Standup Comedy Quotes

Comedy is a funny thing, and it's really not like any other art form in that it's very specialized and varied in it's content, but generic in it's title. You would never go to a club just to see "Live music," you would go to a jazz club to see jazz, a blues club to see blues, etc. But when you go to see "standup comedy," if you don't know the performers material, you really don't have any idea what you're gonna get. ~ Joe Rogan

This is my chance to get out there and appease the fans of my music as well as show people that I do do standup comedy because a lot of people don't know that's where I started. ~ Nick Cannon

I will always love to perform standup comedy. ~ Shelley Berman

Have you ever noticed how a man orders food at a fast-food drive-through window? ... men have an innate desire to be cute while placing their order through the drive-through microphone. It's as if they believe the invisible mike on the plastic menu screen is actually connected to a standup comedy stage somewhere in the recesses of the restaurant. ~ Becky Freeman

I went to school with Steven Wright, who was the shyest guy I knew, and one day someone suddenly told me that he was in a club doing standup comedy. I went down to his club and he was great. Another friend of mine, who was pretty much a thief by trade, was hosting the show. So I thought, 'If these guys can do it, then so can I.' ~ Denis Leary

I'm now unemployed. It's a weird feeling with no work, but at least there's still golf. Standup comedy is like my core, it's what I do. But I want to be a pro golfer. It's a love/hate relationship with golf. I can come away feeling so serene, and yet, it's the thing that I can let get to me to throw a club and say curses that don't even exist. I'm obsessed with something that won't let me master it. I don't know. I need therapy. ~ Ray Romano

I always wanted to be a comedian. I loved comedy since I was a little kid, and while I was at university I started doing stand up shows. Once I realized that I was good at it I quit college and left although I had six months left. I went to England. I could have done the last six months but I realized that I was better at standup comedy than I was at singing opera. ~ Jim Jefferies

I like the honesty of standup comedy. People don't fake laugh. If they're truly laughing at you, you know they like you. ~ Brian Regan

There are two types of actors. There's the actors who can acknowledge that they could never do standup comedy. Then there's the pretentious ones, who believe that acting is harder than standup comedy. I definitely don't think it is. I also think making a comedy is substantially harder than making a drama. ~ Jim Jefferies

There was a transparency to comedy that I wasn't finding in poetry. Comedians can't pretend they don't have identities. They're up there, onstage, with their bodies against a brick wall like they're facing a firing squad. There's nowhere to hide, so they have no choice but to acknowledge their identities ("So you might have noticed I'm black") before they move on or drill down. It's also harder to bullshit one's way through comedy, because the audience cannot be convinced into laughter. Real laughter is an involuntary contraction that bursts out of you like an orgasm. You laugh from surprise but you're only surprised once, which is why comedy ruthlessly lives in the present. Nothing gets dated faster than a joke. ~ Cathy Park Hong

Had the facial plumage been of a paler hue it would have looked like a pile of horse crap on a winter's day. ~ St John Morris

I don't always want to see and be seen at the best parties, because I've done that for too many years. I want something real and true." I pause and shoot him a sideways look. "I want a real partner, not a boyfriend who brings home a twenty two year old twink to make up a threesome for my birthday present."
"What the fuck?"
I look at him and start laughing helplessly. "I just wanted the latest Jeremy Clarkson biography. ~ Lily Morton

I do some of my best stand-up comedy during sound checks. ~ Madonna Ciccone

-"He loved her ... It was noble of him. It was beautiful."
-"It was stupid. ~ Lloyd Alexander

It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was. ~ Rita Rudner

I could never be a politician, I have a problem of too often being honest. ~ Carl R White

Molly Shannon and I used to always talk about that we really felt strongly that we were comedic actors, that we weren't comedians. You just played things real and the comedy came out of the context. ~ Will Ferrell

This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two. ~ George Burns

I like a certain style of show, I like a certain pace, I like a rhythm, I like a lot of comedy in with my drama. ~ Amy Sherman-Palladino

I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? ~ Jerry Seinfeld

When I do comedy, my brain sort of locks up in the infinite possibilities. That's where I get sort of lost. I think, "Oh, there are six other jokes that we could say here!" I feel more at home with drama. ~ Ryan Reynolds

Jack Paar took a vacation at the end of May 1958 and Johnny Carson filled in, hosting The Tonight Show for the very first time. It was a historical moment that at the time was dismissed. 'With Carson navigating, it was wholesome, intelligent and mostly dull,' wrote Variety. 'The experience of his helmship will never go down as memorable either for a Carson appearance or for an edition of the show. ~ Kliph Nesteroff

Every time I think about writing, comedy doesn't interest me in the slightest. I can play comedy, but I don't think in terms of comic dialogue. ~ Jim Parsons

My comedy notebooks are filled with random journal entries. It's all the same. I can look back on old joke notebooks, and know exactly what was going on in my life. ~ Sarah Silverman

I'd love to have a shitty job. I couldn't hold any down. Standup was the only thing I could stick with. I'm an idiot that way. ~ Louis C.K.

