George Carlin Quotes

So if you hear something in this book that sounds like advocacy of a particular political point of view, please reject the notion. My interest in issues is merely to point out how badly we're doing, not to suggest a way we might do better.
Don't confuse me with those who cling to hope. I enjoy describing how things are, I have no interest in how they ought to be. And I certainly have no interest in fixing them. I sincerely believe that if you think there's a solution, you're part of the problem.
My motto: Fuck Hope.
P.S. In case you're wondering, personally I'm a joyful individual, I had a long happy marriage and a close and loving family, my career has turned out better than I ever dreamed, and it continues to expand. I'm a personal optimist, but a skeptic about all else. What may sound to some like anger, is really nothing more than sympathetic contempt. I view my species with a combination of wonder and pity, and I root for its destruction. And please don't confuse my point of view with cynicism–the real cynics are the ones who tell you everything's gonna be all right.
And P.P.S., by the way, if by some chance you folks do manage to straighten things out and make everything better, I still don't wish to be included. ~ George Carlin

I'm kinda like herpes, I just keep coming back. ~ George Carlin

There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies. ~ George Carlin

THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: 'Please stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police. ~ George Carlin

Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways? Just to be silly! ~ George Carlin

The violence of the Left is symbolic, the injuries are not intended. The violence of the Right is real - directed at people, designed to cause injuries. Vietnam, nuclear weapons, police out of control are intentional forms of violence. The violence from the Right is aimed directly at people and the violence from the Left is aimed at institutions and symbols. ~ George Carlin

I'm 60 years of age. That's 16 Celsius. ~ George Carlin

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. ~ George Carlin

A dog has no shame. If he can do it, you can watch. ~ George Carlin

Valentine's Day is devoted to love. Why don't we have a day devoted to hatred? The raw, visceral hatred that is felt every hour of the day by ordinary people, but is repressed for reasons of social order. I think it would be very cathartic, and it would certainly make for an exciting six o'clock news. ~ George Carlin

I do not believe in God. I'm an atheist. I consider myself a critical thinker, and it fascinates me that in the 21st century most people still believe in, as George Carlin puts it, 'the invisible man living in the sky' ~ Seth MacFarlane

I think you can talk about anything if the context is correctly arranged. If you set up the context and you bring the audience along carefully enough with you, you can get them to cross the line with you. What I try to do is talk about things that bother me, and I hope that in doing so I bother other people. ~ George Carlin

No one is ever more him/herself than when they really laugh. Their defenses are down. It's very Zen-like, that moment. They are completely open. ~ George Carlin

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. ~ George Carlin

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it. ~ George Carlin

We created god in our own image and likeness! ~ George Carlin

Obviously, there are people who constrict themselves and build walls around themselves, whether it's from a moral standpoint or a patriotic standpoint, or just plain old conformity, and who therefore live in those little prisons, and when things breach those walls, it's shocking for them. ~ George Carlin

Whever you see the word cuisine used instead of the word food, be prepared to pay an additional eighty percent. ~ George Carlin

Tonight's forecast: DARK. Continued mostly dark tonight, turning to wildly scattered light in the morning ~ George Carlin

I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed. ~ George Carlin

Show me one guy or woman as funny as Rodney Dangerfield or as good as George Carlin, Richard Pryor, Bill Cosby, or Joan Rivers. There are a lot of good comics out there, no doubt, but as far as the quality of the comics goes, I think what you have is a bunch of situational comics. ~ Chris Rock

Nothing rectifies out-of-control market failures like a healthy dose of
government intervention and mountains of bureaucracy. ~ George Carlin

Bullshit is truly the American soundtrack. ~ George Carlin

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going. ~ George Carlin

Sometimes when I'm told to use my own discretion, if no one is looking I'll use someone else's. But I always put it back. ~ George Carlin

As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up. ~ George Carlin

If you've got a cat and a leg, you've got a happy cat. If you've got a cat and two legs, you've got a party. ~ George Carlin

If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer. ~ George Carlin

Every day I think, 'Gosh, I wish I could be like George Carlin, Bill Maher: I want that edge.' But every time I start to get that edgy thing, I get kind of mean. ~ Tom Smothers

When I watched the Twin Towers fall, I said aloud to my naked friend, "There go our civil liberties." A few months later I called George Carlin and we were chatting about America's reaction to the attack. I told him my thoughts. He excused himself, put down the phone, and went and got his journal. As the Twin Towers fell, he had written, "There go our civil rights." I was so proud to have had a similar thought at a similar time to a genius. We were sad to be right. To react to an attack on our freedom with less freedom seems so deeply un-American. What ever happened to Yankee Doodle Dandy and "fuck you in the fucking neck"? ~ Penn Jillette

Fuck rational thought ~ George Carlin

I believe myself to be a worthwhile and inventive performer in my own right. [And] I want to be known for what I do best. ~ George Carlin

Personally I would never want to be a member of any group where you either have to wear a hat, or you can't wear a hat." ~ George Carlin

