Ambrose Bierce Quotes

Funeral: a pageant whereby we attest our respect for the dead by enriching the undertaker, and strengthen our grief by an expenditure that deepens our groans and doubles our tears.

Habit: A shackle for the free.

CLOCK, n. A machine of great moral value to man, allaying his concern for the future by reminding him what a lot of time remains to him.

HUMORIST, n. A plague that would have softened down the hoar austerity of Pharaoh's heart and persuaded him to dismiss Israel with his best wishes, cat-quick.

rights, all true men engage. From women this ancient faith commands

ACCOUNTABILITY, n. The mother of caution.

DIAGNOSIS, n. A physician's forecast of disease by the patient's pulse and purse.

Resolute, adj. Obstinate in a course that we approve.

O God! what a thing it is to be a ghost, cowering and shivering in an altered world, a prey to apprehension and despair!

UNITARIAN, n. One who denies the divinity of a Trinitarian.

TEETOTALER, n. One who abstains from strong drink, sometimes totally, sometimes tolerably totally.

There was never a genius who was not thought a fool until he disclosed himself; whereas he is a fool then only.

POVERTY, n. A file provided for the teeth of the rats of reform. Its victims are distinguished by possession of all the virtues and by their faith in leaders seeking to conduct them into a prosperity where they believe these to be unknown.

MACE, n. A staff of office signifying authority. Its form, that of a heavy club, indicates its original purpose and use in dissuading from dissent.

Phoenix, n.
The classical prototype of the modern 'small hot bird.'

A Man having found a Lion in his path undertook to subdue him by the power of the human eye; and near by was a Rattlesnake engaged in fascinating a small bird. "How are you getting on, brother?" the Man called out to the other reptile, without removing his eyes from those of the Lion.

WASHINGTONIAN, n. A Potomac tribesman who exchanged the privilege of governing himself for the advantage of good government. In justice to him it should be said that he did not want to.

The clarinet is a musical instrument the only thing worse than which is two.

Consul - in American politics, a person who having failed to secure an office from the people is given one by the Administration on condition that he leave the country.

Ah, that we could fall into women's arms without falling into their hands.

LICKSPITTLE, n. A useful functionary, not infrequently found editing a newspaper ... the lickspittle is only the blackmailer under another aspect, although the latter is frequently found as an independent species.

The slightest acquaintance with history shows that powerful republics are the most warlike and unscrupulous of nations.

Academe, n.: An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught. Academy, n.: A modern school where football is taught.

REFERENDUM, n. A law for submission of proposed legislation to a popular vote to learn the nonsensus of public opinion.

Immoral is the judgment of the stalled ox on the gamboling lamb.

RATTLESNAKE, n. Our prostrate brother, "Homo ventrambulans".

MOUTH, n. In man, the gateway to the soul; in woman, the outlet of the heart.

An absolute monarchy is one in which the sovereign does as he pleases so long as he pleases the assassins.

REPENTANCE, n. The faithful attendant and follower of Punishment. It is usually manifest in a degree of reformation that is not inconsistent with continuity of sin.

WIDOW, n. A pathetic figure that the Christian world has agreed to take humorously, although Christ's tenderness towards widows was one of the most marked features of his character.

PHYSIOGNOMY, n. The art of determining the character of another by the resemblances and differences between his face and our own, which is the standard of excellence.

In the algebra of psychology, X stands for a woman's heart.

PERFECTION, n. An imaginary state of quality distinguished from the actual by an element known as excellence; an attribute of the critic.

RACK, n. An argumentative implement formerly much used in persuading devotees of a false faith to embrace the living truth. As a call to the unconverted the rack never had any particular efficacy, and is now held in light popular esteem.

Recollect, v. To recall with additions something not previously known.

MUSTANG, n. An indocile horse of the western plains. In English society, the American wife of an English nobleman.

INFALAPSARIAN, n. One who ventures to believe that Adam need not have sinned unless he had a mind to - in opposition to the Supralapsarians, who hold that that luckless person's fall was decreed from the beginning.

Worms'-Meat, n. The finished product of which we are the raw material. The contents of the Taj Mahal, the Tombeau Napoleon and the Granitarium. Worms'-meat is usually outlasted by the structure that houses it, but "this too must pass away." Probably the silliest work in which a human being can engage is construction of a tomb for himself. The solemn purpose cannot dignify, but only accentuates by contrast the foreknown futility.

APHORISM, n. Predigested wisdom. The flabby wine-skin of his brain Yields to some pathologic strain, And voids from its unstored abysm The driblet of an aphorism. "The Mad Philosopher," 1697

Peace in international affairs: a period of cheating between periods of fighting

OWE, v. To have (and to hold) a debt. The word formerly signified not indebtedness, but possession; it meant "own," and in the minds of debtors there is still a good deal of confusion between assets and liabilities.

Past, n. That part of Eternity with some small fraction of which we have a slight and regrettable acquaintance. A moving line called the Present parts it from an imaginary period known as the Future. These two grand divisions of Eternity, of which the one is continually effacing the other, are entirely unlike. The one is dark with sorrow and disappointment, the other bright with prosperity and joy ... Yet the Past is the Future of yesterday, the Future is the Past of to-morrow. They are one-the knowledge and the dream.

An archbishop is an ecclesiastical dignitary one point holier than a bishop.

Religion. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable.

RUSSIAN, n. A person with a Caucasian body and a Mongolian soul. A Tartar Emetic.

Insurrection. An unsuccessful revolution; disaffection's failure to substitute misrule for bad government.

Liar: A lawyer with a roving commission.

ARSENIC, n. A kind of cosmetic greatly affected by the ladies, whom it greatly affects in turn.

Die: To stop sinning suddenly.

The liberality of one who has much, in permitting one who has nothing to get all that he can.

