Craig Ferguson Quotes

It's like, it's kind of like if you ever had a car and it was a bit of a clunker but you love it, that's my show. It's a bit of a clunker but I know where everything is and I like it.

In Los Angeles on Black Friday, a woman pepper sprayed Wal-Mart shoppers who tried to cut in line. The police acted fast by immediately hiring her to get rid of peaceful protesters outside banking institutions all across the United States.

I'm reading a book, because I'm brainy. No, it is a book - if you don't know, it is like a blog except bigger.

I watched the Republican debate. At one point, the candidates said there are no classes in America, a point then hotly debated by all six rich white guys that were there.

It takes a long time to become a lawyer because you need three things - a bachelor's degree, a law degree, and a desire to worship Satan.

Late night is no different than making a film, really, except that it's faster, and if you do a crap one, you can do a better one tomorrow. Writing a novel and doing stand-up - that stuff is very similar.

There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.

Dell Computers announced they're releasing a competitor for the iPad. Now it is, in fact, a great alternative for people who already have an iPad, but are fed up with it working all the time.

Friday's turmoil in global markets looks set to continue to exert a dominant force on the foreign exchange markets. The usual trend when U.S. stocks fall is that the U.S. dollar suffers.

HD doesn't mean anything to me. It's a technical thing. It's like demographics. A lot of people know about it.

Maybe fear is God's way of saying, Pay attention, this could be fun.

What we do have is nothin' but time. Welcome to the Shawshank Redemption of late night!

America truly is the best idea for a country that anyone has ever come up with so far. Not only because we value democracy and the rights of the individual, but because we are always our own most effective voice of descent ... We must never mistake disagreement between Americans on political or moral issues to be an indication of their level of patriotism. If you don't like what I say or don't agree with where I stand on certain issues, then good. I'm glad we're in America, and don't have to oppress each other over it. We're not just a nation, we're not an ethnicity. We are a dream of justice that people have had for a thousand years.

Congratulations to the NBA champion Boston Celtics - they beat the Los Angeles Lakers by 39 points.
Or as Hillary Clinton would say, Too close to call.

Mark Zuckerberg was named Time's Person of the Year. I'm sorry if you don't recognize the name. A magazine is something people used to read.

I came to America, and I made good. It's an old story, but it hasn't been told in a long time. Usually, it's, 'I'm an immigrant, I came here and got persecuted.' My story is I came here, I worked hard, and it worked out all right. So it's still available.

Everything went smoothly at the sailing events today, except for the British team. They forgot to bring limes and they all got scurvy.

It is a great day for the great state of Texas. The last person being tested for Ebola has come back clean. So Texas is now Ebola free. This was a big week for them. They're now free of Ebola - and Democrats.

Valentine's Day is celebrated a little differently here in L.A. Nobody eats chocolate because of the calories, so people give each other tofu-shaped boxes filled with bean curd. Then they fantasize about what their Pilates instructor would be like if he was straight.

I dont know how to add things to my own wikipedia page.

The Danes are causing a bit of trouble. The kingdom of Denmark claimed the North Pole as their own. Hey, you can't just reach out and take something if you want it, Denmark. That's Russia's job.

Former president George W. Bush released his new memoir. By the way, 'memoir' is just a fancy word for 'a bunch of stuff that happened to me.

On that same tour we ran into a band at Aylesbury Friars, a biggish venue in Oxfordshire, England. They were a four-piece from Ireland called U2. They seemed like nice fellows and they sounded pretty good, but we didn't keep in touch. They're probably taxi drivers and accountants by now.

The clocks understood, they kept moving, motion, following the truth that change is the nature of God's mind, and resistance to it is the source of great pain.

I salute Rick Perry for the way he's trying to overcome this. Today he came out and said he's not one of those slick politicians, that this just shows his human side, and some third excuse he can't remember.

I proved to my own satisfaction that I am madder than I think.

New iPod. It looks like an iPhone but it can't make phone calls. So its really just an iPhone.

Jimmy put in a word and told them that if I made it, I wouldn't be able to live with myself without paying them back. That I'd sooner die than owe anyone money for helping me.
Apparently Jimmy knew more about me at that point than I knew about myself.

It's not that we fly by the seat of our pants. We're not afraid of failure.

Sophie thought about Frank's cock sometimes, how famous it was. Not as famous as his voice, sure, but famous in cock terms. Most cocks were seen by only a handful of people: Mom, Dad, creepy uncle, priest, bunkmates, and lovers. Frank's cock had been seen by thousands of showgirls. It was a well-known cock; more than well known, it was a star. Jesus, Frank's cock probably had anecdotes.

There is a scene in the movie where Astrid and Hiccup fly on Toothless's back toward the island of Berk. The animation is intensely real, from the waves on the sea to wisps of wind blowing in the characters' hair. The feeling I get watching that scene is why I fly - just for that feeling.

