Brian Regan Quotes

I saw this sign posted once, it said, "Blasting Zone Ahead." Wow. Shouldn't that read: "Road Closed?" What do you mean there's a blasting zone? What am I supposed to do? "Hey-uh, you might wanna buckle up. Blasting zone coming up. Yeah. Just saw the sign. Put the helmets on back there! Yeah I think we're- (Pow!)- Oh! We're getting close! (Pow!)- Oh! This is gonna be a bad blasting zone! Remember that last one-we lost Billy?" ~ Brian Regan

Can you imagine being bilingual? Or even knowing anybody that was? I'm not even unilingual. Actually, I shouldn't say that. I don't give myself enough credit. I know enough English to, you know, get by. I can order in restaurants and stuff. ~ Brian Regan

A formula for comedy is comedy equals tragedy plus time. A difficult or uncomfortable situation takes place, and then you laugh about it later down the road. ~ Brian Regan

MOOSEN!!!!!!! There many MOOSEN in the WOODSEN! MANY MUCH MOOSEN! The Meisin wanted and the MOOSEN and ... ~ Brian Regan

I thought yoga was easy - I went out and I bought a yoga video tape. I bought the beginners' yoga tape. I couldn't do anything on the whole hour - nothing - just fast forwarding: can't do that, can't do that - I know I can't do that. This woman in a soothing voice: 'Simply take the bottom of your right foot and place it on the small of your back. ~ Brian Regan

You got to figure out how to eat your snack while your elbows are touching. You got to learn how to twist your little plastic utensil. ~ Brian Regan

Don't like when sports interviewers force answers: Are you dedicating this game to your sick grandmother? What's the guy supposed to say? ~ Brian Regan

Racquetball is the only sport where simultaneously you can be looking at the ball and it'll hit you in the back of the head at 90 miles per hour. ~ Brian Regan

I'm honored that other comedians like what I do. That means the world to me. But at the same time when I'm on stage I'm not just trying to make the comedians laugh - I'm also trying to make the audience laugh. I want to make everybody laugh. ~ Brian Regan

Some people look at creamed corn and ask, 'Why?' I look at creamed corn and ask, 'Why not?' ~ Brian Regan

If reading makes you smart then how come when you read a book they have to put the title of the book on the top of every single page? Does anyone get halfway through a book, What the hell am I reading? ~ Brian Regan

It's hard to program a computer to make jokes. The brain needs to do something here; the brain needs to come up with something bizarre to make something funny. ~ Brian Regan

I didn't know what to do for my project so I brought in a paper cup filled with dirt just hoping that she'd know I'm an idiot and just walk right on past me just as long as I was holding something.

"What do you have there, Brian?"

"It's a cup of dirt. Just put an 'F' on it there and let me go home."

"Well, explain it."

"Well, it's a cup with dirt in it. I call it 'Cup of Dirt.' You should move on now. Just go ahead and move on. Head on down the line there. ~ Brian Regan

I think comedy is a good way to deal with anything. I hear about people in the hospital who are ill, and they use humor to help them through it. I think it's a great remedy for many things. ~ Brian Regan

I went to the juice isle, I learned something. Cranberries are taking over everything. What do you got, apples? Put some cranberrise in there, make it 50/50. Cran-apple. Grapes? Cran-grape. Mangos? Cran-mango. Pork chops? Cran-chop! ~ Brian Regan

I don't take jokes from other people. It's really not cool to steal jokes from anybody. It's not cool to steal anything from anybody. Jokes are no different. ~ Brian Regan

If you tell a kid not to run to a water slide, he/she will walk for 2 steps, then start running again. ~ Brian Regan

I have a friend who swears by food combinations - have you heard of this nonsense? She's nuts. She's like, 'You know what? You should eat food combinations, and that way you can eat whatever you want. It's just the combinations of how you put the food together.' And then her examples are like, 'You wouldn't want to eat steak and potatoes together, but you could have, like, a lemon rind and raisin skins - not the whole raisin, take the skins and steam them. ~ Brian Regan

It means a lot to me to have my kids like what I do. And that's why I limit them. But I don't want to put that pressure on them to be a fan of mine. ~ Brian Regan

