Dark Humor Quotes

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Quotes About Dark Humor

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#1. In 5-billion years the Sun will expand & engulf our orbit as the charred ember that was once Earth vaporizes. Have a nice day. - Author: Neil DeGrasse Tyson
Dark Humor quotes by Neil DeGrasse Tyson
#2. тот что нас не убивает нас не интересует. 'That which cannot kill us does not interest us.' Exhaling poison, he explains, 'Nice sentiment shared by thieves and Bratva. - Author: Tanya Thompson
Dark Humor quotes by Tanya Thompson
#3. It's so hard being goth. You have to have a bad time everywhere. - Author: Clint Catalyst
Dark Humor quotes by Clint Catalyst
#4. Although this scouting gig sounded like a financial hit, it made Nonie extremely nervous. She feared someone slip--that someone being Buggy--and others would find out Nonie's secret. And if the wrong person caught wind that she could see and speak to the dead, word would spread through Clay Point like ants at a picnic. - Author: Deborah Leblanc
Dark Humor quotes by Deborah Leblanc
#5. Give the wilding an axe, why not?" He pointed out Mormont's weapon, a short-hafted battle-axe with gold scrollwork inlaid on the black steel blade. "He'll give it back, I vow. Buried in the Old Bear's skull, like as not. why not give him all our axes, and our swords as well? I mislike the way the clank and rattle as we ride. We'd travel faster without them, straight to hell's door. Does it rain in hell, I wonder? Perhaps Craster would like a nice hat instead."
Jon smiled. "He wants an axe. And wine as well."
"See, the Old Bear's clever. If we get the wildling well and truly drunk, perhaps he'll only cut off an ear when he tries to slay us with that axe. I have two ears but only one head. - Author: George R R Martin
Dark Humor quotes by George R R Martin
#6. There is a moment of sheer panic when I realize that Paul's apartment overlooks the park ... and is obviously more expensive than mine. - Author: Patrick Bateman
Dark Humor quotes by Patrick Bateman
#7. I wonder if I could eat a child if I had the chance.'
'I doubt if I could cook one,' said Constance. - Author: Shirley Jackson
Dark Humor quotes by Shirley Jackson
#8. In the days that followed, the Baudelaire orphans had pits in their stomachs. In Sunny's case it was understandable, because when Klaus had divided the peach, she had gotten the part with the pit. - Author: Lemony Snicket
Dark Humor quotes by Lemony Snicket
#9. You are fifty different kinds of twisted."
"Only fifty? Val, you wound me. - Author: Nenia Campbell
Dark Humor quotes by Nenia Campbell
#10. All life is in vain, for Death makes a nonsense of pain. - Author: Gasmaskman
Dark Humor quotes by Gasmaskman
#11. I get diarrhea more often than the average Muslim. - Author: Magnus Wilton
Dark Humor quotes by Magnus Wilton
#12. Ordinarily, anyone who made such a remark to my face would go to the top of my short list for strychnine. - Author: Alan Bradley
Dark Humor quotes by Alan Bradley
#13. The four hearse-horses, especially, reared and pranced, and showed their highest action, as if they knew a man was dead, and triumphed in it. "The break us, drive us, ride us; ill-treat, abuse, and maim us for their pleasure - But they die; Hurrah, they die! - Author: Charles Dickens
Dark Humor quotes by Charles Dickens
#14. That's wonderful news" Clairmont said. "Can you get this lady some tea when you have a chance? She's threatened to kill for it."
"Won't be necessary, dearie," Mary told me with a smile. "We serve tea without bloodshed. - Author: Deborah Harkness
Dark Humor quotes by Deborah Harkness
#15. The rest of us can find happiness in misery. - Author: Fall Out Boy
Dark Humor quotes by Fall Out Boy
#16. Beyond all of that, I could see the wall I had seen from inside the train, the wall that runs along the train line. I assumed that there, behind it, was the west, and I was right. I could have been wrong, but I was right.' If she had any future it was over there, and she needed to get to it.
I sit in the chair exploring the meaning of dumbstruck, rolling the word around in my mind. I laugh with Miriam as she laughs at herself, and at the boldness of being sixteen. At sixteen you are invulnerable. I laugh with her about rummaging around for a ladder in other people's sheds, and I laugh harder when she finds one. We laugh at the improbability of it, of someone barely more than a child poking around in Beatrix Potter's garden by the Wall, watching out for Mr McGregor and his blunderbuss, and looking for a step-ladder to scale one of the most fortified barriers on earth. We both like the girl she was, and I like the woman she has become.
She says suddenly, 'I still have the scars on my hands from climbing the barbed wire, but you can't see them so well now.' She holds out her hands. The soft parts of her palms are crazed with definite white scares, each about a centimeter long.
The first fence was wire mesh with a roll of barbed wire along the top. - Author: Anna Funder
Dark Humor quotes by Anna Funder
#17. When people asked about his schizophrenia, Eric, who didn't exactly flaunt his illness but wasn't ashamed of it, either, offered up the comparison of alcoholism. Not every drunk is a single bourbon away from skid row, just like every schizophrenic is not a tatty-haired, crazy-eyed gunman who delights in murdering alien-people from clock towers. There are functioning alcoholics just as there are functioning schizophrenics, individuals who work, maintain homes, and have hobbies, goals, and relationships like every other slob on the planet. - Author: Vivian Barz
Dark Humor quotes by Vivian Barz
#18. Pete?" I say, my voice crackling. "Please don't die."
Pete gives me a dazzling smile and bows. "To die will be an awfully big adventure." He blows me a kiss and pulls the heavy door shut with a metallic clank, leaving me alone in the dark. - Author: Wendy Spinale
Dark Humor quotes by Wendy Spinale
#19. The general plot of life is sometimes shaped by the different ways genuine intelligence combines with equally genuine ignorance. - Author: Lucy Grealy
Dark Humor quotes by Lucy Grealy
#20. When Roy began to pace, smart people hid. - Author: Madeline Pryce A.K.A. FAyth Devlin
Dark Humor quotes by Madeline Pryce A.K.A. FAyth Devlin
#21. I like dark humor. My favorite movie of all time is 'Harold and Maude.' - Author: Leslie Mann
Dark Humor quotes by Leslie Mann
#22. He took a long draw then asked, "What'd I do?"
"You knew about the guy threatening my dad?"
He paused, shifted in his chair, so freaking busted, it wasn't funny. "They told you?"
"Why, no, Swopes, they didn't. Instead, they waited until the guy knocked the fuck out of my dad and readied him for spaceflight with duct tape then tried to kill me with a butcher's knife. - Author: Darynda Jones
Dark Humor quotes by Darynda Jones
#23. I guess all my afternoon beers and burgers were catching up with me, which made me want to scream THEN WHY NOT MY HAIR!? - Author: Jonas Eriksson
Dark Humor quotes by Jonas Eriksson
#24. I tried to find a word for it in my thesaurus, but there isn't one. At least, not one that doesn't belittle the plight of POWs and victims of famine. I guess we can just call it beyond suck. -Lulu Dark - Author: Bennett Madison
Dark Humor quotes by Bennett Madison
#25. Drainage tubes ran out of his belly and side, and there was a catheter the size of a pencil coming out his penis. Nothing particularly hurt, so he had to assume he was on pretty nearly all the narcotics there were. - Author: James S.A. Corey
Dark Humor quotes by James S.A. Corey
#26. I firmly disagree with anyone who says humans are the most advanced, or the most intelligent species on the planet. In fact, only three animals have ever threatened to kill me: humans, their dogs, and a particularly aggressive species of house spider. - Author: Israel Morrow
Dark Humor quotes by Israel Morrow
#27. Try & try until you cannot succeed. - Author: Self
Dark Humor quotes by Self
#28. Bah-Bah-black sheep, have you any soul?
No sir, by the way, what the hell are morals? - Author: Set It Off
Dark Humor quotes by Set It Off
#29. I'll just do a round around of the house and make sure the rest of the family are fast asleep. We don't want that sharp-nosed aunt of yours catching us when we find the diamonds." "What diamonds?" "Think positive for once ... Which would you rather, diamonds or the remains of a murdered maidservant? It's all a question of attitude. - Author: Kerstin Gier
Dark Humor quotes by Kerstin Gier
#30. The contrast between the friendly greeting and the weapons propped against their shoulders is almost humorous. - Author: Veronica Roth
Dark Humor quotes by Veronica Roth
#31. Most people don't understand what humor is. They think it's something lighthearted and cheerful. Like 'good humor.' But it isn't. It's looking into the darkness and spitting at it with a joke. Humor is dark. Humor is that we're all going to die. - Author: B.G. Harlen
Dark Humor quotes by B.G. Harlen
#32. A flat screen television lowered into view. It showed an animated Islamic documentary that focused mostly on the importance of wearing the proper attire. The final prophet was quoted often, yet absent from the feature.
"If this Mohammed guy is so great, why wouldn't they put him in the cartoon?" Kira wondered. - Author: Magnus Wilton
Dark Humor quotes by Magnus Wilton
#33. They condemn our town. Separate it from their own, where the same secrets pulse. - Author: T.E. Carter
Dark Humor quotes by T.E. Carter
#34. Maybe tranquility is the dirt under my nails. I know it's there but I never feel like digging it out. - Author: Casey Renee Kiser
Dark Humor quotes by Casey Renee Kiser
#35. Heart condition? That's rich. I guess you can call a heart not beating a condition.-PJ - Author: Nessie Strange
Dark Humor quotes by Nessie Strange
#36. Rap un zeal' Demon within. I might as well put up a giant 'Come and Get Eaten' sign for the good those warning runes do. - Author: Sabrina Zbasnik
Dark Humor quotes by Sabrina Zbasnik
#37. There is sometimes a fine line between a cop and a criminal. What drives their personality may be the same, and they have simply chosen different roles and professions to call their own."