Osama bin Laden's death has been in the news all day. Leftish
stations are going, 'President Obama saves the world.' Stations on the right are
going, 'Obama kills fellow Muslim.'

I have no ambitions beyond being comfortable in what I do for a living - and earning a living.

They say give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. But teach a man to fish and he'll get his own show on the Discovery Channel.

People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning.

The three drunkest cities in America: Fresno, Riverside, and whatever Mel Gibson is driving through.

Appear tougher or cooler or funnier than you feel and there is a chance you'll make it.

These days, teachers have it rough. Kids can be hyperactive, disobedient, and obnoxious. It must feel like being locked in a room of drunk midgets.

Historically, when Americans don't know what to do next, they go to Paris. Benjamin Franklin is like: 'What am I going to do now? I'll go to Paris!'

I was struck by the ancient, pagan feel of the place. New Orleans doesn't feel like any other American city I've been to. It has an atmosphere like Rome or Istanbul, a sense of the veil being very thin between this world and the world of the fictional and the dead. It is an eerie, haunted, and beautiful place - as any port should be.

North Korea announced that they have nuclear weapons and they have no plans to give them up. The White House, acting quickly, announced their plan to invade Iran.

I realized women and humor were linked very closely.

I dropped out of high school when I was 16, after I had a huge argument with my English teacher over the meaning of the word 'existentialism.'

I am the Saudi Arabia of unhappiness. I have so many reserves of misery that you wouldn't understand. I actually think that's part of why I connect with Canadians. I think they understand grinding misery underneath.

The Universe is very, very big.
It also loves a paradox. For example, it has some extremely strict rules.
Rule number one: Nothing lasts forever.
Not you or your family or your house or your planet or the sun. It is an absolute rule. Therefore when someone says that their love will never die, it means that their love is not real, for everything that is real dies.
Rule number two: Everything lasts forever.

The Afghan government is as corrupt as a prostitute with a law degree.

If you watch cooking shows on cable, they have lots of British people. Because when you think good cooking, you immediately think Britain.

Sometimes my pathology just spills out into the camera doesn't it?

I've got young kids, so it suits me to do a job which keeps me in town right now.

I always wanted to make motion pictures, ever since I was a wee boy, and I was 32, and time was marching on. I met a guy who said, 'Come out to Hollywood for 10 days, and I'll get you a deal.' So I figured, 'OK, 10 days.' On the 10th day, he got me a development deal with Disney, not for a lot of money, but it allowed me to make the move.

Former president Bill Clinton was elected on this very day in 1992. Clinton went on to leave quite a mark in the oval office ... You mean the one on the sofa?

If you absolutely believe that what you do is right, you're bullet-proof.

The idea of having Australians upset at me is just awful.

There are rumors that there is a John Edwards sex tape. People say it's twenty minutes of Edwards caressing and stroking ... And that's just the part where he fixes his hair.

A lot of people come to L.A. looking for something. What I came here for, I realize now, is to be okay with myself.

Things were very different back in 1992. There was unrest in the Middle East, we had a gridlocked Congress, and everybody was talking about Bill Cosby.

This is my first week as an American citizen. It's amazing. Now I can vote in the general election - and for American Idol.

When I went out on tour as Bing Hitler I would hook up with Lenny and we'd get drunk together. He was always very supportive. He was a big star and a lot of what he said to me had power and impact. Apart from that, I just like him.

Donald Trump showed his birth certificate to reporters. Who cares about his birth certificate? I want to know if that thing on his head has had its vaccinations.

Cannabis always made me paranoid; I felt like people were watching me. And now I'm sober, and I've got this talk show in the middle of the night on CBS, and I now know that no one is watching me.

Justin Bieber's tour bus was stopped by Canadian border patrol agents. And they found marijuana. The agents said Bieber was a disgrace to Canada and should never come back. Then they found the marijuana.

There's something I believe wholeheartedly: Cynicism is the true refuge of the pseudo-intellectual, .. Cynicism is easy. Joy is an extremely advanced spiritual and intellectual tenet.

Halloween's eve is also known as mischief night. Kids are supposed go around playing pranks tonight. That's great, just what teenagers need
another excuse to be jerks.

The 'Star Wars' movie is coming out. Disney has kept the details of the movie under wraps because they're not Sony.

Divorce lawyers stoke anger and fear in their clients, knowing that as long as the conflicts remain unresolved the revenue stream will keep flowing.

Jeb Bush announced today on the Internet that he may run for president. The next presidential election could be Bush vs. Clinton. It will be like 1992 all over again except I won't be in rehab.

Aphrodisiacs come in many forms: food, drink, the internet ...

Violence of any kind, once it starts, is like fucking a gorilla-you ain't done till
the gorilla's done.

