Darynda Jones Quotes

I chose the road less traveled. Now I'm lost.

After searching for a space, I parked behind the tattoo parlor in front of a sign that said NO PARKING. Since it didn't specify to whom it was referring, I figured it couldn't possibly be talking to me.

Death via extreme pleasure was a serious concern.

Man, I want to be someone's forbidden fruit."
"Well, you are pretty fruity.

It doesn't matter what you do, you cannot please everyone. You can write the next Hunger Games and there are going to be people who hate your book with a fiery passion. You just gots to get up, brush yourself off, and start again.

I smiled and looked down a microsecond before gasping in horror. The white gown I'd materialized in was like gauze and completely see-through. I slammed the jeans to my chest and hugged them, searching for the little boy, but he'd ducked back behind the lockers.

"That poor kid is going to be scarred for life. Or, well, afterlife."

Reyes chuckled. "Yeah, I doubt that.

For the first time in my life, I was in a shoot-out. A real, honest-to-goodness shoot-out with a bad guy. And, apparently, we both sucked.

Let me express how much I don't care on a scale of one to bite me, the former detective said.

An integral part of any best friend's job is to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

I almost forgot. It's our anniversary."
"What?" I asked, bolting upright. "We've been married a year already?"
"Not that anniversary."
"Oh, whew. So, on this day however many years ago we … kissed for the first time?"
"Nope," he said with a smirk, opening the bottle with a loud pop.
"We … celebrated the first spine you'd severed in my defense?

You are the worst greeter in the history of greeters ever. In the history. Of time. And greeters." "Greeter? You think I'm a greeter?" Talk about a demotion. "Yes. To the other side?" She pointed up. "Dude, calling me a greeter is like calling Saint Peter a ticket taker.

I told Bobert and Cookie about the hypothetical man and his hypothetical family. She didn't fall for it. Damn her and her psychic abilities. I'd have to watch what I said around her. No! I'd have to watch what I thought around her. Crap, this was going to be hard.

You pretty much annoy me and thus can kiss my ass

There must be a special, less volcanic portion of hell that was partitioned off and set aside for people who weren't all bad, just a little vindictive. They could call it the drama queen ward. It would be a huge hit.

Screw the beaten path! Do your thing. Write the best story you can. the rest will fall into place.

True heroes are never heroes for the recognition. They do what they are supposed to do, play the hand they've been dealt. And true heroes don't seek out heroism. It's thrust upon them.

We get heroes with impossible abilities and heroines with strengths we can only dream of. And for a little while, we are those characters. That hero is in love with us. That heroine is you, the reader, and you are all kinds of powerful. And you might even, given the right circumstances, save the world.

―You realize I can hear you without the annoying intercom.
Cookie and I both leaned forward and looked at each other through the doorway.
―But this is more fun, I said. ―More Star Trekkie.

Because my apartment was roughly the size of a Cheez-It, it didn't take me long to feel my way to the kitchen in the dark.

After an initial rush of pleasure that left me trembling with need, I broke off the heated kiss and whispered, "Okay, you win."
He leaned over me and said into my ear, "Dutch, I won the moment you crawled into bed."
He really did need to work on his self-esteem.

The dreams continue for over a month. Each reveals a new facet of her personality. One night, she is wild and unpredictable. The next, she is shy or giggly or coy. She laughs and growls and bites and sucks.

WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU GET SCARED HALF TO DEATH, TWICE? - T-SHIRT

SOME DAYS I LOOK BACK ON MY LIFE AND I'M EXTREMELY IMPRESSED I'M STILL ALIVE. - T-SHIRT

What do I look like, the ghost whisperer? They're loony. I'd have better luck talking to my cousin Alfonso's Chihuahua. At least Tía Juana knows Spanish."
"Your cousin's Chihuahua is named Tía Juana?

So, was it good for you?" I asked him.
He shook his head. "I faked it."
"Really? So did I. I guess we'll have to try again.

I'd tried to be washed of my sin once, but I ran out of Dial. Tricky business, that.

A guy in an SUV tried to kill me."
"That's strange."
"Why?"
"Because the guy I hired doesn't drive an SUV."
"That is strange.

Never trust a man with a penis.

A blank is the only thing I draw well. --T-SHIRT

I was … seeing someone."
A soft gasp escaped me. No idea why that would surprise me. "Was?"
"She left me. No good-bye. No note. Nothing. Just vanished into thin air. I had nowhere else to go."
I sat on the side of the bed. "I'm sorry, Reyes. When did that happen?"
"A while back. I'll get over it. I have no choice. She's forgotten all about me."
"I seriously doubt that." No woman in her right mind could forget the likes of Reyes Farrow.

Any said by "Charley Davidson" is my favorite!

The departed exist on one plane, and the human race exists on another, and somehow - whether by freak accident, divine intervention, or psychological disorder - I exist on both. A

He'd actually hit me! It didn't matter that hitting me wasn't really like hitting a regular girl and I'd be completely healed in a matter of hours. I was still a freaking girl, and he damned well knew it. I'd just have to hit him back. With a lead pipe. Or an eighteen-wheeler.

mawage 'mah-'wahge n. 1; a bwessed awangement 2; a dweam wifin a dweam - T-SHIRT

Maybe she was an angel, I thought as she crawled out of bed and headed for the door. Maybe she was stuck on earth, sent here to help those who had passed. What a noble creature.
"Wedgie alert," she said before adjusting her boxer-like underwear.

Apparently, this really was Kill Charley Davidson Week. Or at least Horribly Maim Her ... It would probably never get government recognition, though, destined to be underappreciated like Halloween or Thesaurus Day.

And who came up with the animals for these euphemisms, anyway? Why bat shit? Why not cow shit or grasshopper shit? And why don't we give a rat's ass as opposed to a hamster's ass?

Clothes? sufficient Keys? found 'em Coffee cup? full Sanity? sanity? - T-SHIRT

I was white. Chalk had more color than I did. And quite possibly more personality.

A split second later, my life flashed before my eyes, and I came to one important conclusion about it.
It was fun while it lasted.

Did you get checked out?" "Yeah, by a hot blond who sat in the corner of the bar and made googly eyes at me." "I meant by a doctor." "No, but a balding yet bizarrely hot paramedic said I'd be fine." "Oh, and he's an expert?" "At flirting.

If ever there was a time to carry a flashlight, it would definitely be at night.

The FBI had finally wised up and put Charley Davidson on the task of bringing a killer to justice. Because that's what Charley did. Brought killers to justice. She also found lost dogs, exposed cheating spouses, and tracked down the occasional skip. And she rarely referred to herself in the third person.

Reyes. Alexander. Farrow," I said.

Seconds after I spoke his name, Reyes walked into his bedroom, and I looked across the open space directly from my room into his.

He waited for me to continue.

"I feel like there's something missing from my bedroom."

A dimple appeared at the corner of his mouth. "You don't say."

"Any idea what that might be?"

He glanced around my room as well, then shrugged. "I can't imagine."

"Oh, wait," I said, stepping from my room into his, "wasn't there something here? Like, I don't know, a wall or something?"

He looked up. "You could be right. I do seem to remember a barrier of some kind here."

"Yep," I said, stepping closer, "I definitely remember a partition separating our apartments." When his only response was a mischievous tilt of his full mouth, I asked, "Where did you put my wall?"

He crossed his arms over his chest and leaned against his doorframe. "What makes you think I took it?"

"It was there this morning."

"And that means I took it? Maybe you just misplaced it. Where exactly did you see it last?"

I pressed my lips together. "You tore down my wall."

The smile he wore could've charmed the panties off a nun. Completely unrepentant, he admitted, "I tore down your wall.

Happiness isn't good enough. I demand euphoria!

You can't trust anything on the Internet."
"Can, too," I said, completed offended.
"So, if I posted a comment saying I was an Arabian prince from Milwaukee?"
"Yeah, but you're a big fat liar. You don't count. I mean, look at your dad. Pathological liar numeral uno. Lying is in your genes."
He leaned forward. There's only one thing in my jeans right now.

And that most people would never understand the devastating need of those left behind, the need to know the truth.

Before I tell you, I have to know three things," I said.
"Okay."
"One, are you sitting down?"
"Yes."
"Two, are you mentally stable?"
"More than you'll ever be."
Well, that was uncalled for. "And three, how do you spell schizophrenia?"
"What does that have to do with anything?"
"Nothing. I just wanted to see if you'd tell me.

Coffee has given me unrealistic expectations of my productivity
-T-SHIRT

You introduced me to Danger and Will Robinson, but you neglected to acquaint me with the other two."
"Fine,But you can't make fun of their names. They're very sensitive."
"I would never."
I pointed in the general vicinity of my left ovary, "This is Beam Me Up." Then to my right. "And this is Scotty.

Who is Dr. A. von Holstein? And is he related, by chance, to a race of cows?

No, I need your daughter." Every

I was starting to wonder if repetitive exposure to nightly hallucinations resulting in earth-shattering climaxes could have any long-term side effects.

I sat with my two best friends, knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that only two of us would make it out of there alive. Though I did tend to exaggerate.

I don't expect everything to be handed to me. Just set it down wherever.

Felt my heartbeat falter, hesitate, then stumble awkwardly forward, tripping on the next beat, then the next, faster and faster until each one tumbled into the other like the drumroll of dominoes crashing together. Funny how time stands still when death is imminent.

Wait, what are you doing?" She could apparently hear the strain in my voice as I craned my neck from side to side. "I'm trying to see past a little girl on my hood."
"Oh. Isn't that dangerous?"
"Normally. But she has a knife."
"Oh, well, then, I guess it's okay.

Uncle Bob was about to kill the lot of us, screaming about how unfair it was to play poker with a bunch of mutants with supernatural gifts. I felt the name-calling was a not-so-silent cry for help, but he refused to agree to therapy. Donovan offered to roofie him, so that was nice. I shook my head, though. He'd totally arrest us all. Especially me.

But he was a good landlord. When my heater stopped working in mid-December, it took him only two weeks to get it fixed. Of course, it took me knocking on his door in need of a warm place to sleep to get it that way, but one night on his sofa, where I'd suddenly developed night terrors and epilepsy, and that puppy was running like a Mercedes the next day. It was awesome.

You know, I was thinking about my in-laws." I strolled closer, craving his heat. And his scent. And the power that continuously hummed through him like an infinite source of energy. "You know, from your supernatural side? By being married to you, I am Satan's daughter-in-law, Jehova's sister-in-law, and Jesus's aunt by marriage.

I am apparently the complete opposite of a sociopath. (Seriously. I took a test.) WHEW! ‪#dodgedabullet‬

A fruitless endeavor, as my knowledge was definitely the fruity type.

Well, that sucked more ass than liposuction.

I'd have a longer attention span if there weren't so many shiny things.

Having Reyes so near is painful. I think it has apoplexy."
"Do you even know what that means?"
"No, but it sounds serious. Like Ebola. Or hives

My phone pinged. It was a text from Cookie.
I'm not good at cocking guns.
Really? Did she not know me at all?
I texted her back.
You can do this. Learn the cock, Cookie.
Know the cock.
Be the cock.

On a scale of one to stepping on a LEGO, how much pain are you in?

You need to listen to what Mom has to say." "No, I don't." "She deserves that much, Charley.

Don't judge me because I'm quiet.
No one plans a murder out loud.

Reyes Farrow. Because perfection is a dirty job, but someone has to do it.

I don't know. You just seem different now. Distant. Like you have PTSD.
I knew from where I spoke. My TSD got P'd when I was tortured by a monster named Earl.

I'm not pubescent, darlin'. I'm pretty sure I can last more than fifteen minutes.

God I loved Sammy. I'd considered marrying him, but his wife got upset when I asked for his hand.

She reached up and curled her fingers into mine. "He should take you to dinner."
To say that the mere thought horrified me would have been a grievous understatement. I threw up a little in my mouth then swallowed hard.
I told Taft when I recovered, "Just please, for the love of God, find a girl good enough to take home to your mother. And do it soon."
"And stop dating skanks.

I'll call if I break a leg or get eaten by a bear."
"Play like a rock."
"Now?"
"No, if a bear starts eating you."
I thought for a moment before replying. "Do they have screaming, sobbing rocks, 'cause that's probably what I'll be doing if a bear is gnawing my arm off."
"It would be difficult to just lay there and be eaten alive, huh?"
"Ya think?

My calculations - allowing for a 12 percent margin of error, based on the radius of the corresponding confidence interval and the surgeon general's warning - concluded that they probably didn't stay behind for the tacos.

Restraint: not just for sex anymore. - T-SHIRT

You can't have him, okay," she said from behind the wire barrier.
"Mm-hmm," I whispered.
"This is certainly a beautiful neighborhood."
"Yeah, I guess."
"I will scratch those eyes out of your ugly head.

If it weren't for physics and law enforcement, I'd be unstoppable.

It's 90% imagination and 10% real experiences.

Dad!" I said, trying to get his attention. "It is so official you are a bad father. Good fathers do not shoot their daughters!"
I crossed my arms and brought out the big guns. "I am so telling Mom when I die.

When I'm not scouring through the backstreets of every city in the state, I keep an eye on the girl. My girl.

Do not disturb. Already there. - T-SHIRT

Have they even seen the Winchester boys? Sammy and Dean's existence proves there is a god and she is a woman.

Is it just me or does the fact that you live in the same building you were abducted into seem a bit morbid?"
"Pffft. It's just you," I said, discounting the entire bizarre ghoulish thing.

IF IT HAS TIRES OR TESTICLES, IT'S GONNA GIVE YOU TROUBLE. - BUMPER STICKER

I was my own girl, and no one was walking on this carpet but me.

Amber, you could never embarrass me."
"Never?" she asked.
"Never."
"One time, I yelled across the store to Mom and asked her if she wanted the regular or the super-absorbent tampons. I added that, according to the box, the super-absorbent were for those heavy days. Then I asked her to rate her heaviness on a scale of one to ten."
"Okay, you could."
"Then while we were standing in line, I asked her why she was buying three boxes of Summer's Eve in the middle of winter."
I set her at arm's length. "Wow."
"I know, right? I had no idea a person could turn so red.

The guy had more secrets than Victoria

I could've knocked the shit out of her .She'd have good reason to roll her eyes then. But knocking the shit out of rude people wasn't my style. Heckling them every chance I got was.
Hopefully she'd screw up soon. I didn't have all day.

What would you do if you were sent to hell?"
"Stop, drop, and roll?

LIKE THE SUICIDAL RACCOON, I, TOO, WILL FUCK UP YOUR ALIGNMENT IF YOU RUN ME OVER. - T-shirt

There is a great need for a sarcasm font.

The man stood back, not sure what to think. That was my secret weapon. Confuse 'em and keep 'em guessing long enough to run away. I

I don't think I get enough credit for the fact that I do all of this unmedicated. - T-SHIRT

Chocolate and coffee ? Together ? Whoever came up with that combination should have won a Nobel Peace Prize. Or at least a subscription to Reader's Digest.

I wouldnae refuse a square go, but I'd best warn ye, I'm solid." It

Hey, I'm going to Super Dog for a quick bite and to pass along a message from a dead guy to his girlfriend. You should come with me."
"I can't go with you."
"Is it because of my questionable morals?"
"No, it's because it's three o'clock in the afternoon and I have to pick up Amber from school."
"Oh, right. So the morals thing doesn't bother you?

Cookie saw him, too. "Holy mother of all things sexy," she said, her eyes drinking him in.
"Right there with ya.

But have you ever seen one? ... They shook their heads. "Not Physically, no. But if you look at this passage - "
Man, she liked that Bible. I'd read it and could definitely understand it's appeal, but I didn't have time for this.