Sexy Humor Quotes

Best surprise ever." I whispered in his face. Then I leaned in and kissed him hard and deep like it was the last kiss I'd ever get.
"Wrong darlin', best hello ever." He grinned ~ K. Larsen

Tallish. Check. Built like a bull. Check. Were there tingles in her downstairs department? Mmhmm. Check. Her pearly gates had gone into override and the doors were ready to burst open. ~ Cari Silverwood

Chuckling, I cried, "I'm sorry." I pulled even harder and broke loose from his grip, but I fell backwards onto the floor. He slowly stalked towards me, his smile filled with desire and I pointed my hand at him. "Don't. Behave!"
"Don't behave? I accept your terms of parole."
"That's not what I meant!" But when my smile broke through, he knew I was lying. ~ Devon Ashley

You smell salty," he says. "Like the ocean." He leans closer to me and licks up the side of my face. "You taste salty too. Maybe I should grab a bottle of tequila and we should have some fun." He moves his eyebrows up and down. "What do you say? We'll do some shots and I'll lick you all over. ~ Jillian Dodd

I'll take her home. You guys finish ... whatever ... you were doing. She glances to me, a slight blush on her face. I tug Cash's borrowed shirt down, hiding my red ass cheek. The spatula is still in his hand. He's only wearing boxers. Dear Lord. ~ Pella Grace

Over the years, Gwen had found there were two kinds of men. Men who made eating a woman an art form because they were average - or barely - in size so they had to compensate. And men who were hung like horses but felt that nine-incher somehow exempted them from one of her favorite forms of entertainment.
Yet somehow that Irish luck that had kept Gwen alive all these years deigned to reward on her the highest blessing a woman could hope for. A well-hung man who loved to give his woman head. ~ Shelly Laurenston

For the briefest of moments his eyes sparkled before dimming again. However much I would love to get into a discussion about chastity belts, now is not the time. The people we were fighting were not human in the strictest sense of the word. ~ Michelle Smart

No asshole would stop Harley Wright's epic quest for pussy. He would fight every bum in Manhattan for a fine piece of ass like Sorcha! ~ Alan Kinross

I find intelligence sexy. I find a sense of humor sexy. I find sensitivity sexy. ~ Nicole Appleton

Oh yeah," Zane says and smirks at me. "I had her for dinner once. Best meal of my life. ~ Nicole Christie

Though Jones had formerly believed himself in the very prime of youth and vigor, his first encounter with Lady Bellaston both vexed and puzzled him. For though his own youthful appetites were quickly sated, hers were ravenous and almost beyond his power to satisfy. Her kisses and caresses were a source of inexpressible delight; yet when all was over it was he who collapsed into the most profound slumber. Early the next morning she took him shopping, her manner fresh and cheerful. Jones could not fathom her spritely behavior. And in spite of all his best endeavors, he could scarcely keep his eyes open. ~ Henry Fielding

It's a shame you're going to the ball. I will be all alone in my big house. It seems a shame to waste it – after all, if the undead are going to kill me, I'd hate to die a spinster and a virgin. ~ Michelle Smart

Did you get a secret thrill out of sitting across from me, eating a civilized dinner while pretending not to know you were teasing my cock?" Rate St. Sebastian ~ Samanthe Beck

She had no idea how long they kissed - and kissed - but she didn't think about stopping until she ran out of air. Breathing hard, she slowly opened her eyes and stared directly into his.
They'd heated. Darkened. And something else. He wasn't looking so relaxed now. In fact, he was looking the opposite of relaxed. He looked ... feral.
And she was his prey. ~ Jill Shalvis

You answered… don't hang up" he doesn't speak for a second so I take the time to correct him, "Hi Sorry, this is Eden… Ryan's just a bit preoccupied right now" and then I realise what that must sound like "NOT LIKE THAT, his busy with his brother" I rush out before I can think of what I'm saying "OH MY GOD, not like that either ~ Sarah Clay

She took hold of him through his pants. I want this inside me five minutes ago. ~ Amber Belldene

Mew - mew. Mew." I jump back from her finger swipes. "I am fluent in pussy, but I have no idea what this fucking means, Georgia. ~ Pella Grace

