Comedy Funny Quotes

And For You Zero, A Life Sized Vudu Doll"
-Kaname Kuran
"I DONT WANT IT!"
-Zero Kiryu
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"
-Juri Elizabeth Marin ~ Matsuri Hino

Well, bloody noses." I hug his coat tighter. "Those are definitely hot. ~ Stephanie Perkins

When the thing did not explode, Polybotes bent down cautiously and picked it up.
He roared in outrage. "A Ding Dong? You dare insult me with a Ding Dong? ~ Rick Riordan

As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up. ~ George Carlin

You know, it wasn't even that I'm a funny guy, I just loved stand-up comedy and I wanted to do it. It was one of the few things in my life that I knew I was going to be able to do, and I also felt as though I'd be able to do it the way I wanted to do it. ~ Bill Burr

He immediately went down with a thud and I was pretty certain most of the furniture in the room jumped when he landed. ~ Kristen Ashley

According to the rules of comedy, your suffering will be funny after an undetermined length of time. Maybe not while you're having your gangrenous leg sawed off, watching your home burn down or learning how to be intimate with your cellmate, but, in the big scheme of things, soon. ~ Chuck Lorre

The next afternoon I left work to find that my car had been broken into and ransacked - but that not one thing had been stolen. I was so insulted that I left a note on the window that read:
Dear Scumbag Thieves,
If you go to the trouble of tossing my car, you could at least steal a lousy pair of sunglasses.
The next day I discovered a gift card lying on the driver's seat with this message:
Here's $500. It's the best we can do until the holidays.
P.S. Get some decent tires, why don't you. We couldn't sell these desperate maypops if we did steal them. ~ Molly Meadows

Who are you and how did you get in here?" "I'm a locksmith. And, I'm a locksmith. ~ Leslie Nielsen

Is it spoken word? Kinda, but that's a weird area. Is it comedy? Well, it's funny but no, it's not comedy. ~ Bruce McCulloch

Go fuck a cactus, classless cunt. ~ H.M. Ward

When I tell people I'm a comedian they say, 'Oh, are you funny?' I say, 'No, it's not that kind of comedy.' ~ Susan Sarandon

I was once on a German talk show, and this woman said to me, 'Mr. Williams, why do you think there is not so much comedy in Germany?' And I said, 'Did you ever think you killed all the funny people?' ~ Robin Williams

The Occupy Wall Street movement faltered when activists realized that traders were quite busy already. ~ The Covert Comic

Poncho was in a red mood slanging with rage and needed to cook himself out of it , while shoving handfuls of salted peanuts down his gullet and slurping ice cold Fanta ~ Saira Viola

Suddenly, however, the dastardly department of my personality presented two plans, one of which involved dynamite, mustache wax, some rope, and train tracks ... which I rejected due to financial investment. ~ Laurie Notaro

This is what my high school life had become - a horror show of epic, mind-fuck proportions. ~ G.G. Silverman

If we get a 3D printer at the office, the first thing I'm printing with it is a new 3D printer just for me! ~ The Covert Comic

Philadelphia is just the tip of the Pittsburgh. ~ The Covert Comic

What is she doing here? I wondered. Hasn't she had enough green-upping? ~ Lisa Papademetriou

You have more issues than Reader's Digest. ~ Rebecca McNutt

You can't draw lines in the sand like that. Humour's a tsunami that doesn't care about your little lines. ~ S.A. Tawks

Only love will attract love."~ Amunhotep El Bey ~ Amunhotep El Bey

Slap-stick comedy is really funny, unless you're the one getting slapped with the stick. ~ Carroll Bryant

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people. ~ Chelsea Handler

Dowist: (n.) blind believer in the stock market. ~ Sol Luckman

The medium is the message, the message is encrypted, and the encryption key is controlled by NSA. ~ The Covert Comic

Funny is funny is funny. ~ Bob Newhart

Comedy is so subjective. You could be in a room with 400 people laughing at a joke and you could just not think it's funny. You're just sitting there like, 'Am I in the twilight zone? Why is everyone laughing?' It's such a personal thing. People have such a personal visceral response to comedy. ~ Todd Phillips

Manners without sincerity, is called polite society ~ Josh Stern

Her lips full and inviting, she has an infectious laugh and glassy cackle in her eyes, and a 2000 volt sexual charisma that beckons me like a fluff girl on scuffed knees. ~ Brett Tate

