Ellen DeGeneres Famous Quotes
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It's hard to understand failure when you're going through it, but in the grand scheme of things it's good to fall down - not because you're drunk and not near stairs.
I don't know what people are scared of ... maybe they think their children will be influenced by gay marriage, but I've got to tell you, I was raised by two heterosexuals. Everywhere I looked - heterosexuals. And they did not influence me. It's time we love people for who they are and let them love who they want.
The only thing I really recommend, if you're starting out in stand-up is to not try to copy anybody else. You can be influenced by people. I was influenced by Steve Martin and Bob Newhart and Woody Allen, but I never tried to be someone else. I always tried to be myself. And the reason people are successful is they're unique.
Here are the values that I stand for: honesty, equality, kindness, compassion, treating people the way you want to be treated and helping those in need. To me, those are traditional values.
Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer.
It would be horrible to live with someone who didn't like the same things you like.
I think there's too much mult-tasking going on. I think people need to quiet down and focus and be still more.
My name is Ellen and I'm a vegetarian. Just to add another label to me: I am a lesbian, aquarian and vegetarian. I've said it ...
I stand for honesty, equality, kindness, compassion, treating people the way you want to be treated & helping those in need. To me, those are traditional values. That's what I stand for.
You never know what funny can do.
If there weren't blacks, Jews and gays, there would no Oscars. Or anyone named Oscar, if you think about that.
There is something about TM. It is the only time
I have that stillness ... It gives me this peaceful
feeling-I just love it so much.
The word "yoga" literally means "uniting", because when you're doing it you are uniting your mind and your body. You can tell this almost immediately because your mind will be thinking, "Ouch, that hurts," and your body will say, "I know." And your mind will think, "You have to get out of this position." And your body will say, "I agree with you, but I can't right now. I think I'm stuck.
It's so much better for me to do a talk show. You still have that energy of the audience, and the audience is just as important as that guest that's sitting next to me. It's not about me and that guest exchanging energy and talking. It's about everything that's going on in that room, and they're as much a part of the show as anything. I like this better than anything I've ever done.
I never see the glass half empty because I drink out the bottle
(I don't know why the word "mustache" exists, though. Can't we just call it lip hair?)
You listen to any monologue on late-night TV or just in general, to people talking, and there's always a joke at someone's expense. It's sarcasm; it's nasty. Kids grow up hearing that, and they think that's what humor is, and they think it's OK. But that negativity permeates the entire planet.
My life is perfect even when it's not.
Laugh. Laugh as much as you can. Laugh until you cry. Cry until you laugh. Keep doing it even if people are passing you on the street saying, "I can't tell if that person is laughing or crying, but either way they seem crazy, let's walk faster." Emote. It's okay. It shows you are thinking and feeling.
I was raised around heterosexuals, as all heterosexuals are, that's where us gay people come from ... you heterosexuals.
I wonder what will happen if i put a hand cream on my feet, will they get confused and start clapping?
Procrastinate now, don't put it off.
I see those picketers, and I think you know, if I weren't a loving, non-violent, spiritual person, I would really go over there and grab those signs and smash them over their heads and shove them up their asses. But ... I'm a loving, spiritual person.
We should be grateful for them because without our family - the ancestors we descend from, the cousins we see once a year, the loves our lives we see every day - life is pretty boring.
I know there's always going to be feedback no matter what the subject. I am shocked by somebody commenting on my shoes or my clothes. Everyone has an opinion, everyone is logging about everything and has an opinion. So I can't possibly pay attention to that.
Be kind to one another. Bye, bye.
I was raised very, very strictly with Christian Science. I didn't have a shot or an aspirin or anything until I was 13 years old. We had to go to church, do testimonies every Wednesday night. I think all religion is based on what happens after this life. You live a certain way so that when you die, things can be good. But why can't things be good now? Why can't you understand that you're in heaven now? That's how I live. I believe in God. I think that God is everywhere. Every morning I look outside, and I say, "Hi, God." Because I think that the trees are God. I think that our whole experience is God.
I get paid very well for an amazing, amazing life. I'm blessed.
The only way a no-legged leopard could hurt you is if it fell out of a tree onto your head.
For someone like me, who loves to sweat and push herself, it's a challenge to slow down, to sit, to breathe and hold poses.
When life gives you lemons ... they could really be oranges.
I love Jesus but I drink alittle- Gladis Hardy from the Ellen Show
It is better to give than to receive." - Liars
I know that experts say you're more likely to get hurt crossing the street than you are flying, but that doesn't make me any less frightened of flying. If anything, it makes me more afraid of crossing the street.
I was coming home from kindergarten - well they told me it was kindergarten. I found out later I had been working in a factory for ten years. It's good for a kid to know how to make gloves.
