Chelsea Handler Quotes

While looking at a website for liposuction, I learned that it was a six-to eight-week recovery period, the clincher being that, during that time, I would under no circumstances be able to use street drugs. Obviously I had to think of a more realistic approach.

This women/ killer was a testament to my theory that the crazier you are, the more calories you burn. That's why psychos are always so skinny.

It's hard on an all-gay softball team because no one knows if they want to be a pitcher or a catcher.

Then a homeless man with a dog approached us and put his hand out. This happens to be something that I have a real problem with: homeless people with pets who approach you for food when they have a perfectly delicious dog standing right there?

I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.

Everyone knows if you're going to take weed to school, you put it in your trapper keeper to keep it fresh.

Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.

Once you've achieved success, and you're making decisions that are working, I don't understand why anyone would be second-guessing themselves.

Hispanics still have the highest rate amongst teens with babies so at least the future housekeeping is secure.

It's hard to tell these days what gender people are. You don't know if they're gay, if they're straight, or Bruce Jenner.

Hulk Hogan's wife has filed for divorce. This is the most devastating breakup since Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee. And then Pam Anderson and Kid Rock. And soon, Pam Anderson and Rick Salomon.

A Catholic priest who's been sending threatening notes to Conan O'Brien was charged with stalking in the fourth degree. It just goes to show you that people can become obsessed with redheads.

It's a dream come true to have someone else portray me. Because I've been living this life for a long time, and I'm over myself.

If you wait too long in Vegas, you end up with a chicken finger in your underwear.

You can't fast-forward heartbreak, and you can't rewind love - and that's just one big bummer.

I have a huge impact with young girls. Young women. That's my demographic.

I was lying here watching Dr. Phil, who, by the way, has some anger management issues. Doesn't his wife Robin look like she's been hypnotized? I feel like he goes home and beats her. The guy's an egomaniac and he's not doing a very [sic] job of covering it up by pretending to be interested in other people's problems.

I want to start saying bad words all the time!

Christina Aguilera finally announced her pregnancy. Thanks for waiting until your third trimester to get the word out - why not just wait until you're crowning?

It takes me a while to get my appetite going when I wake up early.

Instead of having a baby, why dont you get a tattoo of a baby first, and see how that works out for six months to a year, and then see if you're ready to have a baby.

Yes, of course I want to get married, but does that mean I'm not allowed to go out and have a good time? Am I supposed to just marry any schmuck that comes along? And by the way, here's a newsflash, Hammertoes. Nobody wants to marry me, anyway.

And by the way, the fact that she's not speaking to anyone in her family is a pretty good indicator that she is the problem.

For months there have been rumors that J.Lo is finally pregnant with Marc Anthony's baby. She was afraid it might never happen. I'm afraid it's going to look like Marc Anthony ...

Jews are underdogs - not in my world, obviously, they're not.

I had to feign interest in all this nonsense until I could ask when I could come over and sit on his face. I didn't say that out loud, of course. I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I'd have no friends.

There's only so much you can say about celebrity, obviously.

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

Next to fat babies, midgets are my favorite things to hold. I love them so much, and I want to help them to do adult things like drive cars, Jet-Ski, and lip-synch. I'm in awe of their little limbs, their large craniums, and their medicine-ball asses. I love the little baby steps they take while shifting their weight from side to side, and the fact that when you knock one over accidentally, he flails like a turtle on its back that can't get up right away.

I would rather sit next to a transgender person and discuss why every single one I've met smells like a bar in the daytime than listen to people tell my why I want to have children and that I just don't know it yet. I do know, because I'm me and my feelings are the ones in my head. I don't want to have kids, and it's not a device to get attention or have conversations about it. I simply find children incredibly immature and, more often than not, dumb.

My theory about Taylor Swift is that she's a virgin, that everyone breaks up with her because they date her for two weeks and she's like, 'I'm not gonna do it'.

I was in a tailspin of confusion I hadn't experienced since the first time I heard George W. Bush speak.

According to Life & Style Weekly, 50 Cent may be working on Lindsay Lohan's next album. Finally, a match made in rap heaven. He's a convicted drug dealer who's been shot nine times, and she spent 84 minutes in prison. This is a big step for Lindsay. The last time Lindsay got near a black guy she ran over his foot.

People are following me because they want to see pictures of me. So why is Instagram editing them?

I have a question. Is it okay to drink while you're pregnant ... if you're planning on giving the baby up for adoption?

My whole life is reading tabloid magazines. It's really sad, because that's what my show is all about - what is going on with celebrities. So I have to know everything.

