Funny Religious Quotes

Me personally, I don't have anything against Jesus any more than I do any of the religious icons. I think they're all pretty funny. ~ Jack Black

If you believe in Odin and Thor, people laugh themselves to death. While it's okay to believe in a man who turned water into wine, and walked on water ~ Mads Mikkelsen

Blasphemy: a law to protect an all-powerful, supernatural deity from getting its feelings hurt. ~ Ricky Gervais

Life in Lubbock, Texas taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth, and you should save it for someone you love. ~ Nikki Sex

Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car. ~ Garrison Keillor

The most heinous and the most cruel crimes of which history has record have been committed under the cover of religion or equally noble motives. ~ Mahatma Gandhi

The only church that illuminates is a burning church. ~ Buenaventura Durruti

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. ~ Emo Philips

The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless. ~ Nicolas Chamfort

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself. ~ Peter O'Toole

The same means that have supported every other popular belief have supported Christianity. War, imprisonment, and falsehood; deeds of unexampled and incomparable atrocity have made it what it is. ~ Percy Bysshe Shelley

All women may not be beautiful but every woman can look beautiful. ~ Amit Kalantri

The real threat, as seen by the ACLU, is that religious behavior might give secular behavior a bad name, and that is, surely, unconstitutional. ~ William F. Buckley, Jr.

Motto for latin countries: If you're not late, you're not on time ~ Bogdan Vaida

I find it funny that people now come up to me and say, 'Wow, you are absolutely gorgeous. I'm like, 'I was beautiful before I lost weight. Egotistically speaking, I thought I was amazing.' ~ Raven-Symone

I just find it funny what people will comment on, I try to not pay that much attention to it, but the crazy part is that if I'm doing a squat and I have an action photo, they're like, "Oh your form is off!" And I'm like, are you kidding? I'm still at the gym and you're not! ~ Khloe Kardashian

It's a funny thing, 'The Office,' because millions and millions and millions and millions of people didn't watch it. But culturally, it is more of a phenomenon than almost anything else I can remember as far as British television is concerned. ~ Martin Freeman

To which hand do I choose to strike with when both hands are guided by the same heart? ~ Carroll Bryant

Roger Williams died sometime during the early months of 1683. Some of what he said and wrote during his lifetime belongs to the seventeenth century. But much of his historical and philosophical record speaks to us across the centuries. ~ Alan E. Johnson

Your body is nothing but an envelope, Karou. Your soul is another matter, and is not, as far as I know, in any immediate danger."
"An envelope?" She didn't like to think of her body as an envelope
something others might be able to open up and rifle through, remove things from like so many clipped coupons.
"I assumed you felt the same way," he'd said. "The way you scribble on it."
Brimstone didn't approve of her tattoos, which was funny, since he was responsible for her first, the eyes on her palms. ~ Laini Taylor

The thing I notice first about such people is their wonderful Christian charity. What kind of an electorate could, term after term, vote in a man of such ill-informed bigotry as Senator Jesse Helms, Republican of North Carolina? A man who has sneered: 'The New York Times and Washington Post are both infested with homosexuals themselves. Just about every person down there is a homosexual or lesbian.'122 The answer, I suppose, is the kind of electorate that sees morality in narrowly religious terms and feels threatened by anybody who doesn't share the same absolutist faith. I ~ Richard Dawkins

Van was feeding Christian as we walked in the door. I shielded my hands in front of my face to prevent from seeing her bare breast. "God damn woman, put that tit away!"

"I'm feeding my daughter. You want another taste?"

I started gagging immediately just thinking about how bad that shit tasted. "Hell no! I would rather eat dog shit. ~ Jennifer Foor

I find that those who voted for George W. Bush are less offended by his religious references, and those who voted for Bill Clinton did not seem offended at all when people prayed at his inauguration. ~ Gwen Ifill

Who would want him? he asks himself. Certainly not Ahana, who's funny, bright and so beautiful that it hurts. ~ Durjoy Datta

You can point to the alleged miracles of the Bible, or any other religious text, but they are nothing but old stories fabricated by man and then exaggerated over time. ~ Dan Brown

