Bill Hicks Quotes

Why do we put people who are on drugs in jail? They're sick, they're not criminals. Sick people don't get healed in prison. You see? It makes no sense.

The puppet on the right shares my beliefs, the puppet on the left is more to my liking. Hey ... there's one guy holding up both!

What kind of people are these with such low self-esteem that they need a war to feel better about themselves?

On the theft of his material by Denis Leary: I have a scoop for you. I stole his act. I camouflaged it with punchlines, and to really throw people off, I did it before he did.

You think when Jesus comes back, he really wants to see a cross? That's like going up to Jackie Onassis with a rifle pendant on.

That's what I hate about the war on drugs. All day long we see those commercials: "Here's your brain, here's your brain on drugs", "Just Say No", "Why do you think they call it dope?" ... And
then the next commercial is [singing] "This Bud's for yooouuuu." C'mon, everybody, let's be hypocritical bastards. It's okay to drink your drug. We meant those other drugs. Those untaxed
drugs. Those are the ones that are bad for you.

Mushrooms grow on cow turds. I love that. I think that's why you giggle the first hour.

What did moths bump into before the electric light bulb was invented? Boy, the lightbulb really screwed the moth up didn't it? Are there moths on their way to the sun now going, It's gonna be worth it!.

I'm not into those kind of rivalries. I remember standing out in front of Stratford, minding my own business. Carload of about eighty kids would pull up: 'STRATFORD SUCKS!' Am I supposed to run after these guys? I'd just stand there, you know. They'd back up. 'STRATFORD SUCKS! ... STRATFORD SUCKS!' I'd say, 'I know. I go there. You're wasting gas, man.

'Where's Bill going?' He's going to comedy death. Boom! He pops out of it with another joke. It's my particular style.

Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don't know one child with a full time job and children.

I've had good times on drugs ... bad times on drugs ... But I've had good and bad relationships ... and I'm not giving up pussy.

If you're so pro-life, do me a favour: don't lock arms and block medical clinics. If you're so pro-life, lock arms and block cemeteries.

I do not believe making money in order to consume goods is
mankind's sole purpose on this planet. If you're wondering
what I believe our purpose on this planet is, I'll give you
a hint ... it has to do with creating and sharing.

Pot is a better drug than alcohol. I'll prove it to you. You're at a ball game or a concert, and someone's really violent and agressive and obnoxious, are they drunk or are they smoking pot?

I want my rockstars dead.

It seems to me that there will be a point in out development or our evolution where you put your guns aside.

To make marijuana against the law is like saying God made a big mistake.

I was always 'awake' ... Some part of me clamoring for NEW insights and NEW ways to make the world a better place.

Courtroom for Ted Bundy's trial is packed with women, trying to meet him and give him love letters and wedding-f-king-proposals ... and the first thought that enters my mind is, "And I'm not
getting laid." What am I doing wrong?

I'm glad mushrooms are against the law, because I took them one time, and you know what happened to me? I laid in a field of green grass for four hours going, "My God! I love everything." Yeah, now if that isn't a hazard to our country ... how are we gonna justify arms dealing when we realize that we're all one?

I love the Pope, I love seeing him in his Pope-Mobile, his three feet of bullet proof plexi-glass. That's faith in action folks! You know he's got God on his side.

Okay, I got one word to ask you, a one word question, ready?

Writing, acting, music, comedy. A deep love of literature and books. Thank God for all the artists who've helped me.

I've learned a lot about women. I think I've learned exactly how the fall of man occured in the Garden of Eden. Adam and Eve were in the Garden of Eden, and Adam said one day, Wow, Eve, here we are, at one with nature, at one with God, we'll never age, we'll never die, and all our dreams come true the instant that we have them. And Eve said, Yeah ... it's just not enough is it?

Let me tell you about gays in the military. I don't want any gay people hanging around me while I'm killing kids. I just don't want to see it.

Shut up! Go back to bed, America. Your government is in control. Here's Love Connection. Watch this and get fat and stupid.

I believe that God left certain drugs growing naturally upon our planet to help speed up and facilitate our evolution.

I'll tell you how to solve this abortion thing ... Those unwanted babies ... ? Leave about 12 of them on the Supreme Court steps.

I'll smoke, I'll cough, I'll get the tumors, I'll die, deal? Thank you America. [salutes]

As long as one person lives in darkness then it seems to be a responsibility to tell other people.

I believe it is our own misperceptions of who we really are that leads to every self-created hell you'll find in this world.

Pornography is any act that has no artistic merit and causes sexual thoughts ... Sounds like almost every commercial on TV to me.

Is it impossible to imagine Americans sneaking into Mexico en masse, seeking regular employment and a better way of life?

I just have one of those faces. People come up to me and say, 'What's wrong?' Nothing. 'Well, it takes more energy to frown than it does to smile.' Yeah, you know it takes more energy to point that out than it does to leave me alone?

I loved when Bush came out and said, 'We are losing the war against drugs.'
You know what that implies? There's a war being fought, and the people on drugs are winning it.

