. Kuykendall

Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy. ~ Francois De La Rochefoucauld

Mrs. Allen was one of that numerous class of females, whose society can raise no other emotion than surprise at there being any men in the world who could like them well enough to marry them. She had neither beauty, genius, accomplishment, nor manner. ~ Jane Austen

In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar - a practice which is still continued. ~ Helen Rowland

Jeremy, Good luck on your first marriage. ~ David Sedaris

You have to fight for your marriage, do whatever it takes. The commitment has to be there. And if you don't have a sense of humor, I don't know how anybody makes it. ~ Kay Robertson

He never quarreled with his wife, but he never talked to her;--he never had time to talk, he was so taken up with speaking. ~ Anthony Trollope

Love protects and preserves in all times. ~ Lailah Gifty Akita

Sarah, in the crush, was able to study Miss Lucas's face discreetly, she wondered what it was like to know that you were to be married, that you would have a home, an income, that you were set up for life. To have achieved all this simply by agreeing to put up with one particular man until he died. ~ Jo Baker

Van Gogh on his brother's upcoming marriage: "It's because he's in Holland, where he's getting married one of these days. Now, while not denying the advantages of a marriage in the very least, once it has been done and one is quietly set up in one's home, the funereal pomp of the reception &c., the lamentable congratulations of two families (even civilized) at the same time, not to mention the fortuitous appearances in those pharmacist's jars where antediluvian civil or religious magistrates sit – my word – isn't there good reason to pity the poor unfortunate obliged to present himself armed with the requisite papers in the places where, with a ferocity unequalled by the cruellest cannibals, you're married alive on the low heat of the aforementioned funereal receptions. ~ Liesbeth Heenk

Death is a funny thing. Not funny haha, like a Woody Allen movie, but funny strange, like a Woody Allen marriage. ~ Norm MacDonald

The boring thing with 'No sex before marriage' is that kids will never get to attend their parents' wedding. ~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

The groom should not see you in the dress just before the wedding, that's bad luck. You know what's worst luck? Is getting married, itself. I've read studies. It's like 2 out of 3 of those end in divorce, sometimes more. 3 out of 2, some. ~ Hank Moody

A wise woman has already a rite
Where she knows right from left.
She usually writes when she's right
And always leaves before she's left. ~ Ana Claudia Antunes

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. ~ Laurel Thatcher Ulrich

I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years. ~ Sam Kinison

I'm a registered Republican, I only seem liberal because I believe that hurricanes are caused by high barometric pressure and not gay marriage. ~ Aaron Sorkin

The wall between writing and painting is just good grammar.

Moderation in moderation.

Fun is scary with a happy ending.

Just love. If love doesn't transform that which annoys you, it will be easier to tolerate. ~ Emily Thornton Calvo

Americans like what is easy, and it's easy to like pregnant women - they're like ducklings or bunnies or dogs. Still, it baffles me that these self-righteous, self-enthralled waddlers get such special treatment. As if it's so hard to spread your legs and let a man ejaculate between them. ~ Gillian Flynn

That sounds like the sin of pride, Marshal. Better run downstairs and let Miss December flog it out of you. Webcam it and charge by the minute. You won't ever have to take government money again. ~ Richard Kadrey

You don't need to be smarter; you just need dumber friends. ~ Lois Greiman

Didn't go in, just hovered outside like homeless person because (a) place was too small and Detta would have spotted me, and (b) once you're through doors of shop like that, if you try to leave without buying anything, they shoot you in the back with sniper's rifle. ~ Marian Keyes

the difference between a good cup of coffee and a bad one was like the difference between a filet mignon steak and raw seaweed. ~ Vera Jane Cook

Cael, come on. Stop licking the dude. That's gross."

Letty let out a snort. "Please, like you don't lick dudes."

