Saluted Funny Quotes

He spun out enough toilet paper to vandalize a house and carefully cleaned the seat. ~ Adam Rex

Albert Einstein, who discovered that a tiny amount of mass is equal to a huge amount of energy, which explains why, as Einstein himself so eloquently put it in a famous 1939 speech to the Physics Department at Princeton, 'You have to exercise for a week to work off the thigh fat from a single Snickers.' ~ Dave Barry

I'm as poor as a church mouse, that's just had an enormous tax bill on the very day his wife ran off with another mouse, taking all the cheese. ~ Rowan Atkinson

In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra. ~ Fran Lebowitz

I've always liked dressing up. And I love a high heel - the higher the better. I just feel funny in flats. ~ Rachel McAdams

People who didn't need people needed people around to know that they were the kind of people who didn't need people. ~ Terry Pratchett

They said I was a valued customer, now they send me hate mail. ~ Sophie Kinsella

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions. ~ George Carlin

You got one guy going boom, one guy going whack, and one guy not getting in the endzone. ~ John Madden

Some things are easier to legalize than to legitimate. ~ Nicolas Chamfort

I'm going to marry Prince William! I'll get all Kate Middleton's cute coats! ~ Claudia Gray

I give him a skeptical look. "You want to show me your dick?"
"If it'll help convince you." He drains the last drops of his Scotch and stands up. "Come on, let's go. ~ Kendall Ryan

My fans are so funny, they make me laugh so much. I've got some really, really, funny, clever fans. ~ Ellie Goulding

I did what all good Iriah dads do when faced with a worthy adversary..I said Ask your mother!! ~ Eoin Colfer

A difficult situation, not for one individual, but for everybody ~ Mohammed Saeed Al-Sahaf

As he flushed, an unexpected realization hit him. This is the Pope's toilet, he thought. I just took a leak in the Pope's toilet. He had to chuckle. The Holy Throne. ~ Dan Brown

It's funny, humans tend to hatch our most challenging goals and dreams, the ones that demand the our greatest effort yet promise absolutely nothing, when we are tucked into our comfort zones. ~ David Goggins

There's nothing about the times when she wasn't funny or sexy, or when she talked too much or about her pissing or shitting. There's no way to really preserve a person when they're gone and that's because whatever you write down it's not the truth, it's just a story. ~ Steven Hall

Do not be in a hurry to succeed. What would you have to live for afterwards? Better make the horizon your goal; it will always be ahead of you. ~ William Makepeace Thackeray

When I was 12, I snapped my arm in two. My wrist still has a funny bump because they didn't join it back together so great. ~ Jessica De Gouw

You can always tell a pig by its grunt. ~ Nikolai Gogol

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator. ~ Emo Philips

I silently wished to be a car-I was big enough to be one. I wanted to imagine myself purring every time Devin got inside me and took me for a ride. Unfortunately, all I could see was me drunk with chocolate smeared across my face singing the Transformer's intro "Robots in Disguise!" into Shannon's broken box fan. ~ Tabatha Vargo

I think it's very funny that someone would exaggerate to make himself look worse. ~ David Leavitt

I've got everything I need right here." That sentimental thought met a room full of cheesy and sarcastic "aw's" and an empty water bottle thrown at my head. No, stop guys, really. You're embarrassing me. ~ Rachel Higginson

Friendship: A ship big enough for two in fair weather, but only one in foul. ~ Ambrose Bierce

The Opera is obviously the first draft of a fine spectacle; it suggests the idea of one. ~ Jean De La Bruyere

It's funny, this - so many words to describe the same thing," she smiled..."Penis is simply an anatomical appendage, as exciting as a finger or a phalange. A willy is something small and flaccid, and at least slightly humorous. Prick is the organ as viewed with distaste, perhaps with so much as to describe the entire body it's attached to, like a dick, but more so. Phallus is a symbol of fertility, but my favourite...is the cock, which is only ever the hard, real thing, unleashed and ready to dive head-first into any waiting orifice. Or hole, while I'm in thesaurus mode. ~ Morgana Blackrose

