Funny Drinking Quotes

I had to stop drinkin, cuz I got tired of waking up in my car driving ninety. ~ Richard Pryor

There is nothing wrong with sobriety in moderation. ~ John Ciardi

Best while you have it use your breath, There is no drinking after death. ~ Dario Fo

Trumpets are a bit more adventurous; they're drunk! Trumpeters are generally drunk. It wets their whistle. ~ Paul McCartney

There is no bad whiskey. There are only some whiskeys that aren't as good as others. ~ Raymond Chandler

Nobody cares that you're smart and nobody cares that your kids don't have bruises. ~ Jim Jefferies

I blew the lot on vodka and tonic, gambling and fags. Looking back, I think I overdid it on the tonic. ~ Stan Bowles

I don't have a drinking problem. I drink. I get drunk. I fall down, no problem. ~ George Burns

Drink today, and drown all sorrow; you shall perhaps not do tomorrow. ~ John Fletcher

It became sort of a snowball effect, with guys trying to deal in their own way with 9/11, whether it was drinking or whatever, ~ Denis Leary

I don't know what reception I'm at, but for God's sake give me a gin and tonic. ~ Denis Thatcher

Why don't I drink from a straw? Because straws are for suckers. ~ Abraham Lincoln

You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name
and you've never been to that bar before. ~ Zach Galifianakis

Alcoholism is the only disease that you can get yelled at for having. ~ Mitch Hedberg

I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know. ~ W.C. Fields

The British government has urged its citizens to abstain from alcohol at least two days a week. Or to make it easier to remember, whenever they brush their teeth. ~ Conan O'Brien

Whiskey is by far the most popular of all remedies that won't cure a cold. ~ Jerry Vale

You always miss 100% of the shots you don't order ~ Josh Stern

My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass. ~ W.C. Fields

I was a sober as the next guy. The only problem is the next guy was Dean Martin ~ Red Skelton

I only take a drink on two occasions - when I'm thirsty and when I'm not. ~ Brendan Behan

I am a drinker with writing problems. ~ Brendan Behan

No one is like you, Alex."
I grinned. "I'll take that as a compliment."
"It is." He nudged me again, and my grin gew into another ludicrous smile- the kind Caleb gave Olivia when they weren't tearing each other's heads off. "You're incredibly intelligent, Alex. Funny and ... "
"Pretty?"
"No, not pretty."
"Cute?"
"No."
I frowned. "Well, then."
Aiden's laugh sent shivers through me. "I was going to say 'stunning.' You're stunningly beautiful. ~ Jennifer L. Armentrout

Was already different because I was a twin. Funny how you can say that: I am a twin. Not I am one of twins, but I actually am A Twin. Like there's two of me all the time, this other one right here beside me whether you can see him or not. Or as if you're saying, I'm a Half. ~ Niall Williams

Paul is a liar, he said so. (Romans 3:7.) ~ Simon Ewins

What is it about hairdressers? You tell them 'not too short' and some part of their hairdresser brain hears this as 'whack the shit out of it.' If you never say, 'not too short,' everything is fine. You say it, & it's a guarantee you'll come out ready for the military> ~ Deb Caletti

When you think about flying, it's nuts really. Here you are at about 40,000 feet, screaming along at 700 miles an hour and you're sitting there drinking Diet Pepsi and eating peanuts. It just doesn't make any sense. ~ David Letterman

Adrian had a Guinness because I guess he felt like drinking a loaf of bread or something. That's what it smelled like, anyway. ~ Cherie Priest

If you were sane, we'd both be mad. ~ Fakeer Ishavardas

Are you wearing space pants?" Miranda asked him.
"What?"
How did it end? oh, right. "Because your butt is fine."
He gazed at her in that way he had like he was measuring her for straitjacket. "I think-" he started, then stopped and seemed to be having trouble talking. Cleared his throat three times before saying, "I think the line is 'because your butt is out of this world."
"Oh. That makes a lot more sense. I can see that. See, I read this book about how to get guys to like you and they said it was a line that never failed but i got interrupted in the middle and the line before it was about china-not the country, the kind you eat off of-and that is where the fine part was but i must have gotten them confused. He just kept staring at her. ~ Michele Jaffe

Let's hope my aging brain hasn't failed us." "Yes," Lana added. "Let's hope we're not in Canada or Mexico by now." "Very funny. ~ James Dashner

It's weird the way "finger puppet" sounds okay as a noun ... ladies. ~ Demetri Martin

Writing is all about tents: sometimes you're competent, sometimes you're eloquetent. ~ Kevin Focke

