Funny Birthday Quotes

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year.
I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety. ~ Steven Wright

Funny story: I was hanging out with Adam Shankman for Samantha Ronson's birthday, and Lance Bass was there. I don't really know Lance, but he comes over to me and goes, 'Hey, I just wanted to let you know I'm a fan of 'Pretty Little Liars' and I'm rooting for your character.' It was surreal! That's how 'PLL' has changed my life. ~ Ryan Guzman

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier ... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. ~ Steven Wright

Pie can't compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it's a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, and somebody's drunk in the kitchen. ~ Jim Gaffigan

The best birthdays of all are those that haven't arrived yet. ~ Robert Orben

At times is it seems that I am living my life backward, and that at the approach of old age my real youth will begin. My soul was born covered with wrinkles. Wrinkles my ancestors and parents most assiduously put there and that I had the greatest trouble removing. ~ Andre Gide

If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age. ~ George Burns

Old age is not for sissies. ~ Malcolm Forbes

A man who views the world the same ... ~ Muhammad Ali

There must be a day or two in a man's life when he is the precise age for something important. ~ Franklin Pierce Adams

I'm not too keen on jokes that are one-liners. I want the situation to be funny. ~ Philippe Falardeau

When I'm not acting, I try to be normal, play golf, play hockey. It's funny because you're in this little bubble when you're working - you don't read books, you don't really keep up with the news, you're just living that life. ~ Taylor Kitsch

If you are friends with the wrong people, Google+ autocorrects them ~ Andy Borowitz

Oh come on,'Pheobe continued. 'You're asking for it. Pale skin, black clothes, no lunch and that whole brooding thing? It's hilarious. You should get body glitter and go after an unsuspecting freshman.'
'You should!' Cassidy agreed. 'Tell her you're a dangerous monster. And mention how good her blood smells.'
'Wrong time of the month on that one, and I'm getting slapped,' I muttered, and everyone laughed. ~ Robyn Schneider

Look at those legs," Noah says. "Look at that bone structure. Look at those eyes, you could get fucking lost in them." "You need Google Maps to find your way out of my eyes," Gideon says, executing an elaborate turn before catwalking back. ~ Emma Mills

When my daughter was born she had jaundice, she was small, round and yellow. we called her Melony. ~ Milton Jones

A totally nondenominational prayer: Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care what I say, I ask, if it matters, that I be forgiven for anything I may have done or failed to do which requires forgiveness. Conversely, if not forgiveness but something else may be required to insure any possible benefit for which I may be eligible after the destruction of my body, I ask that this, whatever it may be, be granted or withheld, as the case may be, in such a manner as to insure said benefit. I ask this in my capacity as your elected intermediary between yourself and that which may not be yourself, but which may have an interest in the matter of your receiving as much as it is possible for you to receive of this thing, and which may in some way be influenced by this ceremony. Amen. ~ Roger Zelazny

I am about to - or I am going to - die; either expression is correct. ~ Dominique Bouhours

Kissing, said Lesley, ought really to be taught as a school subject, preferably instead of religious studies, which nobody needed. ~ Kerstin Gier

I told everyone you didn't go poof, but they just looked at me funny," said Maddie. Cedar shook her head. "You said, 'Tiny crow crowned unconfused with a cloud.' ~ Shannon Hale

People never like to talk about their slower relatives. I got a cousin, twice removed, got webs between his toes, ain't said one word his whole life. You never hear about him in the family newsletter that goes around every Christmas. Hell, nobody mentions me, either, if it comes to that. Families is funny about who they advertise. ~ Susan Juby

I have a deep and profound mistrust of all politicians. ~ Craig Ferguson

I actually was class clown, but I don't know how that happened because I've never been considered an outwardly funny person. ~ Janeane Garofalo

It's funny how, no matter what we have in life, we're never satisfied. ~ Yasmine Galenorn

Rubbing the place where a headache was brewing, Toby said, "You may keep whatever parts of the goat you wish. I just want this farm boy's heart."
"So the rest of him is up for grabs?"
"The rest of the goat?"
"No, the rest of the…yeah, the goat. The goat. Good eating, goat. ~ Delilah S. Dawson

I'm not like most designers, who have to set sail on an exotic getaway to get inspired. Most of the time, it's on my walk to work, or sitting in the subway and seeing something random or out of context. ~ Alexander Wang

Sport is singularly able to give us peak experience where we feel completely one with the world and transcend all conflicts as we finally become our own potential. ~ George A. Sheehan

Systems are made by players rather than players making systems ~ Theo Foley

I love my ex so much I printed out all his pictures. After all, I need him for target practice. And I just love customised toilet paper and doormats. My only regret is that those items don't bear his autograph. ~ Natalya Vorobyova

Funny how "question" contains the word "quest" inside it, as though any small question asked is a journey through briars. ~ Catherynne M Valente

Alright, good night," he said, his words a little slurred. "But before I pass out, I want you to know that you're the hottest biscuit this side of the gravy boat. ~ Erin McCarthy

To me, racist jokes are not funny. I am politically correct, in a weird way. I like to push the boundaries that are politically correct. ~ John Waters

Eat your heart out. Oh, wait. You can't. It's not organic. ~ Susan Elizabeth Phillips

I'm so glad. You're the best birthday present I've ever had. ~ Jodi Ellen Malpas

Your eyes shine," he said. "How do they do that?"
"Blood," she said. ~ Aimee Bender

You're sad? I'll cheer you up. You're upset? I'd love to listen. All you have to do is come to me, you know I'll be there for you. ~ Werley Nortreus

