Hilarious Funny Quotes

We have North Shore, Hawaii and Lost all there, so they have softball tournaments between the casts. It's hilarious. ~ Josh Holloway

My favorite kind of humor is basically, if it was happening to you, it wouldn't be funny, but to observe it, it's hilarious. ~ Bill Burr

It's just funny that Americans have to contend with 2000 channels, and 60 different specific news sources, and the confusion that it creates, and the junk that we get to see is hilarious. ~ Adam McKay

When I met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always ~ Rita Rudner

When will I learn? The answers to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a
bottle. THEY'RE ON TV! ~ Homer

The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't. ~ Douglas Adams

The remarkable thing about Shakespeare is that he really is very good, in spite of all the people who say he is very good. ~ Robert Graves

A lot of people don't think of my work as being all that funny, but I think it's hilarious! ~ Fred Tomaselli

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. ~ Emo Philips

What I think is funny is when people, despite tragic situations, are still hopeful, still trying. It's sweet and sad - and, to me, hilarious. ~ Casey Wilson

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he's a baby. ~ Natalie Wood

Inappropriateness is funny to me. Rudeness is hilarious. ~ Zach Galifianakis

Laurence Olivier said in an interview once that when he plays a tragedy he always aims for the funny parts, and the other way around. Because in a comedy you look for what's serious. I think that's true. Sometimes things are really funny if you're absolutely earnest. If you're really serious, it's hilarious. ~ Christopher Walken

Mutations are exciting. They try to fix 'em when they come out. Did you see the two-headed baby they killed last month when they tried to cut it apart? That was hilarious! ~ Doug Stanhope

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash. ~ Jerry Seinfeld

Laughing, how can you fall asleep? It brings a state of no-mind and no-thought, and does not allow you to fall asleep. ~ Rajneesh

My parents didn't like me. For bathtub toys they gave me a blender and a transistor radio. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

It's funny with fiction - once you cut something, it hasn't happened anymore. ~ George Saunders

I can do comedy, so people want me to do that, but the other side of comedy is depression. Deep, deep depression is the flip side of comedy. Casting agents don't realize it but in order to be funny you have to have that other side. ~ Parker Posey

She never called her son by any name but John; 'love' and 'dear', and such like terms, were reserved for Fanny. ~ Elizabeth Gaskell

I love Mikhail Bulgakov. He is very original and takes the story to unexpected places. I didn't realise political writing could be so funny. ~ Denise Mina

I know it sounds abysmal…" he chuckled at the mere thought of it, "but I just want to be happy and content"

"Do you not dream big? Do you not want to travel?"

Kalki rounded his arms around his little brother. "Perhaps I chose not to. Perhaps big doesn't always matter. It's also the little things, specks of happiness that we go through in a day that we should look out for. It's funny how grief makes you realize the good things you have overlooked in life ~ Kevin Missal

Real racist jokes or sexist jokes aren't funny - not because they're offensive, but because they're not true. As soon as a joke is based on an untruth, it's not funny. ~ Ricky Gervais

He would've sworn the woman was a reincarnation of Holly Golightly, but this wasn't a Capote novel, no matter her resemblance to Hepburn. ~ Kelly Moran

I was greatly influenced by 'The Goons' and 'Monty Python' reconstituting what comedy was - it could come from a funny word, not just a set up and a pay-off. I liked the zaniness; they were satirical, slightly saucy and very literary in their references. ~ Sanjeev Bhaskar

My music is best understood by children and animals. ~ Igor Stravinsky

The post office says they're raising the price of stamps by one cent because they need to upgrade their equipment. Apparently, they're going from semi-automatics to uzis ... ~ Conan O'Brien

Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody? ~ Jon Stewart

I would not want to be a mobile home repo man. Those would be hard to sneak away - "Knock knock - Hi, would you go cut your grass and look that way for a half an hour?" ~ Mitch Hedberg

It's funny, the very things I needed to learn are the things I was trying to teach you. ~ Kate McGahan

No need, no, need. Life is already too short to find it. ~ Jessica Day George

Music is funny. I shouldn't even ever talk about music, because you can have all the ideas in your head, and it never goes exactly the way that you think it's gonna go. ~ Alicia Keys

No Tyson, the guy in the story did not attract the attention of a moose. Tyson is sad now. ~ Rick Riordan

Val had a horrific image of Lisa peering through a magnifying glass like a grotesquely teenybopper version of Nancy Drew - in jeggings. ~ Nenia Campbell

Ares sighed "What are the three words said most often in our house?"
"Not tonight, Ares?" Than offered.
"Funny," Ares growled. "Cara never says that. ~ Larissa Ione

Something can be very funny and then suddenly very terrifying-very exciting, and suddenly very ridiculous. I think that's what life is like, that's what interests me. ~ Joss Whedon

'Indiana Jones' wasn't physically tough, but they are the only two films I've ever been ill on. On 'The Last Crusade,' I got sciatica. That's when the sciatic nerve, which goes through the funny hole in your pelvis down your leg, swells and rubs against the nerves. ~ John Rhys-Davies

If it weren't for marriage, men and women would have to fight with total strangers. ~ Dave Barry

You had a talk? You think talk got us out of Egypt or Entebbe? Uh-uh. Plague and Uzis. Talk gets you a good place in line for a shower that isn't a shower. ~ Jonathan Safran Foer

To only call Wizards, Aliens, and Starships engaging would be a real understatement
it is a delightful, funny, and immensely interesting romp through science and fiction. From candlepower to teleportation, all the way to the fate of the cosmos in the span of a googol years, this is a cornucopia of teachable material. It is also a reminder of the simple thrill of applying science to the world around us, real or imagined. A new classic. ~ Caleb Scharf

I know jazz is completely un-American. But the reason why America doesn't like it is because it's not funny. We [americans] have made jazz funny. ~ Paul Provenza

As the day heats up, Peter convinces me to put down my French book and jump in the pool with him. The pool is crowded with little kids, no one as old as us. Steve Bledell has a pool at his house, but I wanted to come here, for old times' sake.
"Don't you dare dunk me," I warn. Peter starts circling me like a shark, coming closer and closer. "I'm serious!"
He makes a dive for me and grabs me by the waist, but he doesn't dunk me; he kisses me. His skin is cool and smooth against mine; so are his lips.
I push him away and whisper, "Don't kiss me--there are kids around!"
"So?"
"So nobody wants to see teenagers kissing in the pool where kids are trying to play. It isn't right." I know I sound like a priss, but I don't care. When I was little, and there were teenagers horsing around in the pool, I always felt nervous to go in, because it was like the pool was theirs.
Peter bursts out laughing. "You're funny, Covey." Swimming sideways, he says, "It isn't right," and then starts laughing again. ~ Jenny Han

When you're in a train and it breaks down, well, there you is. But when you're in a plane and it breaks down, there you AIN'T. ~ Amy Hill Hearth

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse. ~ Groucho Marx

How long have you been standing there?"
"Just long enough to see you give Daemon the middle finger."
"He deserved it. ~ Jennifer L. Armentrout

It's funny because the perception is that the typical 'X Factor' contestant is the person who's just working 9 to 5 and just decides to one day go and audition. So yeah, for me, it was a very different story. ~ Fleur East