Neil Leckman Quotes

Pharmacy drive-up window:
"Could I have your address?"
"Well, you could, but that would be one hell of a coincidence!!

Why don't they make chocolate horses for Easter with a belly full of gummy bears. Educational and sweet!

Years ago there was an old man I knew that told me he didn't trust me, because people with beards were hiding from something. I told him, That's true, I'm hiding from the barber!!

Some people like to push my buttons!!! I just wish they would give them back ...

I always wonder how many potholes there are in the road less taken. I mean it's great to go where others don't, but is it maintained?

I took the road less travled, now I'm lost.

If you sleep with one eye open are your dreams only half as good as everyone elses?

Don't follow your heart if you can't keep a beat

Thrice damned she howls like Cerberus to the night
Guarding virtues that lie like forgotten stains
On oaken floors that pave the willow lined paths of the past
That lead to a meadow filled with the detritus of wasted love
Rotting under a forgotten sun that no longer shines
In a heart gone cold therein lies the haste of anger.

I flunked out of mime school. I could never hear what the instructor was saying!!!

The man said, "The toy cars are a dollar a piece". The boy thought about that a moment and asked, "How much for the whole thing?

I'm not sure what they mean by mispent youth, I used mine to get a nice BLT a few years ago.

It has been brought to my attention that I may be a verbivore. I consumptor of words, that I subsequently spew forth with considerable consternation.
A Volley of verbs that are quite vexing has taken form, perhaps under the guise of consonants most foul!! Where have you wandered faithful vowels?

Bad answers for employment questions:
Employer: I see here that you worked for the state for three years. Why did you leave that job?
My parole was granted

I tried to walk a mile in a man's shoes once. I ended up running most of the way!! Seems he wanted them back..

Why is ground round sold in a square package?

I consider whoever my words land on to be my target, that's why I like flash fiction, it's a lot like using a shotgun.

Still waiting for them to make reversible diapers, maybe with teflon coating ...

My oldest son used to say his stomach had angries when he felt sick.
I always pictured an all night fight club for finger foods!!

Remember, never apply too much torque or you'll bust your nuts!!

If a book falls in the woods and nobody read it, was it ever written?

I have my moments, I just can't remember where I put them.

We started our journey across the waistlands by folowing the enormous belt!!

The link to my online art portfolio for a chance to be shown in Brooklyn.

https://cheechwizard.see.me/

I took the road less traveled, now I need a map.

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, unless it is the burning bush, in that case the value of your bird just went up!!

I never completely understood the phrase, "I took my medicine religiously", unless of course it was a religion I was unfamiliar with!!

How many boxs of Fruit Loops do you need to smash to be considered a cereal killer?

Has anybody ever written a horror pop-up book? The center of the book pops up and opens the gate to the elder gods. Of course you'll want to shrink wrap these books because you want people to buy them before they get sucked into another dimension.

At a long meeting a man next to me, British I hope, said, "Man, I'd kill for a fag about now" I chuckled when everyone moved away from him but me.
"Why did everyone do that?"
"They say that smoking can kill, and they're just being cautious"
"What about that fellow there smiling at me?"
"Don't know, maybe he's a chain smoker ...

It lies here deep in the heart, the small chest of pain
Sharp words like daggers placed it here
To fill with hurt
In filling it grew heavy and drug me down
For to not feel is not to live
Until I rest at last in dirt
The worst of you got the best of me ...

Is it worse to double park if you're cross eyed?

I'm not sure if it's possible, but if it is I have a life contract with a rubber glove clause. This means almost any social interaction will involve the placing on, or removal of rubber gloves. That 'snap' means the fun, whatever type it may be, has begun.
Doctors? OK, dentists? OK, clerk at Walmart? WHAT!!
The Clerk begins to pull on the gloves as other shoppers suddenly find other open lanes.
**SNAP**!

I think that last batch of sea monkeys ate my cat!!!

Empolyee form fun
Who to contact in an emergency?
911

This was to be my last trip. Sailing great distances was dangerous, and not very profitable in today's world. I walked down the worn wooden step to the captain's cabin, the creaking of the ship keeping time with my steps. Opening the door I found him bent over an old map.
"Where are we captain?" I asked, hoping it was close to home.
"See this spot, where it says "Here there be monsters"?" he said pointing to an image of a horrid beast.
"Certainly, but you and I both know such creatures don't exist!!"
The captain laughed, and looking up at me with an evil glint in his eye said, "Who's talking about sea monsters?". As he spoke the skin from one corner of his mouth fell loose, exposing a yellow reptilian skin beneath.
"What?" I yelled, and as I turned to run for the cabin door I heard screams and loud moans coming from the deck, and the crew quarters below.
I felt fetid breath on the back of my neck, "Aye matey, here there be monsters

Is it possible to be ticket for going too fast during speed dating?

