Neil Leckman Quotes

Pharmacy drive-up window:
"Could I have your address?"
"Well, you could, but that would be one hell of a coincidence!! ~ Neil Leckman

It lies here deep in the heart, the small chest of pain
Sharp words like daggers placed it here
To fill with hurt
In filling it grew heavy and drug me down
For to not feel is not to live
Until I rest at last in dirt
The worst of you got the best of me ... ~ Neil Leckman

Don't follow your heart if you can't keep a beat ~ Neil Leckman

I remember a bully once telling me that he was going to beat the stuffing out of me. After numerous blows it was evident to both of us that I didn't have any!! ~ Neil Leckman

I never completely understood the phrase, "I took my medicine religiously", unless of course it was a religion I was unfamiliar with!! ~ Neil Leckman

Remember never to text and drive, it's bad grammar, even if you have a deadline. You might cross the line and dead may be your destination. Think about it!! ~ Neil Leckman

It has been brought to my attention that I may be a verbivore. I consumptor of words, that I subsequently spew forth with considerable consternation.
A Volley of verbs that are quite vexing has taken form, perhaps under the guise of consonants most foul!! Where have you wandered faithful vowels? ~ Neil Leckman

I always wonder how many potholes there are in the road less taken. I mean it's great to go where others don't, but is it maintained? ~ Neil Leckman

They started the meeting out by saying, "Everybody please take your seats"
I was halfway back to my cubicle with mine before they stopped me ... ~ Neil Leckman

I think what I need to do is stay awake while I'm sleeping so I can see what I'm dreaming better!! ~ Neil Leckman

The man said, "The toy cars are a dollar a piece". The boy thought about that a moment and asked, "How much for the whole thing? ~ Neil Leckman

Is it possible to be ticket for going too fast during speed dating? ~ Neil Leckman

Bad answers for employment questions:
Employer: I see here that you worked for the state for three years. Why did you leave that job?
My parole was granted ~ Neil Leckman

I've always been afraid that someone would steal my identity some day and be more successful at being me than I am!! ~ Neil Leckman

If a book falls in the woods and nobody read it, was it ever written? ~ Neil Leckman

Have you ever had a large spider in the tub, figuring you'll wash it down the drain you turn on the shower, and set it to hot?
Only to have the stupid thing grab onto the edge of the drain and hiss at you!! ~ Neil Leckman

Tis oft I wonder, which way I should go
At times the long road also reaches my goal
The dangers are less, wonders are more
The difference often to open another door
I sit by the window watching travelers go past
Wondering for some if their good luck will last
Whether you roll the dice or draw a card
The decision decides if it is easy or hard
My bags now pack the time comes to go
I open the door, my own private portal ~ Neil Leckman

I'm not sure if it's possible, but if it is I have a life contract with a rubber glove clause. This means almost any social interaction will involve the placing on, or removal of rubber gloves. That 'snap' means the fun, whatever type it may be, has begun.
Doctors? OK, dentists? OK, clerk at Walmart? WHAT!!
The Clerk begins to pull on the gloves as other shoppers suddenly find other open lanes.
**SNAP**! ~ Neil Leckman

You know what they say. One man's joke is another man's brother ~ Neil Leckman

I took the road less travled, now I'm lost. ~ Neil Leckman

How many boxs of Fruit Loops do you need to smash to be considered a cereal killer? ~ Neil Leckman

I have always pictured accupuncture like falling into a box of sewing needles, and then standing up refreshed and free of pain. ~ Neil Leckman

How about a TV show about vampire plastic surgeons called, "Suck and Tuck"? ~ Neil Leckman

Still waiting for them to make reversible diapers, maybe with teflon coating ... ~ Neil Leckman

This was to be my last trip. Sailing great distances was dangerous, and not very profitable in today's world. I walked down the worn wooden step to the captain's cabin, the creaking of the ship keeping time with my steps. Opening the door I found him bent over an old map.
"Where are we captain?" I asked, hoping it was close to home.
"See this spot, where it says "Here there be monsters"?" he said pointing to an image of a horrid beast.
"Certainly, but you and I both know such creatures don't exist!!"
The captain laughed, and looking up at me with an evil glint in his eye said, "Who's talking about sea monsters?". As he spoke the skin from one corner of his mouth fell loose, exposing a yellow reptilian skin beneath.
"What?" I yelled, and as I turned to run for the cabin door I heard screams and loud moans coming from the deck, and the crew quarters below.
I felt fetid breath on the back of my neck, "Aye matey, here there be monsters ~ Neil Leckman