It's funny, this - so many words to describe the same thing," she smiled..."Penis is simply an anatomical appendage, as exciting as a finger or a phalange. A willy is something small and flaccid, and at least slightly humorous. Prick is the organ as viewed with distaste, perhaps with so much as to describe the entire body it's attached to, like a dick, but more so. Phallus is a symbol of fertility, but my favourite...is the cock, which is only ever the hard, real thing, unleashed and ready to dive head-first into any waiting orifice. Or hole, while I'm in thesaurus mode. ~ Morgana Blackrose

You didn't care about anything except my tongue tracing the path of your thong. All the way down…" Rafe St. Sebastian ~ Samanthe Beck

I wanna punch you in the throat right now. Do you think that's sexy? ~ K. Langston

I'm going to make you feel so good," I swore to her, "that you're going to not just scream my name, but forget yours. ~ Shay Savage

I love the business. Hooking is
just acting laced with lust."
BUNNY Stilettos And Steel ~ Jeri Estes

When they figure out how to bottle up orgasms and sell them as a food additive, I'll be first in line. ~ Nenia Campbell

Awash with trepidation, he was suddenly on the mattress, lured like an errant sailor onto a siren's rocky shore. ~ Kevin Ansbro

First of all, I'll tell you who I'm not. I'm not your enemy, so you can put the sharp pointy objects away,' he responded in a light conversational tone, obviously not deterred by my abrasiveness, which only pissed me off more to know he didn't find me to be a threat at all.
'Well, first of all, I'll be the judge of that,' I cut him off before he could continue. 'And second of all, I'm not interested in who you're not,' I added.
'So you're saying you're interested in who I am?' He gave me a moment to process what he said before a smile broke on his face.
My cheeks flamed. 'Hardly. Just interested in whether or not I'll be seeing you around again,' I was seething and beginning to shake with indignation.
'So you want to see me again? ~ Alicia Deters

Stop," he murmured, or at least that's what he meant to say. It came out sounding more like "Yes," which probably wasn't the same thing at all. ~ Tawna Fenske

They'd used sex instead of communication in the past, and it had turned out disastrously. ~ Miranda Liasson

Are you a person who peels off a band-aid slowly or just rips it off all at once? Casey contemplated Alexa's warning, recognizing it for what it was. ~ Donna McDonald

Real sex is as much about reciprocity as it is exploration and if you need a reason to resent a man later on, just consider the guy who doesn't believe in cunnilingus ... ~ Roberto Hogue

How do you like your eggs?" she said. "Hard or soft?"
"Hard," he bit out. "Why am I not surprised. ~ J.R. Ward

Some like it hot,
Others like it cold.
I like it bold,
Do you like it not?? ~ Ana Claudia Antunes

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem? ~ Dustin Hoffman

Many of my ex-girlfriends were habitual half-asian daters. These women considered half-asian men 'exotic,' 'sexy,' and 'just-like-Keanu Reeves-in-the-Matrix. I consider these stereotypes appropriate because I got laid. ~ Kip Fulbeck

I warned you the next time you spread your legs for me, I wouldn't be a gentleman. Did you expect a gentleman, Chelsea?" Rate St. Sebastian ~ Samanthe Beck

Just don't stare at my ass, Landemere," he added.
"I wasn't staring at your ass," Arranulf, who had been staring at his ass, said. ~ Andrew Ashling

Lately, my sexual fantasies revolved around once again having a landlord. Looks, age, and hygiene didn't matter, as long as he had a tool belt and said, Don't worry, I'll fix it. ~ J.A. Konrath

Mmmm I like the sounds you're making," he murmured in a honeyed whisper. "I just bet that you're a screamer. Should I have brought earplugs?
Kurt Nielsen ~ Nikki Sex

Shane was just leaving, too."
"What?" he cried.
I slammed my palms flat against his body. Dear God, there were some nice ridges hiding under that shirt! My hands slid up to his pecks and pushed. "Yeah. You have to go now."
"Are you for real?" he asked. He was slowly backing his way through the room, but it had nothing to do with the strength of my push ... or lack thereof.
"Very. I can't. I need to sleep on this."
With a wicked smile, he flattened his hands over mine and sassed, "I'm all for you sleeping on me. Let's go. ~ Devon Ashley

How was it that the one man who could take their company down appeared to be the only one who believed in her? ~ Miranda Liasson

It's not over, Maddie. It's still not over between us. We need to talk. ~ Miranda Liasson

Charity knew there was nothing more coarse and common than an afternoon in bed with a total stranger
but the lad installing the telephone had a grin that made her heart turn flips. ~ Elizabeth Jane Howard

You love that, don't you?" I growled. "Being hammered by my cock ... you must think you're in ... fucking ... heaven."
Punctuation by cock thrust - the very best kind. ~ Shay Savage

I'm feeling particularly good and wicked at the moment. ~ A.R. Von

Robert, what are you doing? I'm cooking.'

