Molly Harper Quotes

Up until two years ago, I was one of the top-selling real estate agents in the tricounty area. I went to a convention in Boca Raton. I had one too many margaritas, met a tall, pale, and handsome man in the bar, and woke up a vampire."
"I was mistaken for a deer and got shot," I offered."
"Oh.

I was that weird kid that checked out all of the non-fiction paranormal studies books from the library. I've always been fascinated by the supernatural, particularly movies and TV shows that manage to blend humor with the horror - 'Supernatural', 'Buffy', 'Angel.'

Zeb grinned. "You were the only person I know who's done it on an occupied police car."
I glared at him. "If you want to start trading stories, we can start trading stories. As a former member of the Richard Marx Fan Club, you don't want to start this arms race."
Zeb smiled meekly around a rib. Agreed."
"Richard Marx?" Jolene asked.
"He went through an obnoxiously cheerful pop phase. Don't ask.

Oh, go sting the BumbleBee.

Yeah, but when has telling someone to do what makes them happy ever resulted in a good decision? Remember when we told cousin Todd to do what made him happy and he came home with recently augmented boobs?

I think my books are lighter and funnier than some of the big series out there. You may not walk away from my books having learned a life-altering lesson, but you will feel better for having laughed for a few hours. It's just a different style of writing.

There was not a lot of room for someone like me, who kept the gossip mill running like a hamster wheel.

Jane gave me an expression she called the "stink-eye." I returned it with the bitch-brow. And we sat back and let the two expressions battle it out.
"What do we do now?" Andrea whispered to Gabriel.
"Stay still and try not to attract their attention?" Gabriel whispered back.

The love of a good woman can save a man" I remember Gabriel saying. "Or it can drive him to fits of unspeakable madness.

He likes me!" Finn exclaimed, sounding downright giddy. "You brought him a rare LEGO. You could burn down our house, and he would still look at you all googly-eyed." "Don't ruin this moment for me," he said, shushing me.

Would you kick her ass already?" Dick said, shoving me back toward Missy. "Come on, Stretch, man up. You do better than this! Get mad."
I nodded, rolling a dislocated shoulder back into place with a grunt and staggering back toward my opponent.
Behind me, Zeb yelled, "She tried to hurt Fitz!" He turned to Gabriel and Dick. "That'll get her mad."
Gabriel rolled his eyes. "She's been framed for murder twice over, shot in the back, her arms were set on fire, and her parents are being held hostage. You think tampered dog water is what's going to make her angry?"
"You tried to hurt my dog!" I wheezed as I lurched toward a grinning Missy.

And challenging your neighborhood to a round of competitive outdoor decorating. Because you're not really celebrating the birth of Jesus unless your house can be spotted by passing aircraft.

Wait until you meet my family. At Thanksgiving, we kill everything we can find, put it into a pot, and call it 'holiday gumbo'.

Get the point?" I asked, offering the boys a triumphant smile.
Gabriel, Zeb, and Dick stared at me, aghast.
"What? Sarcastic postkill comeback. Isn't that what you're supposed to do in situations like this?
Too harsh?

Delicious baked goods were the great work hostility equalizer, no matter how unorthodox the workplace.

Besides, my drinking blood's not nearly as weird as that time I caught you shaving your legs."
"I was curious!

THE BLUE GLACIER SALOON was part general store, part restaurant, part bar. It was my fantasy come true, a Stuckey's that served shots.

I always hoped for this spark of chemistry and compatibility, a flash of clarity to let me know that this was the guy, this was the time, so I should leg go and enjoy myself. But it never came. And by no small coincidence, neither did I.

Gabriel could anticipate Uncle Dave and Uncle Junior's traditional wedding reception speech, entitled "If you hurt our girl, we will whip your ass." Only this time, they would be adding, "Vampire or not.

So, you think we should have Naked Happy Fun Time because I didn't get to see all of your moves?

Hi Maggie, it's nice to see you again,' he said, smiling so sweetly I thought I might need insulin.

If I had a nickel for every time I heard the words 'I don't want to ruin our friendship ' I wouldn't be driving a car with an ominously flashing 'check engine' light.

