Humorous Comebacks Quotes

I forgot my purse of laughter when I dressed this mornin'," she told me. "Have you not bought anythin' the last few days? Prices have gone up. Pay or starve, it's all one to me. ~ Tamora Pierce

I see we have a problem.' Lucas gripped her other arm and gave her a non-too-gentle shake. 'Are you in a relationship? or...' Those dark eyes searching hers narrowed into slits. 'Are you married? ~ C.C. MacKenzie

I don't mind your calling me a clog, if only we were fastened together."
"But I do mind you calling me a donkey," he replied. ~ Elizabeth Gaskell

The help (in Japan) is very polite. They bow so much, you don't know which end to talk to. ~ Bob Hope

The only way I'd need a pain reliever to enjoy sex is if all of my fantasies came true at the same time. ~ Drew Carey

Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups. ~ Cathy Guisewite

Sorry, maybe this is the head injury talking, but ... what? ~ Stacey Kade

I have learned from my mistakes, and I am sure I can repeat them exactly ~ Peter Cook

For every book you buy, you should buy the time to read it. ~ Karl Lagerfeld

Abstract reason, formerly the servant of practical human reasons, has everywhere become its master, and denies poetry any excuse for existence.
Though philosophers like to define poetry as irrational fancy, for us it is practical, humorous, reasonable way of being ourselves. Of never acquiescing in a fraud; of never accepting the secondary-rate in poetry, painting, music, love, friends. Of safeguarding our poetic institutions against the encroachments of mechanized, insensate, inhumane, abstract rationality. ~ Robert Graves

We should do something," I said.
"Can the something be play blind-guy video games while sitting on the couch?"
"Yeah, that's just the kind of something I had in mind."
So we sat there for a couple hours talking to the screen together, navigating this invisible labyrinthine cave without a single lumen of light. The most entertaining part of the game by was far trying to get the computer to engage with us in humorous conversation:
Me: "Touch the cave wall."
Computer: "You touch the cave wall. It is moist."
Isaac: "Lick the cave wall."
Computer: "I do not understand. Repeat?"
Me: "Hump the cave wall."
Computer: "You attempt to jump. You hit your head."
Isaac: "Not jump. HUMP."
Computer: "I don't understand."
Isaac: "Dude, I've been alone in the dark in this cave for weeks and I need some relief. HUMP THE CAVE WALL."
Computer: "You attempt to ju - "
Me: "Thrust pelvis against cave wall."
Computer: "I do not - "
Isaac: "Make sweet love to the cave."
Computer: "I do not - "
Me: "FINE. Follow left branch."
Computer: "You follow the left branch. The passage narrows."
Me: "Crawl."
Computer: "You crawl for one hundred yards. The passage narrows."
Me: "Snake crawl."
Computer: "You snake crawl for thirty yards. A trickle of water runs down your body. You reach a mound of small rocks blocking the passageway."
Me: "Can I hump the cave now?"
Computer: "You cannot jump ~ John Green

The better organized the state, the duller its humanity. ~ David Mitchell

While looking at a website for liposuction, I learned that it was a six-to eight-week recovery period, the clincher being that, during that time, I would under no circumstances be able to use street drugs. Obviously I had to think of a more realistic approach. ~ Chelsea Handler

I vote, I challenge Bathymaasy and we shoot arrows at you dearest brother. Artemis
Set and Bathymaas laughed.
Apollo, not so much. ~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

I am sure there are many things better than a good cigar, but right now, I can't think of what they might be. ~ Richard Carleton

Tonight sucked" my dad said and I started to laugh hearing him say that. "What?" He smiled at me. "Isn't that the slang you kids are using? The lingo? Do I sound hip?"
I just shook my head. "The only hip I hear is the sound of yours breaking. ~ Robin Benway

Think pink but don't wear it ~ Karl Lagerfeld

I'm torn between none of your business and kiss my ass. ~ Elle Todd

We're really awful animals. I mean, that dumb Barbra Streisand song, 'People who need people are the luckiest people in the world' - she's talking about cannibals. Lot's to eat. ~ Kurt Vonnegut