You know what's fun? You pick somebody at random, like out of the phone book, and send them about 100 'Just Because' cards. They can't even ask you why you did it. ~ Brian Regan

A lot of the kind of comedy that I do comes out of real human moments. For them to work, they have to be truthful kinds of things that people in the audience can go, "Yes, I've experienced that myself!" ~ Brian Regan

As long as I can make that audience one thing, one unit, then I'm okay with it. But, sometimes, the bigger the audience, the weirder it gets. ~ Brian Regan

You know when you say something but you want to change in the middle? Like one time I was a bout to say take care but changed in the middle to good luck so it sounded like TAKE LUCK.. If you have any luck take care of it. Take luck you now. SHUT UP! ~ Brian Regan

Politicians have a lot to deal with these days. It's a different world. You know who I feel bad for? Arab Americans who truly want to get into crop dusting. Could be their life long dream,
and every time they ask for a pamphlet, all hell breaks loose. ~ Brian Regan

That's why I admired that kid who spelled it wrong on purpose so he could sit down. He knew he wasn't going to win, so why stand there for 3 hours.
First round. "Cat, K-A-T, I'm outta here." Then as he passed you, "Ha! I know there's 2 T's. ~ Brian Regan

I go in for the eye test, and I don't know about you, but I concentrate like crazy during the eye exam. You don't want to get no 'D' on that thing and end up with these big thick Coke bottle glasses. ~ Brian Regan

A serving size on ice cream is like a half a cup. Is that like a joke some guy put on there? "Hey, come here: look what I put for the serving size. Did you see? I just did it as a joke but they're going out like that." You ever know anybody to eat a half a cup of ice cream? "Hey, you wanna go grab something to eat?" "Ah, no. I had a half a cup of ice cream. Ya, a whole half a cup. I just kept eating and eating and eating. I must've had two spoonfuls. ~ Brian Regan

They always say that Albert Einstein was a genius. Then how come when anyone ever calls you that, it's an insult? 'You don't know where you parked the car? Good job, Einstein.' I don't think we're honoring that man properly by using his name in vain in parking lots. ~ Brian Regan

So, what are you in for? MANSLAUGHTER!!! I SLAUGHTERED A MAN!! JUST LIKE A PIG!!! PUT HIM ON A SPIT AND PUT AN APPLE IN HIS MOUTH!!!! ~ Brian Regan

You ever say a phrase you say all the time at the wrong time, feel like a complete idiot? Something like, 'You, too. You, too.' I was getting out of the cab at the airport, and the driver goes, 'Hey, have a nice flight.' 'You, too. You, too. You have a nice flight, too - in case you ever fly some day. ~ Brian Regan

I try to be careful and put things in perspective. There are people who have challenging lives and work hard physically and mentally. I consider myself a lucky person because I get to go on stage and tell jokes for an hour. If I miss a connection here and there or my room isn't ready now and then? It's not a big deal. ~ Brian Regan

I'm always excited about my upcoming shows. I love what I do; I feel very lucky to be able to do what I do, and I never get tired of it. Every time I'm backstage before a show and I feel the murmur of the crowd, it's just incredibly exciting. And I consider myself very fortunate to be able to do this for a job. It's a great life. ~ Brian Regan

I don't always see humor in things. Especially when I smash my pinky toe into a coffee table leg in the middle of the night. But sometimes I'll see things, or experience things, that make me go, "Huh, maybe that's a bit." ~ Brian Regan

I don't know what in the hell's going on with cranberries, but they're getting in all the other juices. Whoever the salesman is for cranberries is doing a great job. He's showing up everywhere. Hey, what do you got, some apples? Put some cranberries in there. We'll call it cran-apple and go 50-50. What do you got grapes? How about cran-grape. What do you got mangos? Cran-mango. What do you got pork chops? Cran-chops. Why don't you back off, cran-man. Why don't you take your sales trophy and have a vacation. ~ Brian Regan