Dr. ML Rapier PhD, Clinical Psychologist. - Author: M.L Rapier
Dark Humor quotes by M.L Rapier
#38. (Eve)"Hold on. You have to give them a gift for moving?"
"Uh-huh. Plus they're shacking, so it should be a couple thing." She (Mavis) ate another canape, fed on to Leonardo.
"Why does there have to be a gift for every damn thing?" Eve complained.
"Retail conspiracy." Roarke patter her knee.
"I bet it is," Eve said darkly. "I just bet it is. - Author: J.D. Robb
Dark Humor quotes by J.D. Robb
#39. I love dark humor. I love things that are so grounded in life, but just happen to be just a little bit twisted because my sense of humor is a little bit twisted. I love jokes that shouldn't be funny, but are. Those types of things just really make me laugh. - Author: Rockmond Dunbar
Dark Humor quotes by Rockmond Dunbar
#40. You sick bastard," she said.
"Yes, I guess you could call me that." Terry replied. - Author: Jonas Eriksson
Dark Humor quotes by Jonas Eriksson
#41. I quite like dark humor. - Author: Marina And The Diamonds
Dark Humor quotes by Marina And The Diamonds
#42. DECAPITATION.
I simply love the word. Head over heels. - Author: Ishbelle Bee
Dark Humor quotes by Ishbelle Bee
#43. Nothing shows you the straight line from here to death like a list. - Author: Chuck Palahniuk
Dark Humor quotes by Chuck Palahniuk
#44. All I did was offer to kill your dog, and the next thing I know I'm being judged. - Author: Tom Upton
Dark Humor quotes by Tom Upton
#45. After the first week I knew every line, freckle and scar on his body. Some might call it obsessive. I called it having an attention to detail. I can't help it if I'm overly observant. - Author: Madeline Pryce A.K.A. FAyth Devlin
Dark Humor quotes by Madeline Pryce A.K.A. FAyth Devlin
#46. It all jibed, and the books would close on Jasper as death by misadventure. Unofficially, Eve labeled it death by stupidity, but there wasn't a place on the sheet for that particular observation. - Lt. Eve Dallas on a drunk fall off the roof - Author: J.D. Robb
Dark Humor quotes by J.D. Robb
#47. Think about the people who come here," Nick says. "Writers and artists, scientists and captains of industry. Think of all they give to the world. Now think of yourself, Jules. What are you? What do you offer? Nothing. - Author: Riley Sager
Dark Humor quotes by Riley Sager
#48. -You give her a three, he said ...
-That three was entirely fitting, I said. It was complete garbage. Not the kind of thing I expect the
students to hand in ... In addition to the Second World War, I also deal with a large part of the history that came afterwards,' I interrupted again. Korea, Vietnam, Kuwait, the Middle East and Israel, the Six-Day
War, the Yom Kippur War, the Palestinians. I deal with all of that during my classes. So then you
can't expect to turn in a paper about the state of Israel in which people mostly pick oranges and dance
in sandals around a campfire. Cheerful, happy people everywhere, and all that horseshit about the
desert where flowers blossom again. I mean, people are shot and killed there every day, buses are
blown up. What's this all about?
-She came in here crying, Paul.
-I'd cry too if I turned in garbage like that. - Author: Herman Koch
Dark Humor quotes by Herman Koch
#49. I was very strict on that point. No devouring classmates." Jeremy rolled his eyes. "Other parents warn their kids not to talk to strangers. I had to warn mine not to eat them. - Author: Kelley Armstrong
Dark Humor quotes by Kelley Armstrong
#50. Francis Ford Coppola - A man climbs a mountain and they call him a hero. I climb mountains that aren't even there. - Author: Madeline Moore
Dark Humor quotes by Madeline Moore
#51. You have to figure that there is something seriously wrong with somebody who wants to enter a profession that deals with whether people are screwing enough. Dealing with spirits, spooks, and demons almost seemed normal. - Author: Tom Upton
Dark Humor quotes by Tom Upton
#52. When God created fools he put the biggest of them into uniform and gave them helmets to prevent any thoughts entering their heads. - Author: M. R. C. Kasasian
Dark Humor quotes by M. R. C. Kasasian
#53. Something bad was about to happen. My wife was being clever again. - Author: Gillian Flynn
Dark Humor quotes by Gillian Flynn
#54. Bomb', Reyes said, not bothering to look up.
'One of ours?' Maddox insisted ...
'Hardly. I know better than to blow myself up,' Reyes sighed. - Author: Gena Showalter
Dark Humor quotes by Gena Showalter
#55. I'm as lucky as a bed of oysters on cioppino night. - Author: Nenia Campbell
Dark Humor quotes by Nenia Campbell
#56. He had to say that the thing he found most attractive about her was that she had tried to kill herself. Now that was interesting
sexy, almost, in a morbid kind of way. - Author: Nick Hornby
Dark Humor quotes by Nick Hornby
#57. I glanced up at the trees too.
Dead. Every one of them gray and white, needles rusted, leaves shriveled at the tips of branches. All the life sucked out of them. Not just the trees. All the plants, ferns, grasses and brush were shriveled, brown, barren.
As if a month of winter had set down right here in my driveway and gone on a killing spree.
...
"Love what you've done with the landscape," Cody said. "You could open your own business, you know."
...
"The hell you talking about, Miller?" I asked Cody.
"Yard care. You're poison and weed whacker all in one. You can call it Death to All Shrubbery. - Author: Devon Monk
Dark Humor quotes by Devon Monk
#58. Oh, precious losing streak,
you're too cute for your own good.
I try to laugh about it
but my face is made of wood. - Author: Casey Renee Kiser
Dark Humor quotes by Casey Renee Kiser
#59. There are fears that Britain could be facing a double-dip recession, or worse still, a double-dip with misery sprinkles and fuck-where's-my-job-sauce. - Author: Frankie Boyle
Dark Humor quotes by Frankie Boyle
#60. I want to make sure I remember what real ugly is. I might want to tell my grandchildren someday. - Author: Stephen King
Dark Humor quotes by Stephen King
#61. Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. - Author: Steven Wright
Dark Humor quotes by Steven Wright
#62. My parents watch too many soap operas, that's their trouble. In fact, they were probably hoping I was pregnant. By my wicked married lover whom they could then murder and bury under the patio. - Author: Sophie Kinsella
Dark Humor quotes by Sophie Kinsella
#63. Ah, 6655321, think on the divine suffering. Meditate on that, my boy.' And all the time he had this rich manny von of Scotch on him, and then he went off to his little cantora to peet some more. So I read all about the scourging and the crowning with thorns and then the cross veshch and all that cal, and I viddied better that there was something in it. While the stereo played bits of lovely Bach I closed my glazzies and viddied myself helping in and even taking charge of the tolchocking and the nailing in, being dressed in a like toga that was the heighth of Roman fashion. So being in Staja 84F was not all that wasted, and the Governor himself was very pleased to hear that I had taken to like Religion, and that was where I had my hopes. - Author: Anthony Burgess
Dark Humor quotes by Anthony Burgess
#64. Some things just scrape my spine! - Author: Brick Marlin
Dark Humor quotes by Brick Marlin
#65. It is important to correct bad behavior one toe at a time. - Author: Gasmaskman
Dark Humor quotes by Gasmaskman
#66. Justin vomited in his mouth a little as he gazed upon a sea of black outfits and sidelocks. They looked like they were ready for a heavy metal concert, a funeral, or the hell that is a Brit Milah. Fuck, they looked ridiculous. - Author: Magnus Wilton
Dark Humor quotes by Magnus Wilton
#67. Daddy is jive talking
and showering the stripper
Mommy is sleepwalking
while changing baby's diaper - Author: Casey Renee Kiser
Dark Humor quotes by Casey Renee Kiser
#68. If you want to convince a criminal to see things your way, start by seeing things theirs. - Author: Aubrea Summer
Dark Humor quotes by Aubrea Summer
#69. Where d'you get the knife?" He wished he had one.
"He gave it to me." There was a crumpled shape in the shadows by the wall, the matting all around soaked with dark blood. "This way. - Author: Joe Abercrombie
Dark Humor quotes by Joe Abercrombie
#70. The victim lay on his face, as most people did after being stuck with ten swords. - Author: Maggie Stiefvater
Dark Humor quotes by Maggie Stiefvater
#71. I don't think it's ever easy to be funny. I find it easy to amuse myself with a certain sort of cynical dark humor that tends toward the meaner side, like my character in Happy Gilmore. Those kinds of characters come easily to me. - Author: Ben Stiller
Dark Humor quotes by Ben Stiller
#72. The right hand doesn't know what the left is doing is a phrase that refers to times when people ought to know, but don't know, about something that is happening very close to them. For instance, you ought to know about the man who watches you when you sleep. - Author: Lemony Snicket
Dark Humor quotes by Lemony Snicket
#73. Sometimes I miss the people my characters were before I ruined their lives. - Author: Victoria Schwab
Dark Humor quotes by Victoria Schwab
#74. Despite my ghoulish reputation, I really have the heart of a small boy. I keep it in a jar on my desk. - Author: Robert Bloch
Dark Humor quotes by Robert Bloch
#75. In the beginning there was Logos ... and God of course. And it was all extremely boring for Logos because he could never beat God at any game ... - Author: Yannis Karatsioris
Dark Humor quotes by Yannis Karatsioris
#76. Because it's a lit fuse, love – you light it yourself, and you stand around the powder keg afterward, grinning from ear to ear. - Author: Daniel Polansky
Dark Humor quotes by Daniel Polansky
#77. I have not looked at Carlos since the meeting ... Being around him is like walking around with the flu ... The need to lie down in a darkened room and let my hatred of him run through me is almost insurmountable. - Author: Kathleen Maher
Dark Humor quotes by Kathleen Maher
#78. Behind all the dark humor, Bill was talking about the same things I'd read in Joseph Campbell. If you look at things, really look, if you lift the veil, you start to recognize that light is love, is infinite, is unconditional. Bill was saying that once you understand the nature of nature, you can let go of difficulties and sign on for the ride - knowing that it's just a ride. And - Author: Maynard James Keenan
Dark Humor quotes by Maynard James Keenan
#79. Jaz is their drummer. He's pretty damn good too. Hell, he's pretty damn good at everything he's ever tried. Creative little shit. - Author: Lissa Matthews
Dark Humor quotes by Lissa Matthews
#80. Word from the outside, whether it arrived in a mail sack or a news report, seldom overshadowed the facts of our lives. We talked in facts -- work and weather, the logistics of this fence, that field -- but stories were how we spoke. A good story rose to the surface of a conversation like heavy cream, a thing to be savored and served artfully. Stored in dry wit, wrapped in dark humor, tied together with strings of anecdote, these stories told the chronology of a family, the history of a piece of land, the hardships of a certain year or a span of years, a series of events that led without pause to the present. If the stories were recent, they filtered through the door to my room late at night, voices hushed around the kitchen table as they sorted out this day and held it against others, their laughter sharp and sad and slow to come. Time was the key. Remember the time...and something in the air caught like a whisper. Back when. Back before a summer too fresh and real to talk about, a year's work stripped in a twenty-minute hailstorm; a man's right hand mangled in the belts of a combine, first day of harvest; an only son buried alive in a grain bin, suffocated in a red avalanche of wheat. - Author: Judy Blunt