Maybe your aunt is funny in quiet moments with her friends because like many women her age, she was taught to not draw attention to herself. And maybe she also noticed how men of her generation weren't attracted to the women who spoke out of turn and uttered their own opinions out loud. And certainly these types of men weren't attracted to women who were funnier than them. Women have always been funny. They just weren't interested in sharing their jokes with you. Truth in point, my mom is hilarious. She has also been single since 1974. ~ W. Kamau Bell

I just want to be funny, I just want to do comedy. ~ Tracy Morgan

OTHER lives may find their happiest moments infiltrated with tragedy, and their proudest touched with comedy. This had almost invariably been true of mine. My proudest hour found me, the newly elected president of the United Nations, perched atop three thick New York City telephone books given me in lieu of a cushion that I might see and be seen by the delegates below the podium. ~ Carlos P. Romulo

I was a lazy reader as a kid. One nutrition label on a box of Cap'n Crunch and I'd have to take a nap. ~ M.J. McGuire

What are you assholes looking at?" "Nothing," said Radar. "We're certainly not looking at your eyebrows. ~ John Green

There are many other little refinements too, Mr. Bohlen. You'll see them all when you study the plans carefully. For example, there's a trick that nearly every writer uses, of inserting at least one long, obscure word into each story. This makes the reader think that the man is very wise and clever. So I have the machine do the same thing. There'll be a whole stack of long words stored away just for this purpose."
Where?"
In the 'word-memory' section," he said, epexegetically. ~ Roald Dahl

There was no way to have a civilized conversation with that guy. It's like he was raised by giraffes or something. ~ H.M. Ward

Tatiana is a ridiculously curvy thing of dreams, with smooth succulent thighs, long strawberry blond cascading beneath a teal bandana, and a nympho sparkle in her eyes that says pick me, lick me, spank me, or I punish you. Raw innocence and mayhem at once. ~ Brett Tate

Yet there are some people - Steve Allen would dissect comedy forever; he's a really funny guy, but he would love talking about comedy. I'm doing it right now and you all seem bored. ~ Bob Saget

Ms. Fang is the nicest, sweetest teacher at Scary School. She only ate twelve kids last year. ~ Derek The Ghost

The great thing is that the funny side of getting old is fuel for my comedy. ~ Steve Coogan

I had just finished working on a play, and we started to talk to the 'Happy Endings' folks. There was interest from both sides, which was exciting, because I thought it was very fresh. Adam Pally's just a really funny, talented dude. I thought I'd be great to jump on and do some comedy. ~ James Wolk

Love? Love is for children and poor people... ~ Molly Harper

Says O'Sullivan to me, "Mr. Fay, I'll have a word wid yeh?" "Certainly," says I; "what can I do for you?" "Sell me your sea- boots, Mr. Fay," says O'Sullivan, polite as can be. "But what will you be wantin' of them?" says I. "'Twill be a great favour," says O'Sullivan. "But it's my only pair," says I; "and you have a pair of your own," says I. "Mr. Fay, I'll be needin' me own in bad weather," says O'Sullivan. "Besides," says I, "you have no money." "I'll pay for them when we pay off in Seattle," says O'Sullivan. "I'll not do it," says I; "besides, you're not tellin' me what you'll be doin' with them." "But I will tell yeh," says O'Sullivan; "I'm wantin' to throw 'em over the side." And with that I turns to walk away, but O'Sullivan says, very polite and seducin'-like, still a-stroppin' the razor, "Mr. Fay," says he, "will you kindly step this way an' have your throat cut?" And with that I knew my life was in danger, and I have come to make report to you, sir, that the man is a violent lunatic. ~ Jack London

Only criminals and madmen walk into Central Park after midnight...or, occasionally, an actor. (Dark City Lights) ~ Jane Dentinger

SHUT UP," Carot Top say, the cocane now taking effect. "This isnt Poetry 101. People want to laugh. Your suposed to be a 'King' of Prop Comedy. But youve been acting more like a jester of prop comedy. ~ Seinfeld 2000

Invalidating a woman's life choices by saying things like, "Oh, but you'll regret it if you don't have kids," or, "I didn't think I wanted kids either until I had one," is like me going to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting and telling the newly sober that eventually when they grow old, they'll want to take the edge off with a little gin and tonic and that if they could only just be mature enough to control themselves, they could go on a fun wine-tasting tour in the Napa Valley. ~ Jen Kirkman