I cannot imagine not going home to animals. They are the closest thing to God; they don't harbor resentment. I wanted to be a vet when I grew up.
We need more kindness, more compassion, more joy, more laughter.
Beauty is about being comfortable in your own skin. It's about knowing and accepting who you are.
When we were growing up our parents somehow made it clear that being famous was good. And I mistakenly thought that if I was famous then everyone would love me.
I get my dance moves from just moving around and listening to music and not really worrying about if it's perfect or not.
I have a terrible problem with procrastination ... a friend told me, "Well, you should go to therapy." And I thought about it, but then I said, "Wait a minute. Why should I pay a stranger to listen to me talk when I can get strangers to pay to listen to me talk?" And that's when I got the idea of touring.
We use only 10% of our brains ... Imagine how smart we would be if we used the other 60%!
Romance often begins by a splashing waterfall and ends over a leaky sink.
If we don't want to define ourselves by things as superficial as our appearances, we're stuck with the revolting alternative of being judged by our actions.
That's what life is all about. There's a lot of crying. So you'd better cry now and get used to it.
Asking who's the 'man' and who's the 'woman' in a same-sex relationship is like asking which chopstick is the fork.
There are people who study germs. I believe they are called Germans
You talk to some people who are opposed to same sex marriage, and they'll say, 'If we allow that, what's next? Will people want to marry animals?' ... You have to wonder about people who go straight to that idea
and they think WE'RE weird!
I had no intention of becoming a comedian. I just wanted to make people happy. I tried everything-I shucked oysters, I painted houses, I sold vacuum cleaners. But there was always a voice saying, You should be doing something different. And it was usually my boss and I was being fired.
I like sitting at outdoor restaurants; it would be nice to go someplace on the street and not worry about somebody taking my picture while I'm about to take a bite of something.
I gotta work out. I keep saying it all the time. I keep saying I gotta start working out. Its been about two months since I've worked out. And I just don't have the time. Which uh..is odd. Because I have the time to go out to dinner. And uh..and watch TV. And get a bone density test. And uh.. try to figure out what my phone number spells in words.
Now,I'm no scientist,but I know what endorphins are. They're tiny little magical elves that swim through your blood stream and tell funny jokes to each other. When they reach your brain,you hear what they're saying and that boosts your health and happiness. "Knock Knock ... Who's There?.. Little endorphin ... Little endorphin who? ... Little Endorphin Annie." And then the endorphins laugh and then you laugh. See? Its Science.
Above all things physical, it is more important to be beautiful on the inside - to have a big hear and an open mind and a spectacular spleen.
Do things that make you happy within the confines of the legal system.
Why is it that when you wipe up dust its called dusting but when you wipe up a spill its not called spilling? Just something to think about.
Just go up to somebody on the street and say 'You're it!' and then run away.
I'm a comedian, and I definitely see the humor in a lot of things. I am also sad a lot. I cry often and easily. I think you're supposed to feel all kinds of things.
You know, there's probably a lot of moisture in caves, too, which would be bad for my hair. And all those sharp edges. I wouldn't want to move. I'd just sit in the cave all day long and think about how scared I was to
Comedy can be, especially in a writer's room, really aggressive, kind of a very male-dominated room, and it would be hard for women. It's not a nurturing place. It's not like a lot of women are going to say, I can't wait to live that lifestyle and be in a writer's room until 2 or 3 a.m.
Catch-and-release, that's like running down pedestrians in your car and then, when they get up and limp away, saying
'Off you go! That's fine. I just wanted to see if I could hit you.'
I think I let go of the need for approval, ... It certainly feels good when you get it, but I used to be more desperate for it. Once I felt better inside about myself ... I could do everything based on how I want to do things.
I think furniture is art. I don't think art is just for your walls - I think everything that someone has made is a piece of art.
What would bug the Taliban more than seeing a gay woman in a suit surrounded by Jews?
I've learned 2 things about tv. It's always easier with vodka & SOME OF THE BEST SINGERS ARE FROM THE PHILIPPINES
That woman in the shampoo commercial - she's happy. She's ... she's too happy.
Life is short. If you doubt me, ask a butterfly. Their average life span is a mere five to fourteen days.
So, I bought a new CD and I was trying to get it open but couldn't with all the layers ... I mean plastic and then tape, and the tape is like government tape. It says 'open here.' Is that sarcasm?
Life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The thing everyone should realize is that the key to happiness is being happy by yourself and for yourself. Happiness comes from within. You have the power to change your own mindset so that all the negative, horrible thoughts that try to invade your psyche are replaced with happy, positive, wonderful thoughts.
If you want to get rid of stuff, you can always do a good spring-cleaning. Or you can do what I do. Move.
One time I actually cleaned out my closet so good I ended up on the cover of Time magazine.
