Truisms Humor Quotes

Just because someone's a pain in the ass in life, doesn't mean when they're dead, we shouldn't be respectful. ~ M. Judeth Nelson

Belatedly, Clary recalled something. "I thought you guys said only some of the vampire bikes could fly?" ... [Jace:]"Only some of them can!" "How did you know this was one of them?" "I didn't!" he shouted gleefully ... ~ Cassandra Clare

Simon laughed heartily. "I'm afraid the rest of us have to find talents to get our women into bed. Of course once they're there, I have other talents that keep them right where they are."
"Handcuffs hardly count," Christian said offhandedly.
"If you mean the ladies cuffing me to the bed so they can explore Hunt Island," he said, rubbing his chest, " ... then point taken. These hands are capable of making any female climax by the mere brush of a pinky across her bare breast."
"I must have gone to the wrong island," I said with a private laugh. ~ Dannika Dark

You can't drive them around in the getaway van.' 'How about we don't call it the getaway van? People might get suspicious.' 'So what should we call it?' 'How about the van?' 'It doesn't change what it is and that it's a shitty thing to do. Someone might see them in it. ~ Cath Crowley

Women can't resist a man with strong squeezing hands. Tells us you must be great at, oh, I don't know…making juice. Opening jars. Crushing beer cans. ~ Meg Maguire

The general plot of life is sometimes shaped by the different ways genuine intelligence combines with equally genuine ignorance. ~ Lucy Grealy

I wouldn't be comfortable, but at least I'd have marginal protection against pointy steel objects that went stab in the night. ~ Lisa Shearin

You should never assume. You know what happens when you assume. You make an ass out of you and me because that's how it's spelled. ~ Ellen DeGeneres

Trick." I say a little louder.
"Shhh, sleep baby." He mumbles. I laugh and smack his arm.
"Wake up. I can feel your morning wood." This gets his attention and he sits up, taking me with him. The arms wrapped around my middle graze my breasts as he shifts up and a tingle shoots straight between my legs.
"God, Caroline, I'm so ... " He stops, probably realizing that he doesn't have morning wood, "I don't have ... " He's actually pretty cute all sleepy. He laughs.
"I know but I couldn't figure out how else to get your attention." I shrug. ~ K. Larsen

When you see me in a scarf you may think "Oh, she went to some trouble there." But no, when I wear a scarf it means" this grey blouse was unwrinkled and those mocha pants make my behind look fine and voila I have a vivid grey,brown and white silk scarf which means I have transformed self from bone lazy to coordinated accessory maven.
Bridget Allison (Gretchen Gallen in my book#3, "Maid in Waiting" publish date June 2014) ~ Bridget Allison

If trailing along with me is boring you," she said, "you could go check on Books and Maldynado in the real estate office."
He did not speak at first, and she thought he might be considering it, but then he said, "My presence unnerves Books."
"Your presence unnerves everyone."
Amaranthe grinned over her shoulder to soften the comment. "Not you," Sicarius said.
"No, but I'm told my sanity is questionable." She wriggled her eyebrows at him. ~ Lindsay Buroker

Humor is a way for them to deal with the hardships they will soon face ~ Anonymous

Cookie&Charley Coffee moments:
"You did your dishes with shampoo?"
"It was either that or my apricot body scrub."
"No, good call. A little shampoo won't hurt you. ~ Darynda Jones

Phoebe doesn't quite believe in fate the way I do. She says you have to chase your destiny, and she always expects life to be like a romantic comedy: all you have to do is dress the part of the heroine, and pretty soon you'll be kissing some hottie while fountains spew and music swells in the background. ~ Lauren Morrill

He did a very good impression of a stone column. ~ Shannon Hale

The face that greeted me, however, was far from welcoming, it was a miniature stick insect of a woman with wiry white hair and enormous glasses that emphasized her heavily wrinkled face. She blinked twice and looked me up and down. By the look on her face, she wasn't that impressed with what she saw. "Who is it, Ethel?"
She responded, "It's some homeless woman. She looks like she needs money and a good wash."
And I thought I'd already reached the lowest point of my day. ~ Suzanne Kelman

There are no normal people, there are just different kinds of weird, all of it is human and all humanity is better than everything inhuman. So I urge you to keep expressing yourself as honestly as you can, and know that the backpedals and second-guesses really aren't necessary - they don't hurt but they're wasting your time - because when you are truly human, as we all are, and when that is your honest message to anyone, you are beyond reproach, there is no way to screw it up. ~ Dan Harmon