"That's different," Dex explained with a grimace. "None of those dudes were Ash. Besides, last time I checked, Ash was allergic to nuts. ~ Charlie Cochet

This person was standing under Lavery's portrait of Lady Walpole-Wilson, painted at the time of her marriage, in a white dress and blue sash, a picture he was examining with the air of one trying to fill in the seconds before introductions begin to take place, rather than on account of a deep interest in art. ~ Anthony Powell

And believe me, darling, there's no man more faithful than a reformed playboy. They make far better husbands than men who haven't had time to sow their wild oats before they marry, so go off the rails at about forty-five because they suddenly realise that they've missed out on life and if they don't hurry up it's going to be too late. ~ Sally Wentworth

A heart? Peppone knows where one is to be met with. There is always someone in the black market in need of dying early. ~ Michelle Franklin

Here is Lady Winchilsea, for example, I thought, taking down her poems. She was born in the year 1661; she was noble both by birth and by marriage; she was childless; she wrote poetry, and one has only to open her poetry to find her bursting out in indignation against the position of women: ~ Virginia Woolf

God. How would I cope if I went to jail? I'd never even been to boarding school. ~ J.L. Merrow

It became sort of a snowball effect, with guys trying to deal in their own way with 9/11, whether it was drinking or whatever, ~ Denis Leary

First, you scribble. Then, you write. ~ Timi Waters

To review briefly, in the late 1960s, men got paid more than women (usually double) for doing the exact same job. Women could get credit cards in their husband's names but not their own, and many divorced, single and separated women could not get cards at all. Women could not get mortgages on their own and if a couple applied for a mortgage, only the husband's income was considered. Women faced widespread and consistent discrimination in education, scholarship awards, and on the job. In most states the collective property of a marriage was legally the husband's since the wife had allegedly not contributed to acquiring it. Women were largely kept out of a whole host of jobs--doctor, college professor, bus driver, business manager--that women today take for granted. They were knocked out in the delivery room... once women got pregnant they were either fired from their jobs or expected to quit. If they were women of color, it was worse on all fronts--work education, health care. (And talk about slim pickings. African American men were being sent to prison and cut out of jobs by the millions.) Most women today, having seen reruns of The Brady Bunch and Father Knows Best, and having heard of Betty Friedan's The Feminine Mystique, the bestseller that attacked women's confinement to the home, are all too familiar with the idealized yet suffocating media images of happy, devoted housewives. In fact, most of us have learned to laugh at them, vacuuming in their stockings and heels, clu ~ Susan J. Douglas

I come home from work this evening
there was a note in the frying pan
said Fix Your Own Supper Babe
I Run Off With The Fuller Brush Man
Well I sat down at the table
screamed & hollered & cried
I commenced to carring on
'till I almost lost my mind
and I miss the way
she used to Yell At Me
the way she used to Cuss & Moan
and if I ever go out
and get married again
I'll never leave my wife
at home
The Frying Pan
Diamonds In The Rough
John Prine ~ John Prine

Dagmar tried to stand, and Gwenvael caught her hand, pulling her back down. "You can't leave me. I'm tortured and brooding. You need to show me how much you adore me so I can learn to love myself again."
"You've never stopped loving yourself."
"Because I'm amazing. ~ G.A. Aiken

Privately, in the depths of my heart, I would have given my soul to have stood beside her in a large, yes, a large, fashionable church, crammed with people, with old reverend clergymen, with The Voice that breathed o'er Eden, with palms and the smell of scent, knowing there was a red carpet and confetti outside, and somewhere, a wedding-cake and champagne and a satin shoe to throw after the carriage - if I could have slipped our wedding-ring on to her finger.