I consider whoever my words land on to be my target, that's why I like flash fiction, it's a lot like using a shotgun. ~ Neil Leckman

My grandson was sitting by a fire in the backyard and said it was getting smaller. I said he was getting bigger and in fact was twenty years old now.
He laughed and said, No I'm not I didn't have any birthdays!! ~ Neil Leckman

They say you don't know what you don't know until you know that you don't know it. ~ Neil Leckman

If you sleep with one eye open are your dreams only half as good as everyone elses? ~ Neil Leckman

I've always been afraid that if I played Sim City I'd just get virtual junk mail for occupant/resident since it is so much like real life!!! It would suck to be invisible in two worlds at once, as always that gives me an interesting story idea.
Have to run someone, no doubt a solicitor, is at my door ... ~ Neil Leckman

Years ago there was an old man I knew that told me he didn't trust me, because people with beards were hiding from something. I told him, That's true, I'm hiding from the barber!! ~ Neil Leckman

Is it worth the effort to tell an idiot that they are profoundly stupid? Or is it just good fun to see the blank stare? ~ Neil Leckman

I tok the road less traveled. Now I'm lost. ~ Neil Leckman

Why is ground round sold in a square package? ~ Neil Leckman

When I was little and my mom got mad at me she would always say, "You know you can be replaced".
I have often wondered if I was. ~ Neil Leckman

Somebody once told me that I need a reality check, I told them that I'll accept money from any source. ~ Neil Leckman

If I were a candy bar I'd want to be a snicker, because then I'd have the last laugh!! ~ Neil Leckman

Remember, never apply too much torque or you'll bust your nuts!! ~ Neil Leckman

At a long meeting a man next to me, British I hope, said, "Man, I'd kill for a fag about now" I chuckled when everyone moved away from him but me.
"Why did everyone do that?"
"They say that smoking can kill, and they're just being cautious"
"What about that fellow there smiling at me?"
"Don't know, maybe he's a chain smoker ... ~ Neil Leckman

We started our journey across the waistlands by folowing the enormous belt!! ~ Neil Leckman

Some people like to push my buttons!!! I just wish they would give them back ... ~ Neil Leckman

Place the proper tool in front of the right person at the correct moment and anything is possible ~ Neil Leckman, Wurms

Thrice damned she howls like Cerberus to the night
Guarding virtues that lie like forgotten stains
On oaken floors that pave the willow lined paths of the past
That lead to a meadow filled with the detritus of wasted love
Rotting under a forgotten sun that no longer shines
In a heart gone cold therein lies the haste of anger. ~ Neil Leckman

Well they have to have something to wean Caluntians off Venusian moles. Seems humans are the best therapy, to consume that is. They say we are a bit gamey though. An acquired taste, one we hope not many acquire. ~ Neil Leckman

I tried to walk a mile in a man's shoes once. I ended up running most of the way!! Seems he wanted them back.. ~ Neil Leckman

My oldest son used to say his stomach had angries when he felt sick.
I always pictured an all night fight club for finger foods!! ~ Neil Leckman

They used to say, "A penny for your thoughts". I have heard that zombies will pay up to $5 a pound for your brains. Inflation even affects the dead!!! ~ Neil Leckman

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, unless it is the burning bush, in that case the value of your bird just went up!! ~ Neil Leckman

I have my moments, I just can't remember where I put them. ~ Neil Leckman

Neil Leckman
I had a friend once that told me when we die and get to the pearly gates we are admitted based on our deeds.
1 good deed is a step forward
1 bad deed is two steps back.
By the time he's through with you I'm not sure you'll even be able to see the gates!! ~ Neil Leckman

Thought about being a stand up comedienne for zombies, but when they eat you alive, they really eat you!! ~ Neil Leckman

Empolyee form fun
Who to contact in an emergency?
911 ~ Neil Leckman

I think that last batch of sea monkeys ate my cat!!! ~ Neil Leckman

They kept yelling at me to pay attention during school, since education hasn't panned out for me can I get a refund, or at least a rebate? ~ Neil Leckman

I'm not sure what they mean by mispent youth, I used mine to get a nice BLT a few years ago. ~ Neil Leckman

Sometimes I wake up and wonder if those chalk outlines they have at murder scenes get together for holiday parties ... ~ Neil Leckman

Asthmatic spewer of filth gasps, but clean air does not suffice
To fuel fires fueled by thoughts got rotten
Lest we all be forgotten things
That sit like dust upon the mantel of her mind ~ Neil Leckman