She's your mother. I asked, Plus, you do look a bit like her. When you're angry, you both get these tense lines around your mouth ... Look, there they are.

I know where the Iberian Peninsula is, Iris."
"I know, I know, you probably built the first road or furrowed the first wheat field ever sown there."
"Brat."
"Cradle robber."
"Grave robber.

Contrary to popular myth, werewolves myth, werewolves are born, not made. No matter how many times they bite someone, that person will not turn, though they will probably bleed profusely and will definitely be annoyed.

Vampires have bright eyes glistening white teeth unnaturally smooth skin and a certain animal magnetism. If they aren't pretty they starve. It's sort of like life in Los Angeles.

Visiting Specialty Books was like living in an episode of Extreme Hoarders: Bibliophiles.

I am willing to admit that Gerard Butler has single-handedly murdered the romantic comedy."

Gigi snickered. "Gerard Butler took the romantic comedy to an orgy, accidentally strangled it during an air game, panicked, and dumped its body in the woods."

I stared at her, gobsmacked. "That may be the funniest thing I've ever heard –" I spluttered. "How the hell do you even know what an air game is?"

Gigi preened. "Just because you put the parental locks on HBO doesn't mean I can't get around them.

But I'm just Southern enough and polite enough to say 'bless her heart' instead of 'screw that knock-kneed bitch.'" "The sweeter you bless somebody, the more you hate them. But nobody can get mad at you, because you're just being a good Christian lady," Frankie said, her eyes wide and guileless.

I held it together for the rest of the drive home but as soon as Kelsey dropped me off I flopped face down on the couch and sobbed like a reality TV star on confessional day.

We're allergic to to silver. Imagine sticking your hand in a hornets' nestand being forced to listen to the Wiggles while the little bastards repeatedly sting you

Most of the people you read about being turned meet vamps in clubs or over the Internet ... Ew, did you ... ?"
"Yes, I met a vampire on the Internet, went to his evil love den, and let him turn me, because I'm that brainless.

When you encounter unpleasantness from the human population, try to keep in mind that you will be able to dance on their graves long after they're dead. It's a cheering thought. - from The Guide for the Newly Undead.

Don't worry about being nervous. A lot of vampires have trouble with this from time to time. It happens to everyone."
"If I was a forty-year-old man suffering from erectile dysfunction, that would be a great comfort to me, thanks.

Wal-mart started selling "Vampire Home Defense Kits", including holy water, crosses, stakes, mallets, and a book of quick blessings to bar vampires from your door. The fact that these kits were generally useless didn't bother me nearly as much as the idea of holy water being sold at wal-mart.

I waited a beat before saying, "So, really, I'm not the craziest girl you've ever dated. That's a relief." "Your grasp of the weight of this situation is amazing," he retorted. I shrugged. "I'm just saying.

Mama operated under the assumption that I was eight years old and incapable of feeding myself. It was physically impossible for her to cross my threshold without some form of nourishment. She once offered me cheese and crackers from her while we were standing in my kitchen.

Even after having months to adjust, Iris was "displeased" about my employment, which was like saying PETA was displeased by the popularity of TripleMeat Whataburgers.

I am not the kind of girl who trusts a man to tell her everything she needs to know in his own due time, so I did some research on my sire. You can take the girl out of the library, but you can't take the neurotic, compulsively curious librarian out of the girl.

The scent of growth, quiet and green, hung heavy in the air. I heard everything. I saw everything. I could count the craters on the moon. I could count every mosquito buzz past, bypassing my tender skin out of respect for a fellow bloodsucker.

How much to make her go to her room and stop talking to me?" Cal asked.
While I gaped at his rudeness, Gigi coughed a rather obvious "douchebag!" into her fist. I caught her eye and shook my head emphatically. Douche-coughing someone with superhearing was not a responsible choice.

Maybe we could put you in one of those plastic hamster balls for your protection.

And three, he had been staring at my boobs through the entire interview. At this point, I've come to expect this of human men and realize that it has nothing to do with me. They want to see all women naked. Except for their mothers.