Secret 3963. It's only a sucking chest wound if you're not the shooter. ~ The Covert Comic

The dimple in his left cheek was ironic-it gave the impression that he was sweet as a cupcake. (Dark City Lights) ~ Elaine Kagan

What's SQ?" asked Evan.
"Sexual Quotient."
"What's that?"
"Basically, it's your odds of getting laid. Everyone has an SQ. just like everyone has an IQ."
"I've never heard that term before."
"That's because I made it up."
"That figures. Finally applying your actuarial skills to what really matters, eh? ~ Zack Love

The funny thing is, Dennis Miller got me back into comedy. ~ Tommy Chong

The real mystery isn't what's under the redaction mark, but what's above it. ~ The Covert Comic

We needed a refrigerator for our new place and I've never bought a refrigerator my whole life. I went into the appliance store, there's like 900 of 'em lined up, there's a salesman there. What's this guy supposed to say about refrigerators? Well you got this refrigerator here, This keeps all your food cold for 600 ... You've got this refrigerator, This keeps all your food cold for 800 ... Check this out, 1400, keeps all your food cold. ~ Brian Regan

I never thought that someday men will also use an iPAD. ~ Santosh Kalwar

It's early on a beautiful winter morning. The house is quiet. The sun is shining. I'm thankful. I'm happy. My cup runneth over. Now there's coffee everywhere. ~ Mindy Levy

Have you ever noticed how good things go to those who hate? ~ Sol Luckman

There's something about comedy, funny things, that people want to pass them along. Serious things and personal things are much more privately enjoyed. That's why there are not a lot of sad viral videos. ~ Jonathan Coulton

That was 1993 grunge in suburbia. This was 2003 hell in Harlem. (Dark City Lights) ~ Eve Kagan

I will do comedy until the day I die: inappropriate comedy, funny comedy, gender-bending, twisting comedy, whatever comedy is out there. ~ Sandra Bullock

My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate. ~ Chelsea Handler

I'd rather have less time than I think, than less think than I have time. ~ The Covert Comic

I want to rip the rest of those buttons open and climb him like a monkey in a banana tree. Oh God, what I would do with his banana... ~ Heather M. Orgeron

You always miss 100% of the shots you don't order ~ Josh Stern

It's true - there are only, like, two songs about rainbows, including that one. He should be asking why there are so few songs about rainbows. ~ Cheryl Cory

To most Christians, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click 'I agree'. ~ Bill Maher

It's both funny and sad which seem to me to be the two basic ingredients of good comedy. ~ Tony Hancock

There's always someone we'd love to kill, the trick is to make it not look like an accident ~ Josh Stern

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

Be twice as funny as you are outrageous, because no one can resist the truth wrapped in a good joke. ~ Milo Yiannopoulos

Boy, those French! They have a different word for everything. ~ Steve Martin

You know that's why mermaids swim around topless all the time, right? It's because their boobs are too big and all bras are C shells. ~ H.M. Ward

My background is all comedy. I've been doing improv since I was 17. It's funny, because when I meet people, I'm known as this guy who will punch you in the face or throw you out a window, when I also have a background in comedy. ~ Derek Mears

Every child needs a father. Even if he turns out to be Darth Vader. ~ Jackson Radcliffe

Ever notice that phrenologists have funny-shaped heads? ~ The Covert Comic

Good man and bad man with money goes a long ways." ~ Amunhotep El Bey ~ Amunhotep El Bey

Kaz reached into his coat pocket. "Here," he said and handed Jesper a slender book with an elaborate cover.
"Are we going to read to each other?"
"Just flip it open to the back."
Jesper opened the book and peered at the last page, puzzled. "So?"
"Hold it up so we don't have to look at your ugly face."
"My face has character. Besides - oh!"
"An excellent read, isn't it?"
"Who knew I had a taste for literature? ~ Leigh Bardugo

If you put any effort into anything you do and have a strong sense of self to the point where you don't even question your choices before you walk out of the house - you're a fucking weirdo. ~ Jen Kirkman

For someone who wrote a novel with a superhero named "Dark Lightning," you wouldn't think a thunderstorm would make me so nervous. ~ J.M. Richards