Dark Humor quotes by Judy Blunt
#81. How can we cash out-of-town checks when don't know whether a town's still there? - Author: Pat Frank
Dark Humor quotes by Pat Frank
#82. Ariadne made an impression on you, and that's great. But life is not literature. Sooner or later, the spell wears off, the romantic feelings disappear, and you're left watching somebody's body disintegrate. You start with a love story, you end up manacled to an hourglass, watching the sands run out. - Author: Paul Murray
Dark Humor quotes by Paul Murray
#83. There was nothing worse, Veppers thought, than a loser who'd made it. It was just part of the way things worked – part of the complexity of life, he supposed – that sometimes somebody who absolutely deserved nothing more than to be one of the down-trodden, the oppressed, the dregs of society, lucked out into a position of wealth, power and admiration.
At least people who were natural winners knew how to carry themselves in their pomp, whether their ascendancy had come through the luck of being born rich and powerful or the luck of being born ambitious and capable. Losers who'd made it always let the side down. Veppers was all for arrogance – he possessed the quality in full measure himself, as he'd often been informed – but it had to be deserved, you had to have worked for it. Or at the very least, an ancestor had to have worked for it.
Arrogance without cause, arrogance without achievement – or that mistook sheer luck for true achievement – was an abomination. Losers made everybody look bad. Worse, they made the whole thing – the great game that was life – appear arbitrary, almost meaningless. Their only use, Veppers had long since decided, was as examples to be held up to those who complained about their lack of status or money or control over their lives: look, if this idiot can achieve something, so can anybody, so can you. So stop whining about being exploited and work harder.
Still, at least individual losers were quite obviously statistical freaks. Yo - Author: Iain Banks
Dark Humor quotes by Iain Banks
#84. The only thing which really seemed to pay off in life, if you went by Mary Pedersen's example, was sleeping with your superiors. - Author: Jonas Eriksson
Dark Humor quotes by Jonas Eriksson
#85. Whenever I read the term 'belief system', somewhere between my eyes and my brain, it becomes 'coping mechanism. - Author: Stewart Stafford
Dark Humor quotes by Stewart Stafford
#86. SPOILER ALERT: We all die in the end. - Author: Stewart Stafford
Dark Humor quotes by Stewart Stafford
#87. It seems amazing that the Navy SEALs managed to get inside the compound and shoot Osama so efficiently. I can only imagine they were told that the mission was to rescue a bearded British hostage and he must be brought out alive. - Author: Frankie Boyle
Dark Humor quotes by Frankie Boyle
#88. I had aimed at Mars and was about to hit Venus; unquestionably the all-time cosmic record for poor shots. - Author: Edgar Rice Burroughs
Dark Humor quotes by Edgar Rice Burroughs
#89. Well, fame is a drug and when you take it away from an addict, things can get ugly. - Author: Melissa Jo Peltier
Dark Humor quotes by Melissa Jo Peltier
#90. I could croak with no warning, and the only tragedy anyone would experience would be showing up on the last day of my estate sale simply to discover that all remaining items had copious amounts of dog hair on them. - Author: Laurie Notaro
Dark Humor quotes by Laurie Notaro
#91. He is a policeman. It is his job to bully people. - Author: M. R. C. Kasasian
Dark Humor quotes by M. R. C. Kasasian
#92. I had battled my own demons that day, facing down the thing that imprisoned me since the accident-a scar and the diffidence it created inside of me. But it was just a physical blemish, not something that made me who I am. It took a mentally disturbed murderer who gave me a sneak peak at death to show me that. - Author: Pamela Crane
Dark Humor quotes by Pamela Crane
#93. i wasted all of my
outrage on my fucking religion.
it should have been wasted on god-
cut out the middle man. - Author: J.A. Carter-Winward
Dark Humor quotes by J.A. Carter-Winward
#94. Shut up," I snapped. "This is not the time. What part of this situation seems like a joke to you?"
Lohka pulled up his knees, giving a feeble, half-manic little laugh. "Oh, maybe just the idea that some soul-devouring being of chaos could be waiting anywhere to finish destroying my life," he said. "That's kind of hilarious, you know. Have you ever had a soul-devouring being of chaos hunting you down so it could finish eating you?"
"No," I said. "I'm sorry, Lohka."
"That's nice," he muttered.
"What about the part where this soul-devouring being of chaos seems to have a taste for me at the moment?" Zhabyr asked. "Can we worry about that, now? Because I kind of already am. - Author: J. Leigh Bralick
Dark Humor quotes by J. Leigh Bralick
#95. I love dark humor that crosses the line and makes you say, 'That's so wrong!' And that's 'Family Guy' to me. - Author: Elena Satine
Dark Humor quotes by Elena Satine
#96. When you get to Hell look for me; I'll be sitting in the hot-tub waiting."
Cate Harlow
FOR I HAVE SINNED
by Kristen Houghton
A Cate Harlow Private Investigation
due out in August, 2014 - Author: Kristen Houghton
Dark Humor quotes by Kristen Houghton
#97. Nonie chewed on her bottom lip for a moment. She'd told Fezzo so much already yet there wasn't a speck of incredulity in his eyes. His expression was serious, and she had his full attention. "I'm not quite sure about what to do with Helen, the ghost that followed me home. - Author: Deborah Leblanc
Dark Humor quotes by Deborah Leblanc
#98. He comes.
And he comes
loaded
with noise pollution.
If I ever prayed for anything,
it was for a man
to shut up. - Author: Casey Renee Kiser
Dark Humor quotes by Casey Renee Kiser
#99. How do I know you'll keep your word?" asked Coraline.
"I swear it," said the other mother. "I swear it on my own mother's grave."
"Does she have a grave?" asked Coraline.
"Oh yes," said the other mother. "I put her in there myself. And when I found her trying to crawl out, I put her back. - Author: Neil Gaiman
Dark Humor quotes by Neil Gaiman
#100. But you know, mon petite, what you got is a gift. And when de good Lord gives you a gift you have to use it. Dat's why he put you here on dis earth. Sometime it's gonna be to help a soul cross over to de other side to meet him. If dat's whey you gott do, den dat's what you gotta do. You can't just keep collecting de dead. You gonna have to find a way to take what you got and work wit dat. - Author: Deborah Leblanc
Dark Humor quotes by Deborah Leblanc
#101. Oh, uh-uh," Shaundelle said. "I'm not gonna be no place where no ghost is gonna be knockin' nobody upside the head. I'm outta here. I'm not going to take any chances that some ghost is gonna mess up this pretty face. - Author: Deborah Leblanc
Dark Humor quotes by Deborah Leblanc
#102. Now, I did know a certain young lady of the 'romantic' generation of not so long ago who, after being mysteriously in love for several years with a certain gentleman whom she could have married at any time without the least difficulty, suddenly broke off their relationship, inventing for herself all manner of insurmountable obstacles, and one stormy night plunged from a high, precipitous cliff into a fairly deep and fast-flowing river, where she perished from her own caprice solely through her attempt to imitate Shakespeare's Ophelia, for, had the precipice, which she had long before singled out and been compulsively drawn to, been less picturesque, and had there been only a prosaically flat bank in its stead, perhaps there would have been no suicide at all. - Author: Fyodor Dostoyevsky
Dark Humor quotes by Fyodor Dostoyevsky
#103. Shin: a device for finding things in the dark. - Author: Madison Nevil
Dark Humor quotes by Madison Nevil
#104. It took me a moment. I blinked, and suddenly it swam into focus and I had to frown very hard to keep myself from giggling out loud like the schoolgirl Deb had accused me of being.
Because he had arranged the arms and legs in letters, and the letters spelled out a single small word: BOO.
The three torsos were carefully arranged below the BOO in a quarter-circle, making a cute little Halloween smile.
What a scamp. - Author: Jeff Lindsay
Dark Humor quotes by Jeff Lindsay
#105. I did not need an unstable relationship to teach me about the evils of broken promises. I had parents for that. - Author: Michelle Franklin
Dark Humor quotes by Michelle Franklin
#106. Let us be thankful for the fools,' Mark Twain wrote with typically dark humor in 1897. 'But for them the rest of us could not succeed.' Of all the paradoxes of failure in America, surely this is the darkest. Long ago, we saw through old fables of rags to riches; it is still fun to dream, but we know that we are partaking of a cultural myth. But if we do not quite believe in that kind of success, our faith in the myths of failure is unshaken. We are merrily cynical about whether the average tycoon really tugged on those bootstraps, but we still believe with deadly seriousness that the reasons for failure are usually individual-- "in the man." Failure is not the dark side of the American Dream; it is the foundation of it. The American Dream gives each of us the chance to be a born loser. - Author: Scott A. Sandage
Dark Humor quotes by Scott A. Sandage
#107. In happy operating procedure, the breathing is like fresh air through the body. In unkind operating procedure, the fresh air is gone sad."
Fresh air gone sad is a beautiful way to describe the death process. - Author: Eric Garcia
Dark Humor quotes by Eric Garcia
#108. Max can't hear or speak, but he communicates okay. He wasn't programmed for fear - whoever rolled the genetic dice left that out too. If Mama asked Max to deliver a package to the Devil, Max would go straight to Hell. Unlike others of my acquaintance who had made that particular trip, I had complete confidence that Max would come back. Max the Silent is one tough boy. In fact, he's so infamous that one time over in night court when he was being arraigned for attempted murder, nobody even laughed when the judge told him that he had the right to remain silent. They all knew that Max never attempted to murder anyone. - Author: Andrew Vachss
Dark Humor quotes by Andrew Vachss
#109. We're all under the streetlamps, everyone's the color of day-old piss. When I'm fifty, this is how I'll remember my friends: tired and yellow and drunk. - Author: Junot Diaz
Dark Humor quotes by Junot Diaz
#110. The Dallas Times Herald ran a cartoon mocking the [Reagan] administration's position. "We don't oppose the extension of the Voting Rights Act ... but we think the test of discrimination should be intent not effect," a fictional Smith said at a press conference. "Won't that cripple enforcement of the Act?" a reporter asked. "That is not our intent," Smith responded. - Author: Ari Berman
Dark Humor quotes by Ari Berman
#111. What do you want to do now?" he asked her.

