Funny Beer Quotes

Beer makes all jokes funny. Beer makes ugly and fat women attractive, which is something ugly women can't do for themselves, because they're too busy getting fat. Beer is also refreshing and a good listener. ~ Dick Masterson

The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house. ~ Jeff Foxworthy

My first open mic, I drank a full pitcher of beer by myself. I wasn't afraid of being in front of people as much as, Is this funny? ~ Doug Stanhope

Beer may cause you to digress - and lead a happier life. ~ Michael Jackson

When will I learn? The answers to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a
bottle. THEY'RE ON TV! ~ Homer

There is no strong beer, just weak men ~ Dan Castellaneta

Homer no function beer well without. ~ Homer

When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer. ~ Dave Barry

I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know. ~ W.C. Fields

Beer ... a high and mighty liquor. ~ Julius Caesar

Paintings are like a beer, only beer tastes good and it's hard to stop drinking beer. ~ Billy Carter

Beer's intellectual. What a shame so many idiots drink it. ~ Ray Bradbury

I would not have thought of eating a meal without drinking a beer. ~ Ernest Hemingway,

In my opinion, most of the great men of the past were only there for the beer - the wealth, prestige and grandeur that went with the power. ~ A.J.P. Taylor

Beer is a wholesome liquor ... it abounds with nourishment ~ Benjamin Rush

A woman is like beer. They look good, they smell good, and you'd step over your own mother just to get one! ~ Homer

Dear Literary World, Sorry for breaking down your door ... I'll pay for that!!! Since I'm here and planning to stay a while, let me tell you some stories!! ~ C.K. Webb

I think the thrust of any child is to try to fit in and be part of it. And I can't tell you how many times my humor, you know, what I thought was humor ended up making me the outsider. Like I'd be, I go, 'It's a joke.' And they'd go, 'Well, what was funny?' And they just thought I was insane. ~ Howie Mandel

There you go. Perfect. And can you still throw up at will like you could in sixth grade? That would be good. ~ Adam Rex

Referring to Bogey's party: A lame excuse for all the idiots in our school to drink beer and rub up against each other in hopes of distracting themselves from the pathetic emptiness of their meaningless, consumer-driven lives. ~ David Levithan

Why are things always happy in Japanese restaurants? Just once, maybe I'd like to try the Sashimi of Discontent, or the Heartbroken Hand Roll ~ Amy Vansant

You should see yourself through my eyes, Raine Cooper. Gorgeous, fascinating, stubborn, funny, but I wouldn't have you any other way."
Torin St. James ~ Ednah Walters

It's really hard to maintain a one-on-one relationship if the other person is not going to allow me to be with other people. ~ Axl Rose

I like to quote Homer Simpson: 'I'm like a chocoholic except for alcohol.' I come from a long line of alcoholics. It's funny because when I first started making records, I was at the tail end of a period of sobriety, so I somehow got this reputation as Captain Sober. ~ Moby

I will never fit in because
I wasn't meant to ~ Cher Lloyd

Abscond - to move in a mysterious way, commonly with the property of another. ~ Ambrose Bierce

For me, I've worked hard for people to think I'm funny. ~ Nikki Cox

And this is your close friend, Drew?" he asked looking at Mark...

"Good buddy... Just hanging out here. Doing guy stuff."

"Talking about women. And sports. And beer. And uh..." Mark added.

"Condoms," Drew added and I rolled my eyes. Brilliant. ~ N.M. Silber

I didn't respond to that. I'm not scared of heights. I'm just scared of falling from heights. ~ John Zakour

The funny thing is that some reviews are published in magazines and websites that are seen by millions of people, and other reviews are in very small publications or less popular websites, and you just have to be lucky to have the good reviews land in places where more people see them, and bad reviews land in places where they will be less seen. ~ Jeffrey Lewis

I wouldn't be where I am without these Funny or Die videos in general. When I was first starting out, I would take roles just to get the experience, but not exactly because I believed in the projects I was doing. ~ Dave Franco

I don't have a drinking problem. I drink. I get drunk. I fall down, no problem. ~ George Burns

