Funny Motivational Quotes

Even a stopped clock is right twice a day, ~ Helen Harper

During job interviews, when they ask: 'What is your worst quality?', I always say: 'Flatulence'. That way I get my own office. ~ Dan Thompson

Most comedy is based on getting a laugh at somebody else's expense. And I find that that's just a form of bullying in a major way. So I want to be an example that you can be funny and be kind, and make people laugh without hurting somebody else's feelings. ~ Ellen DeGeneres

Even a stopped clock is right twice every day. After some years, it can boast of a long series of successes. ~ Marie Von Ebner-Eschenbach

When anybody laughs, he has no mind, no thought, no problem, no suffering. ~ H.W.L. Poonja

I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies. ~ Mindy Kaling

Life is a blank canvas, and you need to throw all the paint on it you can. ~ Danny Kaye

It's hard to get lost if you don't know where you're going. ~ Jim Jarmusch

Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example. ~ Francois De La Rochefoucauld

Don't mind your make-up, you'd better make your mind up. ~ Frank Zappa

I was called Rembrandt Hope in my boxing days, because I spent so much time on the canvas. ~ Bob Hope

You gazed at the moon and fell in the gutter. ~ Thomas Fuller

I get mad at people who talk about traumatic job interviews, about going on one and getting rejected. I get rejected all the time and not only do I get rejected, but people have no problem being really specific about why I was rejected. ~ Julia Sweeney

Sometimes, Chelsea, I wonder, how you get by from day to day. It's a good thing you're so voluptuous. ~ Chelsea Handler

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions. ~ Steven Wright

I don't know why femininity should be associated with weakness. Women should be free to express who they are without thinking, 'I need to act like a man, or I need to tone it down to be successful.' That's a very good way to keep women down. ~ Zooey Deschanel

The key to success is not through achievement, but through enthusiasm. ~ Malcolm Forbes

You're at your best when you don't know what you're doing. ~ Paul Stanley

Every cloud has its silver lining but it is sometimes a little difficult to get it to the mint'
-archy the cockroach ~ Don Marquis

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to stop going to those places. ~ Henny Youngman

Too many of us look upon Americans as dollar chasers. This is a cruel libel, even if it is reiterated thoughtlessly by the Americans themselves. ~ Albert Einstein

You're a kid, your whole life is awesome. It's awesome, right? You had no money, no ID, no cell phone, no nothing, no keys to the house. You just ran outside into the woods. You weren't
scared of nothing. I challenge you to do that as an adult. All your IDs, all your credit cards - just run out of the house with no phone, turn the corner where you can't see your house, and
not have a full on panic attack. ~ Bill Burr

I can count on one hand the number of people who wrote me a thank you letter after having an interview, and I gave almost all of them a job. ~ Kate Reardon

It's a great lesson about not being too precious about your writing. You have to try your hardest to be at the top of your game and improve every joke you can until the last possible second, and then you have to let it go. You can't be that kid standing at the top of the waterslide, overthinking it ... You have to let people see what you wrote. ~ Tina Fey

Maturity does not always come with age; sometimes age comes alone. ~ John C. Maxwell

Did you ever see the customers in health - food stores? They are pale, skinny people who look half - dead. In a steak house, you see robust, ruddy people. They're dying, of course, but they look terrific. ~ Bill Cosby

You can film me 24 hours a day and you'll get a very accurate picture of who I am. You see the funny side, I work hard, and I try to be honest and just call it how it is. ~ Lisa Vanderpump

Isabelle looked dubious. "Mom and Dad won't be pleased if they find out."
"That you freed a possible criminal by trading away your brother to a warlock who looks like a gay Sonic the Hedgehog and dresses like the Child Catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Band? Simon inquired. "No, probably not. ~ Cassandra Clare

The 6 greatest detriments to our health, happiness, and ultimate success: Regret, Worry, Guilt, Blame, Gossip, & Resentment
Removing just one can change your life. ~ Charles F. Glassman

You are going to love the sports here. Snow skiing and water-skiing and rock climbing and all kinds of extreme sports. I give you full permission to hurl yourself off stuff. ~ Cynthia Hand

Groupies? Did BDSM have groupies? ~ Cherise Sinclair

I honestly thought my marriage would work because me and the wife did share a sense of humour. We had to really, because she didn't have one. ~ Frank Skinner