I think that making love is the best form of exercise. ~ Cary Grant

Consider this a fair warning. ~ Stieg Larsson

You are the light of the world. Shine brightly. Smile beautifully! Rejoice daily! ~ Brenda M. McGraw

In the way this strange gentleman was going on, he would leave the world without having done any good to himself or anybody else. ~ Jules Verne

I'm not saying I was scared. Okay, I was scared. He had an MP5. I had a Nikon. ~ Joel C. Rosenberg

People who leave their drugs in a bathroom the guests use are just asking for trouble. ~ Stephen King

I not only use all the brains that I have, but all I can borrow. ~ Woodrow Wilson

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one? ~ Steven Wright

A women can run, hide, play and have fun but she will shine far better when she just smiles without none. ~ Santosh Kalwar

I must try this again, I thought; I must try again someday to sit still and not say a word. Maybe when I'm dead. ~ Nora Ephron

So what's the point of it all?"
"Seriously?" I asked. "Seriously? You're asking me for the meaning of life? Isn't that a little stereotypical?"
"Well it's a reasonable question," you persisted. ~ Andy Weir

Well, I've always wanted to call my son Barr."
"Like a tavern? Like a soap?"
"My father's name is Barr."
"Oh. And I love it! ~ Brian K. Vaughan

A lollipop is a cross between hard candy and garbage. ~ Mitch Hedberg

Tea. He watched her while she made it, made it, of course, all wrong: the water not on the boil, the teapot unheated, too few leaves. She said, I never quite understand why English people like teas so. ~ Graham Greene

I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it". ~ Rodney Dangerfield

The real problem with us Africans is our inability to recognize the saviors among us
Being confident is often confused with proudness
The West may look smarter collectively, but in actual fact the greatness can be traced back to a handful of people who had the brain waves and courage to invent great things of value.
It's never too late. ~ Peter Ojo

Just like a woman to do things on her own time. ~ Susan Lower

Disbelief in magic can force a poor soul into believing in government and business. ~ Tom Robbins

Good humor and laughter are far too wonderful not to come straight from the heart of God. ~ Beth Moore

Eyes on hers, he flicked her shoulder. Her mouth fell open.
She started stomping the floor.
"What in God's name are you doing?" he demanded.
"Trying to kill the giant tarantula, because the only reason I can figure you just fucking flicked me is because there was a big, fat spider on my shoulder. ~ J.D. Robb

What time should I come stalk you tomorrow?"
"Six-thirty?" She says breathlessly.
"Six-thirty sounds good." Six-thirty is my new favorite
time of day. ~ Colleen Hoover

The moment seemed endless, but it was probably only half that. ~ Steve Toltz

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase? ~ Steven Wright

I had a dream about you; I've had multiple dreams about you. If I had to choose between the real you and the dream you then…Goodnight. ~ Rodney Jenkins

Someone once said writing and gardening are similar pursuits. Tell you what, I'd have one fucked up garden if that were the case. ~ Carla H. Krueger

Challenge is tough. It needs efforts, energy and time. ~ Joseph Finder

The truth is schizophrenic and has as many faces as there are people. ~ Roel Hollander

You're enjoying this, aren't you?"
I'd feel better if I could guard your back."
You're going to do that with a rifle from the closest hill, remember."
Night vision and scope, fine, but I can't kill them all from a distance."
You couldn't kill them all if you were johnny on the spot, either," I said.
No but I'd feel better."
Worried about me?" He shrugged.
I'm your bodyguard. If you die under my protection, the other bodyguards will make fun of me." It took me a second to realize he was making a joke. Harley looked back at him with an almost surprised look. I don't think either of us heard humor from Edward much. ~ Laurell K. Hamilton

What is there," Owain wondered aloud, to the sky above him and the soil below, "persuades this man still that my words do not mean what they seem to mean in sane men's ears? ~ Edith Pargeter

And as the wicked are always ungrateful, and necessity leads to evil doing, and immediate advantage overcomes all considerations of the future, Ginés, who was neither grateful nor well-principled, made up his mind to steal Sancho Panza's ass. ~ Miguel De Cervantes Saavedra

Never dream of Charlie Dimmock, while relaxing on a hammock.
And don't compare coconuts of love, when there's a monkey swinging high above. ~ Jermanica Jones

Everybody knew gentlemen could be obtuse, especially when it came to matters of the heart. Everybody knew, as well, that gentlemen needed to believe they were in charge. Therefore, ladies had to learn ways of communicating the obvious without being obvious about it. ~ Loretta Chase