Tommy Cooper Quotes

And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'

Two cannibals eating a clown. One asks the other, 'Does this taste funny to you?'

A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."

So a man jumps into a taxi and says "King Arthur's close" and the taxi driver says, "don't worry we'll lose him at the next lights".

And an airplane of spittle dived into the sea, there were no salivas.

spoon, jar, jar jar spoon

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?"

I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages. 'He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here. 'I said, 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.'

I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter.

Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's." "Well you can't say fairer than that then

I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, 'Look, this chicken I got here is cold.' He said, 'It should be, it's been dead two weeks.'

I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."

Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A woman comes up to him and says "What are you supposed to be?" The man says "A premature ejaculation." "What?" says the woman. The man explains "I've just come in my pants."

I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost 3 days already.

I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure.

My wife had a go at me last night. She said, Youll drive me to my grave. I had the car out in thirty seconds.

A friend of mine drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

I've been on the whisky diet - I've already lost three days!

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'

My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed.

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.

So I went to the Doctor's yesterday. He said, "What appears to be the problem?" I said, "I keep having this dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away." He said, "How can I help?" I said: "Break my arms."

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"

A man walks into a bar, and he said OUCH, cause it was an iron bar.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".

I belong to the secret six. It's so secret I don't even know the other five.

I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone.

A policeman stopped me and said: Would you please blow into this bag, sir? I said: What for, officer? He said: My chips are too hot.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on His shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.