Every time I enter a country and have to write down my occupation at customs, I'm like, 'I don't know ... Author? Host? Writer? Stand-up?' I usually write 'author' - that's the safest bet.

There's a difference between racism and people making a joke about something. There is true racism going on, and people should be able to identify what that is, comparatively.

I've found that many of the people who have a passion for karaoke too often have misplaced confidence, which can become aggressive and border on sadistic. I know my limits, and karaoke is where I draw the line. I wouldn't put anyone through the hell of listening to me sing a song, and I sure as shit wouldn't wait in line to do it.

According to the New York Post, Lance Armstrong and Ashley Olsen are dating. They must be getting serious - Lance gave Ashley his yellow Live Strong bracelet. She wears it as a belt.

I think they should make Twilight closets and all the cast members can walk out of them.

You don't give something away because it's fat. You take it and you look at it.

At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and then some Matthew McConaughey type either whips around the corner just in the nick of time to save her or is clumsily pulled down along with her. That event predictably leads to the magical moment of their first kiss. Please. I fall ALL the time. You know who comes and gets me? The bouncer.

There's nothing worse than ruining a perfectly good moment by thinking someone else will find humor in something they absolutely do not.

I'm not graceful either. I have no rhythm, I'm never on top.

I have no idea why gay men love me, but I would have to assume it's because they know how much I love the gays! Everyone needs a good gay man in their life.

I probably do the most for the gay and lesbian community, or LGBT, but I don't have one that I focus on. I just try and kind of do a lot for different charities.

There's a lot of pretty funny women out there.

I didn't really spend much time with anyone my own age during high school because I believed my true calling would be representing New Jersey in the U.S. Senate, and if that didn't work out, I could always fall back on becoming an Olympic pole vaulter.

It's just hard to go from seeing elephants living their lives in the wild and not being bothered by humans, to seeing them put in a bunker every night and then being forced to take assholes like us on rides.

Paula Abdul's really impatient to start a family. She says if she has to wait much longer she's going to go crazy-er.

I once waited on a group of 10 people, and one guy collected the money from the check and tipped me $20 on $600. I told him in front of everyone, 'Jews like you give Jews like me a bad name.' That was my last waitressing job.

It's a pleasure to play my sister because everything I've accused her of my whole life, I can now re-enact before her eyes.

You look at, like, a 'People' magazine, which used to be a really good, you know, nice magazine you could go to for real stories. It wasn't like a 'Star' or an 'US Weekly' and they have somebody with plastic surgery on the cover, Heidi Montag. And it's obviously what consumers want, because why else would they be doing it?

We would parachute in like typical asshole Americans and be completely clueless about what kind of trip we were actually on, asking questions like, "When do we start shooting the animals? Where is the freshest sushi? When do we meet Aretha Franklin, and where are the squash courts?" I'd also insist on hunting live lobster and killing it with my handgun.

It always freaks me out when I go to a sushi place and there's a Mexican.

The L. A. Times is reporting that Britney Spears' album Blackout will be number one on the Billboard charts. Not to toot my horn, but I predicted this on my show a week ago. No one wanted to believe me - even I didn't want to believe me, but now I know how Nostradamus feels.

Great guys exist. They may not be in the package you think you like, and they may not come when you feel you deserve them the most, but they're there. I believe it. You should too. Because now I'm with someone who makes me grow every day. His name is Netflix.

It was Valentine's Day and I had spent the day in bed with my life partner, Ketel One. The two of us watched a romance movie marathon on TBS Superstation that made me wonder how people who write romantic comedies can sleep at night.

At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and then some Matthew McConaughey type either whips around the corner just in the nick of time to save her or is clumsily pulled down along with her. That event predictably leads to the magical moment of their first kiss. Please. I fall all-the-time. You know who comes and gets me? The bouncer.

Then, within the two hour time frame of the movie, the couple meet, fall in love, fall out of love, break up, and then just before the end of the movie, they happen to bump into each other by "coincidence" somewhere absolutely absurd, like by the river. This never happens in real life. The last time I bumped into an ex-boyfriend was at three o'clock in the morning at Rite Aid. I was ringing up Gas-X and corn removers.

There's nothing more annoying than a man ordering wine at a bar when you're not eating.

But then, like George Michael in a men's bathroom, I got cocky.

I like being able to, you know, pack up and leave the country and hop on a plane and go wherever I want and stay wherever and bring my friends with me and bring my family on vacation. That's amazing.