'I like to thank the chef for the excellent food.'

'But surely that is done at the end of the meal.'

'What a good idea, I'll thank you later … as it should be done. ~ Debra Strattford

Absence makes the clitoris grow fonder. ~ Cassie Mae

I was a simple girl. And I honestly didn't want to debate whether a fallen tree really made a sound in the woods if no one was there to hear it. I'd rather discuss what kind of tree it was and if it held any medicinal properties that could be brewed into a healthful tea. ~ Juliette Cross

Did you want to change into something more comfortable?" Adrian asks with a raise in his eyebrows, breaking me out of my train of thought, but not away from naughty thoughts.

I smack his knee. "I'm comfortable, but I know you're not." He doesn't mind dressing up, but on most days I see him in casual clothes like screen-printed tees and hoodies.

"You're right," he says, tapping my knee lightly, standing up. As he walks toward the hallway, he slips his shirt off the rest of the way. I can't look away from the sight, even if it is only from the back. Damn. What is happening to me? Have I gone mad?

Before I can tear my eyes away from him, he turns around. Judging by the look in his eyes, I've been caught. I have so been caught. Damn again. I didn't want him to see me practically drooling. It's too late for that now.

He smirks. "You know, I could spend the rest of the night just like this." He places a hand to the hard muscles of his chest.

I clear my throat, trying really hard not to imagine my hand in place of his, and say, "If I'm wearing clothes, you're wearing clothes."

"So if I'm not wearing clothes..." I grab a coaster from the coffee table and fling it at him. He catches it in his hand. "Just remember, all you have to do is say otherwise. ~ Lilly Avalon

Come make me sticky.
Dimitri to Honor ~ Nalini Singh

Her insides began to roar with a ferocious explosion of sensation and entitlement. For a moment, her thinking mind know this was what male and females were put on earth to do. ~ Lisa McKnight

Tina returns from the bathroom and climbs into bed with a question in her eye.
"I want to talk you about something."
I get worried, but I try not to show it.
"I have a number of questions that I want to ask you. I feel like you are the only person that I can ask these questions. Do you mind?"
"No, I don't mind. Go ahead."
"Do you think that escorts are more health-conscious than most girls? Do you think that they get tested more regularly for STDs, and that they are more careful, for example, as in using condoms?"
"I definitely think that they are."
"Why do you think that?"
"The girls that I see all tell me that they get tested anywhere from every month to every three months. They always use condoms, that is, unless they trust the guy and they know that he gets tested regularly. All these girls know how to do a dick check and they screen their clients before meeting them. Therefore, I would say that the escorts that I have met are all much more health conscious than amateurs are."
"Do you get tested regularly?"
"I've told my MD that I see girls and he orders tests for me every three months, or at least twice a year at a minimum."
"I would like to dispel some of the myths about escorts. ~ Sacha Haughtee

Butt holes are like a one-way street; they were made the way they were for a reason. ~ Nenia Campbell

If you fucked the way you mouthed off to me, I'd have come by now. ~ Nenia Campbell

Hanks grin almost sent me into meltdown. The kind where I killed him, but first I would stick my tongue down his throat and ride him till he was blind. ~ Robyn Peterman

'How big's your dick?' Zak blurted.
His father gave a roar of outrage.
'How good's your dental plan?' asked Number Five.
Zak laughed.
'You can't ask that,' his father snapped at his side.
'My favorite composer is Rachmaninov. My last client moved to New Zealand. There's nothing stuck to my shoe. I had fruit for breakfast and I don't waste my time worrying. I make sure there's never anything to worry about.' He walked across the room and put his mouth close to Zak's ear. 'In answer to your last. How responsive's your gag reflex?' ~ Barbara Elsborg

He circled around me, whispering in my ear. "I'm O positive. I'm everyone's type. ~ Dannika Dark

Right now, do you want to come up and... uhm... I´ve got movies! Or, uhm, a soda. Or... coffee. I´ve got coffee and biscotti! Or...." "Sex, Zach," Sean said soberly. "I think we can skip the preliminaries. We need to have sex. ~ Amy Lane

In the comfort of his embrace I lifted my mouth to his and initiated a kiss. Although calling it a kiss was like calling tyrannosaurus rex a small pet. ~ Blakely Bennett

Tip #4
Skinny-dip at will!