So that's the telephone? They ring, and you run. ~ Edgar Degas

Been in a lot of time zones. Been on a lot of planes. Had a lot of complimentary honey-roasted peanuts whapped onto my tray table by hostile flight attendants. "Would you care for some peanuts, sir?" WHAP. Like that. The flight attendants hate us passengers, because we're surly to them because our flight is delayed. Our flight is always delayed. The Russians will never be able to get their missiles through the dense protective layer of delayed flights circling over the United States in complex, puke-inducing holding patterns. ~ Dave Barry

There is an inanimate object which has a capacity to exasperate which no human being will ever attain: a piano. ~ Marcel Proust

ELVIS & MARILYN:
The deader they get -
the more money they make. ~ Chocolate Waters

San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was. ~ Herb Caen

Zack said, "What do you need to do to get out of here?"
"You have any frags?"
"Negative."
"Smoke?"
"Negative."
"Bangers?"
"That's a negative."
"The f_ck kind of rescue is this? ~ Mark Greaney

For me it was just exciting to see fake news catching on like that. We don't you know, it's interesting. I think we don't make things up. We just distill it to, hopefully, its most humorous nugget. And in that sense it seems faked and skewed just because we don't have to be subjective or pretend to be objective. We can just put it out there. ~ Jon Stewart

Before I speak, I have something important to say. ~ Groucho Marx

There is no decision to be more or less comic. I don't feel more or less humorous in my day-to-day. These things are accidental. ~ Alexis Taylor

We took a right at the fork, heading farther north. The charred houses continued. To the right, a large sign nailed to an old telephone post shouted DANGER in huge red letters. Underneath in crisp black letters was written:
IM-1: Infectious Magic Area
Do Not Enter
Authorized Personnel Only
A second smaller sign under the first one, written on a piece of plastic with permanent marker, read:
Keep out, stupid.
"We aren't going to keep out, are we?" Ascanio asked.
"No."
"Awesome. ~ Ilona Andrews

She ran out of her marriage the way a woman can run out of a pair of sandals when she decides to let go and really dash. ~ Stephen King

Oh good Lord. She definitely hadn't put on enough deodorant for this. ~ Jill Shalvis

Many young athletes joined the gangs instead of aspiring to gold medals in the Olympics. You could easily discern the kind of sport they did by their body shape and injuries.
Well-built with a broken nose - a boxer.
Broad shoulders with torn ears - a wrestler.
Enormous muscles with little to no brain - a bodybuilder.
Short with broad shoulders and a quadratic head - a weightlifter. ~ Carlito Sofer, Nik Krasno

And I remind you of your mother now? I have got to look into a manlier cologne. ~ Cassandra Clare

(Malory, unhopeful: "I don't suppose you have any tea?" Jesse: "DO YOU WANT EARL GREY OR DARJEELING?" Malory: "Oh, sweet heavens!") ~ Maggie Stiefvater

The Japanese, implementing a complex, long-term, and ultimately successful strategy to dominate the U S consumer-electronics market, attacked Pearl Harbor. ~ Dave Barry

Ish #109 If MapQuest says make a right, go straight. You'll get there quicker. ~ Regina Griffin

Solomon smiles with us ~ N.D. Wilson

For four years we've been cooperating exhaustively ~ William J. Clinton

I was three over. One over a house, one over a patio, and one over a swimming pool. ~ George Brett

Flying from the United States to Tokyo takes approximately as long as law school. ~ Dave Barry

Fighting with tangles,
fighting with curls,
the poor barber yanked,
the poor barber pulled,
until with one last effort
(and to the wonder of us all)
a GINORMOUS Polar Bear
landed on the floor. ~ Mili Fay

I like to go to Starbucks and watch the intellectuals. I observe them and their intellectualness. They in turn observe me drinking coffee and being a creeper. ~ Ryan Lilly

Hey, Captain Neckbeard! Less talky-talky, more worky-worky! Wednesday shouted rudely down at the man who had been changing the tire. She wasn't planning on taking shit from a tow truck driving hick today or any other day. ~ Dennis Sharpe