Bill Maher Quotes

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Quotes About Bill Maher

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Guns aren't just a tool of last resort. They're awesome. That's why people stroke them. And name them, and take pictures with them. You guys aren't just firearm enthusiasts - you're ammosexuals. And before you try and deny you have some sort of unnatural romantic relationship with your gun, consider this. You're taking it out to dinner! Because it completes you. Get a room. ~ Bill Maher
Bill Maher quotes by Bill Maher
You call for a constitutional amendment banning abortion? We call for federally-funded, partial-birth abortions at the drive-through at McDonald's. ~ Bill Maher
Bill Maher quotes by Bill Maher
Every time somebody says 'Islamophobia' it gives the people who are intimidating cover. ~ Bill Maher
Bill Maher quotes by Bill Maher
Again, (America is) a stupid country with stupid people who don't pay attention. ~ Bill Maher
Bill Maher quotes by Bill Maher
In today's Republican Party, there's a term for people who hate charity and love killing: 'Christian.' ~ Bill Maher
Bill Maher quotes by Bill Maher
We don't like mystery. You like mystery, 'cause it's not a mystery to you; you know when you're gonna get laid. ~ Bill Maher
Bill Maher quotes by Bill Maher
You're either a rationalist, or you're not. And the good news is a recent poll found 20% of adults under 30 say they are rationalists, and have figured out that Santa Claus and Jesus are really the same guy. Now, 20% is hardly a majority. But it's a bigger minority than blacks, jews, homosexuals, NRA members, teachers, or seniors ... and it's certainly enough to stop being shy about expressing the opinion that we're not the crazy ones! ~ Bill Maher
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Amazon has included me in an opportunity to provide top-shelf television-style programming live on the world's computer screens. To hold forth with the industry's very best actors, directors, musicians, authors - I'm thrilled to be on the cutting edge of this. ~ Bill Maher
Bill Maher quotes by Bill Maher
I love the Tea Party. They are the ultimate beer goggles. They make everything look better. ~ Bill Maher
Bill Maher quotes by Bill Maher
Love does not conquer all. ~ Bill Maher
Bill Maher quotes by Bill Maher
If there is such a thing as karma, let's hope that Sarah Palin comes back as a wolf being shot at from a plane. ~ Bill Maher
Bill Maher quotes by Bill Maher
I'd just like to know what a cop WOULD have to do to get indicted - and what good are cop cameras since Eric Garner IS on tape? ~ Bill Maher
Bill Maher quotes by Bill Maher
I find that the world is changing much, much faster than I can even bitch about it. ~ Bill Maher
Bill Maher quotes by Bill Maher
What Democratic congressmen do to their women staffers, Republican congressmen do to the country. ~ Bill Maher
Bill Maher quotes by Bill Maher
New Rule: Stop leaving couches on the sidewalk. Besides being lazy and ugly, it's animal cruelty. You teach your dog not to pee on the couch, and then when you take him to the place he's supposed to pee, there's a couch. ~ Bill Maher
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Now, I'm no doctor, but I am on TV. And in my professional opinion, George Bush is a paranoid schizophrenic. ~ Bill Maher
Bill Maher quotes by Bill Maher
Similarly, he forgot - or never really understood - that we live in a culture where men, as a group, have more power than women.

This isn't a controversial statement, despite the protestations of guys who funnel their frustration that not all extremely young, conventionally attractive women want to sleep with them into and argument that women, as a group, have "all the power." (Bill Maher, repping for his fan base, famously jokes that men have to do all sorts of shit to get laid, but women only have to do "their hair.")

The really great thing about this argument is how the patently nonsensical premise - that some young women's ability to manipulate certain men equals a greater degree of gendered power than say, owning the presidency for 220-odd years - obscures the most chilling part: in this mindset, "all the power" means, simply, the power to withhold consent.

Let that sink in for a minute. If one believes women are more powerful that men because we own practically all of the vaginas, then women's power to withhold consent to sex is the greatest power there is.