I'm totally confused about what I'm going to do with my life.

They proved that if you quit smoking, it will prolong your life. What they haven't proved is that a prolonged life is a good thing. I haven't seen the stats on that yet.

That's why I always recommend a psychedelic experience because it makes you realize that all you've learned is in fact just learned and not necessarily the truth.

I believe that there is an equality to all humanity. We all suck.

I hate patriotism ... I can't stand it. It's a round world last time I checked.

The eyes of love see all of us as one.

People always snap and think they're Jesus. How come no one ever snaps and thinks they're Buddha?

The war on drugs to me is absolutely phoney, its so obviously phoney, ok? It's a war against our civil rights, that's all it is. They're using it to make us afraid to go out at night, afraid of each other, so that we lock ourselves in our homes and they get suspending our rights one by one.

I believe the cost of life is Death and we will all pay that in full. Everything else should be a gift.

not all drugs are good.. some of them are great

BTW A 24 week old embryo is not a human being. You're not a human being until you're in my phone book.

I was a weekend drinker ... I'd start on Saturday, end on Friday ... thought I was controlling it ... but I don't drink any more.

People tell me, 'Bill, let it go. The Kennedy assassination was years ago. It was just the assassination of a President and the hijacking of our government by a totalitarian regime - who cares? Just let it go.' I say, 'All right then. That whole Jesus thing? Let it go! It was 2,000 years ago! Who cares?'

Here is my final point ... About drugs, about alcohol, about pornography ... What business is it of yours what I do, read, buy, see, or take into my body as long as I do not harm another human being on this planet? And for those who are having a little moral dilemma in your head about how to answer that question, I'll answer it for you. NONE of your fucking business. Take that to the bank, cash it, and go fucking on a vacation out of my life.

Dinosaur fossils were placed in rocks by prankster God just to make human beings think the world is older than it is.

So I'm over there in England, you know, trying to get news about the [L.A.] riots ... and all these Brit people are trying to sympathize with me ... 'Oh Bill, crime is horrible. Bill, if it's any consolation crime is horrible here, too.' ... Shutup. This is Hobbitown and I am Bilbo Hicks, Okay? This is a land of fairies and elves. You do not have crime like we have crime, but I appreciate you trying to be, you know, Diplomatic. You gotta see English crime. It's hilarious, you don't know if you're reading the front page or the comic section over there. I swear to God. I read an article - front page of the paper - one day, in England: 'Yesterday, some Hooligans knocked over a dustbin in Shafsbry.' Wooooo ... 'The hooligans are loose! The hooligans are loose! What if they become roughians? I would hate to be a dustbin in Shafsbry tonight.

England, where no one has guns: 14 deaths. United States ... 23,000 deaths from handguns. But
there's no connection ...

The world is like a ride in an amusement park, and when you choose to go on it you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. The ride goes up and down, around and around, it has thrills and chills, and it's very brightly colored, and it's very loud, and it's fun for a while. Many people have been on the ride a long time, and they begin to wonder, "Hey, is this real, or is this just a ride?" And other people have remembered, and they come back to us and say, "Hey, don't worry; don't be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride." And we … kill those people. "Shut him up! I've got a lot invested in this ride, shut him up! Look at my furrows of worry, look at my big bank account, and my family. This has to be real." It's just a ride. But we always kill the good guys who try and tell us that, you ever notice that? And let the demons run amok … But it doesn't matter, because it's just a ride. And we can change it any time we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings of money. Just a simple choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one. Here's what we can do to change the world, right now, to a better ride. Take all that money we spend on weapons and defenses each year and instead spend it feeding and clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would pay for many times over, not one human being exclude

I was in a cab in New York. The cab had a sign, "Please do not smoke, Christ is our unseen guest." This guy was reaching. I figure, if he could overcome being nailed to a cross, I don't
think a Marlboro Light's gonna faze him that much.

God has this ... hobby. He creates perfection. This world is not perfect. We have to learn to separate illusions from reality.

You see, Jung had this idea of a Collective Unconscious which mankind shared... and I agree. But! I think this Collective Mind is supposed to be conscious, not unconscious! And that is our job as the Agents of Evolution to enlighten - to bring light into the dark corners of that Netherworld and thus awaken our Mind to Truth and complete the circle that was broken with the dream of our fall from Grace.

Freebird, the mantra of the moron.

I can speak for every guy in this room here tonight. Guys, if you could blow yourselves, ladies, you'd be in this room alone right now. Watching an empty stage.

How come people always flip and think they're Jesus? Why not Buddha? Particularly in America, where more people resemble Buddha than Jesus. 'Ah'm BUDDHA!' 'You're Bubba!' 'Ah'm Buddha now..All I gotta do is change 3 letters on ma belt ...

You want a better world ... ? Legalize pot right now ... end the deficit? Legalize pot right now ... biggest cash crop in America.

If you are living for tomorrow, you will always be one day behind.

