Josh Stern Quotes

People who live in brick houses shouldn't throw wrecking balls

Who enjoys life more? Well to start with, definitely the Living

Target your random acts of kindness, to keep a tally of who owes what

An alibi is one alliterative consonant short of being a magic carpet

I married Miss Right, but didn't know at the time she had shortened her name from Righteouspainintheass

I always splash on the cologne before a blind date because dogs can smell fear

If life is a bowl of cherries ... do you know how many virgins it took to make that ...

I spread eggshells all over my room, so anyone who tries to get close when I sleep will know what they're walking on

I used to be into 'forbidden fruit', but I've moved on to'verboten vegetables

I love shark week, all kids swim for free

There is truth in wine, but you never see it listed in the ingredients on the label

Treat me like a king and I'll treat you like a queen ... Treat me like a queen and off with your head

Most of us need something not to walk away from

Meat IS murder – but eating vegetables IS slow torture

Y'know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations, like sitting on frozen peas after a vasectomy

If the love is not madness, then the sex is not insane

To acknowledge the absurdly surreal is the clarity to embrace life as it is, not as we desire it- what you do with this information, hell if I know

Women, can't live with them, can't murder/suicide without them

Don't you wish we all lived in black light ... for one thing, it would mean an end to toothpaste as we know it

Women are aroused by the strangest things, like a rock going through their bedroom window

I wish I had flaps of extra skin connecting my arms & legs like a Flying Squirrel & then spend my days at the park jumping from tree to tree

I've always been a poor sport and a sore loser ... any other behavior might encourage a repeat performance

If you're not part of the problem, you're not ambitious enough

Don't be so hard on yourself ... that's what a loofah's for

It's always darkest before you're blinded by the light

My Anorexic Ex was so skinny she didn't give head, she gave skull

Everything is a drive-thru. You just have to aim really fast

If the second date seems to be going well, it's pretty much a given that by dessert I'll renounce my faith

If my body is a Temple, then The Greeks and Romans ransacked it years ago

As for Chicks with Daddy Issues: Do I really want to be with a Woman who wants to be my Father?

things you bone, end up boning you

I wanted to marry the first girl that I fell in love with, but there were religious differences.
I was an agnostic and she was a Polycarbonate

Don't ever mistake silence for ignorance, when it is obviously stupidity

If you deny the existence of a higher being, you've never been to rehab

I might feel ten feet tall, but I wouldn't touch you with my pole

Manners without sincerity, is called polite society

If bliss are a type of potato, then ignorance can be french-fried

Some people drip wax on themselves like a human chianti bottle to see if they feel anything ... .but getting a wicker basket to fit them is a fiasco

You'll never know what psychopathic heights you're capable of, just lying there on the sofa

If a picture paints a thousand words, then a naked picture paints a thousand words without any vowels ...

The practice of doing more than necessary works best when packing lunch boxes

I always fall butter side down

In order to butterfly kiss, does it require caterpillar lips?

When you're out in the wilderness and get back to base camp only to discover sleeping bag turndown service ... .that's no chocolate on the pillow

It's not that I'm ahead of my time, it's more that the world is running late

There's always someone we'd love to kill, the trick is to make it not look like an accident

Dr. Suess said: 'Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened..'
I tell my dates: 'Don't cry because it happened, smile because it's over

it can't be wrong, if it feels so wrong

Death is life's way of telling you, you've been recalled

Patience is learning to take a deep breath while you're exhaling

You're only given as much as you can handle, before going back for seconds

Loving someone is sticking a pin through a voodoo doll and not hitting any vital organs

Falling in love means your reserve chute didn't work as you hurtled back to earth

Life is a very brief candle especially when you burn it at both ends

Revenge is a dish best served by a tennis racket

If you can't beat them, conjoin them

If we are expected to show a gentle compassion for humanity, shouldn't we all have a wash care label sewn into each & everyone of us?

Love is the canvas covering the furniture that you've become a part of

When Unicorns headbutt, there are no winners

Behind every great man is a great woman' but in front of every great man should be a spectacular woman

I like gross generalizations ... I also like disgusting specifics!

Blood is thicker than water, and so is diarrhea

I'd die for your sins, but I'd probably enjoy them first

You always miss 100% of the shots you don't order

When she says 'I've never done this before she just means with you

Ever play 'mirror mirror on the wall' with two mirrors facing each other?

positivity is the father of reinvention

Never wear a top hat and tails and bring a saw to a funeral

If you live life on your own terms, people will definitely not understand you

Only the good die young'- especially when they're milk fed

The gene pool could use a deep end

Don't you wish some people came with a silencer?

Dating should really be more like furniture store commercials ... I would love to' pay no interest for 6 months

Maturity is when you no longer get the urge to make snow angels in mud season

Never send a Man in to do a Donkey's job

The only way I'd ever die of a broken heart, is if I slammed into something really hard

Some people are so positive, that when they slip in dog poop, they pirouette

If you take things the wrong way, be aware of which end is up

Everyone comes with baggage, make sure you get one that comes with a rack

The only threesome I've ever experienced is with Pantene 2 in 1

Trying to balance chivalry with equality, I always open a door for a Lady ... then stick my foot out

Trashy Women should probably exclusively date Garbage Men

There's a fine line between stuff, and if you stare at it long enough it'll drive you insane or to genius

My greatest fault is trying to stuff the baggage of an impossible situation into the trunk of an elegant solution

If she can do the splits, the 5 second rule does not apply

I hate pulling out ... I mean, I'm really bad at the whole parking thing ...

When it comes to exacting revenge, it gets harder and harder to top yourself each successive time

It's one thing if your hobby is to put ships inside a bottle, but a deer in the headlights! ... That's a real talent

If America runs on Dunkin', do I detect a slight limp?

I freely admit to enjoying the attentions Women lavish on me- Although it's usually when they're taking my order

I love Shark Week, where all kids under 12 swim for free

I'd rather be a nodding acquaintance, than a bobble head

If it's the thought that counts, then ignorance must use a calculator

Never be paralyzed by fear, just by falling off a cliff

The line forms on the right, but I prefer the chaos on the left

If you don't fall down now and again, it just means the training wheels are working

I like my coffee like I like myself ... making rustling noises inside a burlap bag

'Having' Your Cake ... a little perverted ...
'Eating' it too ... a lot perverted!

While Sex without love is shallow, it's so profoundly uncomplicated

I try not to take things lying down, especially rectal thermometers