Funny Thanksgiving Quotes

No One Diets on Thanksgiving. ~ Erma Bombeck

I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. It is never of any use to oneself. ~ Oscar Wilde

Ever since you're little you hear this: 'The pilgrims left England to escape religious persecution and sneak religious freedom into the new world.' But even when you're little you're like, 'Umm.. Bullsh*t?' ~ Greg Proops

Proper turkey preparation is critical. According to the U.S. Department of Agriculture, more Americans die every year from eating improperly cooked turkey than were killed in the entire Peloponnesian War. This is because turkey can contain salmonella, which are tiny bacteria that, if they get in your bloodstream, develop into full-grown salmon, which could come leaping out of your mouth during an important business presentation. ~ Dave Barry

People always think of Chinese food as the go-to ethnic food when everything else is closed during the holidays, but Indian is a nice alternative. Plus - Indians? Thanksgiving? Kinda makes sense ... ~ Erin Gibson

I love to eat. That's why I got so fat; I love to eat. If I don't walk away from a meal hurting, I didn't do it right. If I don't walk away from Thanksgiving dinner feeling like I've been turkey-f**ked in a gingerbread prison, I didn't do it right. ~ Greg Behrendt

The turkey that President Obama will pardon this Thanksgiving is from California. The turkey said, I don't need a pardon. I need a job.' ~ Conan O'Brien

God is glorified, not by our groans, but by our thanksgivings. ~ Edwin Percy Whipple

It was dramatic to watch my grandmother decapitate a turkey with an ax the day before Thanksgiving. Nowadays the expense of hiring grandmothers for the ax work would probably qualify all turkeys so honored with gourmet status. ~ Russell Baker

A penny for my thoughts oh no i'll sell em for a dollar their worth so much more after im a goner and then maybe you'll hear the words ive been singing funny when your dead how people start listening ~ The Band Perry

Remember, in China when you are one in a million, there are 1,300 other people just like you. ~ Thomas Friedman

Then you're seventy-five, friends are dead, and you've replaced at least one major organ: you have to pee four times a night, and you can't go up a flight a stairs without being little winded
and your're told you're in pretty good shape for your age.
[ ... ], in a decade you'll be eighty-five, and the only difference between you and a raisin will be that while you're both wrinkled and without a prostate, the raisin never had a prostate to begin with. ~ John Scalzi

It should not be an act of social disobedience to light a cigarette. Unless you're actually a doctor working at an incubator. ~ Dylan Moran

It would seem very silly to start a conversation with a common hedgehog. They are not at all like cats, who surely understand the human language. ~ Erin Forbes

I truly believe that the individual who learns to practice thanksgiving activates within himself and around himself continuous victories and blessings from God. ~ Norman Vincent Peale

Tell her about the screaming," Janelle said. "Because I can't."
"The screaming?" Stevie repeated.
"The other morning he started something called 'screaming meditation'," Nate said. "Guess what happens in screaming meditation? Did you guess screaming? For fifteen minutes? Because that's what happens in screaming meditation. Fifteen. Minutes. Outside. At five in the morning. Do you know what happens when someone screams outside at a remote location in the mountains, especially after a... ~ Maureen Johnson

Continental people have a sex life; the English have hot-water bottles. ~ George Mikes

The secret of business is to know something that nobody else knows. ~ Aristotle Onassis

I really, really like 'Eastbound & Down.' It's one of the few things that makes me laugh. It's almost too funny to get an award. ~ Denis Leary

The Church being what she is cannot have the instincts of a gentleman. ~ George Everett Macdonald

When people are missing out in their choices and cannot make a distinction between cheery, witty, funny, filthy or scurrilous walks of life, they will have a hard time to inhabit a pleasing and enriching life; and to integrate into a world of understanding and recognition. ("Love lying fallow " ) ~ Erik Pevernagie

There are ledgers. Those I kill. Those I reward."
"There are legends. You used to be one."
"I am a legend."
"Dani's a legend. Not you."
"This Dani appears to matter to you."
"Always."
"Perhaps you had a funny way of showing it. ~ Karen Marie Moning

Most comedy is based on getting a laugh at somebody else's expense. And I find that that's just a form of bullying in a major way. So I want to be an example that you can be funny and be kind, and make people laugh without hurting somebody else's feelings. ~ Ellen DeGeneres

It's funny how misery takes you straight back, connecting the dots through your life - the memories tumble out like sad photographs from a battered old album. ~ Keith Stuart

I always say that, like a scientist or anyone, you always want to be the problem-solver. You feel like, if you solve the greatest mystery or the greatest problem, then that makes you brilliant. It's the same thing with an actress. You want to be able to really tackle a character and make it a fully-dimensional human being who is complicated, funny and all the things that a person could be. ~ Viola Davis

He wondered if her spy had stumbled upon his last night. When did he start thinking like his mother? ~ Johanna Lindsey