Awake! there is always a reason to give up and there is always a reason to soldier on unrelentingly. Don't give up so easily on a true purpose just because you perceive an arduous errand. Arise for you can do something to overcome something! Look beyond what you look and awaken your inner man. Move! And you shall surely see a fabulous end! ~ Ernest Agyemang Yeboah

You will søon be a book if you read bøoks daily ~ Smart Oyejide

If you don't make the time to work on creating the life you want, you're eventually going to be forced to spend a LOT of time dealing with a life you don't want. ~ Kevin Ngo

It's funny: as a director, there are movies you make because you're passionate about getting your vision across, and you know that you're vision is different than anybody else. In those cases, you take the plunge, and it works, or it doesn't. You make the stylistic choices based on how you feel about the material. ~ Michael Lehmann

Evan Handler is not only a fine actor, he's a damn good writer. It's Only Temporary is wise and funny and as righteously indignant as it is endearingly self-effacing. In what may be a literary first, the book actually left me wanting more. ~ Meghan Daum

As long as the people who kinda wanna go kill other people are going to go kill other people who kinda wanna go kill other people, you're killing all the right people and opening up all the best parking spaces. ~ Doug Stanhope

Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator. ~ Lemony Snicket

Sicarius, are you ready for a hike?"
She faced him only to find he had armed himself - more so than usual. In addition to his daggers and throwing knives, he held two rifles, two pistols, two cargo belts laden with ammo pouches, and a bag of his smoke grenades.
"Or a single-handed all-out assault on the forest? ~ Lindsay Buroker

Defy your own group. Rebel against yourself. ~ Cathy Guisewite

You might want to pop your collar."

"Hey if the biker doesn't pop his, I'm not popping mine. Also? We're thirty years past that fashion faux pas."

"Yeah, but it still comes in handy when you're sporting a hickey."

"What?" My hands flew to my neck, and I found the tender spot. "Shit. No, that's not-- I burned it. My hair wasn't cooperating, so I dragged out the curling iron."

"Gabriel has a curling iron?"

"No, I meant--Damn it." I rooted through my bag for concealer. "I'm sorry. If I'd noticed, I'd have hidden it."

"I know." His lips twitched. "It is kinda funny, though, watching you guys scramble with excuses. Gabriel told me you weren't answering my calls because you forgot your phone in the car. Which is about as likely as you leaving your arm behind. He dried his hair so fast the back was sticking up. And then he scarfed down half the food I brought for lunch. I've never seen him eat like that." He smiled. "But I do appreciate he's being circumspect."

"He's not going to wave it in your face."

"No, but we are talking about Gabriel, who never goes out of his way to cushion anyone's feelings but yours. He's being very thoughtful. It's sweet. Just don't tell him I said that."

"I won't." I finished applying the concealer. "Better?"

"Yep." He leaned over for a better look and then stopped. "Is that a bite on your collarbone?"

"Shit! No. Damn it.

Ric ~ Kelley Armstrong

Authenticity is an act of social justice. ~ Kierra C.T. Banks

I love the Pope, I love seeing him in his Pope-Mobile, his three feet of bullet proof plexi-glass. That's faith in action folks! You know he's got God on his side. ~ Bill Hicks

The truth is, I've never thought of myself as the Michael Jordan of comedy. And that's a good thing. You know why? Because I'm not. Wasn't that Richard Pryor? Yes, it was. I know what I am: I'm funny! ~ Tracy Morgan

The woman rolled her eyes. "DarkRiver males are damn possessive and complete exhibitionists during the mating dance."
Sascha ran through her dictionary of changeling terminology and could find no fit. "Mating dance?"
Mercy whistled. Dorian winced. Tamsyn suddenly got interested in her dough. Clay and Vaughn mysteriously disappeared. Behind her, Lucas's body was a hard wall of heat. "I think we need to discuss this upstairs. ~ Nalini Singh

It is a sign of immaturity to believe that being older than someone (automatically) makes you more (mentally) mature than them. ~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Politically Incorrect was the name of the show Bill Maher hosted in the 1990s. It's also an apt description of the man himself. Now host of
HBO's hit show Real Time, I find Maher to be one of the sharpest observers of American politics and life in general out there. It doesn't mean I always agree with him. I always find him funny, though. ~ Fareed Zakaria

A rose in a desert can only survive on its strength, not its beauty. ~ Matshona Dhliwayo

There is no stimulus like that which comes from the consciousness of knowing that others believe in us. ~ Orison Swett Marden

