Tonight Show Quotes

I haven't heard anything new that I've liked on the show. A lot of the bands we play with are just bad, especially those alternative rock bands. They can do it in the studio but they can't play live... I see the audience applauding while they're playing, and I wonder if it's just because they're fans of the band and don't care, or out of spite. Because it certainly isn't because they sound good.

Branford Marsalis on the musical acts booked on The Tonight Show. ~ Branford Marsalis

When I started out, some women comics were jealous of other women comics, thinking, "If she gets "The Tonight Show," I can't." My philosophy always was, "If she did, I can too." ~ Rosie O'Donnell

I'm often asked, 'What is your favorite moment during the 30 years you hosted The Tonight Show?' I really don't have just one. The times I enjoyed the most were the spontaneous, unplanned segments that just happened, like Ed Ames' infamous 'Tomahawk Toss' that produced one of the longest laughs in television history. When these lucky moments happen, you just go with them and enjoy the experience and high of the moment. ~ Johnny Carson

I want to get back and figure out how we're going to make 'The Tonight Show' funny and good. ~ Andy Richter

That's a big responsibility, and the details obsess me. And, also, I no longer feel I have to do the Tonight Show every time I open my mouth. Twenty years ago, I told myself I'd rather direct than act, and it's taken me this long. You lose your passion in acting. You make too many mistakes. Maybe that's why I make so many movies; if you don't like this one, another one's opening on Tuesday. But then I spent six months of my life on 'At Long Last Love,' a picture nobody saw. I enjoyed making it, I learned from it, I grew, but that's too much time out of my life. ~ Burt Reynolds

Jack Paar took a vacation at the end of May 1958 and Johnny Carson filled in, hosting The Tonight Show for the very first time. It was a historical moment that at the time was dismissed. 'With Carson navigating, it was wholesome, intelligent and mostly dull,' wrote Variety. 'The experience of his helmship will never go down as memorable either for a Carson appearance or for an edition of the show. ~ Kliph Nesteroff

If drummers are 'anti-solo,' that's up to them. They're musicians, and they can play whatever they want. But my inspirations early on were people like Buddy Rich, seeing him on 'The Tonight Show', or Gene Krupa. ~ Neil Peart

Mitt Romney was a guest on 'The Tonight Show' on NBC. It's interesting - you have an empty suit trying to please everyone, and then Romney comes out. ~ David Letterman

Over the weekend, of course, down there in Washington, D.C., they had the big White House Correspondents' Dinner. Do you know who was really funny? President Obama. So funny, in fact, he has already been promised 'The Tonight Show' in five years. ~ David Letterman

Yes, I'm supposed to go back to New York to do Geraldo, and we're going to be doing The Tonight Show. ~ Bobby Sherman

People don't know this, but early in your career, you don't just glide on to The Tonight Show. ~ Tea Leoni

The only things that give it the illusion of being one country are the green-back, The Tonight Show, and McDonald's. ~ Neil Gaiman

In 1980, when I graduated from high school, my goal was to be on 'The Tonight Show' with Johnny Carson at least once before our ten-year class reunion. Our class reunion was in June of 1990, and I was on 'The Tonight Show' in April 1990, so I made it by a few months. ~ Jeff Dunham

I did the 'Tonight Show' once, and I choked up. I get intimidated. ~ John Candy

When I was young, I'd watch guys on 'The Tonight Show', Buddy Hackett, guys like that, where all they'd be is funny. Later, I remember, on 'Late Night with Letterman', I remember he'd have Jay Leno and Richard Lewis as first guests and the entire point was to entertain and be funny, and I think talk shows have kind of lost that. ~ Norm MacDonald

When I did 'The Tonight Show' and Jay Leno was still there, he was very nice but it was surreal. It's like you can't believe you're standing there talking to that person. If you've seen them in a lot of movies or on TV you feel like you know them, just like my fans feel like they know me. ~ Rodney Atkins

Every comedian dreams of hosting 'The Tonight Show' and, for seven months, I got to. I did it my way, with people I love, and I do not regret a second. ~ Conan O'Brien

Crystal ball and candle light, I want your dance tonight. Show me the power of love as we stand together in the middle of the night. ~ Santosh Kalwar

It was early on when I was really focused and obsessed with doing The Tonight Show and Letterman and stuff like that. Then, I quickly realized that those things don't make or break a career. ~ Gary Gulman

