Johnny Carson Quotes

There really is no Johnny Carson anymore. There is no one place a comedian can appear and explode. ~ Tom Leykis

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam. ~ Johnny Carson

I'm an entertainer, not a commentator. If you're a comedian your job is to make people laugh. ~ Johnny Carson

Never ask your wife if she still hears from her old pimp. ~ Johnny Carson

I signed contracts when I didn't know what that meant. I thought I'd get residuals off of the shows I've been on: History Channel, Discovery, Dateline, Johnny Carson, etc. It's the only regret I have in life. If I got residuals, I wouldn't be shucking oysters now, though I do love my job. ~ Steve Trotter

I'm often asked, 'What is your favorite moment during the 30 years you hosted The Tonight Show?' I really don't have just one. The times I enjoyed the most were the spontaneous, unplanned segments that just happened, like Ed Ames' infamous 'Tomahawk Toss' that produced one of the longest laughs in television history. When these lucky moments happen, you just go with them and enjoy the experience and high of the moment. ~ Johnny Carson

An oxymoron? What's that? A moron who studies at Oxford? ~ Johnny Carson

I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me. ~ Steven Wright

I'm an entertainer; I try to give the public what it wants while I'm on the screen, and I'm completely sincere about it. If I don't happen to be a laughing boy off the screen, that doesn't make me a hypocrite or a phony. ~ Johnny Carson

NBC. How could I not? I grew up watching Seinfeld, Johnny Carson, Late Night with David Letterman, and reruns of The Mothers-in-Law. ~ Tina Fey

Happiness is a tiger in your tank and a pussycat in your back seat. ~ Johnny Carson

I've worked ever since I was a kid with a two-bit kit of magic tricks trying to improve my skills at entertaining whatever public I had - and to make myself ready, whenever the breaks came, to entertain a wider and more demanding public. ~ Johnny Carson

The difference between divorce and legal separation is that legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money. ~ Johnny Carson

He's so fat, he can be his own running mate. ~ Johnny Carson

Find me any performer anywhere who isn't egocentric. You'd better believe you're good, or you've got no business being out there. ~ Johnny Carson

If God didn't want man to hunt, He wouldn't have given us plaid shirts. ~ Johnny Carson

I was a big fan of how Johnny Carson hosted awards shows. Dick Cavett, as well, I think did a really great job of providing a nice blend of comedy, wit and class. ~ Neil Patrick Harris

Jack Paar took a vacation at the end of May 1958 and Johnny Carson filled in, hosting The Tonight Show for the very first time. It was a historical moment that at the time was dismissed. 'With Carson navigating, it was wholesome, intelligent and mostly dull,' wrote Variety. 'The experience of his helmship will never go down as memorable either for a Carson appearance or for an edition of the show. ~ Kliph Nesteroff

Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: 'Are your ready?' ~ Johnny Carson

Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president. ~ Johnny Carson

I get sick of that old rationalization, "We're staying together because of the children." Kids couldn't be more miserable living with parents who can't stand each other. They're far better off if there's an honest, clean divorce. ~ Johnny Carson

The only issue cash presents you is the independence of not stressing about funds. ~ Johnny Carson

When turkeys mate they think of swans. ~ Johnny Carson

Having money gives me the freedom to worry about the things that really matter. ~ Johnny Carson

I see a lot of new faces. Especially on the old faces. ~ Johnny Carson

I remember meeting the likes of Johnny Carson and Jimmy Stewart for the first time and being completely starstruck. ~ Kevin Spacey

How much of the national news that you report to the public each night consists of information you've actually gone out and dug up on your own? ~ Johnny Carson

I work because I enjoy what I'm doing, and the fact that I make money at it - big money - is a fine-and-dandy side fact. ~ Johnny Carson

I would like to say, for the record, that I am in favor of using more American Indians and other minorities in motion pictures, I am against polluting the oceans of the world, I am for every nationality having its own homeland, I am against whacking baby seals on the head, and I am for saving the whales. ~ Johnny Carson

