Doug Stanhope Quotes

Don't fucking work hard, dummy, you die at the end! Didn't anyone tell you?

Every 17 seconds a child dies on this planet from no clean drinking water. Good. Let's try to speed it up ... there are too many people.

I've never tried to drive my career in any particular direction. I've always been an in-the-moment, live-for-today guy. I've never had a goal, and nearly everything I've done has been an accident. I just play to me, and if I can amuse myself, I consider it a victory.

If you start to smell some of the shit, you start smelling all of the shit

I don't like life that much. It's not that big a deal for me ... I don't want to know I have cancer till it's visible to the naked eye.

The Unbookables are supposed to be unbookable. That's what it's all about.

Even your religious friends do not want to hear about God during a medical diagnosis.

I go on stage, it's like I'm leading you into battle; you are not all going to be here at the end.

I don't like being in the UK for every other reason aside from the show. It's aesthetically uncomfortable to me on almost every level for reasons that might sound petty but I can't get past. The audiences are far more challenging and while I wouldn't say I prefer it, I certainly need it to ward off my inherent laziness.

I love when you get boner spam for boner pills and the subject is Be a better lover. Oh, the boner was the problem on that? That's why I'm a bad lover? Do you have a pill that's gonna make me care if she cums? That would be a medical miracle.

You forget, when you're in the Scandinavian countries, you forget they don't speak English first and they speak better than I do.

The whole institution of marriage itself really has no place in a progressive society.

The first five times that you bang someone and the last million times are two different worlds.

Courts and camps are the only places to learn the world in.

I drink every night. But I don't hang out and party. Not that I'm selling out Madison Square Garden, but in the old days after a show you could hang out with a few people. But now you're hanging around with 20 people, all of whom don't know each other, and they're all, "Leave my outgoing greeting on my voice mail, man, come on!"

I am a very mediocre intellect, at best, and I am smarter than most people I know - and that terrifies me.

They say 'life is precious'. To who? To you, when you're young and you've got a few dollars in your pocket. Tell that to the 90-year-old lying awake at the graveyard shift in the nursing home, groaning with dementia. The only reason he hasn't killed himself is that he hasn't figured out a way he can do it with pudding.

There are some occasions in which a man must tell half his secret, in order to conceal the rest; but there is seldom one in which a man should tell all. Great skill is necessary to know how far to go, and where to stop.

America takes credit for giving you freedom that you had anyway. It's like going to a wedding and putting your tag on somebody elses box.

If I was a freak of nature ... Hell yeah I wanna do freak shows! I don't wanna be applying for jobs at the mall.

I immediately split the crowd. I thought about coming on every night and shouting, Gay pride, white power! just to confuse people.

People talk to you and they try to convince you that they like what they do just because it sucks less than what they used to do ... which sucked a lot.

Just for being a religion at all you're as complicit as the rest in the retardation of the human intellectual progress.

What if I don't want a leader? Where does that vote go? I do good on my own. I don't want to be led.

A lot of the Olympic games just boil down to genetics. Michael Phelps is genetically built to swim better than other people if he trains the same way. You might as well have a competition for who's the tallest, and act like it's anyone's game!

That place is so behind the times, you can't even get AIDS there yet.

The more business gets involved, the less fun it is.

You do bits and you fake anger and you write a bit and you have passion for it. Then you do it too many times and you have to work up the anger ... and I've never had to do that with Dr. Drew Pintsky. Dr. Drew is to medicine what David Blaine is to science.

At least black people knew when they were slaves; you remain clueless.

High definition ruined a lot of things that I used to hold sacrosanct in pornography.

Your instinct is your true god. Follow it.

Religious tolerance. No! Zero tolerance for any type of religion.

People wrestle alligators but not once has someone done it without an audience.

It's our flaws who make us who we are.

There's no such thing as addiction, there's only things that you enjoy doing more than life.

It was either me or Confucius that said the journey of a thousand miles begins with a vicious ass raping at airport security.