We checked our bags and got on line with some of our fellow passengers. Judging from the looks of them, it was clear that they were members of a different income bracket from the people I preferred to surround myself with. But since I also wasn't from the income bracket I preferred, I held off on voicing my initial feelings of despair.

I'd like to go out for a cocktail ... or seven.

I always thought to myself, 'I don't want to be doing stand-up when I'm 40 years old.'

Mexico's a great place to overcome a drug addiction.

A federal grand jury is investigating allegations that David Copperfield raped, assaulted and threatened a woman he took to his private island in the Bahamas in July. What happened to the good old days when a guy would just saw you in half?

Hilarious, insightful, and smart. A must-read for anyone who wears clothes.

Now picture the suspenders attached to a pair of sweatpants. This vision is what first led me to coin the term camel balls.

I wish it was that easy to get turned on for me - at this point, I need a bottle of Belevere and a fighterjet.

Who would marry me anyway? I'm a handful.

I find it very annoying when people want to sit next to each other at a booth.

I met my first midget in Mexico, and he was a waiter with a sombrero on his head, filled with chips and salsa. Like I was gonna let that guy get away - I don't think so.

When I don't know what to do, I just open my mouth. Why won't anyone date me?

A homeless man with a dog approached us and put his hand out. This happens to be something I have a real problem with: homeless people with pets who approach you for food. How can they have the nerve to beg for food when they have a perfectly delicious dog standing right there? I didn't care if this guy understood English or not. Tell me when you're out of dog, buddy. Then we can talk about splitting a falafel.

When you interview celebrities, they're so guarded so many times, they can't reveal anything.

I was broke from 19 to 26, borrowing money from my parents or my brothers or sisters every week to pay the bills.

Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.

Travel Etiquette: When dealing with foreigners, pretend you are Canadian.

Without ruining the ending, the gist is that he's a gay reindeer who can't afford a nose job, but he becomes a superstar in the end. It's all very inspirational. It turns out that, just like Rudolph, what I initially considered to be such a negative is, in fact, the very thing that has made me stand out. Not to sound preachy, but accepting my voice has given me the confidence I've needed to pursue my dreams. And just like Seal rocks his facial scars, Cindy Crawford works her mole, and Barbra Streisand wins every race by a nose, I hope you're inspired to make the most of your possibly less-than-perfect trademark, too.

You got married recently to a rapper. It doesn't take them long to impregnate women.

The only thing worse than dating a single mom is dating a single mom that won't put out.

If you get into a customer service fight with a hooker, even if you're in the right, you're in the wrong.

I started my own business because my parents had no dowry for me, and I was worried. I ran it from their Martha Vineyard's summer house. I baby-sat for a 14-year-old boy all summer and was giving him time-outs, even though I was two years younger than him.

You don't mess with janitors, first of all, they have like 40 keys, and 1 is to a closet you don't want to be inside of.

I can't be skinny all the time. I like to drink and I like to eat. I like burgers and bagels.

I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

I want to educate people and deliver news that isn't just surrounded by Charlie Sheen. I'd like to be able to do the serious stuff in conjunction with the comedy.

Some people have a phobia of midgets. They're, like, scared of them. I have the opposite - I see them, and I want to hold them down, cuddle them, be like, 'Come here, you little nugget. Who's your mommy now?' So cute!

I like to celebrate my life. I have a life that I'm really lucky to have, and so I want to make sure every minute counts and that I go on great vacations and I share my memories with people that I love and that will make me laugh and lalalalalala.

Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.

If you are a drinker, always use a pseudonym when booking hotels. None of us really know what kind of mess we're going to leave behind, and there's no sense in getting banned from a resort you respect.

I looked around the room trying to think of a situation that could be any worse than this, and decided that the only thing that could be worse than prison was the navy.

He was all emotion all the time, constantly talking about his feelings and his profound love for her. He was minutes from getting his first period. He wrote poems too. It's my personal belief that if men are writing poems, they're making up for something else like a big hair back, or one ball. Not that one ball is a bad thing. Especially since I don't know any females who are dying to their their hands on a set of balls. The way I see it, the less balls, the better.

Some of the best sex I can barely remember.

Britney Spears' album Blackout is one of the hottest-selling CDs in the country. We're in a bad place, people: The world is melting, we're at war, and Two and a Half Men is a huge hit.

I think bullying of anybody, whether they're gay or straight or anything in high school is unbearable.

You do not OWN a dog. You HAVE a dog. And the dog HAS YOU

I had a therapist once tell me to "sit with my shit," and I believe that to be a necessary evil of being constantly disappointed.

I would never sell my dog for a man. I'd sell the man.