Which means the guy who can take away a woman's right to consent is basically a superhero. Right? ~ Kate Harding
Bill Maher quotes by Kate Harding
Trump is a little tone-deaf to the average American. He unveiled his slogan this week: 'Are you better off than you were four wives ago?' ~ Bill Maher
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Tea-baggers love the truth. They just hate facts. ~ Bill Maher
Bill Maher quotes by Bill Maher
The Eleventh Commandment: don't speak ill of a fellow Republican. What if the fellow Republican is doing something that hurts America? Isn't it the patriot who sides with America before he sides with the Republicans? ~ Bill Maher
Bill Maher quotes by Bill Maher
If you ignore every single thing Jesus told you to do, you are just auditing. You're not a Christian. ~ Bill Maher
Bill Maher quotes by Bill Maher
I'd like to have a drink with Bill Maher and see how he feels. We were too conservative coming over to Fox from fX, and got ourselves off our best game. ~ Tom Bergeron
Bill Maher quotes by Tom Bergeron
I never, ever in my life tried to be outrageous. I've only ever tried to say what was truly on my mind and not pull punches about it. ~ Bill Maher
Bill Maher quotes by Bill Maher
The president finally explained why he sat in that classroom on 9/11 for 7 minutes after he was told the country was under attack. He said he was 'collecting his thoughts.' What a time to start a new hobby.' ~ Bill Maher
Bill Maher quotes by Bill Maher
Sam Harris made that great analogy. He said, 'If someone was talking into their hair dryer and claiming that they were speaking to God, they would call Bellevue. But, take away the hair dryer, it's just praying.' ~ Bill Maher
Bill Maher quotes by Bill Maher
Mohamed Ali also had a way with words, but it helped enormously that he could also punch guys in the face. ~ Bill Maher
Bill Maher quotes by Bill Maher
Every day I think, 'Gosh, I wish I could be like George Carlin, Bill Maher: I want that edge.' But every time I start to get that edgy thing, I get kind of mean. ~ Tom Smothers
Bill Maher quotes by Tom Smothers
I hate religion. I think it's a neurological disorder. ~ Bill Maher
Bill Maher quotes by Bill Maher
Curious people are intersting people, I wonder why that is. ~ Bill Maher
Bill Maher quotes by Bill Maher
African American Congressman Bobby Rush wore a hoodie on the floor of Congress to make a point this week. And they threw him out. They said a hoodie is too scary for Congress. Too scary? Have you ever looked into Michele Bachmann's eyes? ~ Bill Maher
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'The Lorax,' ... it's a mythical, woodland creature, right, who's for saving trees. He speaks for the trees because no one else can. Kind of the way conservatives speak for fetuses. ~ Bill Maher
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John Kerry made a joke about Bush being a moron, and now Bush wants morons to think it was a joke was about the troops ... Now, John Kerry has apologized. He said he made a botched joke and admitted that he has a joking problem. He has checked into an improv group and revealed that as a child, he was molested by a clown. ~ Bill Maher
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Reverend Ted Haggard's followers still think he's not gay. I'm not kidding. In their world, there are no gay people. There are just straight people who are sinning. They don't want to do it, but the Devil makes them! He targets people like Reverend Ted. That's how it happened. The Devil got hold of Reverend Ted, and Ted said, 'Get thee behind me, Satan! And put it in, gently'. ~ Bill Maher
Bill Maher quotes by Bill Maher
When you've got somebody who's a flaming liberal like Bill Maher calling you out, something's wrong. ~ Dave Mustaine
Bill Maher quotes by Dave Mustaine
I thought this election was an adult discussion on how best to protect ourselves in the face of terrorism, but apparently it was a referendum on boys kissing. When homophobia trumps terrorism in America, wow. This country needs to get laid. ~ Bill Maher
Bill Maher quotes by Bill Maher
This is why rational people - anti-religionists - must end their timidity and come out of their closet and assert themselves. ~ Bill Maher
Bill Maher quotes by Bill Maher
Now people want Brian Williams to resign, but it could have a happy ending. Apparently what he said was such a blatant departure from the truth, today he got an offer from Fox News. ~ Bill Maher
Bill Maher quotes by Bill Maher
There is no debate here, just scientists and non-scientists. And since the subject is science, the non-scientists don't get a vote. ~ Bill Maher
Bill Maher quotes by Bill Maher
New Rule: Churches have to stop ringing the damn bells. It was a good idea in the Middle Ages, but people have clocks now. It's not like you're doing us all a favor by keeping the hunchbacks off the street. Make up your mind, are you a house of worship or an ice cream truck? ~ Bill Maher
Bill Maher quotes by Bill Maher