Its hard to stay up. Its been a long long day
And you've got the sandman at your door.
But hang on, leave the TV on and lets do it anyway.
Its ok.
You can always sleep through work tomorrow. Ok?
Hey, Hey, Tomorrow's just your future yesterday.
Tell the clock on the wall, "Forget the wake up call."
Cause the night's not nearly through.
Wipe the sleep from your eyes. Give yourself a surprise.
Let your worries wait another day.
And if you stay too late at the bar,
At least you made it out this far.
So make up your mind and say, "Let's do it anyway!"
Its Ok
You can always sleep through work tomorrow, ok?
Hey, Hey, Tomorrow's just your future yesterday.
Life's too short to worry about
the things that you can live without
And I regret to say,
the morning light is hours away.
The world can be such a fright,
But it belongs to us tonight.
What's the point of going to bed?
You look so lovely when your eyes are red.
Tomorrow's just your future yesterday.

I would prefer as a viewer to watch the mistakes. I am my own blooper reel, as it happens.

Remember the band, Flock of Seagulls? They had their van stolen. I was like, They still have a van?

Andy Warhol said that in the future everyone will be famous for 15 minutes. Facebook is exactly like that except you're not really famous and your 15 minutes goes on forever.

They've found a link between chemicals in shampoo and obesity. If you're eating shampoo, your weight is the least of your concerns.

Confession is a sacred rite enhanced by allegory, exaggeration, and lies.

Change is the law of God's mind and resistance to it is the source of all pain.

The sexy magazine in Britain in that time was called Club International. Club International: It was about as international as the International House of Pancakes. It should have been called Naked Cockney Girls with Scurvy.

It's Earth Day today. Let me tell you something about polar bears. They're endangered but you have to be careful because a polar bear is one of the few animals that will stalk a human. If you go to where polar bears live, it might stalk you and when you're on the plane going home, it might be behind you reading.

Look, there is nothing you can say about this show that I don't already know

Old people really do have a secret though. You wanna know what it is? Luck.

Climate change is a serious problem. We all need to do what we can. Unless that means I've got to change stuff. Then I'm not doing it.

I don't think being a comedian gives you any fucking insight into what makes people laugh.

The first day of spring is known as the vernal equinox. The equinox is special. It only happens twice a year, like a good night in ratings for NBC.

So far rich people have been very quiet about the possibility of getting taxes raised on them, but that doesn't mean they won't get mad about it, it just means they don't know about it. Because it takes a while for bad news to reach a rich person. First their accountant has to tell the butler, who has to tell the servant, who wouldn't dare interrupt their game of croquet.

Al Qaeda has declared war on the Somali pirates. That is awesome! Evil against evil. Like Alien versus Predator or Cheney versus his lawyer.

I just do my thing and try each show to be more honest about why I am and who I am. It's quite tricky and actually nerve-racking to do that. It's kind of a happy train wreck.

I knew that I had been partially right in the storeroom above the bar on Christmas Day.
Whoever I had become had to die.

You know who they're blaming for global warming now? This is true. Fat people.

In Washington, the U.S. House passed a bill unanimously. Every single member of both parties voted for it. What was it? To deny Social Security benefits to Nazis. So from now on, no SS for the SS.

Democrats are calling Christine O'Donnell 'the Sarah Palin of the East.' Really? She's a loud, emotionally unstable woman from Delaware. That's not Sarah Palin, that's Joe Biden.

A woman in Germany gave birth to a 13 1/2 pound baby. That baby was so fat his first word was strudel.

I've started looking at my own father a bit funny. He assures me, though, that I really am the son of a Scottish postman.

It's tricky turning a book into a movie. Sometimes people love the book so much that no adaptation lives up to what they imagined. You can avoid that disappointment by never, ever reading books.

Here in Los Angeles, school's out for summer. For thousands of school kids, this is the first week of summer vacation. And for thousands of parents, it's the first week of hell.

Ocean's 13 is all about cool people having a good time, and who doesn't want to see that? Well you, apparantly, 'cause you're watching me.

That's why Credit card companies are evil. Are they sponsoring the show tonight? ... They are Evil.

This story is true. Of course, there are many lies therein and most of it did not happen, but it's all true.
In that sense it is deeply religious, perhaps even biblical.

Here at CBS, spring also means March Madness. I love the name March Madness. I'm glad the PC police haven't made us change March Madness to early spring psychosis.

It's very interesting to know what people are doing while you're working on late-night television.

My father had a very unusual psychic ability, he could detect water. It's called divining. He would use a Y-shaped U-branch, and he could find water with that, which is a very impressive skill in a country where it rains 365 days of the year.

Why don't they allow professional wrestling at the Olympics? They allow pro basketball players and hockey players. Olympic pro wrestling would be awesome. The team from Mexico could wear those Mr. X masks. The French wrestler could hit his opponent with a baguette. Or perhaps just surrender.