When you go to a bar that has a black light, everybody looks cool. Except for me, because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out. ~ Mitch Hedberg

She put her hand on her hip. "Where are you going?"
"To the boat. You called me Lord Bill again. That means we're cool."
Cerise slapped her forehead with the heel of her hand and followed him. ~ Ilona Andrews

It was funny, Grey thought. Not funny ha-ha, but funny strange, the whole idea of time. He'd thought it was one thing but it was actually another. It wasn't a line but a circle, and even more; it was a circle made of circles made of circles, each lying on top of the other, so that every moment was next to every other moment, all at once. And once you knew this you couldn't unknow it. Such as now the way he could see events as they were about to unfold, as if they'd already happened, because in a way they had. ~ Justin Cronin

You're so full of shit, if you ever had an enema you'd evaporate into thin air. ~ Catherine Doyle

New York ... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you. ~ David Letterman

Humor has become so cliche and boring that nothing's funny anymore unless it involves something totally disgusting that offends somebody or makes them feel really uncomfortable. ~ Tom DeLonge

I thought the line 'I am the daughter of the former governor of Alaska' was very funny. I think the word is 'sarcasm.' In my family we think laughing is good. My parents raised me to have a sense of humor and to live a normal life. ~ Andrea Fay Friedman

I speak languages with more ease than I read or write them, she explains. It is something in the feel of the sounds. I could attempt to put them on paper but I am sure the result would be appalling. ~ Erin Morgenstern

Beer, it's not just for breakfast anymore. ~ Mike Glover

Did you really just invite Adrian to your room later?" asked Lissa.
Avery shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe. Sometimes we hang out once you guys are all tucked into bed. You aren't going to get jealous, are you?"
"No," laughed Lissa.
"Just curious. Adrian's a good guy."
"Oh?" asked Christian. "Define 'good'." Avery held up her hand and began ticking items off with each finger. "He's devastatingly handsome, funny, rich, related to the queen ... "
"You got your wedding colors picked out?" asked Lissa, still laughing.
"Not yet," said Avery. "I'm still testing the waters. I figured he'd be an easy notch on the Avery Lazar belt, but he's kind of hard to read."
"I really don't want to be hearing this," Christian said. ~ Richelle Mead

Obnoxiousness had covered up my insecurities. ~ John Duover

Sure, there are good things, lots, sure, blow jobs, chocolate mousse, winning streaks, the warm fire in your enemy's house, good book, hunk of cheese, flagon of ale, office raise, championship ring, the misfortunes of others, sure, good things, beyond count, queens, kings, old clocks, comfy clothes, lots, innumerable items in stock, baseball cards and bingo buttons, pot-au-feu, listen, we could go on and on like a long speech, sure it's a great world, sights to see, canyons full of canyon, corn on the cob, the eroded great pyramids, contaminated towns, eroded hillsides, deleafed trees, those whitened limbs stark and noble in the evening light, geeeez, what gobs of good things, no shit, service elevators, what would we do without, and all the inventions of man, Krazy Glue and food fights, girls wrestling amid mounds of Jell-O, drafts of dark beer, no end of blue sea, formerly full of fish, eroded hopes, eruptions of joy, because we're winning, have won, won, won what? the . . . the Title. ~ William H. Gass

More gold has been mined from the thoughts of men than has been taken from the earth. ~ Napoleon Hill

No, I don't want you to leave. I'm just grabbing your coat and nudging your toward the door for fun #AHOLE ~ A.O. Storm

When a woman says nothing's wrong, that means everything's wrong. And when a woman says everything's wrong, that means everything's wrong! And when a woman says something's not funny, you'd better not laugh your ass off! ~ Homer

When people say "clean as a whistle", they forget that a whistle is full of spit. ~ George Carlin

It's funny how people think that they have "a right to life". Now isn't that the biggest load you ever heard? You don't have a right to shit your pants on Sunday. Let's take it back to the jungle. Where the fuck are your rights there? No layers in the jungle. Civilization has allowed the weak to survive. You can sit back and be an overweight, apathetic piece of shit, smoke your dope and still survive because you have a right to life. ~ Henry Rollins