Bob Saget Quotes

Beautiful clear day in Beverly Hills. The sweet smell of Botox is in the air.

Nobody can tell me what I can or can't do, except they can.

My humor was kind of from my dad and all the stuff that we went through, which was a lot of death. My humor was an escape.

I don't censor myself, but I don't want to force my sick-skewed version of the world, either.

Kindness isn't just a virtue, its a necessity.

Most people argue over who's right, not about what the truth is.

It's 103 comedians, or however many it is, and how would everyone tell it. It's enough people of substance that it makes you think of the people who aren't there that are alive.

It's so nice to share a day as beautiful as this one with hundreds of thousands of reckless drivers.

I don't like to drink alone 'cause there's nobody to fight with.

I have three kids, the oldest is 18 and her friends are going to see it The Aristocrats because they told her they're going to see it, especially her guy friends.

What I have now are good problems of trying to decide and what I really want to do is good work next. My phone's ringing a lot more and I've got nine lines so when it doesn't ring, it's very frustrating.

A good way to keep your relationship together is not to scream in terror when you see your partner naked.

I don't roll like that but I've never been with a hooker either. Yeah, that's good to say in an interview cause I feel bad a little because people grew up watching me and that's a little disturbing.

No one gets a free ride. Except maybe bus drivers.

Soon, I'm going to meet somebody around my own age, and she's going to be smart and beautiful, and I'm going to date her daughter.

It's okay to get stoned, as long as its not by other people.

Think well of yourself and others will too. Unless those others are in government, banking, or show business.

What I've learned about comedy people is that they're defined by the harshest level they've been to, their personal Auschwitz.

I was in a supermarket and I saw Paul Newman's face on salad dressing and spaghetti sauce ... I thought he was missing.

A lot of the comedians don't even tell the joke. Like only three tell the joke, the rest of them dissect it.

And turkeys are a bird. A very nervous bird. You'd be nervous too if you knew that one day you'd get your head cut off and ... filled with stuffing.

If you're hanging out with two negative people, do they equal one positive person?

A lot of people ask me what my favorite episode of Full House was, I always tell them: it was the last one!

Today is a brand new day. A day of change, of promise, of creativity, of kindness, and of love. I'm going back to bed.

Saw a man in Whole Foods yelling at his son, What are you doing?! You know I don't eat bread!! Is there such a thing as health food abuse?

My confidence wavers between being genuine and being insecure.

The Comedy Store - all three rooms were filled with 800 people in the room. And during that time, all these guys and some women, but mostly guys who weren't funny were doing stand up for a living; they weren't accountants, they were making $30-$50 grand a year on the road, or more.

It's a new day: Full of promise and love. The only thing that can take away that great feeling is - reading the news or speaking to people.

I never expected to live this long.

I think Desperate Housewives is a pretty good show, I watch it, I like it and I don't love reality tv that much. I do watch some, I've got three daughters so we'll watch the good stuff, the fun stuff.

I think when you dissect a joke too much, you have ruined whatever there is in comedy.

Around comics, I've always been known for, oh, that's not dirty, this is dirty.

You can talk about things indirectly, but if you want to talk how people really talk, you have to talk R-rated. I mean I've got three incredibly intelligent daughters, but when you get mad, you get mad and you talk like people talk. When a normal 17-year-old girl storms out of the house or 15-year-old boy is mad at his mom or dad, they're not talking the way people talk on TV. Unless it's cable.

Valuable people are undervalued.

The other day my twelve-year-old says to me, I don't feel like I'm with you right now. You're in the car with me, you're checking your e-mail, you're not listening to me, I don't feel like I'm with you. And I say, You know what? That was your mother's gripe, too. And she was right. And you're also correct. When you cop to something, you get to the next level. In this case, the next level is: I just learned something from my twelve-year-old.

I never went to camp as a kid. I couldn't get into an Ivy League school. I wouldn't join a biker club.

One of the first things I said when I signed on for the show was No hugs! Full House was all based on hugs.

My mom just told me it's impossible to know what's going to happen in life. Except with breakfast, cause she eats the same thing every day.

My favorite Dylan song? I think it's 'Just Like a Woman.' It always makes me cry.

If 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger,' how do you explain zombies?

Now people want what the movie was about, which is violent comedy. And that's really what The Aristocrats is based on - what will a family do out of desperation.

It think acceptance levels sort of swings back and forth. Like in the 60's there was a lot more freedom with sex that doesn't exist today. Language has gotten pushed a bit farther and violence is way far out.

Jon Lovitz. Jon, your act is like masturbation: you're the only one who enjoys it, and you should be arrested for doing it in public.

I love my mom! You can too for $12!

I don't like the negative of reality tv - the 'you're no good, so you have to leave, I choose you, but I thought you really loved me.' It's all about how bad people are and I just hate that. I like Pimp my Ride where someone is helping somebody.

I think comedy is on an organic upsurge right now because when I started, it was 1978 at The Comedy Store and Letterman had just stopped emceeing his morning show.

I was going to do a big radio show, and I said to my driver, 'Radio can wait, take me to the Full House house.' It literally was a drive-by. I photobombed the Full House house yesterday. I took like 20 pictures because I thought I didn't look good in any of these - you can't see the house! You gotta really show that that's the house!

I love watching people get hit in the crotch. But only if they get back up. If their teeth are bleeding, if they're really hurt, if an ambulance has to come, I'm not laughing.

I have a feeling I'm going to wake up one day and say 'I can't do dirty stuff anymore, I want to go all clean.' I'll do clean stuff too, I like to entertain people. Then they egged me on; we shot it at The Laugh Factory.

What do you do if you're in the car and your girlfriend touches your crotch then asks you to remind her to get kitchen scissors?

If you go with Marshall McLuhan's theory that the medium is the message, as soon as you're hosting a blooper show, you're done.

The squirrel in my yard really knows his way around the neighborhood.

Bob Saget was known, in the comedy clubs in those days, as extremely funny but with dark humor. It was always an inside joke among comics, when he got Full House, it was, like, wow, hes playing this all-American dad kind of thing. That was not Bob Saget. His comedic style is definitely more twisted, and he has an edgier side than he showed in Full House.

The nature of comedy is 'just do it.' But I think what's interesting about it is this joke has been around and why. And it's just saying what's wrong and how wrong can you be if you say it.

Yet there are some people - Steve Allen would dissect comedy forever; he's a really funny guy, but he would love talking about comedy. I'm doing it right now and you all seem bored.

I have the brain of a German Shepherd and the body of a 16-year-old boy; they're both in my car and I want you to see them

I just did a play in New York which has been my best experience that I've had for maybe ever. It was Paul Weitz's play called Privilege and I was in New York for three months.

My dad's like, If your mom and I are having sex and we videotape it and she falls out of bed funny, can I win ten-thousand dollars?

There was this whole middle time that only Chris Rock came out of, you know, 10 years ago it was Chris and a few other people, but that's about it. Chris is in a class of his own; I don't see another comedian who I put in high regard as him.

People do what they do to each other and they feed on it.

I really love making people laugh.

I love telling stories and acting and entertaining people. I don't want to make fun of people.

Apparently my street has a leaf blower gang who tag team all day, so the sounds of the leaf blower are forever blowing from dawn to dusk.

Paul Riser tells it in an interesting way; he dissects it and tells the structure, you know, 'you don't mention that part here.' But that's what's interesting about it and the people who are absent are interesting too.