Doubt, indulged and cherished, is in danger of becoming denial; but if honest, and bent on thorough investigation, it may soon lead to full establishment of the truth.

A statesman who shakes the fruit trees of his neighbors - to dislodge the worms.

WEAKNESSES, n.pl. Certain primal powers of Tyrant Woman wherewith she holds dominion over the male of her species, binding him to the service of her will and paralyzing his rebellious energies.

URBANITY, n. The kind of civility that urban observers ascribe to dwellers in all cities but New York. Its commonest expression is heard in the words, "I beg your pardon," and it is not consistent with disregard of the rights of others.

It has been observed
that one's nose is never so happy as when thrust into the affairs of
others from which some physiologists have drawn the inference that
the nose is devoid of the sense of smell.

GOOD, adj. Sensible, madam, to the worth of this present writer. Alive, sir, to the advantages of letting him alone.

RITE, n. A religious or semi-religious ceremony fixed by law, precept or custom, with the essential oil of sincerity carefully squeezed out of it.

RATIONAL, adj. Devoid of all delusions save those of observation, experience and reflection.

Appeal. In law, to put the dice into the box for another throw.

Insurance - an ingenious modern game of chance in which the player is permitted to enjoy the comfortable conviction that he is beating the man who keeps the table.

PLEBEIAN, n. An ancient Roman who in the blood of his country stained nothing but his hands. Distinguished from the Patrician, who was a saturated solution.

Even the laws of justice themselves cannot subsist without mixture of injustice.

Fashion, n. A despot whom the wise ridicule and obey.

There's nothing new under the sun, but there are lots of old things we don't know.

Women in love are less ashamed than men. They have less to be ashamed of.

The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor upon the business known as gambling.

Consult, v.t. To seek another's approval of a course already decided on. Contempt, n. The feeling of a prudent man for an enemy who is too formidable safely to be opposed.

INK, n. A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote intellectual crime.

Marriage, n: the state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two.

The ghost is the outward and visible signs of an inward fear.

Fork: An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting dead animals into the mouth.

Hippogriff, n. An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin. The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half eagle. The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one-quarter eagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study of zoology is full of surprises.

IMBECILITY, n. A kind of divine inspiration, or sacred fire affecting censorious critics of this dictionary.

PROVIDENTIAL, adj. Unexpectedly and conspicuously beneficial to the person so describing it.

TRUTHFUL, adj. Dumb and illiterate.

CARTESIAN, adj. Relating to Descartes, author of 'Cogito ergo sum' to demonstrate the reality of human existence. The dictum might be improved 'Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum' 'I think that I think, therefore I think that I am' as close an approach.

RAILROAD, n. The chief of many mechanical devices enabling us to get away from where we are to where we are no better off. For this purpose the railroad is held in highest favor by the optimist, for it permits him to make the transit with great expedition.

Unacquainted with grief, I knew not how to appraise my bereavement; I could not rightly estimate the strength of the stroke.

PILGRIM, n. A traveler that is taken seriously. A Pilgrim Father was one who [was] not permitted to sing psalms through his nose [in Europe], followed it to Massachusetts, where he could personate God according to the dictates of his conscience.

IMMORAL, adj. Inexpedient. Whatever in the long run and with regard to the greater number of instances men find to be generally inexpedient comes to be considered wrong, wicked, immoral.

Day, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent.

Disobey n:To celebrate with an appropriate ceremony the maturity of a command

A popular author is one who writes what the people think. Genius invites them to think something else.

PITY, n. A failing sense of exemption, inspired by contrast.

DISOBEDIENCE, n. The silver lining to the cloud of servitude.

NOVEL, n. A short story padded. A species of composition bearing the same relation to literature that the panorama bears to art. As it is too long to be read at a sitting the impressions made by its successive parts are successively effaced, as in the panorama. Unity, totality of effect, is impossible; for besides the few pages last read all that is carried in mind is the mere plot of what has gone before. To the romance the novel is what photography is to painting. Its distinguishing principle, probability, corresponds to the literal actuality of the photograph and puts it distinctly into the category of reporting; whereas the free wing of the romancer enables him to mount to such altitudes of imagination as he may be fitted to attain; and the first three essentials of the literary art are imagination, imagination and imagination. The art of writing novels, such as it was, is long dead everywhere except in Russia, where it is new. Peace to its ashes - some of which have a large sale.

MAN, n. An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be.

The man was Halpin Frayser. He lived in St. Helena, but where he lives now is uncertain, for he is dead.

PROBOSCIS, n. The rudimentary organ of an elephant which serves him in place of the knife-and-fork that Evolution has as yet denied him. For purposes of humor it is popularly called a trunk.

The circus a place where horses, ponies and elephants are permitted to see men, women and children acting the fool.

The world has suffered more from the ravages of ill-advised marriages than from virginity.

Hope is desire and expectation rolled into one.

PHILISTINE, n. One whose mind is the creature of its environment, following the fashion in thought, feeling and sentiment. He is sometimes learned, frequently prosperous, commonly clean and always solemn.

TALK, v.t. To commit an indiscretion without temptation, from an impulse without purpose.

The creator and arbiter of beauty is the heart; to the male rattlesnake the female rattlesnake is the loveliest thing in nature.

Birth, n.: The first and direst of all disasters.

Before undergoing a surgical operation, arrange your temporal affairs. You may live.

R.I.P. A careless abbreviation of "requiescat in pace", attesting to indolent goodwill to the dead. According to the learned Dr. Drigge, however, the letters originally meant nothing more than "reductus in pulvis".

MINISTER, n. An agent of a higher power with a lower responsibility. In diplomacy, an officer sent into a foreign country as the visible embodiment of his sovereign's hostility.

Ambidextrous, adj.: Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left.