There is an enduring freshness in what remains strange and obscure which the cliches of greatness can only evoke nostalgia for. ~ Bauvard

Too often cartoonists just look at other cartoonists and, after a lot of inbreeding, everyone has the same funny look. The challenge of drawing is that there is no one right way to visually describe something. It's a good thing to confront your limitations and preconceptions every so often. ~ Bill Watterson

Every dogma has its day. ~ Anthony Burgess

Nonetheless, love is a funny thing. More specifically, second loves are a funny thing. For no matter how special that second or third or even fourth love is, no matter how much you can't live without him, the first one always creeps in. ~ Lindsay Detwiler

You 50 year old one-breasted bag of meat. Just hang it up and be grateful some of your friends are still living. ~ Jim Norton

Little Red, Little Red, what's in the chip bag, Little Red?"
And in the same singsong voice I answered, "Nothing at all, Nothing at all, Nothing at all but your grandpa's head. ~ Neal Shusterman

Don't see me as a girl. See me as a buddy of yours or something."
He cast his eyes downward and didn't look back up to my face. I looked down and groaned. Such a guy.
"My buddies don't have boobs, as far as I know."
"Because you felt them up to be sure?" I chuckled, against my better judgement.
Once again, his mouth dropped open. ~ Stephanie Witter

If your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan, you might be a redneck. ~ Jeff Foxworthy

To the U.S. and the world, I'm just known as some funny song and some funny music, some funny video guy. But in Korea I'm doing one of the biggest concerts; it's not a dance music concert. I'm playing with the band, so I change my every song to a rock song. ~ Psy

This is stolen? We're in a stolen jet?"
"Not stolen," said Donegan Bane from the co-pilot's seat.
"Almost stolen," Gracious corrected.
"Semi-stolen," said Donegan.
"Quasi-stolen," said Gracious.
Aurora's frown did not turn upside down. "So is it stolen or not?"
Donegan and Gracious hesitated.
"Yes," they both said together. ~ Derek Landy

For years, it's driven me crazy that women don't have better roles, especially in comedies. I know so many funny women but I always felt ... misogynist streak is too strong a term - but a dismissiveness. ~ Paul Feig

Maybe we should develop a Crayola bomb as our next secret weapon. A happiness weapon. A beauty bomb. And every time a crisis developed, we would launch one. It would explode high in the air - explode softly - and send thousands, millions, of little parachutes into the air. Floating down to earth - boxes of Crayolas. And we wouldn't go cheap, either - not little boxes of eight. Boxes of sixty-four, with the sharpener built right in. With silver and gold and copper, magenta and peach and lime, amber and umber and all the rest. And people would smile and get a little funny look on their faces and cover the world with imagination. ~ Robert Fulghum

The perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at 4:00 A.M. ~ Charlie Pierce

Marathon tidying produces a heap of garbage. At this stage, the one disaster that can wreak more havoc than an earthquake is the entrance of that recycling expert who goes by the alias of "mother. ~ Marie Kondo

Organizations like the CIA and the FBI are still kind of supermen, kind of SS troops: We're blond and the best and everyone else should be incinerated. They don't know right from wrong. That's what makes a satire of these government bureaus really funny. ~ Mel Brooks

I don't believe in God, I only believe in Al Pacino, and that's the truth. ~ Javier Bardem

I type a 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language. ~ Mitch Hedberg

If it is gay, ribald and lascivious night-life you are after, Israel is not the place for you. The night clubs you do find are nearer in spirit to a YMCA than to dens of iniquity. ~ George Mikes

Oh for Christ sakes. Ay carrumba, chimichanga. I have no idea what you're saying, but shut your pretty pie hole. ~ Cristin Harber

I just wrote a book. But don't go and buy it yet, because I don't think it's finished. ~ Lawrence Welk

Naked dudes are inherently funny. ~ Adam DeVine