"We should probably just kill ourselves," she imagined saying. - Author: Kristen Roupenian
Dark Humor quotes by Kristen Roupenian
#112. I'm a pretty tenacious person; I get that from my mom. So sometimes, I use dark humor. I can't take myself too seriously. - Author: Art Alexakis
Dark Humor quotes by Art Alexakis
#113. Lastly, say to me, if you can, with feelings as tender as mine for you: my dear Beelzebub, I adore you... - Author: Jacques Cazotte
Dark Humor quotes by Jacques Cazotte
#114. Would you like to stand next to me and introduce yourself to the class?' Smiled Mr Zimmerman, the English teacher.
Nope, I would rather turn into bat! Leave me the heck alone. Ughh, why is it teachers ask ' Would you like to?' No teen ever wants to stand in front of strangers and be forced to talk about them.
- Lenore Lee from Whitby After Dark - Author: Stella Coulson
Dark Humor quotes by Stella Coulson
#115. I took the Nuban's bow. I didn't trust the midget to be able to run down any thieves, and besides, I might want to shoot a circus clown or two. Just for laughs. - Author: Mark Lawrence
Dark Humor quotes by Mark Lawrence
#116. Today's generation didn't want to watch ancient actors reciting the same tired lines. They wanted to see themselves reflected onscreen –rude, raw, entitled. These kids needed to believe that they themselves were only one daring, controversial act away from being up on that screen themselves. - Author: Melissa Jo Peltier
Dark Humor quotes by Melissa Jo Peltier
#117. Boys don't like
smart girls
they like
push-around-in-a-cart
kinda girls
target-for-their-dart
kinda girls
meat-for-their-shark
kinda girls - Author: Casey Renee Kiser
Dark Humor quotes by Casey Renee Kiser
#118. Do not mock my baby." He pulls away and strokes his palm over he seat. "She was my first love."
"Well your current ... er ... girl, is getting jealous with all the attention you're paying your first love, and she has orifices you can stick things in without having your boy bits burnt off."
He pulls me into him again and his mouth goes to work on my neck. "Fuck I love it when you talk dirty. - Author: Carmen Jenner
Dark Humor quotes by Carmen Jenner
#119. Brower was as courageous a criminal as ever lived to be hanged. - Author: Ambrose Bierce
Dark Humor quotes by Ambrose Bierce
#120. Then everything is clear," Reynold said, looking around triumphantly at the crowd. "Jacques Cherbourg did not drown, he survived. He went to England, lived there a while, made a girl pregnant, and died. The girl gave birth to a boy and named him after the father. Jack here is now twenty, and looks exactly like his father did twenty-four years ago." Reynold looked at the priest. "No need for exorcism here, father. It's just a family reunion. - Author: Ken Follett
Dark Humor quotes by Ken Follett
#121. I'm afraid it's not nonsense," Genghis said, shaking his turbaned head and continuing his story. "As I was saying before the little girl interrupted me, the baby didn't dash off with the other orphans. She just sat there like a sack of flour. So I walked over to her and gave her a kick to get her moving."