In 1980, when I graduated from high school, my goal was to be on 'The Tonight Show' with Johnny Carson at least once before our ten-year class reunion. Our class reunion was in June of 1990, and I was on 'The Tonight Show' in April 1990, so I made it by a few months. ~ Jeff Dunham

I have this coat that I got in a nefarious deal years ago. It's a Johnny Carson coat, and I've had it remade three times. It's mine all the time. Carson was a real man, and I thought, 'Coats for real men by real men? I'm in.' ~ Josh Homme

Asked how he became a star, Mr. Carson once replied, I started in a gaseous state and then I cooled. ~ Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson was a big influence on me - all of those shows I did with him over the years, like, 100 of them, they made a bit of a name for me at the time, so that part of my life was very good. ~ Don Rickles

Out all of these zillions of letters, one of the first ones that came was, as it turned out from Johnny Carson within the last five or six weeks of his life. I had worked with him. He lost a son who had worked for me. ~ Dick Ebersol

Try, if you will, to imagine Dwight Eisenhower or JFK or Lyndon Johnson or, for that matter, Ronald Reagan chin-wagging with Jack Paar or Johnny Carson. Richard Nixon did, famously, go on 'Laugh In' in 1968, but as a candidate; and to his credit, he rued the day and hated every second of it. ~ Christopher Buckley

The price of Christmas toys is outrageous - a hundred dollars, two hundred dollars for video games for the youngsters. I remember a Christmas years ago when my son was a kid. I bought him a tank. It was about a hundred dollars, a lot of money in those days. It was the kind of tank you could actually get inside and ride in. He played in the box it came in. It taught me a very valuable lesson. Next year he got a box. And I got a hundred dollars' worth of scotch. ~ Johnny Carson

Thought Experiment: Imagine that you are Johnny Carson and find yourself caught in an intolerable one-on-one conversation at a cocktail party from which there is no escape. Which of the two following events would you prefer to take place: (1) That the other person become more and more witty and charming, the music more beautiful, the scene transformed to a villa at Capri on the loveliest night of the year, while you find yourself more and more at a loss; or (2) that you are still in Beverly Hills and the chandeliers begin to rattle, a 7.5 Richter earthquake takes place, and presently you find yourself and the other person alive and well, and talking under a mound of rubble.
If your choice is (2), explain why it is possible for a true conversation to take place under the conditions of (2) but not (1). ~ Walker Percy

I don't run with anybody's herd. I don't like crowds. I don't like going to fancy places. I don't like the whole nightclub scene. Cocktail parties drive me mad. So I do my job and I stay away from the rest of it. ~ Johnny Carson

NBC's a little jealous of CNN correspondent Wolf Blitzer. They want to get a reporter with a macho-sounding name too, so they're changing Irving R. Levine's name to Scud Shrapnel. ~ Johnny Carson

Pie throwing is kind of a lost art, and although it may be a rather rudimentary, burlesque humor, there's something inherently funny about taking a pie in the face, under the right conditions. ~ Johnny Carson

We resort, frankly, to pies, which is a comedy staple that's gone back, I guess, to since the first pie was ever baked. ~ Johnny Carson

Everybody I meet in public seems to want to audition for me. If I ask a guy what time it is, he'll sing it to me. ~ Johnny Carson

We have two kinds of air: regular and chunky style. ~ Johnny Carson

Talking about sexual morality, I wouldn't agree that it's declining, but it's certainly changing. Young and old, we are very much in the process of taking a fresh look at the whole issue of morality. The only decline that's taking place - and it's about time - is in the old puritanical concept that sex is equated with sin. ~ Johnny Carson

Your chances of getting hit by lighting go up if you stand under a tree, shake your fist at the sky, and say Storms suck!! ~ Johnny Carson

From the time I was a little kid, I was always shy. Performing was when I was outgoing. So I guess I am a loner. I get claustrophobia if a lot of people are around. ~ Johnny Carson

May you have the income of a Republican and the sex life of a Democrat! ~ Johnny Carson

I am taking the applause sign home, putting it in the bedroom. ~ Johnny Carson

George Burns has been on my show twenty or thirty times, or maybe more. How can you turn down a guy that age? ~ Johnny Carson