Do not stand directly in front of a cannon ... how true that is. ~ Brian Regan

Is there any I could get a glass of water?
[waiter]There is no way ... I toss and turn many a night trying to think up some way some how I could get glasses of water to costomers but I keep coming up empty ... Legend has it there was a waiter here many years ago ... who had figured out a way to do just that but he is long gone and with him the secret. It had something to do with a glass rack and a faucet but no one has been able to put the pieces together so I must say no there is no way. HOW I WISH THERE WAS A WAY!!! ~ Brian Regan

Brian, relax, man. You've gotta relax when you make the crank calls. ~ Brian Regan

Be adaptable, flexible and never stop learning. The rate of change will never stop and neither should you. ~ Brian Regan

I saw something in the store the other day that I don't understand: that peanut butter and jelly in the same jar. Is there a point to that? I mean, I'm lazy-but I wanna meet the guy who needs that. Some guy going, "You know, I could go for a sandwich-but, uh, I'm not gonna open two jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars. Cleaning, who knows how many knives!?" ~ Brian Regan

Hey, lay off the dairy. And uh, no more happiness. ~ Brian Regan

I always hate having to use the gym equipment after these huge buff guys who move, like, the entire rack of plates. Then I get on, and move two plates, you know like: Clank! Clank! I'm the two plate guy! Clank! Clank! Anyone wanna spot me? Clank! Clank! ~ Brian Regan

You can poke fun at some pretty difficult circumstances, and it's just a way to pop the bubble. I don't do that thing onstage usually, but offstage sometimes I might. ~ Brian Regan

Superhero power ... I probably would just want to fly. I definitely would not want to be able to see through walls. I think walls are there for a reason. People put them up for a reason. You don't want to be looking through them. That would only cause nothing but misery and angst to know what's happening behind people's walls. ~ Brian Regan

You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, I'm not gonna open two jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars. And who knows how many knives! ~ Brian Regan

I am happy doing standup so I don't ever want to stop doing it. But I wouldn't mind venturing off and doing other things that are creative. ~ Brian Regan

If Einstein was so smart how come people only call you 'Einstein' when you do something really stupid ? ~ Brian Regan

I took a speed reading course and my speed shot up to 43 pages a minute, but my comprehension plummeted. ~ Brian Regan

I wanted to do the comic strip. I tried to get it syndicated, and I sent some examples to a syndication company, and they sent me a rejection letter! I wasn't smart enough at the time to realize you shouldn't let rejection letters stop you. I thought that rejection letter meant I was not allowed to be a cartoonist in this world, so I put the rejection letter down and said, well, I'll be a stand-up comedian. ~ Brian Regan

I was watchin' the news the other day, and I heard them talking about a criminal named Brian Regan same spelling and everything. He's gonna be in jail for the rest of his life. So I'm sitting there doing a crossword puzzle and all of a sudden I hear, It is unknown whether the charges against Brian Regan will lead to his execution. Guess I can put this down. Honey, did we pay that parking ticket?! ~ Brian Regan

We needed a refrigerator for our new place and I've never bought a refrigerator my whole life. I went into the appliance store, there's like 900 of 'em lined up, there's a salesman there. What's this guy supposed to say about refrigerators? Well you got this refrigerator here, This keeps all your food cold for 600 ... You've got this refrigerator, This keeps all your food cold for 800 ... Check this out, 1400, keeps all your food cold. ~ Brian Regan

Would you like a nice cold fish head? They're frozen solid: frozen head of fish, the eyeballs in there and the skeleton's coming out. It comes with a turnip and a spork." "I was wishing you had one of them left; wishing upon a star. ~ Brian Regan

I eat like a kid. I like Chief Boyardee. Their Ravioli, but they have some stuff I've never seen in the real Italian food world. You ever been in a nice Italian restaurant? Hi how are you? Ummm id like to start with a nice bottle of Chanti and a couple of Caesar Salads and umm I'm going to have the Beef a'ronni. And some Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for the lady. ~ Brian Regan

Relevance is kind of a weird thing. If one does topical material, it makes sense to want to be relevant. But if someone talks about donut sprinkles, it's not quite as important. Unless the U.S. Supreme Court makes a decision outlawing donut sprinkles. ~ Brian Regan