I think the writers give us different people to work with, different situation scenarios to be in and there's always that fun balance of, you know, trying to keep it light and, you know, light-hearted and put in the comedy while trying to make it into drama. ~ Hayden Panettiere

You can (be a middle-aged comic) if you work very hard at it, because comedy is really hard. ~ Andrew Denton

Stalking?" Brad made a face, drawing back as if he'd been asked to host a Pampered Chef party. "I didn't say anything about stalking. All I want you to do is stick close to her and check out who she talks to ... see where she goes ... maybe find out what kind of guys are approaching her. That sort of thing. Then report it all back to me. ~ Jennifer Shirk

The most memorable performance was my appearance in concert in Carnegie Hall. The first standup to do so. ~ Shelley Berman

Drama is played at the pace of chess ... or billiards ... or poker. Engrossing? Sure. But comedy is played at the jubilant, high-octane speed of sports like basketball or hockey. ~ Mark Waters

Oh, uh-uh," Shaundelle said. "I'm not gonna be no place where no ghost is gonna be knockin' nobody upside the head. I'm outta here. I'm not going to take any chances that some ghost is gonna mess up this pretty face. ~ Deborah Leblanc

I gravitate towards dark comedy, because I'm a huge fan of dark comedy. I always think the most painful thing that you can laugh at is the best. ~ Jamie Babbit

The Divine Comedy, and indeed our own spiritual life, is not about rejection, or suppression, it is about redemption. ~ Malcolm Guite

Golf was my first glimpse of comedy. I was a caddy when I was a kid. I was on the golf course rather than being in lessons, but I can play better now than I could then. ~ Bill Murray

I'm actually way more funny now, because I'm hungry ... If comedy comes from pain, I should be funnier now than I ever was. ~ Seth Rogen

If you are reading this, I'm dead. Don't celebrate too much. Jesus is watching. ~ Katie Graykowski

She's not tsundere. She's just an unpleasant woman. ~ Wataru Watari

Some people learn comedy, and some people just are comedy. ~ Chris Hardwick

When I was in improv workshops or doing stand-up or writing comedy with others, or just doing comedy, I just laughed. Funny was funny; I loved to laugh. I always liked people I found generally funny. ~ Michael Keaton

If you had to relive your life exactly as it was – same successes and failures, same happiness, same miseries, same mixture of comedy and tragedy – would you want to? Was it worth it? ~ Gavin Extence

That era provided a profusion of wonderful actors and actresses to admire - and not always the ones remembered by posterity. Take Joel McCrea, for instance, a real cowboy and a good actor who could excel in westerns like Union Pacific or The Virginian, but who was also wonderful in comedies like The Palm Beach Story for Preston Sturges - and comedy is the hardest thing an actor can do. ~ Robert Wagner

Guys play characters that won't grow up and something catastrophic happens and they have to grow up to save the day - that's pretty much what today's comedy is about. ~ Chris Rock

I've known Harvey for over 40 years and I worked with him on the Burnett show for 11 years. I guess you could say we're about as close as you can get to being a comedy team. ~ Tim Conway

Black people dominate sports in the United States. 20% of the population and 90% of the final four. ~ Chris Rock

The most recent of the iamides, heavily advertised - authentium. Creates synthetic recollections of things that never happened. A few grams of dantine, for instance, and a man goes around with a deep conviction that he has written The Divine Comedy. Why anyone would want that is another matter and quite beyond me. ~ Stanislaw Lem

With female-oriented movies, unless it's something like 'Bridesmaids' or a romantic comedy, you've got to really worry about your opening weekend. And I'm always telling stories about women, not younger women, and it's just a much tougher audience to get to the movie theater. ~ Callie Khouri

I will do comedy until the day I die: inappropriate comedy, funny comedy, gender-bending, twisting comedy, whatever comedy is out there. ~ Sandra Bullock

What's wrong?" Billy's question had me looking up. My second-oldest brother was already dressed for work in his suit and tie. "And shouldn't you be fishing with Hank?"

"I cancelled. I have an errand to run." Grabbing a coffee cup from the cabinet, I tossed a thumb over my shoulder. "The toilet is acting funny."

"Like what? You mean satire?" This question came from Cletus, not bothering to glance away from where he was reading at the table. He was still in his pajamas, his curly hair a mess.Nevertheless, I was surprised to see him up so early.

"No, I mean - "

"I hope it's a dark comedy," he added, still not removing his attention from the newspaper.

"Cletus. That's disgusting."Sitting across from Cletus, Duane's tone was reprimanding.

Finally, Cletus tore his eyes from the paper. "What?"

"Dark comedy?" My twin lifted his eyebrows."Meaning poop?"

"No, Duane." Cletus paired this with a suffering sigh.

"That would make it a shitty comedy," I piped in, adding fuel to the conversation fire as I was prone to do, feeling more myself as I smiled.

"Y'all are a bunch of toilets," Billy mumbled under his breath.

We all turned our attention to our older brother, with Cletus speaking for us, "Let me guess, because toilets in this house actfunny?"

Billy tilted his cup toward Cletus. "Exactly."

I grinned, the rawness in me settling. Being around my b ~ Penny Reid

I often say that ... I'm just involved in comedy, so I can be around it. ~ Judd Apatow

When you do a movie as opposed to a TV show, it's always tempting to think everything has to be big and exaggerated and spectacular. And in fact, a lot of the funniest comedy films have been very intimate. ~ Armando Iannucci

A good musical comedy consists largely of disorderly conduct occassionally interrupted by talk. ~ George Ade

Two hours later, a noise resembling a hippo rolling along a corrugated iron roof shook Jane from her doze and Rob bursts through the living room door. ~ Dougie Brimson

I think proteins are really good for your brain. And your brain is where comedy comes from. ~ Carrie Brownstein

The best comedy I ever did was when people didn't know who I was. ~ Chevy Chase

I'm just looking to make good movies and looking to be as good as I can be in them and that's about it. But I feel much more comfortable doing a comedy, but the fact that I got to try a few dramas, I feel I've tested myself a little bit. ~ Adam Sandler

People often say to me: Oy! Get out of my garden. ~ Michael Redmond