Drinking Funny Quotes

There is nothing wrong with sobriety in moderation. ~ John Ciardi

My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put forth an effort, I am reminded that my only true strength lies in drinking. ~ Chelsea Handler

Your insult has offended me. If we were at the Peaks, we would have to duel in traditional alil'tiki'i fashion."
"Which is what?" Teft asked. "With spears?"
Rock laughed. "No, no. We upon the Peaks are not barbarians like you down here."
"How then?" Kaladin asked, genuinely curious.
"Well," Rock said, "is involving much mudbeer and singing."
"How's that a duel?"
"He who can still sing after the most drinks is winner. Plus, soon' everyone is so drunk that they forget what argument was about."
Teft laughed. "Beats knives at dawn, I suppose. ~ Brandon Sanderson

- Mr. Alakbarov, how much is the rent for this fantastic apartment?
- Madam, this is the red wine aisle of the grocery store. ~ Fuad Alakbarov

When you paint late at night, drinking beer or wine or both, you gotta be very careful to watch what you are doing ... ~ Hiroko Sakai

I don't know what reception I'm at, but for God's sake give me a gin and tonic. ~ Denis Thatcher

Why don't I drink from a straw? Because straws are for suckers. ~ Abraham Lincoln

Alcoholism is the only disease that you can get yelled at for having. ~ Mitch Hedberg

We have always found the Irish a bit odd. They refuse to be English. ~ Winston S. Churchill

I like my wine like my women - ready to pass out. ~ Robin Williams

I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know. ~ W.C. Fields

My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass. ~ W.C. Fields

I only take a drink on two occasions - when I'm thirsty and when I'm not. ~ Brendan Behan

A woman is like beer. They look good, they smell good, and you'd step over your own mother just to get one! ~ Homer

She held her hand out in front of her. "Wait."
"No," I groaned and then cleared my throat. "I mean okay, I can wait. ~ Kenya Wright

Your perception is riveting, Amal," he says in a bored and sarcastic tone, dropping the note down on my desk. "It's comforting to know that there are people in my class who have the maturity and intelligence to make derogatory comments about other people's external appearances."
Now what am I supposed to say to that?
"What do you have to say for yourself?"
Friggin' mind reader. ~ Randa Abdel-Fattah

The torpid artist seeks inspiration at any cost, by virtue or by vice, by friend or by fiend, by prayer or by wine. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

I'd say I needed to find myself, if that didn't sound like I was heading into the Himalayas, taking only a backpack stuffed with angst and clean underwear. ~ Kelley Armstrong

Bob Moses, composer, drummer, poet, artist, conceptualizer, inspirer of people, has created a musical environment that is balanced between discipline and freedom, compositional design and spontaneous inspiration. A party with a purpose. This album is original, soulful, funny and very special. I hope a lot of people get as much enjoyment from it as I have. ~ Gil Evans

During the past few decades, modern technology, with radio, TV, air travel, and satellites, has woven a network of communication which puts each part of the world in to almost instant contact with all the other parts. ~ David Bohm

I love to do comedy, and I don't think of things as drama or comedy. I think that if it's a funny line, it's a funny line. If it's a funny moment, it's a funny moment. ~ Kathy Baker

It's lap 26 of 58, which unless I'm very much mistaken is half way. ~ Murray Walker

Ascend beyond the sickly atmosphere
to a higher plane, and purify yourself
by drinking as if it were ambrosia
the fire that fills and fuels Emptiness.
Free from the futile strivings and the cares
which dim existence to a realm of mist,
happy is he who wings an upward way
on mighty pinions to the fields of light;
whose thoughts like larks spontaneously rise
into the morning sky; whose flight, unchecked,
outreaches life and readily comprehends
the language of flowers and of all mute things. ~ Charles Baudelaire

We needed a refrigerator for our new place and I've never bought a refrigerator my whole life. I went into the appliance store, there's like 900 of 'em lined up, there's a salesman there. What's this guy supposed to say about refrigerators? Well you got this refrigerator here, This keeps all your food cold for 600 ... You've got this refrigerator, This keeps all your food cold for 800 ... Check this out, 1400, keeps all your food cold. ~ Brian Regan

You know, Elizabeth Taylor must be in Heaven going, 'Alright, fire two honey!' ~ Dana Carvey

I think that certain things are funny and certain things are okay to make fun of - including myself. ~ Mila Kunis

Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help. ~ Alex Haley

It was a sobering experience. ~ Lindsay Lohan

Well, I may not have a framed Latin diploma, but I know crazy talk when I hear it. Alcohol has been an important part of the human diet for thousands of years. The Bible is filled with references to people drinking alcohol, such as this quotation from the Book of Effusions, Chapter Eight, Verse Six, Row 7: ~ Dave Barry

YOU WILL DRINK THE COFFEE UNTIL I CAN SEE MY FACE IN THE BOTTOM OF THE CUP!" I did not mean to roar. "But it's a clay cup." "I DO NOT CARE!" He finished the coffee. "You did not have to finish it," I said, because I could perceive that he was rebuilding the Great Wall of China with shit bricks. ~ Jonathan Safran Foer