"Excellent idea!" Nero said. "What a wonderful story this is! And then what happened?"

"Well, at first it seemed like I'd kicked a big hole in the baby," Genghis said, his eyes shining, "which seemed lucky, because Sunny was a terrible athlete and it would have been a blessing to put her out of her misery."

Nero clapped his hands. "I know just what you mean, Genghis," he said. "She's a terrible secretary as well."

"But she did all that stapling," Mr. Remora protested.
"Shut up and let the coach finish his story," Nero said.

"But when I looked down," Genghis continued, "I saw that I hadn't kicked a hole in a baby. I'd kicked a hole in a bag of flour! I'd been tricked!"

"That's terrible!" Nero cried. - Author: Lemony Snicket
Dark Humor quotes by Lemony Snicket
#122. I would straight up fuck a snowman right now, she says. Just to cool down. - Miriam Black - Author: Chuck Wendig
Dark Humor quotes by Chuck Wendig
#123. I am not the worst thing that can happen to you, but I will be the last. ~Caesar~ The Goodbye Man. - Author: A. Giannoccaro
Dark Humor quotes by A. Giannoccaro
#124. Lucy stood on her tiptoes and kissed John Hardin on the cheek and pulled him tightly against her. She put his forehead against hers and smiled at him until he blushed. Then, Lucy stepped back, looked at the coffin, and played to the crowd. Who gave my secret away It's just what I always wanted and I can't wait to try it on - Author: Pat Conroy
Dark Humor quotes by Pat Conroy
#125. A man's greatest treasures are his illusions - Durzo Blint - Author: Brent Weeks
Dark Humor quotes by Brent Weeks
#126. Maybe my dissertation really had been as brilliant as he claimed, the truth was I remember almost nothing about it; the intellectual leaps I made when I was young were a distant memory to me, and now I was surrounded by a kind of aura, when really my only goal in life was to do a little reading and get in bed at four in the afternoon with a carton of cigarettes and a bottle; and yet, at the same time, I had to admit, I was going to die if I kept that up – I was going to die fast, unhappy and alone. And did I really want to die fast, unhappy and alone? In the end, only kind of. - Author: Michel Houellebecq
Dark Humor quotes by Michel Houellebecq
#127. Who's the young man beside you?" Helen suddenly asked. "Oh, I see, you're one of us." She turned to Nonie. "And you did introduce us before." She tapped a finger against her right temple. "Every once in a while this old clock up here forgets to click to the next second. I apologize for that. - Author: Deborah Leblanc
Dark Humor quotes by Deborah Leblanc
#128. Ah, yes- 'God is love' and all that rot. Tell me, have you ever really stopped to think about what that means? Love is cruel. Love is vicious. Love inspires people to kill, to maim, to torture. Love ruins lives, fells cities, destroys civilizations. If you ask me, love's not all it's cracked up to be. But then, you shouldn't have to ask me - you should only have to reflect on where love has gotten you. - Lilith - Author: Chris Holm
Dark Humor quotes by Chris Holm
#129. Your Majesty," Durzo said gravely. "A man of your stature's cursing vocabulary ought to extend beyond a tedious reiteration of the excreta that fills the void between his ears." - Durzo Blint - Author: Brent Weeks
Dark Humor quotes by Brent Weeks
#130. Let's be honest, Mr. Ravenwood. You have no place in this town. You are not part of it and clearly, neither is your niece. I don't think you are in any position to make demands."
"Mrs. Lincoln, I appreciate your candor, and I will try to be as frank with you as you have been with me. It would be a grave error for you, for anyone in this town, really, to pursue this matter. You see, I have a great deal of means. I'm a bit of a spendthrift, if you will. If you try to prevent my niece from returning to Stonewall Jackson High School, I will be forced to spend some of that money. Who knows, perhaps I'll bring in a Wal-Mart."
There was another gasp from the bleachers.
"Is that a threat?"
"Not at all. - Author: Kami Garcia
Dark Humor quotes by Kami Garcia
#131. For 3 million you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand her over to Satan in person. (on Margaret Thatcher) - Author: Frankie Boyle
Dark Humor quotes by Frankie Boyle
#132. Bob Saget was known, in the comedy clubs in those days, as extremely funny but with dark humor. It was always an inside joke among comics, when he got Full House, it was, like, wow, hes playing this all-American dad kind of thing. That was not Bob Saget. His comedic style is definitely more twisted, and he has an edgier side than he showed in Full House. - Author: Bob Saget
Dark Humor quotes by Bob Saget
#133. The nails from a suicide's coffin, and the skull of the parricide, were of course no trouble; for Vesquit never traveled without these household requisites. - Author: Aleister Crowley
Dark Humor quotes by Aleister Crowley
#134. She doesn't seem deranged to me? - Author: Anais Torres
Dark Humor quotes by Anais Torres
#135. It's well established that when people are places in uncomfortably negative situations, they will frequently resort to dark humor as a coping mechanism to help relieve some of the heaviness that surrounds them. - Author: Micheal Slusher
Dark Humor quotes by Micheal Slusher
#136. The Angel of Death is always a young person, or a group of young people, you'll begin seeing them left and right soon. - Author: Benjamin R. Smith
Dark Humor quotes by Benjamin R. Smith
#137. Thomas had a depressing - and scary - thought. 'Am I ... replacing someone? Did somebody get killed?'
Minho shook his head. 'No, we're just training you - someone'll want a break. Don't worry, it's been a while since a Runner was killed.'
For some reason that last statement worried Thomas, though he hoped it didn't show on his face. - Author: James Dashner
Dark Humor quotes by James Dashner
#138. He said, "If God lived on Earth people would stalk his Facebook page and leave nasty comments on his Pinterest site." Then it sunk in- timing was everything and social media was the devil. - Author: Shannon L. Alder
Dark Humor quotes by Shannon L. Alder
#139. I'm a serious sort of fella. But don't tell me your pal up in the sky exists, and mine does not. Then, my middle finger gets offended! For, my buddy up there nowhere, Mr. NOT, too insists without proof, that he is. Same as your god. Is Mr. NOT nuts? If he is, are you not? - Author: Fakeer Ishavardas
Dark Humor quotes by Fakeer Ishavardas
#140. Life doesn't end, you just run out of road. - Author: Stewart Stafford
Dark Humor quotes by Stewart Stafford
#141. Like all these long low squat houses, it had been built not for but against. They were built against the forest, against the sea, against the elements, against the world. They had roof-beams and doors and hatred--as though in this part of the world an architect always included hatred among his tools, and said to his apprentice: 'Mind you've brought along enough hatred today. - Author: Jane Gaskell
Dark Humor quotes by Jane Gaskell
#142. Life's a grave dig it. - Author: K.R. Helms
Dark Humor quotes by K.R. Helms
#143. ( ... ) it seemed to me exceedingly peculiar that a man should love flowers as well as opium - and yet I see now that there is no contradiction in this, for are they not perhaps both a means to a kind of intoxication ? Could it not even be said that one might lead inevitably to the other ? - Author: Amitav Ghosh
Dark Humor quotes by Amitav Ghosh
#144. Smoking is extremely hazardous to you and those around you it said on the label. He glanced around. The few termites that might thrive down here could probably handle it. - Author: Jussi Adler-Olsen
Dark Humor quotes by Jussi Adler-Olsen
#145. Why the long face? Something happen?"
"Nothing except my grandmother is still dead and my aunt moved to Sacramento and my sister just got out of a mental hospital."
"Oh," Huey says.
I spread my sack out, ready to load. Huey folds his handkerchief in half then in half again. I need him to check my count before I can go.
"Which part of Sacramento," he says, and I shrug. - Author: Bob Thurber
Dark Humor quotes by Bob Thurber
#146. I've always been a monster,' Scapegrace told her, 'but now, finally, my physical for reflects my inner darkness.'
'You smell terrible.'
'That's the smell of evil.'
'It's like rancid meat and bad eggs.'
'Evil, Scapegrace insisted. - Author: Derek Landy
Dark Humor quotes by Derek Landy
#147. Police work can grind a man down, mentally, more than physically. I sensed that it is because of the hours of tedium and boredom, interrupted by moments of sheer terror. - Author: James J. Kavanaugh
Dark Humor quotes by James J. Kavanaugh
#148. Nevertheless, he had, on a certain star-lit evening, said wonderingly and quite reverently: Deh moon looks like hell, don't it? - Author: Stephen Crane
Dark Humor quotes by Stephen Crane
#149. Knowledge is a rope, and you're weaving a noose out of it. Leave some slack for the enemy. - Author: Nenia Campbell
Dark Humor quotes by Nenia Campbell
#150. I want to commit suicide but am afraid someone will think I am crazy. - Author: Carl White
Dark Humor quotes by Carl White
#151. In the moments between bullets, those in foxholes regain their vision. They get to count the dead, feel for holes. Pain creeps through a sluice of calm. - Author: Chris DiCroce
Dark Humor quotes by Chris DiCroce
#152. Low ceiling, stone walls, a dirt floor stamped with paw prints. I never go in without announcing myself. 'Hyaa!' I yell. 'Hyaa. Hyaa!' It's the sound my father makes when entering his toolshed, the cry of cowboys as they round up dogies, and it suggests a certain degree of authority. Snakes, bats, weasels
it's time to head up and move on out. - Author: David Sedaris
Dark Humor quotes by David Sedaris
#153. No, I'm not shy." I folded my arms across my shell-covered chest. The press of the hard material against my sensitive nipples caused my core to tighten. "But I usually have to buy a girl a couple of drinks in order to be treated to a show like that."
She turned to look at me, the fringe on her dress swaying with her movement. A thin eyebrow arched, her cherry lips pulled into a dazzling smile. "Well." The intensity locked in her bright eyes as her green gaze moved from my head to my toes and back again made my entire body tingle. "I guess you owe me a drink, Meghan. - Author: Elizabeth Morgan
Dark Humor quotes by Elizabeth Morgan
#154. I read a report that said 88% of adults trust their doctors - well, 100% of dead people don't! - Author: Stewart Stafford
Dark Humor quotes by Stewart Stafford
#155. But I think I want to become part of Scotland when I die. In a coffin, you just turn to dust, so I would prefer to be buried in a wicker casket, or in a sheet like the Africans do, so that I actually become part of the earth. I would like a tree to be planted on top of me.