Happiness is being served with a paternity suit on your 75th birthday. ~ Johnny Carson

The vast majority of us don't want to face the fact that we're in the middle of a sweeping social revolution. In sex. In spiritual values. In opposition to wars no one wants. In opposition to government big-brotherhood. In civil rights. In basic human goals. They're all facets of a general upheaval. ~ Johnny Carson

The best way to thaw a frozen turkey? Blow in it's ear. ~ Johnny Carson

I couldn't care less what anybody says about me. I live my life, especially my personal life, strictly for myself ... Whatever you do, you're going to be criticized. I feel the one sensible thing you can do is try to live in a way that pleases you. ~ Johnny Carson

The Tonight Show didn't seem like an actual job that you could have. All you remember is you watched Johnny Carson, and you never thought he would retire. ~ Jimmy Fallon

They say atomic rad-i-ation can hurt your reproductive organs. My answer is, so can a hockey stick. But we don't stop building them. ~ Johnny Carson

Dylan's friend Linus Millberg appears out of the crowd with a cup of beer and shouts, 'Dorothy is John Lennon, the Scarecrow is Paul McCartney, the Tin Woodman is George Harrison, the Lion's Ringo.'
'Star Trek,' commands Dylan over the lousy twangy country CB's is playing between sets.
'Easy,' Linus shouts back. "Kirk's John, Spock's Paul, Bones is George, Scotty is Ringo. Or Chekov, after the first season. Doesn't matter, it's like a Scotty-Chekov-combination Ringo. Spare parts are always surplus Georges or Ringos.'
'But isn't Spock-lacks-a-heart and McCoy-lacks-a-brain like Woodman and Scarecrow? So Dorothy's Kirk?'
'You don't get it. That's just a superficial coincidence. The Beatle thing is an archetype, it's like the basic human formation. Everything naturally forms into a Beatles, people can't help it.'
'Say the types again.'
'Responsible-parent genius-parent genius-child clown-child.'
'Okay, do Star Wars.'
'Luke Paul, Han Solo John, Chewbacca George, the robots Ringo.'
'Tonight Show.'
'Uh, Johnny Carson Paul, the guest John, Ed McMahon Ringo, whatisname George.'
'Doc Severinson.'
'Yeah, right. See, everything revolves around John, even Paul. That's why John's the guest.'
'And Severinson's quiet but talented, like a Wookie.'
'You begin to understand. ~ Jonathan Lethem

I hear that whenever someone in the White House tells a lie, Nixon gets a royalty. ~ Johnny Carson

If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace. ~ Johnny Carson

Conan O'Brien has talked about how comedians try to emulate their heroes, fall short, and end up doing their own thing. Johnny Carson tried to be Jack Benny but ended up Johnny Carson. David Letterman tried to copy Johnny Carson but ended up David Letterman. And Conan O'Brien tried to be David Letterman but ended up Conan O'Brien. In O'Brien's words, "It is our failure to become our perceived ideal that ultimately defines us and makes us unique." Thank goodness. ~ Austin Kleon

It's the lack of this kind of open and honest education about sex that causes so many kids to grow up with sexual hang-ups. ~ Johnny Carson

I don't think it's you that changes with success - it's the people around you who change. Because of your new status, they change in relation to you. ~ Johnny Carson

Like their parents, kids flock to see James Bond and Derek Flint movies - outrageously antiheroic heroes who break all the taboos, making attractive the very things the kids are told they shouldn't do themselves. ~ Johnny Carson

Adults ask questions as a child does. When you stop wondering, you might as well put your rocker on the front porch and call it a day. ~ Johnny Carson

In Los Angeles, I had the good fortune of anchoring the news right before Johnny Carson came on, so to see him, the Hollywood stars watched me first. ~ Tom Brokaw

People are hypocrites. If you ask them what they want to see on TV, they'll tell you they want better quality programming. And then what do they watch? 'Gilligan's Island.' ~ Johnny Carson

When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist. ~ Johnny Carson

The closest thing to Roseanne Barr's singing the national anthem was my cat being neutered. ~ Johnny Carson