Not because I cared for such horrible shows, but because I felt it might possibly perhaps lessen this ghastly feeling of absolute freedom, her absolute freedom, of course. ~ Katherine Mansfield

Marriage is an institution necessary to the maintenance of society but contrary to the laws of nature. ~ Honore De Balzac

I was in no mood to negotiate with the Tampon Terrorist. ~ Helene Boudreau

Actually, the Sniper's sense of humor frightened Amy more than anything else. The parody of Carla's poem had been witty, the rudeness of Marvy's critique outlandish, and she was still, for some reason, focused on that "youse" in the Sniper's counterfeit email. "Youse" was like a spectral elbow to Amy's ribs. Dangerous, malevolent people should not be amusing. In order to be humorous, you had to have perspective, to be able to stand outside yourself and your own needs and grudges and fears and see yourself for the puny ludicrous creature you really are. How could somebody do that and still imagine himself entitled to harry, to wound, to kill? ~ Jincy Willett

It's you," she murmured, staring at his eyes, a fine, dove gray.
He smiled. "Of course, it's me. Let's get you back to your boat. ~ Cheryl Sterling

Macho does not prove mucho. ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor

Life is a journey. Time is a river. The door is ajar ~ Jim Butcher

Like some huge, mutant chicken–I sat there hatching a gas-egg the size of a planet. ~ Ferguson Fartworthy

He'd kill you all right. No sweat. But for the wrong reasons. Amateur's reasons. Of course, you'll be just as dead. ~ Laurell K. Hamilton

I'll try to turn the other cheek....But I've only got two and they're both stinging. ~ Heather Blanton

Love didn't end all at once, no matter how much you needed it to or how inconvenient it was. You couldn't command love to stop any more than a marriage document could order it to appear. Maybe love had to bleed away a drop at a time until your heart was numb and cold and mostly dead. ~ Mary E. Pearson

All women, from the countess to the cook-maid, are put into high good humor with themselves when a man is taken with them at firstsight. And be they ever so plain, they will find twenty good reasons to defend the judgment of such a man. ~ Samuel Richardson

Yes. But ... " She stroked the smooth backs of her claws down his arms. "You'll have to spend eternity making it up to me."
He released her to lever himself above her, cupping the back of her neck. His gaze flickered over her face, then met the eyes of his wife as she smiled up at him. Feeling love for her so strong it hurt him, his voice ragged with it, he rasped, "Milaya, it is done. ~ Kresley Cole

people who do not get the joke are dangerous people indeed ~ Viet Thanh Nguyen

Later, as I attempted to lean over the high sides of the hospital
bed to kiss David, I couldn't reach either his forehead or his lips, so
I began kissing the length of his arm.
"I love you," I told him before I was ready to leave for the night.
His beautiful brown eyes locked with mine.
"Thank you," he replied simply, grabbing hold of my hand with
his. I brought it to my lips in response.
Thank you, as if my love were a great gift to him, when all along
his love was the gift to me. ~ Mary Potter Kenyon

You took out a book on blow-job technique from the British Library? They shouldn't have books like that in there! ~ Sarra Manning

What exactly does a friend do? ~ Kiersten White

Or because he got eighteen years when he should have gotten more.'
'Seventeen,' Gus corrected.
'I'm assuming you've got some time, you interrupting bastard. ~ John Green

They marched back to the kitchen in silence, the only sound being Rufus's growl when Dunford tried to pet him.
"Can a rabbit growl?" he asked, unable to believe his ears.
"Obviously he can. ~ Julia Quinn

Belief sloshes around in the firmament like lumps of clay spiralling into a potter's wheel. That's how gods get created, for example. They clearly must be created by their own believers, because a brief resume of the lives of most gods suggests that their origins certainly couldn't be divine. They tend to do exactly the things people would do if only they could, especially when it comes to nymphs, golden showers, and the smiting of your enemies. ~ Terry Pratchett

I fear you're correct there. Catherine warns me that he has the look of a scoundrel about him."
"Jack has told me that he's not going to let his daughter out of the house until she's forty. ~ Lorraine Heath

It was in this pub he'd learnt that, contrary to the belief of the majority of those laying bets, it is possible to flatten a hundred frogs with a hammer in less than thirty seconds. In short, it was a pub with a reputation. And very slimy walls. ~ Tony McGuin