I got a call from my mom today, she says, 'Well, David, I see you didn't get the 'Tonight Show' again,' ~ David Letterman

When Joan Rivers walked through the curtain on 'The Tonight Show,' nobody in my house was allowed to utter a sound. Her gait was full of pep and purpose and her voice unmatched. ~ Judy Gold

The Tonight Show didn't seem like an actual job that you could have. All you remember is you watched Johnny Carson, and you never thought he would retire. ~ Jimmy Fallon

My first acting gig was a skit for Jay Leno on 'The Tonight Show.' It was this Barbie commercial where I got to pour mud all over Barbie dolls and watch the heads pop off. It was so exciting, a lot of fun. ~ Brie Larson

Dylan's friend Linus Millberg appears out of the crowd with a cup of beer and shouts, 'Dorothy is John Lennon, the Scarecrow is Paul McCartney, the Tin Woodman is George Harrison, the Lion's Ringo.'
'Star Trek,' commands Dylan over the lousy twangy country CB's is playing between sets.
'Easy,' Linus shouts back. "Kirk's John, Spock's Paul, Bones is George, Scotty is Ringo. Or Chekov, after the first season. Doesn't matter, it's like a Scotty-Chekov-combination Ringo. Spare parts are always surplus Georges or Ringos.'
'But isn't Spock-lacks-a-heart and McCoy-lacks-a-brain like Woodman and Scarecrow? So Dorothy's Kirk?'
'You don't get it. That's just a superficial coincidence. The Beatle thing is an archetype, it's like the basic human formation. Everything naturally forms into a Beatles, people can't help it.'
'Say the types again.'
'Responsible-parent genius-parent genius-child clown-child.'
'Okay, do Star Wars.'
'Luke Paul, Han Solo John, Chewbacca George, the robots Ringo.'
'Tonight Show.'
'Uh, Johnny Carson Paul, the guest John, Ed McMahon Ringo, whatisname George.'
'Doc Severinson.'
'Yeah, right. See, everything revolves around John, even Paul. That's why John's the guest.'
'And Severinson's quiet but talented, like a Wookie.'
'You begin to understand. ~ Jonathan Lethem

I gave up my base in popular culture when I left the Tonight Show. ~ Branford Marsalis

When we developed the 'Seinfeld' show, we took a bet on Jerry Seinfeld, who was not a household name. But Jerry had a voice. He was appearing on 'Late Night', on 'The Tonight Show', had some commercials out there, his voice of observational comedy, looking at the world around him, that voice was really starting to come into its own. ~ Warren Littlefield

I was always the class clown; I made my family laugh, and that was when I was always happiest. I grew up listening to stand-up comedians' albums and watching them on TV, on 'The Tonight Show' and Letterman. ~ Sarah Silverman

I moved from Cleveland to L.A. with a girlfriend, we broke up, and I lived out of my car for a year and a half, on the road with nothing on my mind but getting my act good enough to be on 'The Tonight Show.' ~ Drew Carey

I'm glad that that era of stand-up is over, because I think it adversely affected a lot of people who could have been really, really great comedians. Because they unconsciously or subconsciously stifled their wild impulses, and were thinking about the five clean minutes for The Tonight Show, or the 20-minute sitcom pitch as a stand-up act. ~ Patton Oswalt

I'll be honest with you. It's beginning to look like I'm not going to get 'The Tonight Show.' ~ David Letterman

When I got a call from Los Angeles to do the Tonight Show, I considered it more of an inconvenience than an opportunity. ~ Lorna Luft

This is The Tonight Show. I can't tell you too much about it, other than the fact that this program is going to go on forever. ~ Steve Allen

It used to be that if you got on 'The Tonight Show,' your career was made. Now, if you're on 'The Tonight Show,' maybe 14 more people show up to your gig in Tulsa. ~ Mike Birbiglia

It used to be if you wanted to be a comedian, you used to just do sets. You'd go up three times a night, just get better, and then some people would see you and you'd do 'The Tonight Show,' and then boom, you're a comedian. ~ Kurt Braunohler

It's really not that hard. If I do a Tonight Show, it's six or seven minutes. If I do a concert, it's 90 minutes. If I do an interview, that's 15 minutes. So by the end of the day I've done three hours worth of work. ~ Howie Mandel

I'm the producer of "The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon," so I definitely have an exciting day job. ~ Josh Lieb