I have to lay off dairy though. That's what my doctor threw in. As I was leaving his office, "Oh, and uh, leave off dairy." What kind of blanket sweep is that? "And no more happiness! Away with you! ~ Brian Regan

Every comedian works differently. Some comedians might do just observational stuff and they don't do anything personal, and other people.. everything they do is personal and they don't do any observational stuff at all. There's no right or wrong, it's just that everybody picks their own approach. ~ Brian Regan

I'm trying to do things I have never done. Like I recently went to 3 different ballets. And I loved trying to learn how to like those a little bit. ~ Brian Regan

Even though I have fond feelings for comedy clubs, I enjoy the focus you get in a theater. Comedy clubs are a different animal. People are being served nachos and there's a blender going off in the background. ~ Brian Regan

The government will pay certain farmers to not grow corn. Wow. Where's my check? That'd be great. "Hey, what do you do for a living?" "Well, I don't grow corn. Get up at the crack of noon, make sure there's no corn growing. I'm gonna get up early tomorrow. And not plow. You know, we used to not grow tomatoes-but there's more money in not growing corn." ~ Brian Regan

I'm actually kinda quiet off stage, a lotta people don't realize that, I was at a dinner party recently, a bunch of people that I don't know, one guy talking plenty for everybody, Me myself right and then I and then myself and mee me I couldn't tell this one about I cause I was talking about myself and Me- Meee- Mee- Me- Me! Beware the me monster. ~ Brian Regan

THE BIG YELLOW ONE IS THE SUN!!! ~ Brian Regan

I try my jokes onstage. The only way to really find out if something is going to work is to try it on stage, and I try to be careful and bookend something new with a strong bit before and a strong bit afterwards. But it's fun to run on virgin snow. I like that feeling onstage of creating new footprints and not knowing what's going to happen. ~ Brian Regan

The ultimate objective [of comedy] is to get a laugh, so if you can get a laugh off the fact that you did not get a laugh, then you've kinda saved the moment. Other professions don't have that luxury. You don't want to hear a brain surgeon say, "Man, am I so stupid! I cut on the wrong side of your head!!" ~ Brian Regan

Mmmm! Lunch and no clean up!! Can life get better? I submit that it CANNOT!! ~ Brian Regan

Do people who believe in reincarnation ever say, Darn, I'm still writing the year 1612 on my checks! ~ Brian Regan

I hate the phrase "One thing led to another". What kind of lazy writing is that? Isn't it your job as a writer to tell me how that made this happen? "Adolf Hitler was rejected as a young man in his application to an art school. One thing led to anotherand the United States ended up dropping two atomic bombs on the sovereign nation of Japan". ~ Brian Regan

I try to be careful not to put the cart before the horse. I try not to create comedy for other comedians to like. I want everybody to like it. I want audiences to like it, but I also want comedians to like it. I'm selfish. I want everybody to laugh! ~ Brian Regan

Like, I'm trying to make a statement that clean comedy is somehow better or loftier than dirty comedy, and I don't feel that way at all. I just think it's different. It's different. There's rock music, there's jazz music, there's reggae music: All of those forms are different. ~ Brian Regan

Sometimes you'll play, like, a large venue - maybe an outdoor venue or something - where it's so big that you can see all of the disinterested people. You see the audience, but then behind the audience you see people eating ice cream, going for a walk. ~ Brian Regan

It's good to be here. I'm just trying to go through life without looking stupid. It's not working out too well. ~ Brian Regan

I never learn. Like a waitress will bring my meal. "Hey, enjoy your meal."
"You, too. But you don't have one, do ya? I'm a dufus. If you do eat enjoy it when you eat it if you have a break or something, later. If you get an opportunity." That's all I'm trying to say. ~ Brian Regan

Many comedians consider themselves to be cutting edge. But why do we have to use the knife for the analogy. Let's use the spoon. I like to consider myself the big bowl-like area of the spoon that holds all the stuff you like. ~ Brian Regan

I drove myself to the Emergency Room. That's a nice relaxing drive. "Noooo, after you. Merge-everybody merge." ~ Brian Regan

