Lois Greiman Quotes

In the beginning God made the seas, the mountains, the heavens, and buffalo knees. He made lilies, and dew drops, and snail shells, and roses, and dippers, and yappers, and snappers, and noses.

He's just a flash in the pants.

Life's funny. Sometimes it's your oyster, and sometimes you're it's bitch-slapped man-whore.

If I want to catch the damn worm I get outta bed.

False hope is better than no hope at all.

When blondes have more fun, do they know it?

Solberg; nature's greatest argument against cloning.

Friends are nice. You can tell' 'em stuff, but you can swear like a gangster at an enemy. And that's all right, too.

If men were necessary in the procreation process, they'd have gone the way of the dodo bird long ago.

You can't choose your family. Can't shoot 'em either.

In the movie business, the ones we call Lucky are usually those idiots who are just too damn stubborn to take no for an answer. Come to think of it, the movie business is kind of like life.

Even choosing the perfect dinner wine loses its earth-shattering importance if your guests happen to be cannibals, and you, the unsuspecting entree.

If you don't scare the neighbors while copulating, I'm afraid you're doing something terribly wrong.

Some people are street-smart, some people are book-smart, but most people are just dumber than dirt.

There is none so troubled as one who thinks himself perfectly sane.

There are lots of fish in the sea. Some are sharks, some are angels, and some are bottom feeders.

A pigs and pain, until you really get to know 'em. Then he's a paid with the soul.

A balanced diet and a brisk daily walk will help keep you healthy, but there's nothing like a good-looking young man with a nice butt to help up your cardiovascular system.

It's not who you know, it's who you sleep with.

You don't need to be smarter; you just need dumber friends.

You're just so lucky blood's so hard to get out of the carpet.

Lust and love. They both put a fire in your damn shorts.

A person without regrets is called a corpse.

I fear that someday you will abandon the joys we share and find another not worthy of your charms.

You're gonna sit down. You're gonna shut up. And by the grace of God Almighty, I ain't gonna kill you.

You lose a couple of pounds and get a guy good and drunk, you could have a hell of a good time even if you are not smart.

And thanks to Christina McMullen, who has taught me that common sense and intelligence need not have any correlation whatsoever.

The trouble with insanity is it can flare up at the most inconvenient moments.

Chocolate may be cheaper than a psychiatrist, but the latter doesn't generally adhere to your ass for the rest of your natural life.

Jealousy. It's a terrible thing. Unless it's someone else's.

You don't know many friends you have till you buy a big-ass house on the beach.

Today's problems are yesterday's mistakes coming back to bite you in the ass.

Marriage: just say no.

Life is what you make it. Unless some guy finds you with his girl. Then the ball's pretty much in his court.

Men are like beer. Some are bold and some are smooth. But every damn one of 'em has a big-ass head full of air.

You really don't know a person until you spend some time in their panties.

Expect stupid. It's everywhere.

Just remember this, Missy, escargot ain't nothin' but snails with their noses stuck in the air.

He's an undersized pissant with delusions of adequacy.

Women have to be in the mood for sex. Men have to be breathing.

I froze like a startled bunny. Fumbling the disk into my purse, I cut my eyes toward the hallway.

Had I locked the front door?

Of course I had. Only a moron would break into someone's house and forget to lock the door.

Damn it! I'd forgotten to lock the door.

Maybe in fairytales you're only as old as you feel, but here in L. A. you're every second as old as your pores.

Beauty is only skin deep, but who gives a shit what's under their skin anyway?

Men have two outstanding features--their brains and their genitalia. Unfortunately, both rarely function simultaneously.

Tact is for people with too much damned time on their hands.

If you don't like your teeth; keep your mouth shut.

A friend is someone who will bike to the ice cream shop with you, even when you don't look so good.

Honest friends is kinda nice, but it's hard to beat a big-ass lie and a six-pack of brewskies.

All's well so long-as you don't get shot in the hind end with a twenty gauge.

Marriage is like a toothbrush. It starts out smooth and gets kind of prickly towards the end.

Sometimes we succeed because of our upbringing, sometimes we do so in spite of it.

Celibacy sucks, no pun intended.

Dating is like nightfall--there's got to be a mourning after.

Yeah, world peace would be all right, but what about a day off in a slab of ham the size of my head.

I don't trust nobody that don't have my name tattooed on her ass, and then it's iffy.

It's not as if I don't like men, I just have more respect for my washing machine.

Sometimes stupid is crime enough.

Booze and boys, ain't nothing in the universe that'll make a girl stupid faster.

Excrement happens.

I'd trade every last one of you for a moment's peace and a dog that didn't P on the carpet

I don't care what Cosmo says about exercise improving sex. Some things aren't worth the cost.

Matrimony and firefighting. They ain't for cowards.

Let us talk about oxymoron, common sense, for instance.

In this town, a successful marriage is one that lasts longer than ice.

Luck is merely a product of the happily delusional mind.

In 50 years it won't matter if he's handsome, ugly, or dumb as a post, just try to find someone who don't make you want to shove a pitchfork up his nose.

In my opinion, kissing a lady's hand is a fine tradition. After all, a man must start somewhere.

The theory of relativity doesn't amount to a hill of beans when there's a bonfire in your shorts.

If they really wanted us to resist temptation, they shouldn't a made it so damn tempting.

There is no surer road to perdition than the ledger glands dictate your direction.

A pause. It might have been pregnant. I've never been sure how to tell if a silence has conceived or not.

Maybe there's no such thing as happily ever after. Maybe okay for now is the best you get.

Maybe knowledge is power, but it's damned hard to think a burglar to death.

Fair play is all well and good. But knowing how to kick 'em in the balls can get you out of a jam 9 times out of 10.

Tequila--a sure cure for monogamy.

I don't need no PMS. I can bitch under my own steam.

Some people say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. In actuality, you have to make an incision through his skin, both dermis and epidermis, then carefully sever and separate the sternum. Only upon viewing the exposed thoracic cavity can you reach the heart--if indeed the male of the species actually possesses such an organ.

Opportunity may only knock once, but temptation'll knock down the damn door and drag you out by the hair.

Excuses are like butt holes everyone has 'em and they all stink.

Of course I believe in hell. I have three brothers.

A guy's got to get a license to drive a Geo, but any doofus with a few good swimmers can be a father.

Every morning I read the obituaries. If it ain't there I make myself a cup of tea and carry on like I have the past century or so.

Love is like skydiving without a parachute.

I've been a little cranky since that house fell on my sister.

I ain't taking no more rides on the stupid train.

You are a perfect woman, a magical blend of beauty, intelligence, and spirit. Without you, my life is nothing.

If it looks like a cat, walks like a cat, and has whiskers like a cat, it's probably a damn cat. But if it eats your groceries, messes up your kitchen, and makes you want to rip out your hair by the roots, you either married it or gave birth to it