In some company it's perfectly all right to prick your finger, but very bad form to finger your prick. ~ George Carlin

I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in. ~ George Carlin

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. ~ George Carlin

I feel sorry for confetti. Its useful life lasts about two seconds. And it can never be used again. ~ George Carlin

So I want to thank the Pentagon, the Soviet Union and the military-industrial complex from the bottom of my heart. Without them, I could never have become the man I am today. ~ George Carlin

Did you ever stop to thnk about all the people we kill? They're always people who tell us to live together in harmony and try to love one another: Jesus, Ghandi, Lincoln, John Kennedy, Bobby Kennedy, Medgar Evers, Malcolm X, Martin Luther King, John Lennon. They all said: 'Try to live together peacefully.' BAM! Right in the f
in head! Aparently we're not ready for that! ~ George Carlin

If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely? ~ George Carlin

Never approach a crying woman entering a sports bar carrying a harpoon gun. ~ George Carlin

Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it. ~ George Carlin

I try not to see new comics - their acts or their films. Part of that is professional. I don't want to be influenced. But another part is fear and jealousy. I'm afraid to see how good they might be. I don't like that emotion, but it's part of me. ~ George Carlin

If there were only one cherry pie in the world, and Bill Clinton owned it, I might get a piece of it. If Bush or Reagan owned it, you'd have to kill them to get a piece of pie. That's my feeling about Bill. And Bill's a good bullshitter. America likes a good bullshitter. That's one of the reasons he was re-elected. Honesty has no place in politics. It would throw everything off. ~ George Carlin

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong. ~ George Carlin

I think there's a little more attention to human needs than to property rights. But I don't think much of political activism. It's so shortsighted. Most people are interested in their own personal comfort. I've said that about environmentalists. I think they care about bike paths and places to park their Volvos, not the planet as an abstraction. ~ George Carlin

Catholic, which I was until I reached the age of reason ~ George Carlin

Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity. ~ George Carlin

My tombstone? I'm thinking something along the lines of, 'Geez, he was just here a minute ago.' ~ George Carlin

I look at it this way ... For centuries now, man has done everything he can to destroy, defile, and interfere with nature: clear-cutting forests, strip-mining mountains, poisoning the atmosphere, over-fishing the oceans, polluting the rivers and lakes, destroying wetlands and aquifers ... so when nature strikes back, and smacks him on the head and kicks him in the nuts, I enjoy that. I have absolutely no sympathy for human beings whatsoever. None. And no matter what kind of problem humans are facing, whether it's natural or man-made, I always hope it gets worse. ~ George Carlin

All Christian religions are outer-directed. "Who can I convert?" "Let's go to this country and make them Christians." "Wear this." "Do that." "No, don't worship that way. Worship this way or I'll kill you - for the good of your soul, of course." Meanwhile, followers of Eastern religions are sitting in the middle of their minds, experiencing a bliss and a level of consciousness that Western man can't begin to approach. ~ George Carlin

Reminds me of something my grandfather would say. He'd say, "I'm goin' upstairs to fuck your grandmother." He was an honest man, and he wasn't going to bullshit a four-year-old. ~ George Carlin

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls. ~ George Carlin

In adolescence you have to separate yourself and establish your identity. So, being very independent anyway, I took charge. ~ George Carlin

We're all fucked. It helps to remember this. ~ George Carlin

I always wanted and enjoyed sex, but I never put much importance on scoring or having an athletic sex life. I guess I define myself more by my career and my commitment to a relationship than by my ability to have a lot of chicks or achieve ten orgasms in an evening. ~ George Carlin

Now, some people do this for shock value. Shock is just another uptown word for surprise. Granted it has a different quality to it, but a joke is about surprising someone. I'm a great believer in context. You can joke about anything. I do like finding out where the line is drawn, deliberately crossing it and bringing some of them with me across the line, and having them be happy that I did. ~ George Carlin

I don't have any beliefs or allegiances. I don't believe in this country, I don't believe in religion, or a god, and I don't believe in all these man-made institutional ideas. ~ George Carlin

We get what we deserve. They are our elected officials. ~ George Carlin

Is there another word for synonym? ~ George Carlin

If the shoe fits, buy another one just like it. ~ George Carlin

Looking back, I realize that my life has been a series of incidents where one person has said to another, "Get this asshole outta here!" ~ George Carlin

There's no harm in reviewing the past from time to time; knowing where you've been is part of knowing where you are, and all that happy horse shit. But the American media have an absolute fixation on this. They rob us of the present by insisting on the past. If they were able, I'm sure they would pay equal attention to the future. Trouble is, they don't have any film on it. ~ George Carlin

No, there's no God, but there might be some sort of an organizing intelligence, and I think to understand it is way beyond our ability. It's certainly not a judgmental entity. It's certainly not paternalistic and all these qualities that have been attributed to God. ~ George Carlin

Would a fly without wings be called a walk? ~ George Carlin

My motto: Fuck Hope! ~ George Carlin

The secret of success is doing something you love, doing it well and being recognized for it ~ George Carlin