This is not how people behave in a Cracker Barrel!

I couldn't have loved her more if she was my own child. But sometimes I considered shaving her eyebrows off while she slept.
For the sake of developing her character.

There's an inverse relationship between my temper and my ability to control my accent. If you hear me say 'Fiddledeedee', run for the hills, because I'm getting ready to take out bystanders.

I was shameless in my supermarket-shelf mass-market taste. I loved King, Evanovich, Grisham and Brown. I won't lie; the oficial-looking filing cabinet in the corner is actually stuffed full of my paperbacks.

Well, pardon me for not knowing about the thermal-only panty rule," I said, smirking as he dipped his head to nuzzle one of the silky bra cups. "I'll rush right out and buy some long johns."
Pausing to look up with perfect sincerity, he promised, "If you do, I will weep. Like a little girl. In public.

Not to be rude, but it was all pointless," I noted from across the room. Four eyes narrowed at me. "What? I said 'not to be rude'. That's like saying 'God bless them' right after you say bad things about someone. It means it doesn't count!

Wow, you are truly master of the single entendre." I rolled my eyes. "Do your lines work on anybody, ever?

My color schemes were limited to what would go with the pewter-gray gown ... except for the bridesmaids' gowns. I'd already decided that they were going to be a distinctly nonmatchy lemon yellow that Jolene's aunt Vonnie would have to special-order. The kind of yellow one would find on takeout menus or particularly urgent Post-it notes.
In fact, if the outdoor lighting failed, we could use the color of their dresses to illuminate the ceremony.
And yes, i had to use a vendor who hated me, because Vonnie held the only pattern left in the continental United States for the "Ruffle and Dreams," the very dress I'd had to wear in Jolene's wedding. Revenge would would be mine, for a few months, until i revealed the dove-gray bridesmaids' dresses i actually planned for them to wear.

I have ways of making extra money when I need it", he said, slightly offended. "When Gilbert needed money for graduate school, I sold a kidney on the black market for tuition."
We can grow those back?" I asked.
It wasn't my kidney.

Given my history with my sister, it was inevitable, really, that we would end up wrestling in the mud, beating each other senseless with pieces of foam rubber.

Lace it with Ex-Lax. It will do her some good.

Vampirism: (n) 1. The condition of being a vampire, marked by the need to ingest blood and extreme vulnerability to sunlight. 2. The act of preying upon others for financial or emotional gain. 3. A gigantic pain in the butt.

I'm not one to say I told you so." Jane sighed. "But I'll sing it. I toooooold you soooooo!" She finished on one knee, fanning her fingers dramatically.

You will treat my underwear with the reverence it deserves. Next time, you will stop and appreciate
hell, you'll marvel at the miracle of my ass clad in silk.

Jane: Missy was not so subtly reminding me that she had done something nice for me and here i was being rude when all she was asking me to do was attend a nice party. This was the way southern women worked all peaches & cream laced with arsenic.

Confrontations with other parents are going to happen - at your child's school, at the ball field, at the mall. The important thing to remember is that thanks to the prevalence of security cameras and smartphones, you're probably being recorded. So footage of your retribution will be held against you in a court of law.

Sometimes I marveled at how grown-up we'd all become, and then Dick would recite a sixteen-stanza penis-based epic poem, and I'd take it back.

Two hundred years of work experience was a human resources nightmare.

He's like that with everybody. Don't take it personally. Some people were just born with a pinecone shoved up their butts.
In Cooper's case, it's lodged sideways.

She had a knack for relieving the tension in a room by pretending my rudeness away with cooking. Many, many chickens had given up their lives to cover my conversationalist shortcomings.

I've never done this before. I didn't go to human bars. Mudslides aside, I'm not much of a drinker. Club people are not my people. Now, book-club people -

You can't just leave a Mississippi Mud Mountain half-eaten! We leave no cupcake behind!

After a long pause, Mama said, "Well, I don't know what to say." Daddy checked his watch and marked the time. "It took thirty years, but it was bound to happen sometime.

