Funny Stephine Plum Quotes

Now that we know you're not a hundred percent vampire you should stop trying to suck necks," I said to Ziggy.
"I'll try," Ziggy said, "but it's a hard habit to break. ~ Janet Evanovich

Opening my door to Dillon Ruddick, my bulding super. I handed him a cup of coffee. "Sorry about the blood."
"What was it this time?" No one reported gunfire."
"I hit a guy in the face with a hair dryer."
"Whoa." Dillon said.
"It wasn't my fault," I told him.
"Maybe we should lay down some linoleum here. It would make things easier for clean up. ~ Janet Evanovich

Some medical beast had revived tar-water in those days as a fine medicine, and Mrs. Joe always kept a supply of it in the cupboard; having a belief in its virtues correspondent to its nastiness. At the best of times, so much of this elixir was administered to me as a choice restorative, that I was conscious of going about, smelling like a new fence. ~ Charles Dickens

What the hell are those?" Zach pushed at my foot with his finger.

"My boots."

"It looks like your foot's being attacked by a Muppet. ~ Theresa Paolo

Funny, how good alcohol is at removing things, like blood stains from clothes, and accountability from people. ~ Erin Anastasia

Knock yourself out... Or rather, don't. ~ Eoin Colfer

Easy for you to say. You're the one who got plowed. I was doing the plowing. Cam's mouth opened. Oh my God, did I really just say that? I had. ~ Jennifer L. Armentrout

When I was in England I experimented with marijuana a time or two, and I didn't like it. I didn't inhale. ~ Bill Clinton

I wasn't close to my father, but I wanted to be all my life. He had a funny sense of humor, and he laughed all the time - good and loud, like I do. He was a gay Irish gentleman and very good-looking. And he wanted to be close to me, too, but we never had much time together. ~ Judy Garland

Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today. ~ Herman Wouk

By the power of the Tri-Force, I command you to
~ Prashna Bari

And I figured you'd drive a four-hour round-trip before giving up your car to someone else ~ Richelle Mead

I wash the clothes, rinse them and then scrub them again. Will that square little box do that? I am not using any fancy machines when my hands will do. ~ Renita D'Silva

Their vaginas were just ships passing in the night, stopping to pick up every dirty sailor. ~ K.F. Germaine

Dear Mommy
I'm doing really good,
I get all A's in school
And I don't cry at bedtime anymore,
Though my new mom said I could.
I remember how much you hate tears,
You slapped them out of me
To make me strong,
I think it worked.
I learned to use a microscope
And my hair grew two inches.
It's pretty, just like yours.
I'm not allowed to clean the house,
Only my own room,
Isn't that a funny rule?
You say kids are so much trouble
Getting born, they better pay it back.
I'm not supposed to take care
Of the other kids, only me, I sort of like it.
I still get the hole in my stomach
When I do something wrong,
I have a saying on my mirror
"Kids make mistakes, It's OK,"
I read it every day,
Sometimes I even believe it.
I wonder if you ever think of me
Or if you're glad the troublemaker's gone,
I never want to see you again.
I love you, Mommy. ~ Karyl McBride

If you wagered $5,000 on each of my winning NFL picks in 2012 and $500 ($550) on each of my losing picks, you'd be ahead $70,050. Wow. ~ Norman Chad

He put on a short-sleeved white T-shirt and tried not to flex when he checked his reflection in the mirror. Is this what women felt like when they put on miniskirts? ~ Rainbow Rowell

Bragging that you had sex with a prostitute is like bragging that you got Doritos out of a vending machine. ~ Natasha Leggero

He should probably make love to her. ~ Tara Janzen

I was never over-weight, just under-tall. The correct height for my weight at the moment is seven feet ten and a half inches. ~ Brendan Grace

Kindness, motherfucker, kindness. ~ Don Roff

Love and truth have no correlation. ~ Carol Plum-Ucci

Actually I never did stand up. I'm not that funny. ~ Maynard James Keenan

You should get a better boyfriend. One with an IQ higher than a turnip. ~ Robyn Carr

A run is more difficult to make than no save, because batting is in its nature a far less certain and reliable thing than bowling and fielding. ~ Ranjitsinhji

While you're singing something romantic, I can't get the lyrics to 'Love and Marriage' out of my head, and that tune always reminds me of the jingle from Jeopardy. ~ E.A. Bucchianeri

The difference between utility and utility plus beauty is the difference between telephone wires and the spider web. ~ Edwin Way Teale

And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone! ~ Rodney Dangerfield

You know they call corn-on-the-cob, "corn-on-the-cob", but that's how it comes out of the ground. They should just call it corn, and every other type of corn, corn-off-the-cob. It's not like if someone cut off my arm they would call it "Mitch", but then re-attached it, and call it "Mitch-all-together". ~ Mitch Hedberg

You think too much of your "toilette", Adele; but you may have a flower." I took a rose from a vase and fastened it in her sash. She sighed a sign of ineffable satisfaction, as if her cup of happiness were now full. I turned my face away to conceal a smile I could not suppress; there was something ludicrous as well as painful in the little Parisienne's earnest and innate devotion to matters of dress. ~ Charlotte Bronte

You have the maturity of a 14-year-old boy!" Kennedy hisses.
"And you have the chest of one. ~ Emma Chase

He has only half learned the art of reading who has not added to it the more refined art of skipping and skimming. ~ Arthur Balfour

I would really like to do a really cool one-hour show, maybe on, like, HBO or something like that; or something that I've spent a couple of years developing so it would be exactly the character and exactly in with a huge push behind it; or I would maybe want to do a sitcom; something light and funny. ~ Jennifer Love Hewitt

Some of the pictures I must say every now and then I just think are going to be funny. When it gets that much, you might as well just pull out all the stops and make it more of a burlesque. ~ Martin Mull

When women kiss it always reminds one of prize fighters shaking hands. ~ H.L. Mencken

Art is the proper task of life. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

I held in the sneeze, though, by thinking of the word cucumber. It always works. ~ Merrie Haskell

The ache of those words: Let's hear you. It put a plum in my throat to be the person who wanted to play but could not bear to play. To want the microphone but to stand in the back. To know there is a book in you but to never find the nerve to wrestle it out. I was so screwed up on the issue of performance. It's like I didn't want anyone to hear me, but I couldn't shut up. Or rather, I wanted everyone to hear me, but only in the way I wanted to be heard, which was an impossible wish, because nobody ever followed instructions. ~ Sarah Hepola

I want you to remember me when I was strong, hot and hunky, funny and oversexed ~ Christine Brae

I only take a drink on two occasions - when I'm thirsty and when I'm not. ~ Brendan Behan

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity. ~ Chris Rock