The notion originated with Daisy's suggestion that we hire five bath-rooms and take cold baths, and then assumed more tangible form as "a place to have a mint julep." Each of us said over and over that it was a "crazy idea." - we all talked at once to a baffled clerk and thought, or pretended to think, that we were being very funny ... ~ F Scott Fitzgerald

I like my money, and if you mess with it, I fuck with you."
I raised my eyebrow. "You want to fuck with Alec?"
"What? No, that's not what I meant."
"But you said you-"
"I know what I said you smartass, ~ L.A. Casey

Did I just get psychically pimp-slapped by a little old lady? ~ Molly Harper

There isn't so much to be afraid of, out there. I can remember thinking it was funny to find that out, on the last night of my life; I'd spent the rest of it being afraid of everything. ~ Nick Hornby

It's lap 26 of 58, which unless I'm very much mistaken is half way. ~ Murray Walker

A fellow who has a funny bone can learn to hone his skills, but I don't think you can develop a funny bone - you either have it or you don't. And by the way - when you get it, we don't know it. ~ Carl Reiner

My comedy is for children from three to 93. You do need a slightly childish sense of humour and if you haven't got that, it's very sad. ~ Norman Wisdom

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor; they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, ' On your mark ... ' ~ Rodney Dangerfield

They told me that nothing was a sin, just a poor life choice. Poor impulse control. That nothing is evil. Any concept of right versus wrong, according to them, is merely a cultural construct relative to one specific time and place. They said that if anything should force us to modify our personal behavior it should be our allegiance to a social contract, not some vague, externally imposed threat of flaming punishment. ~ Chuck Palahniuk

Status is a funny thing. Money gets you stuff, at least. Status doesn't get you much except the knowledge that you have it. And while money may not make you happy, it is easy to imagine someone who decides they have enough. With status, you can never have enough. It is comparative and competitive, by its very nature. It doesn't just not make you happy: it actively makes you unhappy. You want to make it to the top? There is no top. However high you climb, there is always somebody above you. ~ William Deresiewicz

Fall colors are funny. They're so bright and intense and beautiful. It's like nature is trying to fill you up with color, to saturate you so you can stockpile it before winter turns everything muted and dreary. ~ Siobhan Vivian

The general systems of money management today require people to pretend to do something they can't do and like something they don't. It's a funny business because on a net basis, the whole investment management business together gives no value added to all buyers combined. That's the way it has to work. Mutual funds charge two percent per year and then brokers switch people between funds, costing another three to four percentage points. The poor guy in the general public is getting a terrible product from the professionals. ~ John C. Bogle

I love creating characters that are ridiculous and flawed. To me, the most important thing about comedy is the joy it can bring to the performers and the audience alike. I love making people laugh and not over-thinking things. Some of my favorite moments are when I am doing an improv scene with friends, and I can't stop laughing during it. ~ Lauren Lapkus

I'm about being funny. If I can make a joke using profanity, I will. But for the most part, that can get awfully old and boring. ~ Howard Stern

I think Andy Kaufman is to comedy what the Velvet Underground was to music - it's like, 80 thousand records sold, but everybody who bought one started a band. ~ Courtney Love

I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman. ~ Bruce Baum

Pie throwing is kind of a lost art, and although it may be a rather rudimentary, burlesque humor, there's something inherently funny about taking a pie in the face, under the right conditions. ~ Johnny Carson

she was enveloped by a wave of calm. Funny how just seeing the giant logo of an apple with a bite out of it did that to her. ~ Michelle Gagnon

Thanks for coming, Zach told him. He slapped Jonas on the back. And I felt like I'd fallen into an alternate universe. One where Zach had ... friends. ~ Ally Carter

We're born to die, but don't know why or what it's all about
And, the more we try to learn, the less we know.
Life's a very funny proposition, you can bet,
And no one's ever solved the problem properly, as yet;
Young for a day, then old and gray,
Like the rose that buds and blooms, and fades and falls away.
Losing health, to gain our wealth, as through this dream we tour;
Ev'rything's a guess and nothing's absolutely sure.
Battles exciting, and fates we're fighting, until the curtain fall;
Life's a very funny proposition, after all. ~ George M. Cohan

It's funny how we hate to face realities. I knew a commuter once who rode in town every day on the 8.13. But he used to call it the 7.73. He said it made him feel more virtuous. ~ Christopher Morley