Most of the funeral stuff is going to be done during daylight hours," I said.
"I'm not even going to be able to attend the burial.
Humans get upset when vampires burst into flames right next to them.

I let Eli blow so much smoke up my skirt I'm surprised I don't have ass cancer.

The ring is a copy of my mother's. I took the stone from her engagement ring and had a jeweler place it in a titanium setting."
"Titanium?" I asked.
"Dick knew a guy."
"Of course he did."
"You're a bit rough and tumble with jewelry, and I knew it would have to be able to stand up to ... "
"Nuclear winter?"
His eyebrow lifted. "I never know with you.

I would have taken Zeb, purely for entertainment value, but he had an actual date, with a real girl. That hadn't happened in a while, so I was a good friend and put my own needs second to the possibility of him actual sex with a real girl.

Oh, I like her. You deserve her, buddy. I'm looking forward to watching how this plays out. You in a relationship? That's like one of those shows about guys who wrestle with wild gators. I don't know how it's going to turn out, but it will be bloody, and I'm pretty sure I'm going to laugh.

Let's just wait and see if I like the girls they marry," she said. "So, that means your dress is new, and the necklace is old and blue. What can you borrow?" "A time machine

New vampires are discouraged from trying to return to their normal human routines. Especially if those routines include tanning or working as a fireman. Your day will not end well.

Mama Ginger came calling, to set the alarm on my biological clock. Oh, and to remind me that there's no point to me being a woman if I never have children."
"Well, if that's true, I wasted a hell of a lot of money on panty hose and lipstick." Jettie snorted.

Jane: "Look, Dave Chandler left me on the ninth floor of our university research library without my panties after we lost our virginity together. He never called me again and actually turned on his heel and walked in the opposite direction whenever he saw me on campus. Unless you're going to do that, I don't think were gonna have a problem. Gabriel?"
Gabriel: "Sorry. Something strange happened inside my head when you said the word "panties". The overwhelming urge to kill Dave Chandler combined with a simultaneous loss of blood to the brain.

He was always 'checking in' to see if I needed any help with my campaign, which on the surface seemed nice enough, but it was done in a condescending tone that made me want to staple his lip to his tie.

Eva seemed to be on some sort of mission to work her evil/cute baby magic on me. Ever since she'd started toddling around on those chubby little legs, she'd been targeting me, the least enthusiastic baby person in the room. I think she enjoyed the challenge, which proved that we were related.
Eva would tug on my pants leg until I picked her up. And then she'd basically stare me down with those big blue-grey eyes of hers, daring me not to snuggle her. It was like facing down a tiny, diapered mastermind.
And of course, I caved. I snuggled her. I babbled. I read her Where the Wild Things Are until I was hoarse. I actually found myself watching my language. Shudder.

Misery, thy name is Mudslide

There was also an alarming assortment of junk food, including ready-made cheesecake filling in a tub, which I didn't even know existed. And now that I was aware of it, I was extremely disgruntled that I couldn't eat any of it.

Wait, is this a nice-ish way of telling me we had sex and I was lousy? That's how you can tell I'm inexperienced? Because, if so, that's just rude. And what were you doing at Shenanigans? And how did you find me on the road?"
Gabriel looked wounded. "To answer your questions in order: The only body fluid I exchanged with you is blood
"
"That's very comforting, thank you.

I wanted to call you, but I find myself feeling ... awkward when it comes to you."
"'Awkward' is the word du jour," I agreed. "So, I make you nervous?"
"Not quite nervous," he said. "Just unsettled."
I wriggled my eyebrows and inched a little closer to him. "Unsettled, that's even better.

Was prepared for one baby. I don't know if I can handle two." "It's a little late for that. There's a very strict no-return policy on babies.

And I was beginning to suspect that Andrea was slipping extra espresso into her magical mystery coffee potions because "caffeinated Jane" amused her.

If anything happened to you, I don't know what I would do." I lifted my head to eye him warily. "You're not going to do something weird with my dryer lint, are you?" "I never know what is going to come out of your mouth," he said, staring at me. "I enjoy that, in a morbid way.

