Funny Clever Quotes

Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do. ~ W.C. Fields

Clever is the eunuch version of funny. ~ George Meyer

Laura's problem was that she kept casting men in roles they weren't suited for. Like lovely Josh, casting him in the role of decent, kind house-husband, the perfect partner, the modern male, when - what was it that she'd actually loved about him, really? Laura tried to think, and couldn't come up with an answer. He was a great man - kind, funny, clever, hard working - but there was no way he was the man for her, she realised now. Why hadn't she seen it? ~ Harriet Evans

Comedians who are 22 years old can certainly be funny and clever, and be capable of telling jokes - but are they talking about their favorite TV shows, or a particular brand of shampoo? ~ Rob Delaney

Men Wanted for Dangerous Expedition: Low Wages for Long Hours of Arduous Labour under Brutal Conditions; Months of Continual Darkness and Extreme Cold; Great Risk to Life and Limb from Disease, Accidents and Other Hazards; Small Chance of Fame in Case of Success. ~ Ernest Shackleton

I thought John was funny, clever and wise. The only problem with him being my muse was that he was so open about his emotions--he wrote and talked about his mother, Yoko, even his aunt, all the time, acknowledging how important women were in his life--so I assumed all boys were like this--and to my huge disappointment, almost none of them were or are. ~ Viv Albertine

People forget how outcast 'They Might Be Giants' can be. They have a reputation for writing really deft, funny, clever melodies, and they also make a lot of music for kids, which is terrific, but when you see them in concert, they can rock the house. ~ John Hodgman

What a man misses mostly in heaven is company. ~ Mark Twain

When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye. ~ Cathy Guisewite

My fans are so funny, they make me laugh so much. I've got some really, really, funny, clever fans. ~ Ellie Goulding

I have always been very fond of them (drama critics) ... I think it is so frightfully clever of them to go night after night to the theatre and know so little about it. ~ Noel Coward

So, deadpan I think just means not acknowledging for one second that you think that this is funny and clever. ~ Patrick Warburton

Love ceases to be a pleasure when it ceases to be a secret. ~ Aphra Behn

I handed him a beaker and toyed with the pleats of my skirt. The folds kept rippling against my knees in a distracting way. It was one of Naomi's additions to my wardrobe. I quickly decided that I hated it. ~ Andrea Cremer

Funny is funny is funny. ~ Bob Newhart

Emma says after I was born I cried for days. She said I'd never shut up which is funny really because Dad says I never shut up now so maybe that's what happens, you get born and act the same your whole life. ~ Steven Herrick

It's because I'm pregnant, Christian."
He snorts, and his mouth twists into an ironic smile. "If I knew getting you knocked up was going to make you eat, I might have done it earlier. ~ E.L. James

On respect for the Queen: When I lick a stamp I always do it with my eyes closed. ~ Russell Brand

So what was in this building before historical materialism?'
'Before what?'
'You know, back then, under the old regime?'
'Oh. Under the old regime my master lived here.'
'A bourgeois?'
'You're a bourgeois yourself! He wasn't a bourgeois. He was a marshal of the nobility.'
'So he was a proletarian, then?'
'You're a proletarian yourself! I told you loud and clear, a marshal.'
The conversation with the clever dvornik with a vague understanding of the class structure of society would have lasted god knows how long if the young man hadn't made a decisive move. ~ Ilya Ilf

Intelligence is mortal, but wisdom is divine. ~ Matshona Dhliwayo

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

We didn't die,' she said.
Of course not. I'm too clever to die, and you're too pretty.'
I am pretty,' Valkryie said, managing a grin. ~ Derek Landy

Milo refreshed Rae's drink and said, Talk to her. You need to get it off your chest." Then Milo turned to me and said, "Why don't you try a more subtle approach."
"I demand you tell me your troubles," I said to my sister.
"You're not as funny as you think you are," Rae replied. ~ Lisa Lutz

Money never made a fool of anybody; it only shows them up. ~ Elbert Hubbard

Isn't it funny that only twenty years ago, they were down there cowering in terror that we trigger-happy, decadent, capitalist Americans would go nuclear on them any minute? Little did they know our secret weapon was Starbucks. ~ Magnus Flyte

A peacock that rests on his feathers is just another turkey. ~ Dolly Parton

Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily. ~ Rita Rudner

Mr. A calls me into his office and says he's got bad news and bad news, and which do I want first. I say the bad news. ~ George Saunders

We all know how funny Morrissey is. Actually, you know what? I say that sarcastically. His songs are some of the funniest songs I've ever heard in my life. I mean, really. I mean, not that the 'Girlfriend in a Coma' is, like, really funny. ~ Zach Galifianakis

It's a common form of kindness here on Earth to give people food to take home with them when they leave. We even have special receptacles to carry the food in. It's called Tupperware.
Jory explaining leftovers to Dane ~ Mary Calmes

Elephants are so wise and so funny and so endangered and so intelligent. I just think there is a lot to learn from them. ~ Gloria Steinem