It's funny how people can change your life without meaning to. Even the fucked-up, crazy people leave everything different when they go away. ~ Seanan McGuire

It's not funny. I've got a naked drunk vampire running around in my orchard. ~ Ilona Andrews

Once you feel nice about yourself, you have planted the first seed to develop self-confidence. ~ Stephen Richards

Funny how lyrics to a song that held memories for you never went away. ~ Riley Hart

There is funny ha-ha, and there is funny peculiar, and beneath a trapdoor in Kevin's mind is a place where the two blur together, the place of jokes, churning so furiously frequently, when it kicks up a line, he has no idea what it will turn out to be. ~ Kevin Brockmeier

Hunger is a funny thing. It has a kind of intelligence of it's own. ~ Jean Craighead George

The happiness of the South was very formidable. It was an almost invincible happiness. It defied you to call it anything else. Everyone was in fact happy. The women were beautiful and charming. The men were healthy and successful and funny; they knew how to tell stories. They had everything the North had and more. They had a history, they had a place redolent with memories, they had good conversation, they believed in God and defended the Constitution, and they were getting rich in the bargain. They had the best of victory and defeat. Their happiness was aggressive and irresistible. ~ Walker Percy

Are we going to be stupid?" she whispered.
"Define stupid."
"Anything that involves either one of us exposing our favorite body parts." Or their hearts ...
"I want to hear about your favorite body part," he said. "In great detail. ~ Jill Shalvis

How long should you try? Until. ~ Jim Rohn

I had a dream about you. At first you were a mannequin, and I was a fashion designer. Then, inexplicably, we switched roles and I became the mannequin. But instead of putting clothes on me, you laughed at my nakedness, and you sold me to the owner of a sex shop. ~ Dark Jar Tin Zoo

Only your Willpower can fight the bad influences around you. ~ Mohith Agadi

Straight men just can't imagine the bliss of being in a relationship with someone who finds farting as funny as they do. ~ Graham Norton

You try almost dying, being chased, then
hopping in a car with a complete (horny)
stranger. ~ Gena Showalter

Strength is not only about winning the game; it's also about not giving-up. ~ Vikrmn

The best thing you can do is follow your dreams ~ The Rev

You can hardly tell where the computer models finish and the real dinosaurs begin ~ Laura Dern

Take my hand, hold on tight, and together we will jump. Jump out of the darkness and into the blinding light. I don't know what struggle we will experience out there but I believe it is better than struggling here in the darkness. Together let's change our lives. Let us take risks to create a better life. I believe. ~ Avina Celeste

Warner scratches the back of his head. "Do you never get exhausted being so wholly unbearable? You have as much charisma as the rotting innards of unidentified roadkill."
I hear an abrupt wheezing noise and turn toward the sound.
Kenji has a hand pressed to his mouth, desperately trying to suppress a smile. He's shaking his head, holding up a hand in apology. And then he breaks, laughing out loud, snorting as he tries to muffle the sound. "I'm sorry," he says, pressing his lips together, shaking his head again. "This is not a funny moment. It's not. I'm not laughing."
Adam looks like he might punch Kenji in the face. ~ Tahereh Mafi

What has gotten into you lately? Save a little craziness for menopause! ~ Woody Allen

Even if I told you what scares me, you wouldn't understand how it feels.
So just so you know, I've travelled roads I had no idea where they'd take me to.
And maybe I don't know much about life and its horrors but trust me, I know enough.

And I can fix everything, like I always have. ~ Simran.M.Anthony

Half an hour into the movie, Margot started giggling, but it wasn't a funny part or anything. When Quinn looked over at her, she was covering her mouth and nose with one hand while waving the other in front of her. He couldn't hide his shock. No fucking way!
"Margot! You did not just fart!" Quinn exclaimed. He was absolutely dumbfounded. No woman has ever farted in front of him, not even his mom.
"I am sorry!" She laughed. "You would have never known if it did not smell!"
Quinn burst out laughing. He caught a whiff and laughed harder as he clapped a hand over his nose. It wasn't that bad, but he decided to play along. He was laughing so hard that he had tears running down his face. He couldn't remember the last time he laughed until he cried. Margot too was laughing so hard that she had tears running down her face. She gave him a playful shove, which only made it harder for him to breathe. ~ Andria Large

Football is not a contact sport. Its a collision sport ~ Duffy Daugherty

Todays rocks are tomorrows diamonds. ~ Matshona Dhliwayo