Steal my stuff off the internet wherever you can and don't apologize. Buy the CDs and DVDs from my site and feel free to burn 'em and share 'em. Then come to the show.

You can never really, truly, understand discrimination unless you've been fuckin' ugly. Ugly people face as much, or more, discrimination than any fuckin' minority group, and they have none of the ... recourse ... You don't have any group that's going to come together and fight for your rights ... 'cause there's no unity among the ugly ... And ugly isn't even a minority! We're the fuckin' majority, and we still take the fuckin' backseat!
...
Any minority would rather be called the worst racial slur according to their group than pointed out as unattractive: someone calls you a nigger, a lot of people fuckin' bunch up around you and go 'what the fuck you say to him?!'; someone calls you dog-dick-fuckin'-ugly, you wear that all by yourself.

I have the kind of show that reminds you of your problems, and then I talk about other problems you didn't even know you had until tonight.

Get the right to marry - and then don't.

Pussy really is the ultimate motivator of all mankind. No, don't clap, this is a flaw in the system!

It is a great advantage for any man to be able to talk or hear, neither ignorantly nor absurdly, upon any subject; for I have known people, who have not said one word, hear ignorantly and absurdly; it has appeared by their inattentive and unmeaning faces.

I've been doing a lot of drugs in the last few weeks and drinking less, and I feel much better.

When I used to drive on the road from L. A., one time in Arizona we went off-road to see what weird little towns are around. Loved Bisbee.

Why even moon a sorority girl if they can't see the swingy egg bag part of it?

I used to be a partier, now I'm an alcoholic. It's all in who's judging you.

I've had six or eight hookers in my life. I never woke up the next day thinking man I'm glad I got a hooker last night.

Mutations are exciting, there aren't nearly enough of them.

I have no fear of death, except I hate waiting for it.

Don't eat a mushroom stem and see colors, eat the whole bag and see GOD

I don't ever want to become Bill Maher where I have to find some strong opinion on something just because it's in the news. That's the guy that comes off like you have to be angry every week about new topics and snotty about something. That's what I'm trying to avoid.

"This is Lakshmi Singh." It's like a tadpole dying in muck. Take a drink. Wet your mouth.

The revolution I was starting where I thought I could yell at 200 people in a bar every night and change the world didn't quite happen.

Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist.

I have a picture I keep in my wallet of my father's corpse ... I keep that picture in my wallet to show people who show me baby pictures.

Unfortunately this is where comedy works, where people are the most miserable.

I was terrified when my doctor told me that I had a unique and interesting personality trait, but then he told me about new Zoloft or Prozac and now I just take three pills a day and I blend right into this horrible inbred corporate landscape.

When you consider the overpopulation in this world ... homosexuality is completely underrated in this society.

What ever happened to freak shows? Back in the twenties when elephant man was born at least he had a job waiting for him.

If you need a baby that bad, go down to the pound and get one. Not even a baby - go get an old man. There's unwanted people of all ages, pre-made and waiting for you.

Sex and children are the two things that delude logic the most in this society.

AA makes Scientology look credible,

There's times to be dainty and times to be a pig.

Anything that I don't understand or can't do is stupid.

I'm a bit of a potty mouth. My dad used to wash out my mouth with soap, but that was just to get rid of any traces of his DNA.

I don't know. Both my parents are dead. So? Wait, I got pictures of their corpses in my wallet. I had them blown up as murals. Here.

I watched 60 Minutes ... and they showed this woman, she's in every kind of..thing like that. 'This woman', they say, 'she lost her first four children
died from malnutrition
and, now, she's afraid that her new six-month-old newborn twins will suffer the same fate' ... Who's going to step in and say ... 'kick her in the cunt 'til it doesn't work', 'that woman is a sociopath! that is a sick human being!' ... How much of a sociopath do you need to be? That is the slow ritual torture-murder of children, one after another! At what point does cause-and-effect not kick in? How many bulb-headed skeletons have to go stiff in your arms?! ... 'what? this one's not working ... oh, well let's try again', one after another. At what point do you not go 'I think this is bad'? ... How many kids are you going to fuckin' kill, lady? ... If you impregnate someone under those conditions, they should abort the parents! that's sick!