I first started doing hidden-camera segments on 'The Tonight Show With Jay Leno.' He was the coolest guy in the world to work for because he understands the creative process, and he had total trust. And he just let me make up whatever I wanted; I experimented and tried and played. We had a lot of fun over there. ~ Michael Carbonaro

I wouldn't totally rule out doing Letterman or the Tonight Show if I had a set that I just happened to write that I thought was funny but was still appropriate for network censors. But I'm not going to go out of my way. ~ Joe Rogan

Immanuel Kant is credited with saying, "If the stars came out only once in a lifetime, we'd stay up all that night." Now we stay up late in Plato's cave just to watch the enervated stars on The Tonight Show. ~ William J. O'Malley

I like raconteurs; I like conversation. I liked the 'Tonight Show' when it was 90 minutes, I like when people aren't plugging things per se, and they're just in the moment being interesting. ~ Jeff Garlin

Let us show the world that a difference of opinion upon medical subjects is not incompatible with medical friendships; and in so doing, let us throw the whole odium of the hostility of physicians to each other upon their competition for business and money. ~ Benjamin Rush

I'm also working on a track for Howard Hewett, and a theme for a new NPR show. ~ George Duke

I'd actually rather have a talk show in Australia than even America; I hope I do end up with a talk show. ~ Sophie Monk

Being on Twitter and social media, you obviously get to see a lot more of what people are thinking of you and of your show. ~ Eliza Taylor

After fifteen years of making my living in stand-up, The Sarah Silverman Program has been a lesson in collaboration. Rob, Dan, and I live by the mantra "Whoever is most passionate." If I was mentoring someone, that's the Shandling-esque advice I would proffer: Find people you really respect and trust, and then at each decision, heed the most passionate voice. I love that because it eliminates nearly all struggle. And when you're doing a show that's mostly about farts, penises, and vaginas, there should be as little struggle as possible. ~ Sarah Silverman

Censure and criticism never hurt anybody. If false, they can't hurt you unless you are wanting in manly character; and if true, they show a man his weak points, and forewarn him against failure and trouble. ~ William E. Gladstone

I did a butterfly show in Berlin, and we had a guy who's an expert on butterflies; who bred them all and who looks after them all in the space. ~ Damien Hirst

We'll have an eternity to get to know each other intimately, starting tonight. I promise I will always be exactly what you need. ~ D.S. Schmeckpeper

A fair deal, as everyone knows, is when both people give something of more or less equal value. If you were bored with laying with your chemistry set, and you gave it to your brother in exchange for his dollhouse, that would be a fair deal. If someone offered to smuggle me out of the country in her sailboat, in exchange for free tickets to an ice show, that would be a fair deal. But working for years in a lumbermill in exchange for the owner's trying to keep Count Olaf away is an enormously unfair deal, and the three youngsters knew it. ~ Lemony Snicket

I like working on the house, small carpentry stuff. I also like working on the van. That's about as quiet as my mind gets, I think. I always loved working on the How's Your News? TV show and at Camp Jabberwocky too. ~ Chad Urmston

We're always looking for the best people that apply and have showed interest about being on the [Big Brother] show. In the past, other houseguests' siblings have approached us or applied, and in some cases it works out like Elissa [Reilly Slater] and in some cases it doesn't. We want to make sure we have the best people ultimately. ~ Allison Grodner

Do you know why books such as this are so important? Because they have quality. And what does the word quality mean? To me it means texture. This book has pores. It has features. This book can go under the microscope. You'd find life under the glass, streaming past in infinite profusion. The more pores, the more truthfully recorded details of life per square inch you can get on a sheet of paper, the more 'literary' you are. That's my definition anyway. Telling detail. Fresh detail. The good writers touch life often. The mediocre ones run a quick hand over her. The bad ones rape her and leave her for the flies. So now you see why books are hated and feared? They show the pores in the face of life. ~ Ray Bradbury

There's always a moment in any stand-up show I do where people are booing. They kinda boo a premise. And then I bail myself out with a joke. But it's like trying to do movies where there's a dramatic undertone. ~ Chris Rock