I'm not defending what Cory Booker said. I'm saying I understand why he has to kiss the asses of the rich people on Wall Street, because there's no other way to keep his city afloat. ~ Bill Maher
Bill Maher quotes by Bill Maher
I couldn't run for any office. I think that religion is bad, weed is good, and babies are disgusting; who would vote for me? ~ Bill Maher
Bill Maher quotes by Bill Maher
Just be happy that something traveled 5,000 miles across the Pacific and, for once, it wasn't your job. ~ Bill Maher
Bill Maher quotes by Bill Maher
The car bomb was fertilizer, gasoline, fireworks and propane tanks ... still safer than a Toyota. ~ Bill Maher
Bill Maher quotes by Bill Maher
I'm not into western medicine. That to me is a complete scare tactic. ~ Bill Maher
Bill Maher quotes by Bill Maher
Cleavage is to a man what power is to a woman. ~ Bill Maher
Bill Maher quotes by Bill Maher
When you want to make it clear to the rest of the world that you are not an imperialist, the best countries to have with you are Britain and Spain. ~ Bill Maher
Bill Maher quotes by Bill Maher
The thing I don't understand about homosexuals is, how do they decide which one is the one who's supposed to pretend they don't want it? ~ Bill Maher
Bill Maher quotes by Bill Maher
In this country, a smart leader is suspect. That's just the way it is. Even George Bush's father, who was a lot smarter than the son, had to sort of prove that he wasn't that bright. ~ Bill Maher
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Emergency rooms will be used the way they were intended to be used: not for primary care, but for when the average freaky American get some strange object up his ass. ~ Bill Maher
Bill Maher quotes by Bill Maher
I don't do heroin myself, but it's done wonders for my music collection. ~ Bill Maher
Bill Maher quotes by Bill Maher
This week Sarah Palin's memoir became a bestseller. It's not even out yet. It's being translated into English. ~ Bill Maher
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There's more attention paid to entertainers than ever and less that they have to say. Not that entertainers were ever a great beacon of knowledge to begin with, but at least when the Beatles were the leaders of the culture, they had a message. It was brief; it wasn't terribly complicated. "Give Peace a Chance." "All You Need is Love." But at least they were trying. At least they had grown. ~ Bill Maher
Bill Maher quotes by Bill Maher
New Rule: 12 years after 9/11 and admits yet another debate whether to bomb yet another Muslim country. America must stop asking the question: Why do they hate us? ~ Bill Maher
Bill Maher quotes by Bill Maher
I didn't really think a lot about religion, but I didn't really think a lot against it, either. I was one of those people who didn't go to church, but when I got in trouble I kinda pleaded with God - whoever that was. ~ Bill Maher
Bill Maher quotes by Bill Maher
New Rule: There is no devil, so stop blaming your screw-ups on him. Last week, one of the biggest evangelical leaders in America, the Reverend Ted Haggard, was outed for drugs and extramarital gay sex with a male prostitute. Or as Fox News reported it, 'John Kerry hates our troops'. ~ Bill Maher
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Let's make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake
you know, to send the right message to kids. ~ Bill Maher
Bill Maher quotes by Bill Maher
If a President must constantly remind the people that we're at war, then we're not. ~ Bill Maher
Bill Maher quotes by Bill Maher
It's supposed to be a good thing that he's got this dialogue started. To me, I think, I just took away something bad from it, because, apparently he had to do this not to convince them of anything. To educate them. ~ Bill Maher
Bill Maher quotes by Bill Maher
The Drug War is an addiction, really. ~ Bill Maher
Bill Maher quotes by Bill Maher
In ten Muslim countries you can get the death penalty just for being gay. If they were chopping the heads off of gay people in the Vatican, wouldn't there be a greater outcry among liberals? ~ Bill Maher
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When the tabloids photograph me when I'm out, I always say: "You know what, folks? I'm not married and I'm not gay. You caught me with a hot chick. You got me. Take me to hot-chick jail. Did it again. Guilty." ~ Bill Maher
Bill Maher quotes by Bill Maher
I see they found out the universe is 80 million years older than we thought. It's also been lying about its weight. ~ Bill Maher
Bill Maher quotes by Bill Maher
New Rule: Now that liberals have taken back the word "liberal," they also have to take back the word "elite." By now you've heard the constant right-wing attacks on the "elite media," and the "liberal elite." Who may or may not be part of the "Washington elite." A subset of the "East Coast elite." Which is overly influenced by the "Hollywood elite." So basically, unless you're a shit-kicker from Kansas, you're with the terrorists. If you played a drinking game where you did a shot every time Rush Limbaugh attacked someone for being "elite," you'd be almost as wasted as Rush Limbaugh.