Well, friend, I don't know about your tastes, but I tend to like it very bloody," Myrnin said. He shifted position, dragging Claire along like a rag doll without any effort at all. "Have we been introduced?"
"Probably not. Why, are you asking me out, sweetheart?"
"You're not my type, darling. Is this one yours?"
"No," Frank said, and looked at Shane, just in a quick flicker. "Let's say she's a friend of the family. ~ Rachel Caine

Albert Einstein, who discovered that a tiny amount of mass is equal to a huge amount of energy, which explains why, as Einstein himself so eloquently put it in a famous 1939 speech to the Physics Department at Princeton, 'You have to exercise for a week to work off the thigh fat from a single Snickers.' ~ Dave Barry

The role of humour is to make people fall down and writhe on the Axminster, and that is the top and bottom of it. ~ Alan Coren

The best way to learn about wine is in the drinking ~ Alexis Lichine

while people go on chatting about a million and one things
I mostly sit and observe with ascended understandings
as they bring up the topic of death and of a person dying
I listen quietly while often accidentally smiling
at the absurdity of anybody ever believing in death
I don't mean to be insensitive towards a body's last breath
a higher Reality laid bare, bodily expiration is of no account
with this revelation incalculable life fears we surmount
the Sage is notorious for finding strange things funny
giggling at horrors and ridiculous events not so sunny
sometimes a straight face is merely for show
but spy the glint in his eye about a truth you don't know
an unfounded assumption is that we only live once
not a Mystic throughout history has avowed this occurrence
Christian ones may not have mentioned being reborn again
they also didn't deny it - their teaching was kept plain
just as the Buddha intentionally avoided the God concept
ultimately not essential, under the rug reincarnation is swept ~ Jarett Sabirsh

Did you just call me a numpty?"
"Yup. A delusional one."
"What, may I ask, is a numpty?"
"A person demonstrating a lack of knowledge of a situation; a silly person; an idiot; a dumbass. A delusional numpty: Joss Butler's stupid, idiotic, blind misconception of the true nature of her relationship with my brother, Braden Carmichael." She glowered at me, but it was an Ellie glower so it didn't really count.
I nodded my head. "Numpty. Good word."
She threw a cushion at me. ~ Samantha Young

I thought LeBron James was just going to be another addition to help me score ~ Ricky Davis

If you don't get a laugh I immediately think it's somebody else's fault. You can always blame the material. But when it's just yourself and songs that you've picked up because you love them and stories that you've written yourself and patter you think is really funny if that tanks, there's no one to blame it on. God knows, I try! ~ Jason Graae

You see much more of your children once they leave home. ~ Lucille Ball

It's funny how life works like a seesaw: Some things go up while others plunge down. ~ Sophie Kinsella

Jocko likes salty, Jocko likes sweet, but never bring Jocko any hot sauce, like with jalapenos, because it makes Jocko squirt funny-smelling stuff out his ears. ~ Dean Koontz

Whoa," Becky said, because the baby kicked her hard in the bladder.

Felix startled, backing up and nearly falling over a chair.

"Sorry, I was whoa-ing because right when you came in, the baby kicked, not because you're Felix Callahan. Oh, you know what it reminded me of ? When Elisabeth's baby kicks just as Mary greets her? Isn't that funny? As if I had some spiritual sign when I saw you."

Annette smiled, her eyebrows raised. Felix glared handsomely. Becky stamped down a desire to squirm.

"No, it's not terribly funny," Felix said, "particularly as I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Elisabeth, wife of Zacharias, cousin to Mary, mother of Jesus? No? Nothing?"

Felix looked at her with a careful lack of amusement.

"Oh, maybe you don't have the Bible in England. See, there's this guy named Jesus and his mother is named Mary, and well, it's a really interesting read if you don't mind parables. ~ Shannon Hale

He knew you can't really be strong until you can see a funny side of things. ~ Ken Kesey

What did Christ really do? He hung out with hard-drinking fishermen. ~ Iggy Pop

Almost anything can be funny if said the right way - but it has to be said the right way. ~ Kevin Hart

I train twice a day and I make sure I eat right. I'm an avid tea drinker and I enjoy the benefits of drinking MateFit. It gives me energy, speeds up my metabolism and helps me shed excess water weight. I also do everything from MMA sparring to strength and conditioning. I make sure to do a combination of different things with my training. ~ Miesha Tate

How to Drink Like a Gentleman: The Things to Do and the Things Not To, as Learned in 30 Years' Extensive Research. ~ H.L. Mencken

Funny how, when one part of your life falls away, the other bits that are left start looking rather feeble. ~ Mhairi McFarlane

The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who's really funny for a cartoonist, obviously. ~ Demetri Martin

I've always been a monster,' Scapegrace told her, 'but now, finally, my physical for reflects my inner darkness.'
'You smell terrible.'
'That's the smell of evil.'
'It's like rancid meat and bad eggs.'
'Evil, Scapegrace insisted. ~ Derek Landy