A lot of people have asked me how short I am. Since my last divorce, I think I'm about $100,000 short. ~ Mickey Rooney

Well, I hope that I don't fall in love with you
Cause falling in love just makes me blue
Well, the music plays and you display your heart for me to see
I had a beer and now I hear you calling out for me
And I hope that I don't fall in love with you

Well, the room is crowded, people everywhere
And I wonder, should I offer you a chair?
Well, if you sit down with this old clown, I'll take that frown and break it
Before the evening's gone away, I think that we can make it
And I hope that I don't fall in love with you

Well, the night does funny things inside a man
These old tomcat feelings you don't understand
Well, I turn around to look at you, you light a cigarette
I wish I had the guts to bum one, but we've never met
And I hope that I don't fall in love with you

I can see that you are lonesome just like me
And it being late, you'd like some company
Well, I turn around to look at you, and you look back at me
The guy you're with he's up and split, the chair next to you is free
And I hope that you don't fall in love with me

Now it's closing time, the music's fading out
Last call for drinks, I'll have another stout
Well, I turn around to look at you, you're nowhere to be found
I search the place for your lost face, guess I'll have another round
And I think that I just fell in love with you ~ Tom Waits

It is hard for one who has not had a similar experience to imagine the terror that still gripped Taeko and Mrs. Tamaki and Hiroshi, so intense a terror that afterwards it seemed almost funny. ~ Junichiro Tanizaki

Honest friends is kinda nice, but it's hard to beat a big-ass lie and a six-pack of brewskies. ~ Lois Greiman

I pity the fellow who has to create a dialect or paraphrase the dictionary to get laughs. I can't spell, but I have never stooped to spell cat with a 'k' to get at your funny bone. I love a drink, but I never encouraged drunkenness by harping on its alleged funny side. ~ Mark Twain

World domination is just my side gig. ~ Tanjlisa Marie

Harry took the map and grinned.
"You told me Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs would've wanted to lure me out of school... you said they'd have thought it was funny."
"And so we would have done," said Lupin, now reaching down to close his case. "I have no hesitation in saying that James would have been highly disappointed if his son had never found any of the secret passages out of the castle. ~ J.K. Rowling

I don't write jokes first. I write down topics. I think of what I want to talk about, and then I write the jokes - they don't write me ... And even if you don't think it's funny, you won't think it's boring. You might disagree, but you'll listen. And maybe even laugh as you disagree. ~ Chris Rock

Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book -and does ~ Groucho Marx

Remember, whoever is funny is king. ~ Sean "Day 9 " Plott

In the past, when gays were very flamboyant as drag queens or as leather queens or whatever, that just amused people. And most of the people that come and watch the gay Halloween parade, where all those excesses are on display, those are straight families, and they think it's funny. But what people don't think is so funny is when two middle-aged lawyers who are married to each other move in next door to you and your wife and they have adopted a Korean girl and they want to send her to school with your children and they want to socialize with you and share a drink over the backyard fence. That creeps people out, especially Christians. So, I don't think gay marriage is a conservative issue. I think it's a radical issue. ~ Edmund White

I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd. ~ Johnny Giles

Thank you ... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you ... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of. ~ Daniel Tosh

She felt him relax and his voice softened. "Is that what this is all about? You feel like you can't talk to me anymore? We haven't changed; we're still the same people."
She slipped her hands beneath the front of his shirt, slowly running her fingertips over his chest and back down to his waist. He turned in her arms and smiled, but his grin was filled with mocking suspicion. "Are you trying to distract me, Violet Ambrose?"
"I guess you're smarter than you look," she teased as he pushed her backward so that they both fell on her bed.
"And you are not as funny as you think you are." His mouth hovered over hers, his arms tightening, crushing her against him. Violet giggled and tried to squirm free, but Jay wouldn't let her. He kissed her throat, his lips teasing her until it wasn't his grip that made it hard for Violet to breathe.
"Oh, and Violet," he whispered against her ear, his breath tickling her cheek, "I'm still your best friend. Don't ever forget it." His words were fervent and touching.
Violet tried to think of a response that made sense, something appropriate, but all she could manage was: "Please. Don't stop."
She didn't mind begging if it meant getting her way.
Apparently that was enough to satisfy Jay, and he kissed her possessively. Thoroughly. Deeply.
He eased her back until she was lying against the pillows, and she waited for him to stop, to tell her that they'd gone far enough for tonight. But she didn't want him to. S ~ Kimberly Derting

I remember people saying: 'You look funny, your hair is so black, you have a flat nose,' but I didn't think of it being racism, and I still don't. But there was a sense of difference, of being an outsider. ~ Sadie Jones

To be able to make a good living in a challenging medium like soap operas is great. The best is that I get to act and am rewarded for it. And the people I work with are great. Funny, intelligent, hard working. They're all great to be around. ~ David Canary

This is an especially good time for you vacationers who plan to fly, because the Reagan administration, as part of the same policy under which it recently sold Yellowstone National Park to Wayne Newton, has "deregulated" the airline industry. What this means for you, the consumer, is that the airlines are no longer required to follow any rules whatsoever. They can show snuff movies. They can charge for oxygen. They can hire pilots right out of Vending Machine Refill Person School. ~ Dave Barry

I'll be supposed upon a book, his face is the worst thing about him. ~ William Shakespeare

Funny is funny. And if it's good, it travels. ~ James Corden

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years. ~ Tommy Cooper

Jakie, is it my birthday or am I dying? (Seeing all her children assembled at her bedside in her last illness.) ~ Nancy Astor The Viscountess Astor