What part of Canada are you from, honey?"
"THE LEFT PART," said Jay. ~ Adam Rex

I just thought everybody lived around abandoned buildings and crack-heads, ... I lived in the ghetto until I was like 19. I came to Los Angeles, stayed at hotels and stuff. When I got back and I saw what my neighborhood looked like, I started getting scared. ~ Chris Rock

It's a gift," she said, her voice funny, deep with emotion. "Watching you all get close, witnessing all that happened making you closer, feeling that love. But it was another gift, maybe even a bigger one, precious, knowing that sharing it makes people I don't know laugh. It makes them happy. Some of them write to me. They tell me bad things are happening in their lives. But they read my book and it takes them away. It makes them smile. Laugh. Even if for moments, or better yet hours, they can forget the bad, be with us here at Fortnum's, and laugh." She tipped her head to the side. "That's beautiful. So how can it be wrong? ~ Kristen Ashley

The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window! ~ Henny Youngman

She wanted to be given a funny script so that she could make it funnier. ~ Nick Hornby

I don't believe that math and nature respond to democracy. Just because very clever people have rejected the role of the infinite, their collective opinions, however weighty, won't persuade mother nature to alter her ways. Nature is never wrong. ~ Janna Levin

From my dad ... I think we have a similar sense of humor. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing, but I think he's funny! ~ Jenna Bush

There is no spoon. ~ Jim Butcher

The difference between screwing around and science is writing it down. ~ Adam Savage

I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish. ~ Steven Wright

It's always funny watching something so beautiful not know how beautiful it really is. It's sad even. ~ Holly Hood

I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same. ~ Mitch Hedberg

Right on time, sugar." Josh draped his arm around her shoulders and steered her through the lobby. "Traffic okay?"
"Yeah, except when that alien spaceship landed on I-90 and then all those crickets jumped out to perform Beethoven's Fifth on kazoos. Otherwise, clear sailing. ~ Jamie Farrell

Now you're discovering the great secret of great writing: one line of true feeling is worth a thousand pages of clever thinking. ~ Menna Van Praag

When you argue with someone, you always argue at the level of the person with the lowest level of intelligence. You never argue up. ~ Spuds Crawford

... Pfiffikus, whose vulgarity made Rosa Hubermann look like a wordsmith and a saint. ~ Markus Zusak

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink. ~ Joe E. Lewis

I certainly hadn't expected to walk away from today's trip with joint custody of a miniature dragon. ~ Richelle Mead

She got icing all over her face. I think that's why I like her. For the good stuff, she's willing to get icing all over her face. Who wouldn't want a girl like that? ~ Laura Ruby

Warren made a noise, the first one I'd heard out of him since we'd come into the room. I'd have been happier if he hadn't sounded scared.
"Easy, Warren," Adam told him. "You're safe here."
"If you die on us, you won't be," said Kyle with a growl that would have done credit to any of the werewolves in the room. ~ Patricia Briggs

So, did you get sick or something?" Marlboro Man asked. "You okay?" He touched his hand to my knee.
"No," I answered. "I got…I got hot."
He looked at me. "Hot?"
"Yeah. Hot." I had zero pride left.
"So…what were you doing in the bathroom?" he asked.
"I had to take off all my clothes and fan myself," I answered honestly. The vitamin C and vodka had become a truth serum. "Oh, and wipe the sweat off my neck and back." This was sure to reel him in for life.
Marlboro Man looked at me to make sure I wasn't kidding, then burst into laughter, covering his mouth to keep from spitting out his Scotch. Then, unexpectedly, he leaned over and planted a sweet, reassuring kiss on my cheek. "You're funny," he said, as he rubbed his hand on my tragically damp back. ~ Ree Drummond

You are unnerving the hell out of me, Valkyrie."
"oh" she frowned, petting her bat fitfully " I must have misread the future for the past." she shrugged. "It happens. ~ Kresley Cole

What I do know is that I have never found clowns remotely funny. I am not alone in this, I think. More people find clowns disturbing or distressing rather than raucously amusing. Is it that the nature of human existence has changed so radically in the last century or so that what was funny to our grandparents and great-grandparents is now tragic or terrifying? ~ Clive Barker

We aren't just defined by who we are, but by who are friends are. It's funny that we put so much importance on something that wont mean shit once we graduate. ~ Shaun David Hutchinson

Philosophers have a long tradition of marrying stupid women, from Socrates on. They think it clever. ~ Simon Gray

I never threw an illegal pitch. The trouble is, once in a while I toss one that ain't never been seen by this generation. ~ Satchel Paige

Redemption is a funny thing. Even if we don't ask for it - even if we don't think we want it - sometimes we seek it out. In our words and our actions. Because something drives us to make right the things that we did. It's what allows us to keep living with ourselves. ~ Obie Williams

I remember watching 'Colombo' a lot with my dad. That was one of the first detective shows I remember watching. And I remember my dad turning to me - my dad loves to turn to me and explain why things are funny. He used to do that with 'Seinfeld' all the time. He did it with 'Colombo', too, set the scene. ~ Stephanie Beatriz