George Burns Quotes

Young. Old. Just words. Inside we feel like our shoe size.

When we played the back end of a horse we always knew that if we worked hard and did a good job we could become the front end.

People are always asking me how much I'm worth. Well, all I can say is, I've got enough money to last me the rest of my life. As long as I die in the next 20 minutes.

If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.

I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.

There's an old saying, 'Life begins at forty.' That's silly. Life begins every morning you wake up.

And God said 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.'

The heart is a temple wherein all truth resides.

None of us kids had a middle name. We were lucky we had any name at all. By the time my mother got around to naming one, there was another on the way.

When I wasn't working, I put the blame directly where it belonged - I blamed my agent. When I didn't have an agent, I spent time looking for a new agent so I would have somebody to blame.

Bridge is a game that separates the men from the boys. It also separates husbands and wives.

When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own scotch, you bring your own rocks.

I'd rather be a failure in something that I love than a success in something that I hate.

I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere.

It's good to be here. At 98, it's good to be anywhere.

I can't afford to die; I'd lose too much money.

When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and I'm labeled senile.

She didn't need to go to acting school to learn that the essence of acting is to act like you're not acting.

I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.

I'd rather be a flop at show business than to be a success at something I didn't like.

I was always taught to respect my elders and I've now reached the age when I don't have anybody to respect.

I don't have a drinking problem. I drink. I get drunk. I fall down, no problem.

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.

There are two kinds of cruises - pleasure and with children.

It's better to be happy doing something you love, even if you don't find success right away.

This is all so exciting I've decided to keep making one movie every 36 years.

If it's a good script I'll do it. And if it's a bad script, and they pay me enough, I'll do it.

Young. Old. Just Words.

I smoke cigars because at my age if I don't have something to hang on to I might fall down.

I'd say that about 82 percent of what I write is bad, but don't go by me; I'm as bad a judge as I am a writer. Look, if it were all good, you'd be paying twice as much for this book. So relax, read it, and if you don't enjoy it, remember that you're saving money.

I worried about playing God (in the movie Oh God). We're about the same age, but we grew up in different neighborhoods.

If I paid $3 or $4 for a cigar, first I'd sleep with it.

Money is the root of all evil.' Then we hear, 'A fool and his money are soon parted.' What are they talking about? If money is so evil, shouldn't it be, 'A wise man and his money are soon parted'? And another thing, how does a fool get money in the first place? I know some fools who have a lot of money, but they won't tell me how they got it, and I won't tell them.

I look better, feel better, make love better and I'll tell you something else ... I never lied better.

Be quick to learn and wise to know.

I drink coffee with my right hand, and I smoke with my left. But I talk with both hands.

I get a standing ovation just standing

I get up every morning and read the obituary column. If my name's not there, I eat breakfast.

At my age flowers scare me.

I never go jogging, it makes me spill my martini.

If you stay in the business long enough and get to be old enough, you get to be new again.

I like women to be attracted to me. See, when you get 60 years old, and they know you're 60, the only women you can get are 55-year-old women, and I like younger women.

When you stop giving and offering something to the rest of the world, it's time to turn out the lights.

If I had taken my doctor's advice and quit smoking when he advised me to, I wouldn't have lived to go to his funeral.

Sex has been around for a long time. You may not believe this, but it was around before I was.

I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now - I'm booked.

If I paid ten dollars for a cigar, first I'd make love to it, then I'd smoke it.

There isn't a thing I can't do now that I didn't do when I was twenty-one ... which gives you an idea of how pathetic I was when I was twenty-one. (That's a lie, but I might as well tell you something right here at the beginning of the book. Anytime I can get a laugh I'm not going to let the truth interfere with it.)

Well, anybody can be a straight man if he hears well. You just have to wait for laughs. A straight man just repeats the questions and the comedian gets the laughs and you just wait for them and don't let them die completely at the tail end of the laugh.

A married couple that plays cards together is just a fight that hasn't started yet.

Say Goodnight Gracie.

Lots of people have asked me what Gracie and I did to make our marriage work. It's simple - we don't do anything. I think the trouble with a lot of people is that they work too hard at staying married. They make a business out of it. When you work too hard at a business you get tired; and when you get tired you get grouchy; and when you get grouchy you start fighting; and when you start fighting you're out of business.

In show business the key word is honesty. Once you've learned to fake that, the rest is easy.

If you were married to Marilyn Monroe, you'd cheat with some ugly girl.

What actresses do today when they appear on the screen is what they did once upon a time for getting to appear on the screen.

There has been foolish talk about audiences having an average twelve-year-old mind: it just isn't true. They are older than anybody, and wiser.

I'd rather be over the hill than under it.

There's nothing wrong with making love with the light on. Just make sure the car door is closed.

Being an actor is easy, just picture someone in a room and you outside waiting for your cue to go in. Elliot Gould's been trying that for forty years.

In what other business can a guy my age drink martinis, smoke cigars and sing? I think all people who retire ought to go into show business. I've been retired all my life.

When they saw me walking down the street smoking a cigar, they'd say, 'Hey, that 14-year-old kid may be going places.' Of course it's also a good prop on the stage ... When you can't think of what you're supposed to say next, you can puff on your cigar until you think of your next line.

In those days the best painkiller was ice; it wasn't addictive and it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over it.

This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two.

When I die I intend to take my music with me. I don't know what's out there, but I want to make sure it's in my key.

I did go to school - my kind of school. When I was a kid I went out ... and you meet people. You talk to them. Anybody says something that makes sense, it stays with you, rubs off on you. That kind of school.

Love is a lot like a backache. It doesn't show up on x-rays, but you know it's there.

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

I've been a straight man for so many years that from force of habit I repeat everything. I went out fishing with a fellow the other day and he fell overboard. He yelled, Help! Help! Help! so I said, Help? Help? Help? And while I was waiting for him to get his laugh, he drowned.

Let me get one thing straight; I'm not an authority on sex, I'm more of a fan. I think sex is nice; no family should be without it. Of course, there are other things that are just as important as sex, like uh ... like uh ... like ... uh ... well, I'll think of it later.

I should have been a country-western singer. After all, I'm older than most western countries.

I'd rather be a failure at something I enjoy than a success at something I hate.

I thought to myself, 'why not write a bestseller?' In the first place, more people buy them and more people read them. You make more money and it doesn't take any more time to write a bestseller than it does to write a book nobody buys.

When I was in Vegas women were throwing their hotel keys at me. But it was after they checked out.

Retire? I'm going to stay in show business until I'm the only one left

I use the cigar for timing purposes. If I tell a joke, I smoke as long as they laugh and when they stop laughing I take the cigar out of my mouth and start my next joke.

I don't care what you do for a living. If you love it, you are a success.

The Pope's entrance was stunning. Maybe the Catholics know about miracles, and maybe they know about saints, but they've never received enough credit for what they know about show business.

How can I die? I'm booked.

Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth.

Critics are eunuchs at a gang bang.

I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.

I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate.

I find you have to take each day as it comes and be thankful for who's left and whatever you can still do.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

Be sure to wear a good cologne, a nice aftershave lotion, and a strong underarm deodorant. And it might be a good idea to wear some clothes, too.