It was one of those scenes of life and animation, caught in its very brightest and freshest moments, which can scarcely fail to please; for if the eye be tired of show and glare, or the ear be weary with a ceaseless round of noise, the one may repose, turn almost where it will, on eager, happy, and expectant faces, and the other deaden all consciousness of more annoying sounds in those of mirth and exhilaration. Even the sunburnt faces of gypsy children, half naked though they be, suggest a drop of comfort. It is a pleasant thing to see that the sun has been there; to know that the air and light are on them every day; to feel that they are children, and lead children's lives; that if their pillows be damp, it is with the dews of Heaven, and not with tears; that the limbs of their girls are free, and that they are not crippled by distortions, imposing an unnatural and horrible penance upon their sex; that their lives are spent, from day to day, at least among the waving trees, and not in the midst of dreadful engines which make young children old before they know what childhood is, and give them the exhaustion and infirmity of age, without, like age, the privilege to die. God send that old nursery tales were true, and that gypsies stole such children by the score! ~ Charles Dickens

-Good thing you don't own a mirror, Mr. Mirrorless, or you'd see how ugly you are.

-What makes you think I don't own a mirror? Every face that ever looks at me tells me that I'm ugly. But every time I make them laugh, I get to show them what beauty really is.

-I see what you mean. Here, take my rearview mirror. I don't need to carry it around like a vagina on a rope anymore.

-Mr. Thrustsalone, you don't need to drag a vagina on a rope like some kind of pet on a leash to make you happy. There's a reason why God invented right hands and hookers.

-Why, so politicians could have more productive ways to spend their time and our money than engaging in politics?

-Mr. Thrustsalone, you are wise beyond your years.

-I'm 88 years old.

-Yet you don't look a day older than 87. ~ Jarod Kintz

President Bush had an opportunity tonight to say, 'Look ... things aren't going very well in Iraq and we did make some miscalculations and misjudgments there,' but he is so stubbornly arrogant - he just sticks with that same formula that he has in talking about the war on Iraq that just defies the reality that we all see on the ground. ~ Mike McCurry

Tonight - by taking this solemn oath - I am no longer a private citizen but the Mayor of the City of Chicago. ~ Jane Byrne

I can eat healthy when I want to, and I can work out every single day, and I can have the body for a certain runway show if I need to, but that doesn't mean that I'm doing it in an unhealthy way. ~ Gigi Hadid

No one could hear them over the carriage wheels, yet somehow it felt right to whisper. His eyes dropped to her gaping bodice. One nipple was reddened and still moist. He averted his eyes, swallowing. His erection, silly thing, didn't know the show was over. ~ Elizabeth Hoyt

We see less of Dave, certainly, and he's kind of fallen out of the sphere of our group, mostly because he's working on his show, and has kind of lost the fun of the party. ~ Bruce McCulloch

It's God that's worrying me. That's the only thing that's worrying me. What if He doesn't exist? What if Rakitin's right -that it's an idea made up by men? Then, if He doesn't exist, man is the king of the earth, of the universe. Magnificent! Only how is he going to be good without God? That's the question. I always come back to that. Who is man going to love then? To whom will he be thankful? To whom will he sing the hymn? Rakitin laughs. Rakitin says that one can love humanity instead of God. Well, only an idiot can maintain that. I can't understand it. Life's easy for Rakitin. 'You'd better think about the extension of civic rights, or of keeping down the price of meat. You will show your love for humanity more simply and directly by that, than by philosophy.' I answered him: 'Well, but you, without a God, are more likely to raise the price of meat if it suits you, and make a rouble on every penny.' He lost his temper. But after all, what is goodness? Answer that, Alyosha. Goodness is one thing with me and another with a Chinaman, so it's relative. Or isn't it? Is it not relative? A treacherous question! You won't laugh if I tell you it's kept me awake for two nights. I only wonder now how people can live and think nothing about it. Vanity! ~ Fyodor Dostoyevsky

I would love to be a guest on a talk show or a panel that shows women who have been on reality shows who've had success, to prove to audiences that you don't have to be a fool to become successful. ~ NeNe Leakes

Thoughtfulness is like a glue that hold a married couple together. Be creative and consistent in finding thoughtful ways to show your spouse that you love them and they are always on your mind. ~ Dave Willis

Rooster here has missed Ned a few times himself, horse and all,' said the captain. 'I reckon his is on his way now to missing him again.'

Rooster was holding a bottle with a little whiskey in it. He said, 'You keep on thinking that.' He drained off the whiskey in about three swallows and tapped the cork back in and tossed the bottle up in the air. He pulled his revolver and fired at it twice and missed. The bottle fell and rolled and Rooster shot at it two or three more times and broke it on the ground. He got out his sack of cartridges and reloaded his pistol. He said, 'The Chinaman is running them cheap shells in on me again.'