And I told my wife Pamela a long time ago the epitaph that I want on my gravestone: Jesus Christ, is that the time already?
Failing that, I would like an epitaph in writing so tiny that visitors would have to inch right next to my gravestone to read it. It would say: You're standing on my balls. - Author: Billy Connolly
Dark Humor quotes by Billy Connolly
#156. You are so beautiful, I could eat you, he said.
And it was true. Her smile was as intoxicating as the wine.
And he could eat her. - Author: Jonas Eriksson
Dark Humor quotes by Jonas Eriksson
#157. You know, Mac,"Cadmus said still looking out the window. "We may have to work on the way we tell our story …apparently it's not amusing enough."

"I'll try to include a joke between 'he bled to death'and 'the city burned'."Machaon responded tersely. - Author: Sulari Gentill
Dark Humor quotes by Sulari Gentill
#158. It doesn't matter what other people think when you're right - John Cleaver - Author: Dan Wells
Dark Humor quotes by Dan Wells
#159. Magic. I draw with silver and it turns red. - Author: Anonymous
Dark Humor quotes by Anonymous
#160. Life is a beautiful thing. Plant it in the ground, and it blooms into opportunity, capice? - Author: Gasmaskman
Dark Humor quotes by Gasmaskman
#161. AK 47, is perfect copy, yes? Every detail. Like real thing. Yes. Kalashnikov. Your boy, he be happy for Uncle Sante, no?"
"I'm sorry, Sante. It's really nice of you, but I don't want Sofus playing with guns."
Conversation between George Hanson and Sante
In The Shadow of Sadd - Author: Steen Langstrup
Dark Humor quotes by Steen Langstrup
#162. I am not shy about admitting my modest talents. For example, I am happy to admit that I am better than average at clever remarks, and I also have a flair for getting people to like me. But to be perfectly fair to myself, I am ever-ready to confess my shortcomings, too, and a quick round of soul-searching forced me to admit that I had never been any good at all at breathing water. As I hung there from the seat belt, dazed and watching the water pour in and swirl around my head, this began to seem like a very large character flaw. - Author: Jeff Lindsay
Dark Humor quotes by Jeff Lindsay
#163. The world had been divided into two parts that sought to annihilate each other because they both desired the same thing, namely the liberation of the oppressed, the elimination of violence, and the establishment of permanent peace. - Author: Hermann Hesse
Dark Humor quotes by Hermann Hesse
#164. If you have one friend in the end, it better be yourself. - Author: Benjamin Aubrey Myers
Dark Humor quotes by Benjamin Aubrey Myers
#165. It's perfectly okay to paraphrase Nietzche: if you keep your focus, eventually your focus will keep you. Sometimes without parole. - Author: Stephen King
Dark Humor quotes by Stephen King
#166. Holly had married him: well, well. I wished I were under the wheels of the train. - Author: Truman Capote
Dark Humor quotes by Truman Capote
#167. He'd died. Plain and simple. And it pissed him off. Left him frustrated and disappointed. Where had all , the guardian angel crap they'd fed him in catechism gone to? He'd seen no angels, seraphim, archangels or pearly gates. No one to show him the ropes now that he was dead. What the hell was he supposed to do? - Author: Deborah Leblanc
Dark Humor quotes by Deborah Leblanc
#168. I ain't nobody's sidekick.
I AM Batman
And Robin,
minus the mask, plus the vagina. - Author: Casey Renee Kiser
Dark Humor quotes by Casey Renee Kiser
#169. What happens when the hitcher and the driver are equally murderous?
- Author: Steve Aylett
Dark Humor quotes by Steve Aylett
#170. Résumé
Razors pain you,
Rivers are damp,
Acids stain you,
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful,
Nooses give,
Gas smells awful.
You might as well live. - Author: Dorothy Parker
Dark Humor quotes by Dorothy Parker
#171. If people realized the great pains I go through to impose such delicious torment on him, they would be more punctilious. - Author: Andrew Cormier
Dark Humor quotes by Andrew Cormier
#172. Like a Siren, it tempts me with whispered promises of the ever-elusive Normal Life. - Author: David Arnold
Dark Humor quotes by David Arnold
#173. A man doesn't like to have his ego popped, especially when he prides himself on his sagacity, and then to be proved wrong by a man who claims he doesn't know anything. - Author: E.A. Bucchianeri
Dark Humor quotes by E.A. Bucchianeri
#174. Relationships are ropes. Love is a noose. - Durzo Blint - Author: Brent Weeks
Dark Humor quotes by Brent Weeks
#175. When it rains it pours and when it shines you get melanoma. - Author: Sol Luckman
Dark Humor quotes by Sol Luckman
#176. A good friend will help you plant your tulips. A great friend will help you plant a gun on the unarmed intruder you just shot. - Author: Brian P. Cleary
Dark Humor quotes by Brian P. Cleary
#177. There is no suggestion box in the Psych Ward. - Author: Emilie Autumn
Dark Humor quotes by Emilie Autumn
#178. Mairi stared at Parlabane with an expression he had seen too often down the years: that look of distress at having discovered precisely how deep the rabbit hole goes, and what darkness lay at its end. - Author: Christopher Brookmyre
Dark Humor quotes by Christopher Brookmyre
#179. Drive-Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought ... once you've hired the car ... - Author: Tim Key
Dark Humor quotes by Tim Key
#180. Mr. Bingley observed the desserts his poor servants had been attending to at the time of their demise - a delightful array of tarts, exotic fruits and pies, sadly soiled by blood and brains, and thus unusable. - Author: Seth Grahame-Smith
Dark Humor quotes by Seth Grahame-Smith
#181. I learned that it's okay to feel the way I do: that my life has no meaning unless I have a boyfriend. A real man is like the perfect vampire-boy and all the perfect guys in Twue Wuv. - Author: Jess C. Scott
Dark Humor quotes by Jess C. Scott
#182. Certainly no one on-site asked for my opinion, but I have always felt there should be no leftovers. It's untidy, and it shows a lack of a real workmanlike spirit. - Author: Jeff Lindsay
Dark Humor quotes by Jeff Lindsay
#183. Do I look like a shallow Summer girl to you?' She tossed her silver hair, offended. 'I'm a Winter Court royal. I kill silly Summer flowerlets with frost when I yawn. - Author: Vicki Keire
Dark Humor quotes by Vicki Keire
#184. Love is photogenic, it develops in the dark. - Author: Lorraine Gokul
Dark Humor quotes by Lorraine Gokul
#185. Do you ever think you might be a different species of human, knitted out of raw DNA in a laboratory like in The Island of Doctor Moreau, and then turned loose to see if you can pass yourself off as normal or not? - Author: David Mitchell
Dark Humor quotes by David Mitchell
#186. He sits next to me, careful to avoid my hair that's splayed out around my head like blood. A bullet to the forehead, boom, blond waves everywhere. - Author: Lauren DeStefano
Dark Humor quotes by Lauren DeStefano
#187. When your past shows up to haunt you, make sure it comes after supper so it doesn't ruin your whole day. - Author: Jay Wickre
Dark Humor quotes by Jay Wickre
#188. When you look for these support groups, they all have vague upbeat names. My Thursday evening group for blood parasites, it's called Free and Clear. - Author: Chuck Palahniuk
Dark Humor quotes by Chuck Palahniuk
#189. I am girl overboard.
But you do make drowning fun. - Author: Casey Renee Kiser
Dark Humor quotes by Casey Renee Kiser
#190. It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then it's fun and games you can't see anymore. - Author: James Hetfield
Dark Humor quotes by James Hetfield
#191. We don't want your fucking tots and pears. - Author: Magnus Wilton
Dark Humor quotes by Magnus Wilton
#192. People are sheep. TV is the shepherd. - Author: Jess C. Scott
Dark Humor quotes by Jess C. Scott
#193. Don't love the job kid. The Job is a whore, and she won't love you back. - Author: James J. Kavanaugh
Dark Humor quotes by James J. Kavanaugh
#194. I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can't even be bothered to check my OWN voicemails. - Author: Andrew Lawrence
Dark Humor quotes by Andrew Lawrence
#195. A difference in self loathing? Please. The only difference between a gun and a rope is the time it takes to tie the knot. - Author: Justine Larbalestier
Dark Humor quotes by Justine Larbalestier
#196. In the end, we all die for what we believe in... mostly because we all die. - Author: Nazareth Bergeron
Dark Humor quotes by Nazareth Bergeron
#197. Upstaged by a schizophrenic, Dallas said. The story of my life. - Author: Pat Conroy
Dark Humor quotes by Pat Conroy
#198. Dennis, please. I don't know what-"
"Shut the fuck up, and stop playing me for an idiot. And secondly, and more importantly, I've unearthed some disturbing information about you which I want to discuss in more detail before I fill you with holes. - Author: Simon Kernick
Dark Humor quotes by Simon Kernick
#199. The darkest hours bring the most light. - Author: Dominic Riccitello
Dark Humor quotes by Dominic Riccitello
#200. At eight,

Pat Sajak said to me
in a dream

"You're not a loser
but
You're not a winner."