I learned something in the juice isle, and that is, I don't know what's going on with cranberries, but they're getting in all the other juices. Whoever the salesman for cranberries does a great job. He's showing up everywhere. Hey what do you got? Apples? Well let's put some cranberries in them; we'll call it cran-apple - go fifty fifty. What do you got? Grapes? What about cran-grape? What do you got? Mangos? Cran-mango! What do you got? Pork chops? Cran-chops! ~ Brian Regan

The bigger the show, the weirder it is. ~ Brian Regan

Why are people getting on elevators shocked to find people getting off elevators? ~ Brian Regan

I did some writing for that movie. The remake of Planet of the Apes. I didn't write the script. But I wrote some lines that they ended up ... not using ... I wrote one line. I thought it would've been perfect. I don't know if anyone saw the movie. It's the scene where the ape general comes in. And they're trying to decide if they should attack right there, or wait until a little later. And I wrote: "Man these bananas are good!" But they didn't use it. I did all of that research. ~ Brian Regan

I like the honesty of standup comedy. People don't fake laugh. If they're truly laughing at you, you know they like you. ~ Brian Regan

How come they don't think you can handle a new story out of the blue on the TV news? They gotta make a little lame segue. "Hey, that's a big lotto jackpot! Speaking of lotto, there was a lot o' crime in the city today." ~ Brian Regan

Don't let dialog about your company happen without your perspective. ~ Brian Regan

Alright so Evil Conevil, yeah. They're always asking him about that time he messed up. And the strangest question I've ever heard them ask is
'So evil what were you thinking right before you hit the ground?' how much stupider can you get?
'well, Bob. I was thinking, Hey! Did I leave the iron on? and when my lag broke in half, Hey! I should get a puppy! No! What do you think I was thinking? I was thinking AAAAAAAAA!!!!! AAAAAA!!!! AAAAAA!!! ~ Brian Regan

So I called back, "Ya, I have ten boxes and ... no I'm another guy. Ya and they all weigh exactly 22 pounds, and they all have a girth of ... three." "Three what?" "Three ... girth units. ~ Brian Regan

I called them up, "Ya, I have ten boxes; can you come pick them up?" "We need to know the weight and the girth." "Okay, good-bye." So I called back. "We need the weight and the girth." "Okay, I don't know what the weight is, and um, I don't know what girth means ... So now what's the procedure?" So this guy talks to me like I'm four years old. "Well do you have a bathroom scale?" "Uh, ya but if I put the box on the scale it's gonna cover up the NUMBERS!" What, do I take it off really quick? Ah, zero: I'm not fast enough. What's he talking about? So then he gives me his Mister Wizard Formula, "How about if you stand on the scale and weigh yourself and get off the scale. Pick up the box, get back on, weigh you and the box together, and subtract your own weight." I'm going, "Slow down. Hold on professor." I know this guys never tried this, because I tried it and you still can't see the NUMBERS! Then I had to hang up in the middle of his girth formula. ~ Brian Regan

This is something I learned when I was working at a newspaper: when you put something on paper, whether it's words or pictures, and it's staring back at the reader, they are now alone in the room with them for as long as it takes them to turn the page. Whereas on television, the images fly by. ~ Brian Michael Bendis

The waterfall says yes ~ Hoolio Rodriguez

I get a lot of advice from Mark Harmon, and I take it all to heart because I respect the heck out of him. ~ Brian Dietzen

Whoever said you can't have a revolution without the French should be guillotined. ~ Brian K. Vaughan

I remember being a teenager and being ashamed of my musical tastes, at least some of them. My Brian Wilson and Beach Boys fandom, which is as important to me as anything else, was almost like a porn stash. Hide that shit, someone's coming! You couldn't look like me and be black in West Philadelphia and love the Beach Boys the way I did. ~ Ahmir Questlove Thompson

A man may fight the greatest enemy, take the longest journey, survive the most
grievous wound -- and still be helpless in the hands of the woman he loves. ~ Brian Herbert

The actor that taught me the most was Bernie Mac. I did my first big budget studio film with he and Angela Bassett, 'Mr. 3000' for Disney. Bernie taught me by example what creates success is humility and hard work. ~ Brian J. White

Everything counts! Everything you do helps or hurts, adds up or takes away. ~ Brian Tracy