I don't get it: In other fields--outside of government--elite is a good thing, like an elite fighting force. Tiger Woods is an elite golfer. If I need brain surgery, I'd like an elite doctor. But in politics, elite is bad--the elite aren't down-to-earth and accessible like you and me and President Shit-for-Brains.

Which is fine, except that whenever there's a Bush administration scandal, it always traces back to some incompetent political hack appointment, and you think to yourself, "Where are they getting these screwups from?" Well, now we know: from Pat Robertson. I'm not kidding. Take Monica Goodling, who before she resigned last week because she's smack in the middle of the U.S. attorneys scandal, was the third-ranking official in the Justice Department of the United States. She's thirty-three, and though she never even worked as a prosecutor, was tasked with overseeing ~ Bill Maher
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The president is not doing well with African Americans. His popularity rating - his approval rating - with blacks: two percent. Two percent. That is somewhere between Mark Fuhrman and sickle cell anemia. ~ Bill Maher
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Nowas you all know, this week, Pope Benedict told Vatican Radio - you know, Vatican Radio, playing the hits from the 8th century, 9th century and today - Benedict told them he was going to resign because the Church needs a fresh, young face, somewhere other than a priest's lap. ~ Bill Maher
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New Rule: Gay marriage won't lead to dog marriage. It is not a slippery slope to rampant inter-species coupling. When women got the right to vote, it didn't lead to hamsters voting. No court has extended the equal protection clause to salmon. And for the record, all marriages are "same sex" marriages. You get married, and every night, it's the same sex. ~ Bill Maher
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Yes, in baseball when the team stinks, you fire the manager. But you don't fire him because it rains. And you don't let the opposing team choose a new manager for you. And you don't fire him between innings. And replace him with a Viennese weightlifter. ~ Bill Maher
Bill Maher quotes by Bill Maher
Sarah Palin should not be on vacation. She should be in summer school. ~ Bill Maher
Bill Maher quotes by Bill Maher
The jury could get the case as early as next week, but the defense says they just want to introduce one last-minute load of crap. ~ Bill Maher
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People, especially the liberals, just live in this world where if anything is said that offends anybody even a little bit, not only does that person have to apologize; sometimes they have to go away forever. Go away, bad person. My analysis of this is that most of us don't do anything decent in our life. I'm not saying we're evil. I'm just saying we don't make a contribution, so the way they [liberals] think they're making a contribution is to point at the bad people [which] is somehow even more pathetic. ~ Bill Maher
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Sarah Palin said perhaps the most irresponsible thing I've ever heard any politician say. She said, 'The only thing that stops a bad guy with a nuke is a good guy with a nuke.' You think she realizes that nuking Russia might not be good for someone who can see Russia from her house? ~ Bill Maher
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Jesus, as a philosopher is wonderful. There's no greater role model, in my view, than Jesus Christ. It's just a shame that most of the people who follow him and call themselves Christians act nothing like him. ~ Bill Maher
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New Rule: If we want to find a place to cut government waste, we must start with the DEA rubber duck. Yes, on the DEA's website you can buy a rubber ducky with a DEA badge and a cop's hat. Which I recommend doing, because they're a great place to hide your weed. ~ Bill Maher
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Good presidents, people like George Bush, they SEND people to war. They don't bring them a rescue. This is America. We rescue insurance companies and banks. ~ Bill Maher
Bill Maher quotes by Bill Maher
True patriotism is doing something for your country. ~ Bill Maher
Bill Maher quotes by Bill Maher
What is with this campy fixation on all things Ronald Reagan? They talk about him the way gay people talk about Barbra Streisand. I think they just want him on a stamp so they can lick his ass. I think they only named an airport after him so they can say, I'm coming into Reagan! ~ Bill Maher
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In Washington, the air quality today was described as 'red.' ... You know what 'red' is? It's bad for everyone. Not just old people, sick people and babies. When it's just bad for old people, sick people and babies, that's called a Republican budget. ~ Bill Maher
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Anyone who is elected mayor of a place called Sin City is allowed to be a drunk. ~ Bill Maher
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I'd like to protect children, too, but ... is everything worth sacrificing to that? I mean, drugs have done a lot of good ... They've midwived a lot of good ideas ... lot of great songs, you know? I think Penny Lane is worth 10 dead kids ... I think Dark Side of the Moon is worth 100 dead kids. There, I said it. ~ Bill Maher
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Fake it. We know you can do that. We've seen your sex tape. ~ Bill Maher
Bill Maher quotes by Bill Maher
Their [Republicans] approach to a woman's body is the same as their approach to the economy: they have no idea how it works, but they're eager to screw with it anyway. ~ Bill Maher
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New Rule: Stop putting psychedelic screensavers on computers. I sit down to check my e-mail, and the next thing I know it's three days later, I'm in the desert, I'm banging on a drum, I'm naked, and somebody's pierced my dick. ~ Bill Maher
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The American people don't really care what side of an issue you're on. They just don't want you to act like a pussy. ~ Bill Maher
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Halloween is a day when we all get to fool people into thinking we're someone else. Or as Mitt Romney calls it, campaigning. ~ Bill Maher
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There is a big difference between a disappointing friend and a deadly enemy. Of course the Democrats are disappointing. That's what makes them Democrats. If they were any more frustrating they'd be your relatives. But in this country they are all that stands between you and darkest night. You know why their symbol is the letter 'D'? Because it's a grade that means good enough, but just barely. You know why the Republican symbol is 'R'? Because it's the noise a pirate makes when he robs you and feeds you to a shark. ~ Bill Maher
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They" hate us because they feel--and "they" are not wrong--that it is within our power to do so much more, and that we practice a kind of passive-aggressive violence on the Third World. We do this by, for example, demonizing tobacco as poison here while promoting cigarettes in Asia; inflating produce prices by paying farmers not to grow food as millions go hungry worldwide; skimping on quality and then imposing tariffs on foreign products made better or cheaper than our own; padding corporate profits through Third World sweatshops; letting drug companies stand by as millions die of AIDS in Africa to keep prices up on lifesaving drugs; and on and on.