I've said all that I've had to say.

Sometimes you feel in control, and it's great, but sometimes you just don't feel in control and you really have to struggle to get laughs.

People in the U.K. share my bemusement with the United States that America doesn't share with itself. They have a sense of irony, which America doesn't have, seeing as it's being run by fundamentalists who take things literally.

It's not that I disagreed with Bush's economic policy ... I believed he was a child of Satan here to destroy the planet ...

We are losing the 'War on Drugs,' which means there's a war going on and people on drugs are winning it.

[Comedy] is an escape from illusions. The audience is ... thinking, 'This bullshit we see and hear all day makes no sense.'

No one knows what it's like ... to be a dustbin ... in Shaftesbury ... with hooligans ...

That's what I'm gonna do: quit gradually ... I'm gonna lose one lung; little while later I'm gonna lose the other one.

Marijuana grows naturally ... Don't you think making nature against the law seems a bit, I don't know, unnatural?

The American dream is a crock. Stop wanting everything. Everyone should wear jeans and have three T-shirts, eat rice and beans.

I got this big fear of doing smoking jokes in my act and showing up five years from now goin' [puts mic to his neck and speaks as if he had a mechanical larynx] 'good evening everybody,
remember me, smoking's bad. [puts cigarette to neck and mimics smoking it] Eeww. You ever seen somebody do that? I've seen someone do that. Let me tell you something - if you're smoking out
of a hole in your neck [mimics it again] I'd think about quitting. And that's just me, ya know.

Watching television is like taking black spray paint to your third eye.

You ever noticed how people who believe in Creationism look really un-evolved? You ever noticed that? Eyes real close together, eyebrow ridges, big furry hands and feet. "I believe God created me in one day". Yeah, looks like He rushed it

It's great to be here. I thank you. Ah, I've been on the road doing comedy for ten years now, so bear with me while I plaster on a fake smile and plough through this shit one more time.

No one can give you any answers. There aren't any. You have to discover for yourself-you must learn to navigate the mystery.

Christianity has a built-in defense system: anything that questions a belief, no matter how logical the argument is, is the work of Satan by the very fact that it makes you question a belief. It's a very interesting defense mechanism and the only way to get by it
and believe me, I was raised Southern Baptist
is to take massive amounts of mushrooms, sit in a field, and just go, "Show me.".

Listen, the next revolution is gonna be a revolution of ideas.

I am available for children's parties, by the way ...

I can't believe a war against drugs when they have anti-drug commercials on TV all day long followed by This Bud is for you.

We are the facilitators of our own creative evolution.

They believe the bible is the exact word of God - Then they change the bible! Pretty presumptuous, hu huh? "I think what God meant to say ... "

No, I don't do drugs anymore, either. But I'll tell you something about drugs. I used to do drugs, but I'll tell you something honestly about drugs, honestly, and I know it's not a very popular idea, you don't hear it very often anymore, but it is the truth: I had a great time doing drugs. Sorry. Never murdered anyone, never robbed anyone, never raped anyone, never beat anyone, never lost a job, a car, a house, a wife or kids, laughed my ass off, and went about my day.

It's all about money, not freedom. If you think you're free, try going somewhere without money, okay?

I'm just skin covering coffee and some real nervous teeth.

I ascribe to Mark Twain's theory that the last person who should be President is the one who wants it the most. The one who should be picked is the one who should be dragged kicking and screaming into the White House.

To me pornography is ... spending all your money and not educating the people in America, but spending it instead on weapons.

I was walking through Central Park, and I saw an old man smoking. Nothing makes a smoker happier than to see an old person smoking. This guy was ancient, bent over a walker, puffing away. I'm like, "Duuude, you're my hero! Guy your age smoking, man, it's great." He goes, "What? I'm 28.

Mummy, I woke today and there was a Lincoln Log in me sock drawer! ... That's the story of Jesus.

How many of y'all wondered, like I did, during the LA riots when those people were being pulled out of their trucks and beaten half to death - step on the f***ing gas, man! They're on foot, you're in a truck - I think I see a way out of this.

I used to drink, I did. I had to quit. Man, I was an embarrassing drunk. I'd get pulled over by the cops, I'd be so drunk I'd be out dancing in their lights thinking I'd made it to the next club.

Be yourself on stage. Nobody else can be you and you have the law of supply and demand covered.

Yesterday, some hooligans knocked over a dustbin in Shaftesbury.

I'm a heavy smoker. I go through two lighters a day.

We really are All One ... this is the very philosophy that has kept me virtually anonymous in America for fifteen years.

How about a positive LSD story? Wouldn't that be news-worthy, just the once? To base your decision on information rather than scare tactics and superstition and lies? I think it would be news-worthy.

The definition of black irony is Pro-lifers killing Doctors who do abortions

People in the United Kingdom and outside the United States share my bemusement with the United States that America doesn't share with itself.

I go to dance clubs ... about once a year just to justify the other 364 days I spend in my apartment going 'God, what idiots!'