People do not realize just how much effort it takes to do a half ass job properly. A lot of time is spend in choosing which cheek will do the job best then whether that cheek is available on that day. Odds are 50/50 that half assed will be half of half assed or quarter assed, which doesn't have the same ring to it at all ...
Mediocrity isn't so easy is it? ~ Neil Leckman

Why don't they make chocolate horses for Easter with a belly full of gummy bears. Educational and sweet! ~ Neil Leckman

I took the road less traveled, now I need a map. ~ Neil Leckman

The link to my online art portfolio for a chance to be shown in Brooklyn.

https://cheechwizard.see.me/ ~ Neil Leckman

Life is complex and prone to being pedantic
Always little things crawl, flutter
and creep in.
Nesting in cracks in our psyches
Gibbering, whispering and scratching
on sanity's walls.
Messages without form or reason
Teasing us to come out
And blend in. ~ Neil Leckman

Sure, ask a question, fire away, but remember, just because we answer doesn't mean we care. We all have our own problems, and mine are down in the cellar kicking up a fuss right now, must not have made the knots tight enough!!! ~ Neil Leckman

I try not to have personal problems, I do that by telling everyone about them!!! ~ Neil Leckman

Is it worse to double park if you're cross eyed? ~ Neil Leckman

So you like to stretch the truth?" he asked me. "Stretch, fold, spindle, staple or cut, whatever it takes to get it to fit just right". ~ Neil Leckman

Has anybody ever written a horror pop-up book? The center of the book pops up and opens the gate to the elder gods. Of course you'll want to shrink wrap these books because you want people to buy them before they get sucked into another dimension. ~ Neil Leckman

This is another one that perplexes me.
"Would you like your milk in a bag?"
"No, I think it's fine inside that plastic jug, but thanks for asking first!! ~ Neil Leckman

I don't know why they call them Cheerios, I ate an entire box and didn't feel any happier!! ~ Neil Leckman

Quickly look down, now you tell me, when you were little did you ever imagine that you'd be wearing those shoes? Mind blowing isn't it? ~ Neil Leckman

I flunked out of mime school. I could never hear what the instructor was saying!!! ~ Neil Leckman

Bad questions at employment interviews:
Is your drug test graded on a curve? ~ Neil Leckman

There is no denying that the technicalization of terms and problems is a serious form of information control. ~ Neil Postman

I was no longer in the game to meet women; I was in the game to lead men. ~ Neil Strauss

At the end of the street was a large glass box with a female mannequin inside it, dressed as a gypsy fortune teller.
"Now," said Wednesday, "at the start of any quest or enterprise it behooves us to consult the Norns."
He dropped a coin into the slot. With jagged, mechanical motions, the gypsy lifted her arm and lowered it once more. A slip of paper chunked out of the slot.
Wednesday took it, read it, grunted, folded it up and put it in his pocket.
"Aren't you going to show it to me? I'll show you mine," said Shadow.
"A man's fortune is his own affair," said Wednesday, stiffly. "I would not ask to see yours."
Shadow put his own coin into the slot. He took his slip of paper. He read it.
EVERY ENDING IS A NEW BEGINNING.
YOUR LUCKY NUMBER IS NONE.
YOUR LUCKY COLOUR IS DEAD.
Motto:
LIKE FATHER, LIKE SON.
Shadow made a face. He folded the fortune up and put it inside his pocket. ~ Neil Gaiman

Go back? I don't know. I think hell's something you carry around with you. Not somewhere you go. They're doing the same things they always did. They're doing it to themselves. That's hell. ~ Neil Gaiman

Because there are mysteries. Because there are things that people are forbidden to speak about. Because there are things they do not remember. ~ Neil Gaiman

So I believe in the redeeming power of stories, I believe that stories are incredibly important, possibly in ways we don't understand, in allowing us to make sense of our lives, in allowing us to escape our lives, in giving us empathy and in creating the world that we live in. ~ Neil Gaiman

I knew that sunny citrus helped put things in focus, sharpened the memory, just like a squeeze of lemon juice could sharpen and clarify the taste of sweet fruit. I was also well aware that too much citrus could indicate a corrosive anger. My first wedding at Rainbow Cake had taught me that. But this was a gentle, subdued citrus, like the taste of a Meyer lemon.
Spice usually indicated grief, a loss that lingered for a long time, just like the pungent flavor of the spice itself, whether it was nutmeg or allspice or star anise. The more pronounced the flavor, the more recent the loss and the stronger the emotion. So there was some kind of loss or remembrance involved here. Yet there was also a comfort in the remembering, knowing that people had gone before you. That they waited for you on the other side. ~ Judith Fertig