I wondered what would be the most humiliating way possible to be turned into a vampire - a story that a vampire would be embarrassed to share with their vampire buddies over a nice glass of Type O.

I look like Barbara Bush in drag." Aunt Jettie

Don't tell them he's upstairs , I commanded my brain. Tell them he moved to Pacoima to start a commune for vegetarian vampires. Tell them he's looking into getting a sex-change operation and renaming himself Lulu Pleshette.

The third thing that men do to get over a break-up. Drinking, not talking about your feelings, and then what?" I said, growing suspicious. "It's fighting, isn't it? You set this up.

I offered you a choice, and you took it."
I shot him what I hoped was a truly scathing glare. "Some choice. I was dying. Some drunk shot me from a pickup. Why wouldn't I have just woken up with gonorrhea like every other girl of loose moral fiber?

He delivered the mail, ran our modest recycling program, and maintained our handful of public buildings. He also occasionally fell asleep while driving a snowplough, but he was such a cheerful guy it was hard to stay pissed at him. Besides every village needs an idiot.

Aunt Jettie: "yes, i'm wandering the earth seeking revenge on ben & jerry for giving me the fat a$$ and coronary & I give out love advice to the tragically lonely."
jane: "Is that an ironic eternal punishment for the lady who died an eighty-one year old spinster."
jettie: "single by choice you twirp."
jane: "banshee."
jettie: "bloodsucker.

I'm sorry I have the emotional maturity of a grapefruit." He grinned, his fangs glinting. "You don't have the emotional maturity of a grapefruit. A tangerine, maybe, but I think you've got to work your way up to grapefruit.

Please don't mix Marvel and DC references. You're better than that, he said, shaking his head disdainfully.

In a very deliberate motion, he squared my shoulders in front of his and clasped my arms. "I know I could never ask you to leave River Oaks. It means a lot more to you than my family's house means to me. Your aunt Jettie is there. It's your home. I would like it to be my home, too. I want to make a life with you, and for most people, that means living in the same house."
Gabriel kissed me, as gentle as an angel's wing brushing across my lips. "You're my bloodmate in every sense of the word, the person I choose to spend the rest of my immortal life with, if you can stand me that long."
"That's what that means?" My forehead wrinkled in concentration, and I tried to remember the first time I'd hear that word. "Wait, you told Missy the crazy Realtor that she'd suffer dire consequences if she hurt your 'bloodmate.' That was more than a year ago."
"I knew even then. You're it for me, Jane. You're my eternity."
"Well, why couldn't you have told me?" I exclaimed.
Gabriel shrugged. "You - "
"I wasn't ready to hear it yet," I finished for him. "I'm sorry." But as the enormity of what Gabriel had just said sunk in, a huge grin split my face.
I brought it under control, so I could narrow my eyes at him. "So, you're saying you will tell me everything now. You won't try to protect me or keep me in the dark. You'll trust me to make a rational decision about bad news after I have my inevitable, initial panic attack?"
He nodded solemnly. "I will."

She was the type of librarian who has "Reading is supposed to be educational, not fun" tattooed somewhere.

Does Hallmark make a "Sorry I tried to drink your blood and touched you in a vaguely inappropriate manner" card? I settled for "How much do you remember?

Besides if we went to jail I would sell you for cigarettes.

Ophelia was beating some poor underling for not knowing her arse from the sparse collection of cells between her ears.

Johnny Cash had all of the same talents and problems as Elvis - a poor upbringing in the rural South exposure to gospel music throughout his childhood a penchant for drug abuse ... they had the same sort of influencing experiences but Johnny' Cash's problematic relationship was with his father not his mother. If he had had the mommy issues that Elvis had instead of a compelling need to prove himself to his father, he wouldn't have been the badass man in black, the guy in Folsom Prison watching the train roll by. Elvis was a lot of things but even with the karate and the gunplay he was more unstable than badass.

He's practically stalking me. He just won't let it go. He's just being ... he's being a jackass with a flaky jackass crust and a delicious jackass filling."
"So he's jackass pie?