So,
I became a poet. - Author: Casey Renee Kiser
Dark Humor quotes by Casey Renee Kiser
#201. It was a curiously happy picture: a dark-haired girl...sternly cautioning her bare-kneed younger brother not to be so loud in church, then bending down to whisper with a mischievous smile, 'If you can only sit still for five more minutes, once we are out of here I will play a great game with you. You will enjoy it.' Flash of merry dark eyes. 'There will be worms involved. - Author: Lauren Baratz-Logsted
Dark Humor quotes by Lauren Baratz-Logsted
#202. Lady Thornton," Sutherland said in an awful, silky voice that made Elizabeth shake inside, "does the word 'perjury' have any meaning to you?"
"I believe," Elizabeth said, "it means to tell a lie in a place like this."
"Do you know how the Crown punishes perjurers? They are sentenced to gaol, and they live their lives in a dark, dank cell. Would you want that to happen to you?"
"It certainly doesn't sound very agreeable," Elizabeth said. "Would I be able to take my jewels and gowns?"
Shouts of laughter shook the chandeliers that hung from the vaulted ceilings.
"No, you would not!"
"Then I'm certainly happy I haven't lied."
Sutherland was no longer certain whether he'd been duped, but he sensed that he'd lost his effort to make Elizabeth sound like a clever, scheming adulteress or a terrified, intimidated wife. The bizarre story of her flight with her brother had now taken on a certain absurd credibility, and he realized it with a sinking heart and a furious glower. "Madam, would you perjure yourself to protect that man?" His arm swung toward Ian, and Elizabeth's gaze followed helplessly. Her heart froze with terror when she saw that, if anything, Ian looked more bored, more coldly remote and unmoved than he had before.
"I asked you," Sutherland boomed, "if you would perjure yourself to save that man from going to the gallows next month."
Elizabeth would have died to save him. Tearing her gaze from Ian's terrifying face, she pinned a - Author: Judith McNaught
Dark Humor quotes by Judith McNaught
#203. We split a bottle of Norman cider. Not everybody sells Norman cider by the bottle.
"Has a European feel" Susan said.
"That sounds terrific" I said. "Can I have one?"
Susan grinned at me. "How did you ever get to be so big without growing up?" she said.
"Iron self-control" I said. - Author: Robert B. Parker
Dark Humor quotes by Robert B. Parker
#204. Last night, at a press conference, the City Council reminded everyone that the Dog Park is there for our community enjoyment and use, and so it is important that no one enter, look at, or think about the Dog Park. They are adding a new advanced camera system to keep an eye on the great black walls of the Dog Park at all times, and if anyone is caught trying to enter it, they will be forced to enter it, and will never be heard from again. If you see hooded figures in the Dog Park, no you didn't. The hooded figures are perfectly safe, and should not be approached at any costs. The City Council ended the conference by devouring a raw potato in quick, small bites of their sharp teeth and rough tongues. No follow-up questions were asked, although there were a few follow-up screams.
We have also received word via encrypted radio pulses about the opening of a new store: Lenny's Bargain House of Gardenwares and Machine Parts, which until recently was that abandoned warehouse the government was using for the highly classified and completely secret tests I was telling you about last week. Lenny's will serve as a helpful new source for all needs involving landscaping and lawn-decorating materials and also as a way for the government to unload all the machines and failed tests and dangerous substances that otherwise would be wasted on things like "safe disposal" or "burying in a concrete tomb until the sun goes out."
Get out to Lenny's for their big grand opening sale. Find eig - Author: Joseph Fink
Dark Humor quotes by Joseph Fink
#205. A ride on pride is a tide of divide. Who's proud of a proud friend? A haughty friend is a naughty person; his mental faculty is ever faulty. However, do not deride all pride; a pinch of pride is in stride with confidence. - Author: Vincent Okay Nwachukwu
Dark Humor quotes by Vincent Okay Nwachukwu
#206. Well… Five… I just wanted to say rest in peace. To me you are a dead man… I am ashamed that I am related to you. I am ashamed that we have the same bloodline, it is obvious that yours contains a defect in the structure. I'm going to endure the punishment for this gun just because I made the mistake of hanging with a lame. But I swear to God on everything I ever loved… you better change your last fucking name as soon as possible. You will never in your life again be referred to as Powers! Change that shit, or I will kill you with my bare hands the first chance I get. Disconnect yourself bitch! - Author: David Weaver
Dark Humor quotes by David Weaver
#207. I am not a lady
I live in an elevator
in a big department store America.
"Your floor, lady?"
"I don't have a floor,
I live in the elevator."
"You can't just live in an elevator."
They all say that
except for the man from Time magazine
who acted very cool.
We stop and let people into
dresses, better dresses, beauty,
and on the top floor,
home furnishings and then
the credit office, suddenly stark
and no nonsense this is it.
At each floor I look out
at the ladies quietly becoming
ladies and I say "huh"
reflectively.
My hair is long and wild
full of little twigs and cockleburrs.
I visit the floors only for water.
I make my own food
from the berries and frightened rabbits -
I pray forgive me brother as I eat -
that grow wild in the elevator.
Once every three months,
solstice and equinox,
a cop comes and clubs me a little.
The man from Time says
I articulate my generation something
wobble squeegy squiggle pop pop
Yesterday pausing at childrens
I saw another lady
take off all her clothes
and go to live in #7.
We are waiting to fill
all thirteen. - Author: Jean Tepperman
Dark Humor quotes by Jean Tepperman
#208. But that's the thing about dead people: they can't warn you to keep your nose out of things that are going to put your ass in danger. - Author: LynDee Walker
Dark Humor quotes by LynDee Walker
#209. You said the demon's signature is faint. I may be able to heal her if she's been injured."
"Not in your present state, you said."
She scowled at him. "I won't let you back into my uncle's home."
"Then I can't protect you if the Baltimore demon comes for you."
She folded her arms.
Hunter's jaw tightened. "All right. I'll call you." He snorted under his breath. "You're a Kubiteron and I'm a Matusa. That means you're to obey me."
"You mean, 'You, Matusa, me, Kubiteron?' No way, Tarzan. Go beat on your chest before some other lesser demon."
Jared quickly hid a smile.
Hunter's face turned dark. She gave him a quirky smile, then vanished. - Author: Terry Spear
Dark Humor quotes by Terry Spear
#210. You said yourself the guy looks like he pleasures himself to pictures of Rahm Emanuel. - Author: Richard Castle
Dark Humor quotes by Richard Castle
#211. Why do I hate spiders? Gods, who doesn't? What a stupid question. - Author: Steven Erikson
Dark Humor quotes by Steven Erikson
#212. What hasn't she done to me? She's the most beautiful woman I've ever met in my entire life. She has a passion about other people's happiness that is simply inspiring. She rose from her own ashes and became an even better person when most would have stayed in the dark," I tell her, looking straight into her eyes. "And when she dances, sings or plays an instrument ... she's a completely out of this world artist and I can't take my eyes ... and hands off her, - Author: Danielle-Claude Ngontang Mba
Dark Humor quotes by Danielle-Claude Ngontang Mba
#213. If you talk about someone behind their back, doesn't that mean you are in front of them? - Author: Jordan Smith
Dark Humor quotes by Jordan Smith
#214. Which was why he reflexively turned when a flash of iridescence caught his eye. His first thought was: Morpho rhetenor Helena. The extraordinary tropical butterfly with wings of shifting colors: blues, lavenders, greens.
It proved to be a woman's skirt.
The color was blue, but by the light of the legion of overhead candles, he saw purples and even greens shivering in its weave. A bracelet of pale stones winked around one wrist, a circlet banded her dark head. The chandelier struck little beams from that, too.
She's altogether too shiny for a woman, he decided, and began to turn away.
Which was when she tipped her face up into the light.
Everything stopped. The beat of his heart, the pump of his lungs, the march of time.
Seconds later, thankfully, it all resumed. Much more violently than previously.
And then absurd notions roman-candled in his mind.
His palms ached to cradle her face - it was a kitten's face, broad and fair at the brow, stubborn at the chin. She had kitten's eyes, too: large and a bit tilted and surely they weren't actually the azure of calm southern seas? Surely he, Miles Redmond, hadn't entertained such a florid thought? Her eyebrows were wicked: fine, slanted, very dark. Her hair was probably brown, but it was as though he'd never learned the word "brown."
Burnished. Silk. Copper. Azure. Delicate. Angel. Hallelujah. Suddenly these were the only words he knew. - Author: Julie Anne Long
Dark Humor quotes by Julie Anne Long
#215. I sat still as stone with my fingers aching. I wanted to play, not listen. Want isn't strong enough a word. I was hungry for it, starved. I'm not proud of the fact that I thought about stealing his lute and leaving in the dark of the night. - Author: Patrick Rothfuss
Dark Humor quotes by Patrick Rothfuss
#216. She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up. - Author: Rodney Dangerfield
Dark Humor quotes by Rodney Dangerfield