(Idea)
When single boast about finding your inner most happy place and hold on to it Odds are once married you can kiss personal space Good-Bye. ~ Hazel Cartwright

I know you mean well, wife, but I'm gonna spank your ass red tonight for this." I lick the outer part of her ear and she shivers. "I'll give you what you want, but you will owe me big. ~ Joz Maxel

Did you get any blood on your breasts? I'm willing to go the extra mile. ~ Dannika Dark

I let my eyes drift down to his.
I like you rumpled. It's very ... sexy. ~ Katrina Abbott

One slice of key lime pie. Two forks.' I felt Todd's hand on my arm. 'You'll thank me later.' No doubt I would. ~ Ophelia London

'Yeah,' he said with slow satisfaction. 'You need it bad. Worse than I do.'
I gasped, 'Is it a competition? What do I win?'
'Shh. Turn off for a few seconds, Adrien.'
'A few seconds? Is that all it's
' I caught my breath as his finger moved knowledgeably, unerringly.
'There's the off button,' he murmured. ~ Josh Lanyon

I want you in every way possible and in ways you've probably never even imagined. Your saving grace is I don't sleep with vamps. If things were different we wouldn't be talking and you'd be enjoying the hell out of where this could be going." - Lexan, The Way You Bite ~ Zoe Forward

Pay closer attention to it's ears, the reason it's named the Rabbit. Is it just me, or do those ears also look like someone making a rude V-Sign hand gesture?

Oh, I get it now. Yes, very funny! Those bunny ears are meant to stimulate the clitoris, right? And of course, statistics and studies in bullshit magazines claim that 1 in every 2 men can't find the clitoris, right? Meaning what I think it means and that the sexist female who obviously designed this device is basically sticking two fingers up at crappy men, because her world famous toy can find the users clitoris quicker ~ Jimmy Tudeski

You looking for a firsthand demonstration of my heterosexual prowess, cowgirl? Because I'm more than up for a challenge. ~ Lorelei James

When you f*** a Vampire, you get a free hat. ~ Daven Anderson

But as an escort it's our duty to hold their attention and play with their heads. The one between their ears and the one in their pants. ~ S.K. Logsdon

Mr. Montgomery pushes the envelope. It's everything we shouldn't do, yet, he makes us want to, anyway. ~ Nadlee Thims

The best laid plans may not get you laid the way you planned. ~ Susan Block

You can never be a sexy beast like Melissa and Stefani ~ Melanie Hornack

I have one important question to ask you before I kiss you."
Kiss her? Her eyes had possibly bulged out of their sockets. Not good. "What?"
"Are you allergic to calamari? ~ Cari Silverwood

Forgetting herself, she turned toward him and her eyes bulged. "You're naked!"
"It's what one tends to do in their home when it's time to sleep," he growled, now beginning to visibly get upset. And it seemed the more upset he got, the harder he got.
His cock was long and quickly turning rigid. She tried to look away without seeming like it affected her, but she knew her eyes were enormous in her face and her heart was definitely doing a strange stuttering.
"Stop acting like such a virgin. This isn't for you. ~ Marie Hall

Sex on a rainy afternoon is like getting all the gloom and wetness to go away for a while. And afterwards you don't even notice if the rain's still falling. ~ Elizabeth Jane Howard

Gabby couldn't believe what he had just said. Her mouth gaped open and a flirty smile came over her. She slowly peeled her half wet white t-shirt over her head and then slowly shimmied out of her shorts. What had gotten into her? She had never acted like this before, but she suddenly felt playful, fun and daring. If he wanted to play, so could she. ~ J.B. McGee

Jake West had ruined the entire male penis experience for me for eternity. Any dick that wasn't his may as well be flaccid and the size of a pin. ~ Amity Cross

Wad Rayyes, you're a man who talks. rubbish. Your whole brain's in the head of your penis and the head of your penis is as small as your brain. ~ Tayeb Salih

Never be afraid to be sexy! ~ Alysha Speer

It's hard to argue over money when a girl flashes you her pussy. ~ Oliver Markus Malloy

Feeling a little calmer?" she asked, leaning against the desk again.