If you get made fun of working at Pier One Imports, you can't pelt them with poop.

Drugs support terrorism? No, your SUV supports terrorism.

I kept a picture of me kissing my dad's corpse on the forehead in my wallet for years. I'd break it out any time someone showed me a baby picture, just so they would know how it ends.

Life's temporary for a reason; it gets boring after a while.

Every vice is already a punishment in itself ... you don't need a ticket on top of it.

The characteristic of a well-bred man is, to converse with his inferiors without insolence, and with his superiors with respect and with ease.

I was 23 with a mullet doing lots of jerk-off material.I can't look at the old tapes now.

Abortion is green! I think its irrefutable, but people don't want to hear that. For most people, having children is an instinctual, natural desire and the last thing they want to do is believe that it has any detrimental side, or if they do believe it, they think it's different for them because they live in a gated community or whatever the reason ...

If I die soon, don't ever say I died too young.

I recommend to you, in my last, an innocent piece of art: that of flattering people behind their backs, in presence of those who, to make their own court, much more than for your sake, will not fail to repeat, and even amplify, the praise to the party concerned. This is of all flattery the most pleasing, and consequently the most effectual.

My first open mic, I drank a full pitcher of beer by myself. I wasn't afraid of being in front of people as much as, Is this funny?

I need you to love me, I don't like me, either, if that helps.

I don't have a gun. But I think they level the playing field. I accept that there's really nothing you can do about it. It's like nuclear weapons; if they exist then eventually other people are going to have them. Maybe just take away people's motivation to use them.

I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet.

The ultimate act of cowardice is the fat-headed wrestling guy sitting behind the frail kid in math class, clipping him on the ear, saying: 'What are you going to do about that, faggot?' That is cowardice. When the bullets start flying past that jock's saucer-shaped ears, that's not cowardice. That's payback.

What I've lost in years I've gained in wisdom. Bullshit, I haven't learnt one thing in the last 15 years that hasn't just depressed me more.

If you tell me you are going to kill yourself, I'm not going to try to talk you out of it.

Abject flattery and indiscriminate assentation degrade, as much as indiscriminate contradiction and noisy debate disgust. But a modest assertion of one's own opinion, and a complaisant acquiescence in other people's, preserve dignity.

I love conspiracy theories. I used to just live on it. You know it's all hype and garbage, but you're still really paranoid afterwards. It's fun entertainment.

Artists who say that they're artists: usually people who need a job.

Everything that is going to kill you is extremely appetizing.

Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive. It makes it so you could care less that they're ugly.

Nothing against comedy clubs, they work. But when you're sitting with a tablecloth and a candle and an appetizer menu, three-drink minimum, it can feel more like a dinner theater than a live experience.

Some of the best nights in your life will never make it onto your Wikipedia page. Stop worrying about your credits and consider enjoying the day.
You die at the end.

I'm forty four; I'm way closer to dead than I am life of the party.

When I say that asian women are beautiful it's not a sexual thing. I'm not being degrading, I find them sexually repulsive.

Before you ask for the people to rise up and take what's theirs, meet the people, because they're really, really, bafoons.

I'm not a marijuana user, so I always feel kind of fraudulent. I applaud this, I do recreational drugs, but marijuana's never one of those. People think because I talk about drugs, that I smoke pot. But I don't.

There's nothing funnier than getting a death threat via MySpace. Why don't you just write it in a children's birthday card.

Sex is a very narrow avenue. You only have so many holes and parts, and eventually, you run out of things to do.

Controversial issues are always more interesting but I don't create material about a subject I have opinion on just because it's controversial. The most fun is having a point of view that the audience is generally against and presenting an argument that challenges their thinking.

So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps.

There's only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs.