Ridcully Quotes

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Quotes About Ridcully

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In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded. ~ Terry Pratchett
Ridcully quotes by Terry Pratchett
The senior wizards of Unseen University stood and looked at the door.
There was no doubt that whoever had shut it wanted it to stay shut. Dozens of nails secured it to the door frame. Planks had been nailed right across. And finally it had, up until this morning, been hidden by a bookcase that had been put in front of it.
'And there's the sign, Ridcully,' said the Dean. 'You have read it, I assume. You know? The sign which says "Do not, under any circumstances, open this door"?'
'Of course I've read it,' said Ridcully. 'Why d'yer think I want it opened?'
'Er ... why?' said the Lecturer in Recent Runes.
'To see why they wanted it shut, of course.'
This exchange contains almost all you need to know about human civilization. At least, those bits of it that are now under the sea, fenced off or still smoking. ~ Terry Pratchett
Ridcully quotes by Terry Pratchett
Amazin'.' he said again. 'He just looks as though he's thinking, right?'
'Er ... yes.'
'But he's not actually thinking?'
'Er ... no.'
'So ... he just gives the impression of thinking but really it's just a show?'
'Er ... yes.'
Just like everyone else, then really,' said Ridcully ~ Terry Pratchett
Ridcully quotes by Terry Pratchett
Ridcully sat in horrified amazement. He'd always enjoyed Hogswatch, every bit of it. He'd enjoyed seeing ancient relatives, he'd enjoyed the food, he'd been good at games like Chase My Neighbor up the Passage and Hooray Jolly Tinker. He was always the first to don a paper hat. He felt that paper hats lent a special festive air to the occasion. And he always very carefully read the messages on Hogswatch cards and found time for a few kind thoughts about the sender. Listening to his wizards was like watching someone kick apart a doll's house. ~ Terry Pratchett
Ridcully quotes by Terry Pratchett
Oh, no," said the Lecturer in Recent Runes, pushing his chair back. "Not that. That's meddling with things you don't understand."
"Well, we are wizards," said Ridcully. "We're supposed to meddle in things we don't understand. If we hung around waitin' till we understood things we'd never get anything done. ~ Terry Pratchett
Ridcully quotes by Terry Pratchett
Wow-Wow Sauce, a mixture of mature scumble, pickled cucumbers, capers, mustard, mangoes, figs, grated wahooni, anchovy essence, asafetida and, significantly, sulfur and saltpetre for added potency. Ridcully inherited the formula from his uncle who, after half a pint of sauce on a big meal one evening, had a charcoal biscuit to settle his stomach, lit his pipe and disappeared in mysterious circumstances, although his shoes were found on the roof the following summer. ~ Terry Pratchett
Ridcully quotes by Terry Pratchett
Ridcully was simple-minded. This doesn't mean stupid. It just meant that he could only think properly about things if he cut away all the complicated bits around the edges. ~ Terry Pratchett
Ridcully quotes by Terry Pratchett
But it says here,' said Ridcully, 'that you are a finest swordsman,' 'I was outnumbered.' 'How many of them were there?' 'Three million. ~ Terry Pratchett
Ridcully quotes by Terry Pratchett
Would you accept "slackers by hand and brain"?' said Ridcully, always happy to see how far he could go. 'Slackers by hand and brain by statute,' said the Senior Wrangler primly. Ridcully gave up. He could do this all day, but life couldn't be all fun. ~ Terry Pratchett
Ridcully quotes by Terry Pratchett
Mrs Cake? What is a Mrs Cake?"
"You have ... ghastly Things from the Dungeon Dimensions and things, yes? Terrible hazards of your ungodly profession?" said the Chief Priest.
"Yes."
"We have someone called Mrs Cake."
Ridcully gave him an inquiring look.
"Don't ask," said the priest, shuddering. "Just be grateful you'll never have to find out. ~ Terry Pratchett
Ridcully quotes by Terry Pratchett
Real stupidity beats artificial intelligence every time. ~ Terry Pratchett
Ridcully quotes by Terry Pratchett
Poetry contains almost all you need to know about life. ~ Josephine Hart
Ridcully quotes by Josephine Hart
Don't be ridiculous, man," said Ridcully, "there's no such thing as dwarf smuggling."
"Yeah? Then what's that you've got there?"
"I'm a giant," said Casanunda.
"Giants are a lot bigger."
"I've been ill. ~ Terry Pratchett
Ridcully quotes by Terry Pratchett
Technically, the city of Ankh-Morpork is a Tyranny, which is not always the same thing as a monarchy, and in fact even the post of Tyrant has been somewhat redefined by the incumbent, Lord Vetinari, as the only form of democracy that works. Everyone is entitled to vote, unless disqualified by reason of age or not being Lord Vetinari. ~ Terry Pratchett
Ridcully quotes by Terry Pratchett
Nevertheless, it was a little bit surprising to find that Bloody Stupid had turned to bathroom design. But, as Ridcully said, it was known that he had designed and built several large musical organs and, when you got right down to it, it was all just plumbing, wasn't it? ~ Terry Pratchett
Ridcully quotes by Terry Pratchett
Intellectually, Ridcully maintained his position for two reasons. One was that he never, ever, changed his mind about anything. The other was that it took him several minutes to understand any new idea put to him, and this is a very valuable trait in a leader, because anything anyone is still trying to explain to you after two minutes is probably important and anything they give up after a mere minute or so is almost certainly something they shouldn't have been bothering you with in the first place. ~ Terry Pratchett
Ridcully quotes by Terry Pratchett
I support Dolly Sisters, sir. Always have done."
"And are they any good?"
"Having a poor patch at the moment, sir."
"Ah, then I expect you will want to support our team, which will be very good indeed!"
"Can't do that, sir. You've got to support your team, sir."
"but you just said that they weren't doing well."
"That's when you support your team, sir. Otherwise you're a numper."
"A numper being ... ?" said Ridcully.
"He's someone who's all cheering when things are going well, and then runs off to another team when there's a losing streak. They always shouts the loudest. ~ Terry Pratchett
Ridcully quotes by Terry Pratchett
That's right, Potter," Noah nodded, seeing James' untouched plate. "The less you eat, the less you'll have to throw up when you're in the air. Of course, some of us see a little well-aimed sick as a great defensive technique. You've had your f irst broom lesson with Professor Ridcully, right? ~ G. Norman Lippert
Ridcully quotes by G. Norman Lippert
Persuasion comes in many forms," said Lord Vetinari. "No, I agree with Archchancellor Ridcully, sending Captain Carrot would be an excellent idea."
"What? Did I say something?" said Ridcully.
"Do you think that sending Captain Carrot would be an excellent idea?"
"What? Oh. Yes. Good lad. Keen. Got a sword."
"Then I agree with you," said Lord Vetinari, who knew how to work a committee. ~ Terry Pratchett
Ridcully quotes by Terry Pratchett
Unfortunately, like many people who are instinctively bad at something, the Archchancellor prided himself on how good at it he was. Ridcully was to management what King Herod was to the Bethlehem Playgroup Association. His mental approach to it could be visualized as a sort of business flowchart with, at the top, a circle entitled "Me, who does the telling" and, connected below it by a line, a large circle entitled "Everyone else. ~ Terry Pratchett
Ridcully quotes by Terry Pratchett
After a while the Senior Wrangler said, "Do you know, I read the other day that every atom in your body is changed every seven years? New ones keep getting attached and old ones keep on dropping off. It goes on all the time. Marvelous, really."

The Senior Wrangler could do to a conversation what it takes quite thick treacle to do to the pedals of a precision watch.

"Yes? What happens to the old ones?" said Ridcully, interested despite himself.

"Dunno. They just float around in the air, I suppose, until they get attached to someone else."

The Archchancellor looked affronted.

"What, even wizards?"

"Oh, yes. Everyone. It's part of the miracle of existence."

"Is it? Sounds like bad hygiene to me," said the Archchancellor. "I suppose there's no way of stopping it?"

"I shouldn't think so," said the Senior Wrangler, doubtfully. "I don't think you're supposed to stop miracles of existence."

"But that means everythin' is made up of everythin' else," said Ridcully.

"Yes. Isn't it amazing? ~ Terry Pratchett
Ridcully quotes by Terry Pratchett
Then the Dean repeated the mantra that has had such a marked effect on the progress of knowledge throughout the ages.
"Why don't we just mix up absolutely everything and see what happens?" he said.
And Ridcully responded with the traditional response.
"It's got to be worth a try," he said. ~ Terry Pratchett
Ridcully quotes by Terry Pratchett
Besides…where Rincewind went' – he lowered his voice – 'trouble followed behind.'
Ridcully noticed that the wizards drew a little closer together.
'Sounds all right to me,' he said. 'Best place for trouble, behind. ~ Terry Pratchett
Ridcully quotes by Terry Pratchett
Mind you," said Ponder, "the universe does have a rhythm. Day and night, light and dark, life and death - " "Chicken soup and croutons," said Ridcully. "Well, not evert metaphor bears close examination". ~ Terry Pratchett
Ridcully quotes by Terry Pratchett
Old Sobriety's son? How is the old devil?"
"Dunno, sir, what with him being dead."
"Oh dear. How long ago?"
"These past thirty years," said Shawn.
"But you don't look any older than twen-" Ponder began. Ridcully elbowed him sharply in the ribcage.
"This is the countryside," he hissed. "People do things differently here. And more often. ~ Terry Pratchett
Ridcully quotes by Terry Pratchett
ow do I know I can trust you?' said the urchin. 'I don't know,' said Ridcully. 'The subtle workings of the brain are a mystery to me, too. But I'm glad that is your belief. ~ Terry Pratchett
Ridcully quotes by Terry Pratchett
Like most people with no grasp whatsoever of real economics, Mustrum Ridcully equated "proper financial control" with the counting of paper clips. Even senior wizards had to produce a pencil stub to him before they were allowed a new one out of the locked cupboard below his desk. ~ Terry Pratchett
Ridcully quotes by Terry Pratchett
Yeah!" said the Dean, now in a grip of a wild, unwizardly machismo. "We're mean! Yeah! Are we mean?"
The Archchancellor raised his eyebrows, and then turned to the rest of the wizards.
"Are we mean?" he said.
"Er.. I'm feeling reasonably mean," said the Lecturer of Recent Runes.
"I'm definitely very mean, I think," said the Bursar. "It's having no boots that does it," he added.
"I'll be mean if everyone else is," said the Senior Wrangler.
The Archchancellor turned back to the Dean.
"Yes," he said, "it appears that we are all mean."
"Yo!" said the Dean.
"Yo what?" said Ridcully.
"It's not a yo what, it's just a yo," said the Senior Wrangler, behind him. "It's a general street greeting and affirmative with convivial military ingroup and masculine bonding-ritual overtones."
"What? What, like 'jolly good'?" said Ridcully.
"I suppose so..." said the Senior Wrangler, reluctantly. ~ Terry Pratchett
Ridcully quotes by Terry Pratchett
Firstly," said Ponder, "Mr Pessimal wants to know what we do here."
"Do? We are the premier college of magic!" said Ridcully.
"But do we teach?"
"Only if no alternative presents itself," said the Dean. "We show 'em where the library is, give 'em a few little chats, and graduate the survivors. If they run into any problems, my door is always metaphorically open."
"Metaphorically, sir?" said Ponder.
"Yes. But technically, of course, it's locked."
"Explain to him that we don't do things, Stibbons," said the Lecturer in Recent Runes. "We are academics. ~ Terry Pratchett
Ridcully quotes by Terry Pratchett
Using a metaphor in front of a man as unimaginative as Ridcully was like a
red flag to a bu ... was like putting something very annoying in front of
someone who was annoyed by it. ~ Terry Pratchett
Ridcully quotes by Terry Pratchett
I would like permission to fetch a note from my mother, sir' Ridcully sighed. 'Rincewind, you once informed me, to my everlasting puzzlement, that you never knew your mother because she ran away before you were born. Distinctly remember writing it down in my diary. Would you like another try?' 'Permission to go and find my mother?' ~ Terry Pratchett
Ridcully quotes by Terry Pratchett
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