We do, upon reaching a very high comfort level, mostly choose to go from ten to eleven instead of helping another guy far away go from zero to one.

We even do it in our own country. Barbara Ehrenreich's brilliant book Nickel and Dimed describes the impossibility of living with dignity or comfort as one of the millions of minimum-wage workers in fast food, aisle-stocking and table-waiting jobs. Their labor for next to nothing ensures that well-off people can be a little more pampered.

So if we do it to our own, what chance do foreigners have? ~ Bill Maher
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Women are also property in our bible; adultery is a property crime in the Old Testament, not a sex crime. ~ Bill Maher
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You know ... there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time ... husband!!! ~ Bill Maher
Bill Maher quotes by Bill Maher
The real axis of evil in America is the genius of our marketing and the gullibility of our people. ~ Bill Maher
Bill Maher quotes by Bill Maher
They are having a panel look into the intelligence failures in Iraq. It is a seven-person panel and it will include Senator John McCain, but the findings from this panel will not be issued until after the election. President Bush says the commission can go off and report back in a year, you know, the same way it works in the Texas National Guard. ~ Bill Maher
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I have two dogs. If I had retarded children, I'd be a hero. And yet, the dogs are pretty much the same thing. ~ Bill Maher
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You want to spend your millions on a worthless cause? Try donating it to the Democrats. ~ Bill Maher
Bill Maher quotes by Bill Maher
The problem is that the people with the most ridiculous ideas are always the people who are most certain of them.
(The Decider, July 21, 2007) ~ Bill Maher
Bill Maher quotes by Bill Maher
New Rule: Don't name your kid after a ballpark. Cubs fans Paul and Teri Fields have named their newborn son Wrigley. Wrigley Fields. A child is supposed to be an independent individual, not a means of touting your own personal hobbies. At least that's what I've always taught my kids, Panama Red and Jacuzzi. ~ Bill Maher
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I can't stay mad at Pope Frank. I just can't. It's a funny situation that I like the pope and Mel Gibson doesn't. ~ Bill Maher
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Abstinence is a perversion. ~ Bill Maher
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Republicans are taking the defeat over Health Care as well as Tiger Woods took to marriage. ~ Bill Maher
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It's a little strange when you have never been to war, and you eye-roll about a guy who's got shrapnel still in his body, as Chuck Hagel does. ~ Bill Maher
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Donald Rumsfeld also lost his gig last week. When asked what his future plans are, Rumsfeld said, 'What's a plan?' ~ Bill Maher
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You know, we do a lot of complaining here in America. And that itself is something they can't do in a lot of other countries. ~ Bill Maher
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