Marry an orphan: you'll never have to spend boring holidays with the in-laws. ~ George Carlin

Suppose that you didn't make your Easter duty and it's Pentecost Sunday, the last day, and you're on a ship at sea. And the chaplain goes into a coma! But you wanted to receive. And then it's Monday, too late ... But then you cross the International Date Line! Would that then be a sin then, Father? ~ George Carlin

Political correctness is America's newest form of intolerance, and it is especially pernicious because it comes disguised as tolerance. It presents itself as fairness, yet attempts to restrict and control people's language with strict codes and rigid rules. I'm not sure that's the way to fight discrimination. I'm not sure silencing people or forcing them to alter their speech is the best method for solving problems that go much deeper than speech. ~ George Carlin

What exactly is 'viewer discretion'? If viewers had discretion, most television shows would not be on the air. ~ George Carlin

As much as I love my family, I enjoy it when the house is empty, because then I know I'm truly alone, as we all are on the planet, after all. Every atom in us is originally from a star. And during my moments of aloneness, I'm most mindful of that; that I'm just another group of matter randomly but wonderfully arranged. That's when I feel my immortality. ~ George Carlin

Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself. ~ George Carlin

If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone else. ~ George Carlin

Although the photographer and the art thief were close friends, neither had ever taken the other's picture. ~ George Carlin

Language is a tool for concealing the truth. If we could read each other's minds, this would be a horror show. ~ George Carlin

Tell people an invisible man in the sky created all things, they believe you. Tell them what you've painted is wet, they have to touch it to believe. ~ George Carlin

Political correctness is fascism pretending to be manners. ~ George Carlin

Why should I have to hide the fact that I don't believe there's a supreme being? There's no proof of it. There's no harm in saying you're an atheist. It doesn't mean you treat people any differently. I live by the Golden Rule to do unto others, as you'd want to be treated.
I just simply don't believe in religion, and I don't believe necessarily that there's a supreme being that watches over all of us. I follow the teachings of George Carlin. George said he worshipped the sun. He was a fellow atheist. I'm in good company ... Albert Einstein, Mark Twain, Charles Darwin. It's not like I'm not with good company and intelligent people. There have been some good, intelligent atheists who have lived in the world. ~ Jesse Ventura

If free trade can really turn all these Third World countries into thriving economies full of entrepreneurs and investors, who's gonna clean the fuckin' toilets around here? ~ George Carlin

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar. ~ George Carlin

Bullshit is the glue that binds us as a nation. ~ George Carlin

War is rich old men protecting their property by sending middle class and lower class young men off to die. It always has been. ~ George Carlin

I finally accepted Jesus. not as my personal savior, but as a man I intend to borrow money from. ~ George Carlin

I'm in favor of personal growth as long as it doesn't include malignant tumors. ~ George Carlin

I get tired of people talking about 'bad words' and 'bad language'. Bullshit! It's the context that makes them good or bad. ~ George Carlin

Religion is the worst thing that ever happened to mankind - the ironic part is that it's presented as a good thing, and its effect is absolutely catastrophic to individuals and to societies. ~ George Carlin

I don't own any stocks or bonds. All my money is tied up in debt. ~ George Carlin

You know who would make an interesting murder-suicide? Madeline Albright and Yanni. ~ George Carlin

I don't understand this notion of ethnic pride. "Proud to be Irish," "Puerto Rican pride," "Black pride." It seems to me that pride should be reserved for accomplishments; things you attain or achieve, not things that happen to you by chance. Being Irish isn't a skill; it's genetic. You wouldn't say, "I'm proud to have brown hair," or "I'm proud to be short and stocky." So why the fuck should you say you're proud to be Irish? I'm Irish, but I'm not particularly proud of it. Just glad! Goddamn glad to be Irish! ~ George Carlin

You can't be the fastest gun in town forever. There comes a time when you're not the golden boy, and you have to go off somewhere and figure yourself out. ~ George Carlin

No one who has had "Taps" played for them has ever been able to hear it. ~ George Carlin

People love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they can't do math. And they will readily admit to being awkward: 'I'm such a klutz!' But they will never admit to having a poor sense of humor or being a bad driver. ~ George Carlin

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60. ~ George Carlin

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim. ~ George Carlin

People have material needs, but you don't need a deodorant for every different day of the week. You don't need four hundred varieties of mustard. This is what I call too many choices. There are too many choices in America. ~ George Carlin

Tits always look better in a pink sweater. ~ George Carlin

The larger the group, the more toxic, the more of your beauty as an individual you have to surrender for the sake of group thought. And when you suspend your individual beauty you also give up a lot of your humanity. You will do things in the name of a group that you would never do on your own. Injuring, hurting, killing, drinking are all part of it, because you've lost your identity, because you now owe your allegiance to this thing that's bigger than you are and that controls you. ~ George Carlin

A lot of times when they catch a guy who killed twenty-seven people, they say, He was a loner. Well, of course he was a loner; he killed everyone he came in contact with. ~ George Carlin

Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers. ~ George Carlin