#217. For those I come from, there is nothing more devouring than the feeling of want for home, the feeling of need for home. We are all waiting for a form of transport, a ship, a saucer to carry us out of the too-dark night. - Author: Hannah Lillith Assadi
Dark Humor quotes by Hannah Lillith Assadi
#218. Ridiculous!" Chrysaor's voice turned shrill. He didn't seem sure where to level his sword-at Percy or his own crew.
"Save yourselves!" Percy warned. "It is too late for us!"
Then he gasped and pointed to the spot where Frank was hiding. "Oh, no! Frank is turning into a crazy dolphin!"
Nothing happened.
"I said," Percy repeated, "Frank is turning into a crazy dolphin!"
Frank stumbled out of nowhere, making a big show of grabbing his throat. "Oh, no," he said, like he was reading from a teleprompter. "I am turning into a crazy dolphin."
He began to change, his nose elongating into a snout, his skin becoming sleek and gray. He fell to the deck as a dolphin, his tail thumping against the boards.
The pirate crew disbanded in terror, chattering and clicking as they dropped their weapons, forgot the captives, ignored Chrysaor's orders, and jumped overboard. - Author: Rick Riordan
Dark Humor quotes by Rick Riordan
#219. This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me." - Author: Tim Vine
Dark Humor quotes by Tim Vine
#220. Then the man smiled, and his smile was a shock, for it was all on one side, going up in the right cheek and down in the left.
There was nothing, rationally speaking, to scare anyone about this. Many people have this nervous trick of a crooked smile, and in many it is even attractive. But in all Syme's circumstances, with the dark dawn and the deadly errand and the loneliness on the great dripping stones, there was something unnerving in it. There was the silent river and the silent man, a man of even classic face. And there was the last nightmare touch that his smile suddenly went wrong. - Author: G.K. Chesterton
Dark Humor quotes by G.K. Chesterton
#221. He looked like a sexy ninja. Or a tiger ready to pounce on his prey. She just looked like she was sitting sideways on an invisible toilet. Curse the male species for making danger look so good! - Author: Leia Shaw
Dark Humor quotes by Leia Shaw
#222. In The Blank Slate I argued that the modern denial of the dark side of human nature - the doctrine of the Noble Savage - was a reaction against the romantic militarism, hydraulic theories of aggression, and glorification of struggle and strife that had been popular in the late 19th and early 20th centuries. - Author: Steven Pinker
Dark Humor quotes by Steven Pinker
#223. Events are the ephemera of history; they pass across its stage like fireflies, hardly glimpsed before they settle back into darkness and as often as not into oblivion. Every event, however brief, has to be sure a contribution to make, lights up some dark corner or even some wide vista of history. Nor is it only political history which benefits most, for every historical landscape - political, economic, social, even geographical - is illumined by the intermittent flare of the event. - Author: Fernand Braudel
Dark Humor quotes by Fernand Braudel
#224. Pretty soon I heard a twig snap down in the dark amongst the trees - something was a stirring. I set still and listened. Directly I could just barely hear a "me-yow! me-yow!" down there. That was good! Says I, "me-yow! me-yow!" as soft as I could, and then I put out the light and scrambled out of the window on to the shed. Then I slipped down to the ground and crawled in among the trees, and, sure enough, there was Tom Sawyer waiting for me. - Author: Mark Twain
Dark Humor quotes by Mark Twain
#225. When you graduate from college, they tell you to follow your dreams. Does anyone say you have to wake up first? - Author: Bill Cosby
Dark Humor quotes by Bill Cosby
#226. Gay angels are all the rage in heaven. - Author: Eric Arvin
Dark Humor quotes by Eric Arvin
#227. The man was enormously fat. When he sat down, the metal chair disappeared beneath the spread of his buttocks and Alex was surprised it could even take his weight. - Author: A. Horowitz
Dark Humor quotes by A. Horowitz
#228. Weather forecast for tonight: dark. - Author: George Carlin
Dark Humor quotes by George Carlin
#229. Well, he's scraping up what there is. Reckon we'll need every ready hand when it comes to a battle. Yours too, maybe.'
'Oh, you'll have to hold me back!' Calder slapped the hilt of his sword. 'Can't wait to get started!'
'You ever even drawn the fucking thing?' sneered Tenways, stretching his neck out to spit again.
'Just the once. I had to trim your daughter's hairy cunt before I could get at it. - Author: Joe Abercrombie
Dark Humor quotes by Joe Abercrombie
#230. A girl offered me E at the club. 'Have you ever done E?' 'I watch E.' - Author: Mike Birbiglia
Dark Humor quotes by Mike Birbiglia
#231. Life is brighter on the lighter side. - Author: L.M. Fields
Dark Humor quotes by L.M. Fields
#232. That reminds me. Make sure you drink a lot of water while you're there, or you'll dehydrate fast. And if you find yourself not peeing, or your urine is dark in color, you're not drinking enough.
The last thing in the world she'd ever wanted to discuss with Zane Alexander was the color of her pee. - Author: Cat Johnson
Dark Humor quotes by Cat Johnson
#233. Cops were distrustful; they always wanted to know why you decided to dig a hole in the middle of nowhere. - Author: Lou Harper
Dark Humor quotes by Lou Harper
#234. I would love a sandwich,' said Tybalt, with enough gravity to make it sound like a formal proclamation. Resolved: that we will have ham and cheese sandwiches. - Author: Seanan McGuire
Dark Humor quotes by Seanan McGuire
#235. What is real to me is the power of our awareness when we are focused on something beyond ourselves. It is a shaft of light shining in a dark corner. Our ability to shift our perceptions and seek creative alternatives to the conondrums of modernity is in direct proportion to our empathy. Can we imagine, witness, and ultimately feel the suffering of another? - Author: Terry Tempest Williams
Dark Humor quotes by Terry Tempest Williams
#236. Yes we are devilish; that is true we cackle. Yes we are dark like the soil and wild like the animals. And we turn to each other and stare into this darkness. We find it beautiful. We find this darkness irresistible. We cease all hiding. - Author: Susan Griffin
Dark Humor quotes by Susan Griffin
#237. I liked the humor of it, I've always enjoyed a sense of humor in God and in religion and in spirituality. - Author: Amber Tamblyn
Dark Humor quotes by Amber Tamblyn
#238. Above my pay grade! - Author: Dennis E. Taylor
Dark Humor quotes by Dennis E. Taylor
#239. Corpus Bones! I utterly loathe my life. - Author: Karen Cushman
Dark Humor quotes by Karen Cushman
#240. You would do the same for me. He smiled a big toothy smile before he hopped off my car and walked away, leaving me wondering what was up with the guy in the girl jeans and why I couldn't get him off of my mind. - Author: Magan Vernon
Dark Humor quotes by Magan Vernon
#241. Writing is like making love, editing is like giving your great grandfather a sponge bath. - Author: Midnight Taylor
Dark Humor quotes by Midnight Taylor
#242. When he opened his mouth to curse them all, black water filled his lungs, and the dark closed in around him. - Author: George R R Martin
Dark Humor quotes by George R R Martin
#243. His feeling for the South was not so much historic as it was
of the core and desire of dark romanticism--that unlimited and
inexplicable drunkenness, the magnetism of some men's blood that
takes them into the heart of the heat, and beyond that, into the
polar and emerald cold of the South as swiftly as it took the heart
of that incomparable romanticist who wrote The Rime of the Ancient
Mariner, beyond which there is nothing. And this desire of his was
unquestionably enhanced by all he had read and visioned, by the
romantic halo that his school history cast over the section, by the
whole fantastic distortion of that period where people were said to
live in "mansions," and slavery was a benevolent institution,
conducted to a constant banjo-strumming, the strewn largesses of
the colonel and the shuffle-dance of his happy dependents, where
all women were pure, gentle, and beautiful, all men chivalrous and
brave, and the Rebel horde a company of swagger, death-mocking
cavaliers. Years later, when he could no longer think of the
barren spiritual wilderness, the hostile and murderous intrenchment
against all new life--when their cheap mythology, their legend of
the charm of their manner, the aristocratic culture of their lives,
the quaint sweetness of their drawl, made him writhe--when he could
think of no return to their life and its swarming superstition
without weariness and h - Author: Thomas Wolfe
Dark Humor quotes by Thomas Wolfe
#244. I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability. - Author: Oscar Wilde
Dark Humor quotes by Oscar Wilde
#245. What place is this," Drizzt asked the cat quietly, "that I call home? These are my people, by skin and by heritage, but I am no kin to them. They are lost and ever will be. "How many others are like me, I wonder?" Drizzt whispered, taking one final look. "Doomed souls, as was Zaknafein, poor Zak. I do this for him, Guenhwyvar; I leave as he could not, His life has been my lesion, a dark scroll etched by the heavy price exacted by Matron Malice's evil promises. "Goodbye, Zack!" he cried, his voice rising in final defiance. "My father. Take heart, as do I, that when we meet again, in a life after this, it will surely not be in the hellfire our kin are doomed to endure. - Author: R.A. Salvatore
Dark Humor quotes by R.A. Salvatore
#246. I know how it works, I just need to figure out how to make it work. - Author: Dilip Jain
Dark Humor quotes by Dilip Jain

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