Slow down your mind. Slower. Think about how slow you have to drive when there's someone on a bicycle in front of you in the middle of your lane. Are you annoyed? Don't be.
The first person I learned I could make happy with laughter was my mother, whom I idolize. It was a powerful thing to realize. I knew I had found my life's work.
Some people believe that to find happiness, you should live each day of your life as if it's your last because that way you will appreciate every single moment you have. Other people believe that you should live each day as if it's your first because then every day can be the beginning of a new journey.
I still get scared at night. Every tiny creak, every little noise, I open my eyes real wide and listen with them. Have you noticed that? When it's dark and you can't see a thing, you open your eyes really wide and glance back and force, like your eyes become your ears?
It was the hardest time of my life, but the best part of my journey.
So many people prefer to live in drama because it's comfortable. It's like someone staying in a bad marriage or relationship - it's actually easier to stay because they know what to expect every day, versus leaving and not knowing what to expect.
There would be nothing to get me to run for president. I don't even understand how anyone would want that job at all. Although I would be able to play golf which I don't seem to have time now.
lost all of those things and you had to live in a cave all
Haters are my motivators
I think the hard thing about this job [stand-up] I mean, I think this part is great but that the traveling is y'know, 'cause 'cause I'm gone a lot from home and this time I'm out for three-and-a-half weeks without going home, and that's hard, to be gone three-and-a-half weeks 'cause then I have to ask my friends, Would you mind going to the house and watering the plants, and turn some lights on and make it look like somebody's home, and make sure that the mobile over the crib isn't tangled or the baby's gonna get bored ...
It's our challenges and obstacles that give us layers of depth and make us interesting. Are they fun when they happen? No. But they are what make us unique. And that's what I know for sure ... I think.
We're all different people and we're allowed to be different from one another. If someone ever says you're weird, say thank you. And then curtsy. No, don't curtsy. That might be too weird. Bow. And tip your imaginary hat. That'll show them.
I just feel like every kid is growing up too fast and they're seeing too much. Everything is about sex, and that's fine for me. I'm not saying I don't like it. But I don't think it should be everywhere, where kids are exposed to everything sexual. Because they have to have some innocence; there's just no innocence left.
I wanted to have money; I wanted to be special; I wanted people to like me; I wanted to be famous.
Here's the analogy. If my body were a car, I'd be thinking about trading it in around now. I would like to upgrade. I would be actually on the lot somewhere and some guy with a loud sports jacket would be sizing me up ... kinda lookin' around goin
maybe kickin my knees. Looking behind me going: That looks a little bashed in back there ... Yeah. You mind if I check under the hood? 'Well yes I do! Thank you very much.
People are constantly asking Portia and me if we are going to have children. We thought about it. We love to be around children after they've been fed and bathed. But we ultimately decided that we don't want children of our own. There is far too much glass in our house.
I'm not going to say who looks the most beautiful, but it's clear. It's Jared Leto. I mean, he's the prettiest. Boy is he pretty
Who's to say what's better or worse anyway? Who's to even say what's normal or average? We're all different people and we're allowed to be different from on another. If someone ever says you're weird, say thank you. And then curtsy. No, don't curtsy. That might be too weird. Bow. And tip your imaginary hate. That'll show them.
I'd like to be more patient! I just want everything now. I've tried to meditate, but it's really hard for me to stay still. I'd like to try to force myself to do it, because everybody says how wonderful meditation is for you, but I can't shut my mind up. So patience and learning is the key.
I was doing stand-up at a restaurant and there was a chalkboard on the street out front. It said, Soup of the Day: Cream of Asparagus. Ellen DeGeneres.
Here's a professional tip: If you have to say you're kidding, it might not be a great joke.
Though you feel you're not where you're suppose to be, you shouldn't worry because that next turn that you take, it will lead you to where you wanna go.
One rough patch is not the big picture.
Most comedy is based on getting a laugh at somebody else's expense. And I find that that's just a form of bullying in a major way. So I want to be an example that you can be funny and be kind, and make people laugh without hurting somebody else's feelings.
The way I see it ... If you need both of your hands for whatever it is you're doing, then your brain should probably be in on it too.
All of my friends were seeing a therapist, and I thought something was wrong with me that I didn't see a therapist. So I went to a therapist to find out why I wasn't seeing a therapist. And it turns out I'm very screwed up. Thank God I found a therapist to tell me for $125 an hour.
No one is perfect, except for Penélope Cruz.
Quick decision makers are often stuck behind annoying people in line at Starbucks.
The only thing that scares me more than space aliens is the idea that there aren't any space aliens. We can't be the best that creation has to offer. I pray we're not all there is. If so, we're in big trouble.
I'm glad I'm funny. I'm glad I make people happy, because that's very important. But I'm proud to be known as a kind person.