Do things that make you happy within the confines of the legal system. ~ Ellen DeGeneres

You saw him as disapproving of you. I thought him disapproving of me. Funny, isn't it?"
Not only funny, but a strange relief. Why hadn't she seen it? Rhys felt like an impostor here, too. [ ... ]
Tilting her head to the twilight sky, she mused, "Do you know what I think? I have a feeling that dour look on Lord Corning's face had nothing to do with either of us. Perhaps he'd just tasted something unpleasant. ~ Tessa Dare

I usually get distracted when I'm on the internet. I open one or two tabs to look something up for school but it turns out that I open more than 30 tabs, most of them irrelevant to my research. It's funny because it reminds me of getting to know people in my life. I have a goal and spending time with too many people might delay me from achieving it. I see it as if people were internet browser tabs. ~ Abdullah Abu Snaineh

Using the dagger next to him on the nightstand, Dante scored a fresh line on his wrist. He pressed the bleeding cut to Tess's lips, waiting to feel her respond, wanting to curse to the rafters when her mouth remained unmoving, his blood dripping down, useless, onto her chin.
"Come on, angel. Drink for me." He stroked her cool cheek, brushed a tangle of her honey-blond hair from her forehead. "Please live, Tess . . . drink, and live."

A throat cleared awkwardly from the area near the bedroom doorjamb. "I'm sorry, the uh . . . the door was open."

Chase. Just fucking great. Dante couldn't think of anyone he'd like to see less right now. He was too entrenched in what he was doing - in what he was feeling - to deal with another interruption, particularly one coming from the Darkhaven agent. He'd hoped the bastard was already long gone from the compound, back to where he came from - preferably with one of Lucan's size-fourteens planted all the way up his ass. Then again, maybe Lucan was saving the privilege for Dante instead.
"Get out," he growled.

"Is she drinking at all?"

Dante scoffed, low under his breath.

"What part of 'get out' did you fail to understand, Harvard? I don't need an audience right now, and I sure as hell don't need any more of your bullshit."
He pressed his wrist to Tess's lips again, parting them with the fingers of his blood by mild force. It wasn't happening. Dante's eyes stung as he stare ~ Lara Adrian

Kyria Abrahams, former teen bride of a doomsday cult and seeker of salvation in slam poetry, tells the terribly funny story of her improbable life with candor, wit, and an unsparing eye for the perfect detail. Brilliant. ~ Janice Erlbaum

I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That's where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and go to my sister's house and ask her for money. ~ Kevin Meaney

I'm a dog lover and sex addict. Those two things are unrelated. ~ Dark Jar Tin Zoo

[Mom] said she worked hard and saw to it he ate and got good clothes and had a place for himself. She said it funny and she said it so often you didn't hear it any more, but she did say it.
Pop also said he worked hard all day and when he came home he had a right. He said it to Mom and he said it to Jorry. Then Jorry would say whatever it was he always said, and nobody heard him either.
Jorry began to walk faster.
Because if there was a way to say something to Mom, and if she could say it to him and to Pop, so that they heard each other, they wouldn't need to stay mad or feel useless, not any of them. Like if somehow you can make people just listen to each other, not just listen to you. And you listen too. Everybody. ~ Theodore Sturgeon

I used to love being the class clown. I loved to make jokes and make people laugh. There was a set of students who would find it funny. But the cool students were like, 'Eeew!' ~ Issa Rae

I am disabled, so I can't travel, and I have not been to any development meetings, but Gary and the others affiliated with the film keep me updated on everything. ~ Laura Hillenbrand

It's a funny thing. It's an odd thing to have your dad just come and work with you. But I think they all enjoyed working with him. It was a lot of fun. David loved teasing my dad, but I know respects him very much and when he gave him direction, David was always trying to do what he asked and we had a lot of fun. ~ Emily Deschanel

These golf people seem unnaturally obsessed. They dress kind of funny too, and it's become a running joke for Gretchen and I to e-mail the most ridiculous golfing pictures back and forth to each other. Sometimes she adds hysterical captions. She never puts them on PitchBitch, though. We can't threaten the gravy train. ~ Shawn Klomparens

How has retirement affected my golf game? A lot more people beat me now. ~ Dwight D. Eisenhower

Her face looked like a fruit from which all the juice had been sucked. ~ Brian Herbert

Funny is always a good way to start when in doubt ~ Ocean R Stark

One's fantasy goes for a walk and returns with a bride. ~ Bernard Malamud

I just called you corny and said you were wearing a green dress. That's, like, the least flirtatious thing anyone's ever said."
"I'm willing to believe it's the least flirtatious thing you've ever said."
"Why are you so hard on me when I'm so nice to you?"
"Why are you so nice to me when I'm so hard on you? ~ Claire LaZebnik

My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away! ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive. ~ Jerry Seinfeld

We have to thank God for this retirement. ~ Virgil