LaBoeuf said, 'I thought maybe the sun was in your eyes. That is to say, your eye.'

Rooster swung the cylinder back in his revolver and said, 'Eyes, is it? I'll show you eyes!' He jerked the sack of corn dodgers free from his saddle baggage. He got one of the dodgers out and flung it in the air and fired at it and missed. Then he flung another one up and he hit it. The corn dodger exploded. He was pleased with himself and he got a fresh bottle of whiskey from his baggage and treated himself to a drink.

LaBoeuf pulled one of his revolvers and got two dodgers out of the sack and tossed them both up. He fired very rapidly but he only hit one. Captain Finch tried it with two and missed both of them. Then he tried with one and made a successful shot. Rooster shot at two and hit one. They drank whiskey and used up ~ Charles Portis

Just as legendary rivers were used to represent the flow of life, so Mount Athos is a handy image to show human vulnerability. Its minerals themselves reminding us that ours is a planet constituted around Nature's awesome violence! Struggling to survive then, is integral to our existence. Literature on these issues, transforming rock and boulder into a subjective mountain, where fleshly mountaineers set forth, in the blinding brilliance of an alpine dawn, to ascend their own transgressions, remains telling. Breathing in, when nearing the top, to smell the pure air of spiritual comprehension: of heady intrinsic freedom, only to descend, once more, into the obscure and the pedestrian; albeit existentially transformed! In this way, indeed, Mount Athos transfigures many a man. ~ David William Parry

He braced his elbows on the desk,his brow on his fists. "She came shrieking across the court.I'd just hit a line drive,barely missed beaning her. Cameras rolling, and there I am trying to look my sixth-generational-hotelier best, the athletic yet intelligent, the world-traveled yet dedicated, the dashing yet concerned heir to the Templeton name."
"You'd be good at that," Margo murmured, hoping to placate him. He didn't even look at her.
"Suddenly I've got my arms full of this half-naked, spitting, swearing, clawing mass who's screaming that my sister, her lesbian companion, and my whore attacked her." He pinched the bridge of his nose, hoping to relieve some pressure. "I figured out right away who my sister was. Though I didn't appreciate the term,I deduced you must be my whore.The lesbian companion might have stumped me,but for process of elimination." He lifted his head. "I was tempted to belt her,but I was too busy trying to keep her from ripping off my face."
"It's such a nice face too." Hoping to soothe, she walked around the desk and sat on his lap. "I'm sorry she took it out on you."
"She sratched me." He turned his head to show her the trio of angry welts on the side of his throat. Dutifully, Margo kissed them. "What am I going to do with you?" he asked wearily and rested his cheek on her head. Then he chuckled. "How the hell did you stuff her into one of those skinny lockers?"
"It wasn't easy but it was fun."
He narrowed his eyes. "You' ~ Nora Roberts

It's a hard line to walk, man. Cause you know you want to make this movie, you want to make it dark and real, you want to show all this stuff but unfortunately you can't always do that. ~ Antoine Fuqua

Listen, you might want to pack a few of your things together before going to bed. The former bishop of Turkey will be coming tonight along with six to eight black men. They might put some candy in your shoes, they might stuff you into a sack and take you to Spain, or they might just pretend to kick you. We don't know for sure, but we want you to be prepared.
This was the reward for living in the Netherlands. As a child you get to hear this story, and as an adult you get to turn around and repeat it. ~ David Sedaris

Irrespective of the conflict with America it is a human duty to show sympathy with the American people, and be with them at these horrifying and awesome events which are bound to awaken human conscience. ~ Muammar Al-Gaddafi

Some days I feel more comfortable using sexuality in my work, and then some days I feel like being a little more reserved. I think that's why I'm in the middle of this whole conversation of, what is she? Is she a good girl or is she a bad girl? I think that I'm both. I don't need to be either. I don't need to be a pop princess who is America's sweetheart or the next rebellious, wild, young thing. I don't need to pick or choose. I can show skin and swear like a sailor but also be a good role model. I think that I'm a good person. I don't think cursing makes you a bad person. I don't think showing skin or kissing boys makes you a bad person. I don't think that expressing sexuality makes you a bad person at all. I don't think that's bad… I think it's great! ~ Ariana Grande

When you turn up for work, especially with looking down the barrel of a show, you're hoping the person you're acting opposite of is going to be on your kind of crazy wavelength. ~ Raza Jaffrey