It is a meager freedom that leaves no scars ~ Brian Staveley

He curled his fingers around the lip of the pot, and under the sick gelding they began a vicious little tug-of-war. He would have laughed, was on the point of it, when he looked at her face and saw that her eyes were wet.
He let go of the pot so abruptly, Keeley fell back on her butt. "What are you doing?" he demanded.
"I'm applying a non-irritating blister to a knee spavin.Now go away and let me get on with it.."
"There's no reason to start that up. None at all." Panic jingled straight to his head, nearly made him dizzy. "This is no place for crying."
"I'm upset.It's my stable.I can cry when and where I choose."
"All right,all right,all right." Desperately he dug into his pockets for a bandanna. "Here, just blow your nose or something."
"Just go to hell or something." Rather grandly, she turned her shoulder on him and continued to apply the blister.
"Keeley,I'm sorry." He wasn't sure for exactly what,but that wasn't here nor there. "Dry your eyes now, a ghra, and we'll make this lad comfortable for the night."
"Don't take that placating tone with me. I'm not a child or a sick horse."
Brian dragged his hands through his hair, gave it one good yank. "Which tone would you prefer?"
"An honest one." Satisfied the blister was properly applied,she rose. "But I'm afraid the derisive one you've used since we got here fits that category. In your opinion,I'm spoiled, stubborn and too proud to accept help."
Though the tears appeared ~ Nora Roberts

So that is why they are called 'Shining Ones'." "Yes." "So Jesus is both a Son of Man and a Son of God?" "The unique Son of God. The only one of his kind. What we saw was a living apotheosis, the declaration of his divinity. Yahweh in the flesh, the second Power in heaven." Mary knew what apotheosis was from her understanding of how Augustus was supposedly divinized after his death. He said, "Jesus is the fulfillment of the Law and the Prophets." "Is that why Moses and Elijah were with him?" "The giver of the Law, and the father of Prophets. But that is not all. Jesus told us to keep his secret. ~ Brian Godawa

My number one goal was not getting 'A's' - and I proved it. I was a 'C' student. You have to be ready to learn. If you're not interesting in learning, it doesn't work. As I grew older and wanted to learn and desperately wanted inside information, learning was a lot easier. ~ Brian Lamb

We shouldn't have left." Keeley paced the kitchen, stopping at the windows on each pass. Why weren't they back?
"Darling, you're shaking.Come on now, sit and drink your tea."
"I can't.What's wrong with men? They'd have beaten that idiot to a pulp.I'm not that surprised at Brian,I suppose, but I expected more restraint from Dad."
Genuinely surprised, Adelia glanced over. "Why?"
As worry ate through her she raked her hands through her hair. "He's contained. Now you,I could see you taking a few swings ... " SHe winced. "No offense," she said, then saw that her mother was grinning.
"None taken.My temper might be a bit, we'll say, more colorful than your father's. His tends to be cold and deliberate when it's called for.And it was.The man hurt and frightened his little girl."
"His little girl was about to attempt to gut the man with a hoof pick." Keeley blew out a breath. "I've never seen Dad hit anyone, or look like he wanted to keep right on with it. ~ Nora Roberts

I like the piano - I'm always about 15 feet away from a piano. ~ Brian Wilson

I cannot promise for another day," the lion said. 'And I cannot guarantee what other lions may do if they catch you alone in the forest. But tonight you are safe."
"Thank you," Cecilia said again. "May I touch you?"
"Touch me? Why?" the old lion asked.
"Because I want to," Cecilia said.
The lion looked at her for a moment, then nodded. Cecilia stepped forward and put her arms around the lion's neck, hugging him, feeling the coarse hair of his mane rub on her cheek and neck.
'Are you crazy?" she heard Avery say behind her. ~ Brian Falkner

I'm hopeless at playing scales. Try and be instinctive first and analytic afterwords, although it's good to study the theory of music. ~ Brian May

If you surrender, you have already lost. If you refuse to give up, though, no
matter the odds against you, at least you have succeeded in trying. ~ Brian Herbert

When you're a writer you no longer see things with the freshness of the normal person. There are always two figures that work inside you. ~ Brian Moore