Happiness is sitting down to watch some slides of your neighbor's vacation and finding out that he spent two weeks in a nudist colony. ~ Johnny Carson

Just be yourself -- it's the only way it can work. ~ Johnny Carson

Americans, too many of them, take themselves too seriously. You're going to get rapped - by the viewers, by the sponsors and by the network brass - if you joke about doctors, lawyers, dentists, scientists, bus drivers, I don't care who. You can't make a joke about Catholics, Negroes, Jews, Italians, politicians, dogs or cats. In fact, politicians, dogs and cats are the most sacred institutions in America. ~ Johnny Carson

I think students ought to have the right to protest, but not to the point of anarchy. ~ Johnny Carson

Maybe we should hold the next [Olympic] games in Afghanistan and hope the Soviets pull out of that one too. ~ Johnny Carson

The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other. ~ Johnny Carson

Who cares what entertainers on the air think about international affairs? Who would want to hear me about Vietnam? They can hear all they want from people with reason to be respected as knowledgeable. ~ Johnny Carson

Happiness is discovering the prune juice your doctor ordered you to drink has fermented. ~ Johnny Carson

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas. ~ Johnny Carson

The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money. ~ Johnny Carson

In Hollywood if you don't have a shrink, people think you're crazy. ~ Johnny Carson

Democracy is the eagle on the back of a dollar bill, with 13 arrows in one claw, 13 leaves on a branch, 13 tail feathers, and 13 stars over its head - this signifies that when the white man came to this country, it was bad luck for the Indians, bad luck for the trees, bad luck for the wildlife, and lights out for the American eagle. ~ Johnny Carson

Johnny Carson was a mean-spirited human being. And there are people that he has hurt that people will never know about. And for some reason, at some point, he decided to turn that kind of negative attention toward me. And I refused to have it. ~ Wayne Newton

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die. ~ Johnny Carson

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead. ~ Johnny Carson

I know you've been married to the same woman for 69 years. That is marvelous. It must be very inexpensive. ~ Johnny Carson

The man I adored, and miss him terribly, was Johnny Carson. ~ Don Rickles

Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves. ~ Johnny Carson

I got my style from a lot of different people, even my style of reading, even Johnny Carson inspired me. ~ Patti Smith

As long as I don't commit any crimes, you have no right to judge me except by my performance as a professional. On that level, you're welcome to think whatever you want about me. ~ Johnny Carson

According to statistics, it's a lot easier to get hit by lightning than to win a Lotto jackpot. The good side: you don't hear from your relatives. ~ Johnny Carson

People are brought up to think, "It's nice to be modest. It's nice to hide your light under a bushel." Well, bullshit! I've never bought that. In my business, the only thing you've really got is your talent; it's the only thing you have to sell. ~ Johnny Carson

Democracy means free television, not good television, but free. ~ Johnny Carson

There's a lot of hypocrisy in audiences. I'd never dream of telling even on a nightclub stage, let alone my show, some of the jokes that are told in a lot of the living rooms from which we get those letters! ~ Johnny Carson

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing. ~ Johnny Carson

Privately I think that I'm not really somebody who has a network television show. Celebrities are other people - Johnny Carson and Sylvester Stallone. I'm just a kid trying to make a living is the way I feel. ~ David Letterman

I have no use for eight houses, 88 cars and 500 suits. I can't eat but one steak at a time. I don't want but one woman. It's silly to have as one's sole object in life just making money, accumulating wealth. ~ Johnny Carson

As for being sociable, I hate the phoniness in the showbiz world. I know this will be taken wrong, but I don't like clubs and organizations. I was never a joiner. ~ Johnny Carson

I know a guy who gave up smoking cigarettes, consuming, sex, and wealthy meals. ~ Johnny Carson

I cried when I heard Johnny Carson died. ~ Victoria Jackson

I have an ego like anybody else, but I don't need to be stoked by going before the public all the time. ~ Johnny Carson

I was on the Johnny Carson show, I believe 114 or 104 times. And aside from those times on the air, I never spoke to him. I never met him. ~ Tony Randall

Desire! That's the one secret of every man's career. Not education. Not being born with hidden talents. Desire. ~ Johnny Carson