Well they have to have something to wean Caluntians off Venusian moles. Seems humans are the best therapy, to consume that is. They say we are a bit gamey though. An acquired taste, one we hope not many acquire.

This is another one that perplexes me.
"Would you like your milk in a bag?"
"No, I think it's fine inside that plastic jug, but thanks for asking first!!

So you like to stretch the truth?" he asked me. "Stretch, fold, spindle, staple or cut, whatever it takes to get it to fit just right".

When I was little and my mom got mad at me she would always say, "You know you can be replaced".
I have often wondered if I was.

Life is complex and prone to being pedantic
Always little things crawl, flutter
and creep in.
Nesting in cracks in our psyches
Gibbering, whispering and scratching
on sanity's walls.
Messages without form or reason
Teasing us to come out
And blend in.

I've always been afraid that someone would steal my identity some day and be more successful at being me than I am!!

I tok the road less traveled. Now I'm lost.

I have always pictured accupuncture like falling into a box of sewing needles, and then standing up refreshed and free of pain.

People do not realize just how much effort it takes to do a half ass job properly. A lot of time is spend in choosing which cheek will do the job best then whether that cheek is available on that day. Odds are 50/50 that half assed will be half of half assed or quarter assed, which doesn't have the same ring to it at all ...
Mediocrity isn't so easy is it?

They kept yelling at me to pay attention during school, since education hasn't panned out for me can I get a refund, or at least a rebate?

Thought about being a stand up comedienne for zombies, but when they eat you alive, they really eat you!!

Bad questions at employment interviews:
Is your drug test graded on a curve?

I've always been afraid that if I played Sim City I'd just get virtual junk mail for occupant/resident since it is so much like real life!!! It would suck to be invisible in two worlds at once, as always that gives me an interesting story idea.
Have to run someone, no doubt a solicitor, is at my door ...

You know what they say. One man's joke is another man's brother

I remember a bully once telling me that he was going to beat the stuffing out of me. After numerous blows it was evident to both of us that I didn't have any!!

I don't know why they call them Cheerios, I ate an entire box and didn't feel any happier!!

They say you don't know what you don't know until you know that you don't know it.

Remember never to text and drive, it's bad grammar, even if you have a deadline. You might cross the line and dead may be your destination. Think about it!!

Quickly look down, now you tell me, when you were little did you ever imagine that you'd be wearing those shoes? Mind blowing isn't it?

My grandson was sitting by a fire in the backyard and said it was getting smaller. I said he was getting bigger and in fact was twenty years old now.
He laughed and said, No I'm not I didn't have any birthdays!!

Tis oft I wonder, which way I should go
At times the long road also reaches my goal
The dangers are less, wonders are more
The difference often to open another door
I sit by the window watching travelers go past
Wondering for some if their good luck will last
Whether you roll the dice or draw a card
The decision decides if it is easy or hard
My bags now pack the time comes to go
I open the door, my own private portal

How about a TV show about vampire plastic surgeons called, "Suck and Tuck"?

Sometimes I wake up and wonder if those chalk outlines they have at murder scenes get together for holiday parties ...

Have you ever had a large spider in the tub, figuring you'll wash it down the drain you turn on the shower, and set it to hot?
Only to have the stupid thing grab onto the edge of the drain and hiss at you!!

Somebody once told me that I need a reality check, I told them that I'll accept money from any source.

They started the meeting out by saying, "Everybody please take your seats"
I was halfway back to my cubicle with mine before they stopped me ...

I try not to have personal problems, I do that by telling everyone about them!!!

If I were a candy bar I'd want to be a snicker, because then I'd have the last laugh!!

Asthmatic spewer of filth gasps, but clean air does not suffice
To fuel fires fueled by thoughts got rotten
Lest we all be forgotten things
That sit like dust upon the mantel of her mind

They used to say, "A penny for your thoughts". I have heard that zombies will pay up to $5 a pound for your brains. Inflation even affects the dead!!!

Neil Leckman
I had a friend once that told me when we die and get to the pearly gates we are admitted based on our deeds.
1 good deed is a step forward
1 bad deed is two steps back.
By the time he's through with you I'm not sure you'll even be able to see the gates!!

Is it worth the effort to tell an idiot that they are profoundly stupid? Or is it just good fun to see the blank stare?

I think what I need to do is stay awake while I'm sleeping so I can see what I'm dreaming better!!

Sure, ask a question, fire away, but remember, just because we answer doesn't mean we care. We all have our own problems, and mine are down in the cellar kicking up a fuss right now, must not have made the knots tight enough!!!