It's unfortunate that your offspring make people wish for a dystopian future in which euthanasia is a universally beloved form of birth control, but when elderly women literally everywhere are better parents than you, perhaps it's time to hang up the baby-making spurs. ~ Neil Hilborn

I heard we see the world not as it is, but as we are. ~ Neil Gaiman

I'm interested in everything. I don't see why Borges can't work along with Neil Gaiman, or Stephen King can't be mixed with Balzac. It's just storytelling; it's different ways of using codes and images and words and sounds. ~ Carlos Ruiz Zafon

And he showed Shadow how to do the thing. ~ Neil Gaiman

Pain shared, my brother, is pain not doubled but halved. No man is an island ~ Neil Gaiman

How you want your coffee?" she asked her guests. "Here we take it black as night, sweet as sin. ~ Neil Gaiman

We're all going to die. While I'm still here, I want to make a difference. ~ Neil Cavuto

From the point where our ancestors started making tools, people have been unable to survive without the things they make; in this sense, it is making things that makes us human. ~ Neil MacGregor

He made love to Porcupine Woman and got his dick shot through with more needles than a pincushion. He'd argue with rocks and the rocks would win. ~ Neil Gaiman

Richard was thunderstruck: it had been like watching Emma Peel, Bruce Lee, and a particularly vicious tornado, all rolled into one and sprinkled with a generous helping of a mongoose killing a cobra. That was how she moved. That was how she fought. ~ Neil Gaiman

Anyone who believes what a cat tells him deserves all he gets. ~ Neil Gaiman

Who on Earth could read a Vonnegut book and think that he was a grandfatherly bundle of warm fuzzy happiness? I mean, I read Vonnegut first as a ten year old, and it was shocking because he could joke in the face of such blackness and bleakness, and I'd never seen an author do that before. Everything was pointless, except, possibly, a few moments of love snatched from the darkness, a few moments in which we connect, or fail to. ~ Neil Gaiman

When a president promises something beyond his years in office, he is fundamentally unaccountable. It is not his budget that must finish the job. Another president inherits the problem, and it becomes a ball too easily dropped, a plan too easily abandoned, a dream too readily deferred. ~ Neil DeGrasse Tyson

There doesn't have to be any of that business with one third of the seas turning to blood or anything," said Aziraphale happily. When it came, the voice sounded slightly annoyed. "Why not?" it said. Aziraphale felt an icy pit opening under his enthusiasm, and tried to pretend it wasn't happening. He plunged on: "Well, you can simply make sure that - " "We will win, Aziraphale." "Yes, but - " "The forces of darkness must be beaten. You seem to be under a misapprehension. The point is not to avoid the war, it is to win it. We have been waiting a long time, Aziraphale. ~ Neil Gaiman

I often feel like books find us for reasons, and we read them when we need them the most. ~ Neil Patrick Harris

Nature will unapologetically weed your genes out of existence if you don't take action and learn how to attract women now.
Do I have your attention? ~ Mystery

Coraline? Oh, there you are. Where on earth were you?' 'I was kidnapped by aliens,' said Coraline. 'They came down from outer space with ray guns, but I fooled them by wearing a wig and laughing in a foreign accent, and I escaped.' 'Yes, ~ Neil Gaiman

A lot of people that buy vinyl today don't realise that they're listening to CD masters on vinyl and that's because the record companies have figured out that people want vinyl, And they're only making CD masters in digital, so all the new products that come out on vinyl are actually CDs on vinyl, which is really nothing but a fashion statement. ~ Neil Young

With the exception of 'Descent,' that was a very conscious thing to make an action or horror movie that was an all-female cast because I hadn't seen anything like that before. ~ Neil Marshall

I told you I would tell you my names. This is what they call me. I'm called Glad-of-War, Grim, Raider, and Third. I am One-Eyed. I am called Highest, and True-Guesser. I am Grimnir, and I am the Hooded One. I am All-Father, and I am Gondlir Wand-Bearer. I have as many names as there are winds, as many titles as there are ways to die. My ravens are Huginn and Muninn, Thought and Memory; my wolves are Freki and Geri; my horse is the gallows. ~ Neil Gaiman

It is neither fair nor unfair, Nobody Owens. It simply is ~ Neil Gaiman