Ray Romano Quotes

I love hitting into the rough because it gets me close to the people.

I'm a little different from the average dude because I'm on high-def TV now.

My wife said to me 'I hope you win ... but if you do and you go up and say you love me, don't think it makes up for never saying it when we're alone.

Nothing like a little chest pain to restore your faith.

You don't want to shock them and do something totally opposite, but you also want to play a different character.

I would get my student loans, get money, register and never really go. It was a system I thought would somehow pan out.

Without identical twins, you'll never get to experience entering a hotel room with one of them and watching him run into the full-length mirror because he though he saw his brother.

I don't think men talk as much as women, but when we have something on our minds we'll get it out.

It seems to be a common denominator with a lot of comics, this low self-esteem thing.

I still feel like an immature idiot inside, but I look in the mirror and - as a friend of mine once said- this old guy keeps getting in the way.

Mike Royce and I have always had success writing what we know. What we know now is that we're middle-aged, neurotic and fat.

I still do standup.

I don't want to say work is who I am, but some people feel more centered and more whole when they're producing and creating.

I do know its important to keep the romantic spark alive in your marriage. But with four kids, sometimes it's enough just to keep yourself alive.

As an actor, that's nerve-wracking enough [drunk and doing coke] because you have to do it at the right level.

My theory has always been that everyone in show business is there because they were deprived of some attention as a child.

I do still get intimidated by certain things.

I have the show because I'm insecure. It's my insecurity that makes me want to be a comic, that makes me need the audience.

Right after 'Raymond' I had a world-is-my-oyster attitude, but I found out I don't like oysters. I had this existential emptiness. 'What is my purpose? Who am I?' I had a big identity crisis.

If I have sex, I know my quarterly estimated taxes must be due. And if it's oral sex, I know it's time to renew my driver's license.

I had a very Italian house - the "plastic furniture you couldn't sit on" house. Did anybody have the museum house? For a kid it's traumatic. Towels you can never touch. China no one's ever gonna use. Everything is for a special occasion that never happens. My mother was waiting for the Pope to show up for dinner. Or Sinatra. Or Chachi.

I'm aging, and the world is seeing it.

I lived at home till I was 29.

Well, I'm a 14 handicap. Anyone who golfs knows what that means.

Whenever I walk off the golf course, I thank God that I'm able to tell a joke. I thank God I'm good at something.

People think living in your parents' basement until you're twenty-nine is lame. But what they don't realize is that while you're there, you save money on rent, food, and dates.

I live in L.A. Now.

I'm always giving myself the Alzheimer's test. My shrink told me to do this. It takes one minute. You name every word that comes to mind that begins with the letter F.

You know, before I would think, my cab driver hates me. Now I think my limo driver hates me.

I was wracked with insecurity.

I'm now unemployed. It's a weird feeling with no work, but at least there's still golf. Standup comedy is like my core, it's what I do. But I want to be a pro golfer. It's a love/hate relationship with golf. I can come away feeling so serene, and yet, it's the thing that I can let get to me to throw a club and say curses that don't even exist. I'm obsessed with something that won't let me master it. I don't know. I need therapy.

I want to do well and I want to fit in.

I have this mistress: show business.

Identical twins. I'm glad they're identical 'cause you save money on photographs. That's what I like. Yeah. Here's my little boy. I got another one just like it.

The best comedy, I feel, comes in a drama because it balances each other out.

Why can't I love him (a 2 yr old nephew) from afar? That's how I want to love him - through pictures and folklore.

My wife gets so jealous. She came home from work and was mad at me because there was a pretty girl on the bus she thought I would have liked.

After 'Raymond,' there was this big feeling of, 'What do I do next?'

People are going to see both of us and think it's an Abbott and Costello kind of thing. It's not an easy switch. It's not an easy transition from TV to film.

My kids are growing up and it's hard to accept they are their own person and they're independent.

Every parent knows that for a kid, the car is chloroform..

If my father had hugged me even once, I'd be an accountant right now.

Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.

If I'm really considering doing film from now on then that is the smart thing to do, or you can go either way. You can just do the same character over and over again and make a different comedy like over and over again.

I came from an Italian house. The refrigerator was always full. I never knew you had to buy food. I thought there were food fairies that came at night.

The successful golfers - they're like astronauts or pilots. They have that demeanor that they can focus and stay within that one moment and nothing distracts them. That's not me.

I was at home waiting for projects. I was on Parenthood and there was one season left, and I was thinking, "What's next?" I'm at this age where I'm trying to write my own script, and they sent this over and I decided to put myself on tape.

I am like Hugh Hefner minus anything good about his life.

Flappers sounds like where waitresses go after they're too old to work at Hooters.

I don't want to be a spokesman for family values, but that's the way my standup is perceived.

I did 15 shows a week when I lived in New York. I did five shows on a Friday and seven shows on a Saturday. It was everything I did and it was my sole source of income.

I'd rather be in Las Vegas 104 degrees than New York 90 degrees, you know why? Legalized prostitution. In any weather that takes the edge off.

For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to stay married, get two.

The fact that they let me in a movie with Gene Hackman has left me with no faith in show buisness.

I don't get sick.

I feel like this is a dream - and I apologize for how I dressed some of you.

In a way, comedy is like sex. The more noise you hear, the better you think you're doing.

The comics that are just conversing with you up there and drawing on their own life, yeah, I guess so. I guess some do political humor, some do topical humor, but the ones that I like, the ones that are appealing to me, were guys who were just talking to you about their life.

The more I go through parenting, the more I say I owe my mother an apology.

The first time I played golf was in Flushing Meadows, Queens, when I was about 16 or 17. They had an 18-hole pitch-and-putt. My buddies and I would hop the fence and sneak on and play.

I just don't want to play the same guy again over and over.

Each day it's like: 'How many more days am I going to feel young and vibrant? I feel young and vibrant now, but I also feel the aches and pains a little bit.

You have to remember: the wife been home all day cleaning asses and feeding faces. Sometimes the opposite.

I like doing film, you know, single-camera.

My career has been my craziest adventure.

The only thing I miss from the sitcom format is that immediate gratification of when you're, if we're talking about comedy, of the live audience.

If a guy's ever telling you a four-hour sex story with a straight face, just feel sorry for him. Not for lying to you, but for lying to himself. As a matter of fact, stop him right in the middle of the story and just hug him. Nine times out of ten he'll just break down and cry. He knows you know.

My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning.

It was very nerve-wracking for me. I had to be drunk and have a threesome. I'm not that guy. Bobby Cannavale is that guy. But it was Vegas and things got crazy, and it happened. We go to Vegas to try to sign Elvis Presley and things get crazy. My character [in Vinyl] is stoned.

You might think that's an exaggeration but believe me, if you leave twin two-year-olds alone in your living room, at some point a cow will be airborne.

Mick Jagger also a music connoisseur and knows everything about that era. So, you knew the music side was going to be top-notch. It's HBO. On Men of Certain Age, if we wanted a song, it would break the bank. But, Vinyl can go all-out.