Dax snorted. "Mellow as anything. I'm ready to curl up and take a nap now. Don't mind if I purr. ~ Katherine McIntyre

The average man thinks about sex every tits seconds. ~ Oliver Markus Malloy

Took long enough," she called out, not wanting to admit how the sight of him made her throat hitch, how the man was so gorgeous she lost her mind. "I thought you drowned in the mirror from staring into your reflection too long. ~ Katherine McIntyre

E kissed me right on my gonna-see-God. ~ Alice Clayton

I give him a skeptical look. "You want to show me your dick?"
"If it'll help convince you." He drains the last drops of his Scotch and stands up. "Come on, let's go. ~ Kendall Ryan

I've a weak spot for women who take the wheel. ~ Susie M. Hanley

First one gives off his best picture, the bright and finished product mended with bluff and falsehood and humor. Then more details are required and one paints a second portrait, and third
before long the best lines cancel out
and the secret is exposed at last; the planes of the picture have intermingled and given us away, and though we paint and paint we can no longer sell a picture. We must be satisfied with hoping such fatuous accounts of ourselves as we make to our wives and children and business associates are accepted as true. ~ F Scott Fitzgerald

Write out of depression. Edit into depression. ~ Mari Stewart

I asked this heroic pet lover how it felt to have died for a schnauzer named Teddy. Salvador Biagiani was philosophical. He said it sure beat dying for absolutely nothing in the Viet Nam War. ~ Kurt Vonnegut

I'm not cute, I'm sexy, ~ Alanea Alder

My sister has an incredible body. I feel sorry for anyone who would judge her, because she's one sexy lady ... It's disgusting that people would say those things. ~ Ashlee Simpson

Remembering the past is always gilded in golden nostalgia. Anticipating the future is always softened with hope. Dealing with the present is just straight up unpleasant. ~ Tim McGiven

What an ornament and safeguard is humor! Far better than wit for a poet and writer. It is a genius itself, and so defends from the insanities. ~ Walter Scott

I love it--I just love it. ~ Franklin D. Roosevelt

This has to be one of the strangest standoffs in history. 'No, please, you air your grievances first.' 'No, no, I couldn't possibly. ~ Katee Robert

I don't feel any need to play the role of the clown. In my private life I take a break from humor. ~ Gad Elmaleh

I find the whole concept of being 'sexy' embarrassing and confusing. If I do a photo-shoot, people desperately want to change me - dye my hair blonder, pluck my eyebrows, give me a fringe. Then there's the choice of clothes. I know everyone wants a picture of me in a mini-skirt. But that's not me. ~ Emma Watson

Ode to Douglas Adams

In the solar system we inhabit, we live on a small planet we all call Earth. Okay, when I say small, I mean it's small compared to say, oh, Jupiter. Earth is something like a dime compared to Jupiter's beach ball. On this Earth is a fairly large country we all call The United States of America. Of course, when I say fairly large, it's like the U.S. is a piece of broccoli next to China's really large cauliflower. Now that I think of it, that may not be a good comparison as it depends on the restaurant you go to. At the place I was at last night it would be a good comparison as the cauliflower was larger than the broccoli. Not that I'd touch either. I had a hamburger with fries and somebody at the next table had those ghastly vegetables.

From the Preface to "Sex and the American Male." I was saddened by the passing of Douglas Adams and wrote the preface to sound a little like his "Hitchhiker's..." books and to honor him. I hope he's smiling. ~ Jay Williams

And why does it smell like something DIED in the mud and is STILL in there rotting? ~ Rachel Renee Russell

When a man first awakens, it sometimes takes several moments before he starts thinking clearly."
"And here I thought it took several years, perhaps a lifetime for the average man's intellect to kick in. ~ Karen Marie Moning

I'm the terrorist, do what I say or I'll terrorize you. ~ D.J. MacHale