For when I speak of the banality of evil, I do so only on the strictly factual level, pointing to a phenomenon which stared one in the face at the trial. Eichmann was not Iago and not Macbeth, and nothing would have been farther from his mind than to determine with Richard III 'to prove a villain.' Except for an extraordinary diligence in looking out for his personal advancement, he had no motives at all… He merely, to put the matter colloquially, never realized what he was doing… It was sheer thoughtlessness - something by no means identical with stupidity - that predisposed him to become one of the greatest criminals of that period. And if this is 'banal' and even funny, if with the best will in the world one cannot extract any diabolical or demonic profundity from Eichmann, this is still far from calling it commonplace… That such remoteness from reality and such thoughtlessness can wreak more havoc than all the evil instincts taken together which, perhaps, are inherent in man - that was, in fact, the lesson one could learn in Jerusalem. ~ Hannah Arendt

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks. ~ Emo Philips

We didn't even think about it, you know? I used to collect laser discs, and you'd have some college professor analyzing It's a Wonderful Life or Citizen Kane, and now it is pretty funny - the idea of commentary for a silly kid's movie, you know? ~ Dana Carvey

If you cut Jamie Carragher open, he'll bleed red. ~ Clive Tyldesley

I was raised by my grandparents, and they always made sure that I had a pencil and some paper, whether we were in the car or at a restaurant. While they were enjoying a nice meal, I would be sitting there drawing funny pictures of the waitress. ~ Jarrett J. Krosoczka

A lot of things run through your head when you're going in to relieve in a tight spot. One of them was, "Should I spike myself?" ~ Lefty Gomez

I was doing stand-up at a restaurant and there was a chalkboard on the street out front. It said, Soup of the Day: Cream of Asparagus. Ellen DeGeneres. ~ Ellen DeGeneres

I'd like to sit down with him and pick his brain, just a tiny bite somewhere in the frontal lobe to get a taste of his thoughts -Warm Bodies ~ Isaac Marion

I wrote myself a check for ten million dollars for acting services rendered and dated it Thanksgiving 1995. I put it in my wallet and it deteriorated. And then, just before Thanksgiving 1995, I found out I was going to make ten million dollars for Dumb & Dumber. I put that check in the casket with my father because it was our dream together. ~ Jim Carrey

I am a pretty good actor. Most of my friendships are based on the fact that I pretend to be outgoing and funny in social situations, but when I get home, I tend to isolate myself because I am actually somewhat bipolar and introverted. ~ Reese Roper

It upsets women to be, or not to be, stared at hungrily. ~ Mignon McLaughlin

Being bored is an insult to oneself. ~ Jules Renard

I'm rarely rude except accidentally, and that doesn't really count... ~ Laura L. Sullivan

I suggest a nationwide reading of the Holy Scriptures during the period from Thanksgiving Day to Christmas. ~ Franklin D. Roosevelt

It's funny because when you're a child, you believe you can be anything you want to be, go wherever you want to go. There's no limit to what you can dream. You expect the unexpected, you believe in magic, in fairy tales, and in possibilities. Then you grow older and that innocence is shattered and somewhere along the way the reality of life gets in the way and you're hit by the realization that you can't be all you wanted to be, you just might have to settle for a little bit less.
Or perhaps a variation of what you once wanted.
Why do we stop believing in ourselves? Why do we let facts and figures and anything but dreams rule our lives? ~ Cecelia Ahern

There's no time to waste," Kai said. He did a backflip off the tower and ran off.
"What is it with that guy?" Jay asked. "Always in a rush! ~ Greg Farshtey

Where in the Bible are we told in one verse not to do a thing and in the next to do it?

'Answer not a fool according to his folly, lest thou also be like unto him.' Prov. xxvi. 4.

'Answer a fool according to his folly, lest he be wise in his own conceit.' Prov. xxvi. 5. ~ Samuel Grant Oliphant

Do you ever take a holiday? Like, do any of you just wake up and think 'Today feels like a pyjama day.'? or is it always, 'Today is a good day for murdering and stalking.'? ~ Catherine Doyle

I spilled some vodka on the carpet, and I vacuumed it up, and the vacuum got drunk. I had to take the Hoover to detox. ~ Mitch Hedberg

I would ask my mother to show me how to walk - and she did show me. That's why I think it's funny when people say, 'Did so-and-so teach you how to walk?' And I always say, 'You must be talking about my mother, because it was my mother who taught me how to walk.' ~ Naomi Campbell

My heart sped up at the change in him. It was rare that I saw the hard-faced version of Preston standing in front on me. I was used to funny, pain-in-the-ass Preston. Easy-going Preston. The Preston who cuddled me when I needed it and held my hair back when I was throwing up, but before me was I'm-not-taking-this-shit Preston. Oh fuck!" ~ Ella, A Perfect Moment ~ Becca Lee

Many Americans follow pro basketball from November through June, for reasons that I found unexplainable, other than the fact that they were overly fascinated with soaring armpits. ~ Dan Jenkins

How much dip would a dipshit shit if a dipshit could shit dip? ~ Kelly Moran

So what indeed! The lesson I myself learned over and over again when teaching at the college and then the prison was the uselessness of information to most people, except as entertainment. If facts weren't funny or scary, or couldn't make you rich, the heck with them. ~ Kurt Vonnegut

You have a gorgeous ass, and it holds handprints beautifully.
Oh, well, how nice for me. ~ Cherise Sinclair

What women want: To be loved, to be listened to, to be desired, to be respected, to be needed, to be trusted, and sometimes, just to be held. What men want: Tickets to the World Series. ~ Dave Barry