The hallmark of religion is to distrust claims made for mortal men. It is in ages of great religious faith that great skepticism can find expression. ~ Malcolm Muggeridge

When I got Writer's Block, I masturbated. ~ Takako Shimura

Kurt Vonnegut wasn't a chatty guy, but when he spoke, it was always clear and very funny, in the way that he wrote, in a very specific kind of combination of word groupings and expressions that lived somewhere else. ~ Susan Sarandon

What had been so funny? But you can never remember what you were laughing about, and even if you could, it seems doubtful that it would still be funny. ~ Rufi Thorpe

I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control. ~ Steven Wright

I am most often irritated by those who attack the bishop but somehow fall for the securities analyst
those who exercise their skepticism against religion but not against economists, social scientists, and phony statisticians. Using the confirmation bias, these people will tell you that religion was horrible for mankind by counting deaths from the Inquisition and various religious wars. But they will not show you how many people were killed by nationalism, social science, and political theory under Stalin or during the Vietnam War. Even priests don't go to bishops when they feel ill: their first stop is the doctor's. But we stop by the offices of many pseudoscientists and "experts" without alternative. We no longer believe in papal infallibility; we seem to believe in the infallibility of the Nobel, though ... ~ Nassim Nicholas Taleb

I'm just not very funny. ~ Ira Glass

I prize my own independence too much. And philosophically, I could never accept any rigid dogma or ideology, whether it's Christianity or Marxism ... The greatest crimes in history have been perpetrated by such religious and political and racial fanatics, from the persecutions of the Inquisition on down to Communist purges and Nazi genocide. ~ Saul Alinsky

If you can find the line between sympathetic and creepy, you have reached a very funny area. ~ Jason Segel

Because man is endowed with Reason, he can subdue his impulses in the service of moral and religious ideals, and is born to bear rule over Nature. ~ Joseph Hertz

He'd once had a religious conviction, but had been acquitted through lack of evidence. ~ Nigel Cole

Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy. ~ Emo Philips

The thing is, some girls think they can actually change guys. And what's funny is that if they actually did change them, they'd get bored. They'd have no challenge left. You just have to give girls some time to think of a new way of doing things, that's all. Some of them will figure it out here. Some later. Some never. I wouldn't worry about it too much. ~ Stephen Chbosky

It's just funny that Americans have to contend with 2000 channels, and 60 different specific news sources, and the confusion that it creates, and the junk that we get to see is hilarious. ~ Adam McKay

Sometimes funny is all you've got. ~ Amy Harmon

Alright, we put it away. We keep it hidden. We never speak of it again. No one knows it's here, do they? Do they, Gandalf? ~ Frodo Baggins

Reporters treat religion as beneath mention, as personally distasteful, or as a clear and present threat to the American way of life. ~ Robert Bork

Cheers,' she said as I left, 'and don't forget you're seeing Matt and I on Monday.'
I thought for a moment she'd said 'matineye', an East End pronunciation of 'matinee'. Was I meant to review it?
Then I remembered Matt was the production editor.
'Me won't forget,' me muttered as me went downstairs. ~ Sebastian Faulks

That looks like something out of the dumpster of planned parenthood. ~ Jim Norton

They only trusted the wisdom of people brighter and more worldly than themselves when it was expressed in the vocabulary and style of rural idiots. In his guise as Brazenydol, he had once had a contract with DARPA to teach a team of physicists the basic terminology of tractor pulls so that they could give an acceptable explanation of omniwavelength stealth to a Congressional committee that didn't understand tractor pulls, either. ~ John Barnes

He slid over to me and grabbed me closer to him. My smile fell from my face with the unexpectedness of it. His hands cupped my face, his lips hovering above mine.
"You seriously want to know, Tess?"
He closed the space and claimed my mouth with an urgent, hot, delving kiss.
He smiled. "You are sexy, in your own goofball way, you're sweet and beautiful and smart and funny and, although you kiss to the point where I feel like I want to go back for seconds, you're my best friend, and that's why I don't want to tap that. ~ C.J. Duggan

When you're fat, the world is divided into two groups - people who bug you and people who leave you alone. The funny thing is, supporters and saboteurs exist in either camp. ~ Elizabeth Taylor