Funny American Football Quotes

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Quotes About Funny American Football

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I have seen women walk right past a TV set with a football game on and - this always amazes me - not stop to watch, even if the TV is showing replays of what we call a "good hit," which is a tackle that causes at least one major internal organ to actually fly out of a player's body. ~ Dave Barry
Funny American Football quotes by Dave Barry
I'm a light eater. As soon as it's light, I start to eat. ~ Art Donovan
Funny American Football quotes by Art Donovan
Distance running to a professional athlete in my day was five laps around the field. And you stopped each lap to take your pulse. ~ Lynn Swann
Funny American Football quotes by Lynn Swann
People say I'll be drafted in the first round, maybe even higher. ~ Craig Heyward
Funny American Football quotes by Craig Heyward
If you're mad at your kid, you can either raise him to be a nose tackle or send him out to play on the freeway. It's about the same. ~ Bob Golic
Funny American Football quotes by Bob Golic
There are several differences between a football game and a revolution. For one thing, a football game usually lasts longer and the participants wear uniforms. Also, there are usually more casualties in a football game. The object of the game is to move a ball past the other team's goal line. This counts as six points. No points are given for lacerations, contusions, or abrasions, but then no points are deducted, either. Kicking is very important in football. In fact, some of the more enthusiastic players even kick the ball, occasionally. ~ Alfred Hitchcock
Funny American Football quotes by Alfred Hitchcock
If the Super Bowl is really the ultimate game, why do they play it again next year? ~ Duane Thomas
Funny American Football quotes by Duane Thomas
Football is, after all, a wonderful way to get rid of your aggressions without going to jail for it. ~ Woody Hayes
Funny American Football quotes by Woody Hayes
If I drop dead tomorrow, at least I'll know I died in good health. ~ Bum Phillips
Funny American Football quotes by Bum Phillips
Football combines two of the worst things in American life. It is violence punctuated by committee meetings. ~ George F. Will
Funny American Football quotes by George F. Will
Men are clinging to football on a level we aren't even aware of. For centuries, we ruled everything, and now, in the last ten minutes, there are all these incursions by women. It's our Alamo. ~ Tony Kornheiser
Funny American Football quotes by Tony Kornheiser
Detroit's so bad this year they might lose their bye week. ~ Dennis Miller
Funny American Football quotes by Dennis Miller
Not only does he have the NFC East record for touchdowns, but also the team record. ~ Emmitt Smith
Funny American Football quotes by Emmitt Smith
The only way to stop Jim Brown was to give him a movie contract. ~ Carl "Spider" Lockhart
Funny American Football quotes by Carl
I'd catch a punt naked, in the snow, in Buffalo, for a chance to play in the NFL. ~ Steve Henderson
Funny American Football quotes by Steve Henderson
In order to gain the respect of your players in the locker room, you can't just perform on Saturday. You have to do it consistently during practices, meetings, and in the weight room. ~ Junior Seau
Funny American Football quotes by Junior Seau
I think it is high time that Europe starts to understand that we do not rule the world anymore, and that some former European imperial powers can no longer impress their will on to others in far away places, and we must accept that football has moved away from being a European and South American sport: it has become the World Sport that billions of fans are excitedly following every week, everywhere in the world. ~ Sepp Blatter
Funny American Football quotes by Sepp Blatter
What y'all ladies got to share? Hmmm, what you bitches got?"

Aunt Georgia sighed and squinted at the boy. She said, "The Lord loves a cheerful giver, but I'm just not in the mood."

The thug moved his hand from his crotch to his scalp, still scratching. "What in the hell's that supposed to mean?" Mrs. Cleveland raised and pumped her walking stick, which, it turned out, was a double-barreled shotgun.

"It means take one more step," she said, "and I'll blast you to hell, you ignorant-ass bastard. ~ Jabari Asim
Funny American Football quotes by Jabari Asim
Baseball and American football and hockey are all ahead because they have a history. The MLS is kind of new. So hopefully, in time, and with players coming and trying to develop the game, and the U.S. team also doing well - at the last World Cup, they finished above England and created some buzz. ~ Thierry Henry
Funny American Football quotes by Thierry Henry
The superior man blames himself. The inferior man blames others. ~ Don Shula
Funny American Football quotes by Don Shula
And of course in America you've got American football and baseball and all those other ball games, soccer has become a little niche that the women have kind of filled. ~ Parminder Nagra
Funny American Football quotes by Parminder Nagra
[American football] fanbase resemble that of contemporary boxing: rich people watching poor people play a game they would never play themselves. ~ Chuck Klosterman
Funny American Football quotes by Chuck Klosterman
Finally, in the midst of the Civil War, Abraham Lincoln proclaimed the last Thursday of November 1863 as Thanksgiving: a day to solemnly acknowledge the sacrifices made for the Union ... Shopping was part of the American Dream, too. So in 1939, at the urging of merchants, FDR moved Thanksgiving ahead a week, to lengthen the Christmas shopping season. And there it has remained, a day of national gluttony, retail pageantry, TV football, and remembrance of the Pilgrims, a folk so austere that they regarded Christmas as a corrupt Papist holiday. ~ Tony Horwitz
Funny American Football quotes by Tony Horwitz
Who but the sports-mad [Norman] Mailer would liken the battle between God and the Devil to a game of American football? The contest, for sure, has with [sic] own laws (so that after God and the Devil 'tackle a guy, they don't kick him in the head'), but each side is not above cheating - with God breaking the rules occasionally by throwing in 'a miracle'. Strangely, Mailer doesn't mention Jesus in this agonising analogy, but then the notion of the 'super-sub' may be an image too far even for him. ~ Christopher Hitchens
Funny American Football quotes by Christopher Hitchens
Success is about having, excellence is about being. Success is about having money and fame, but excellence is being the best you can be. ~ Mike Ditka
Funny American Football quotes by Mike Ditka
It was a survival thing: he didn't answer back, didn't say anything about job security for prison guards, debate the nature of repentance, rehabilitation, or rates of recidivism. He didn't say anything funny or clever, and, to be on the safe side, when he was talking to a prison official, whenever possible, he didn't say anything at all. Speak when you're spoken to. Do your own time. Get out. Go home ... Rebuild a life. ~ Neil Gaiman
Funny American Football quotes by Neil Gaiman
I've been playing American football since I was six years old. I was a captain of my high school team, playing strong safety. ~ Gabriel Luna
Funny American Football quotes by Gabriel Luna
Soccer's appeal lay in its opposition to the other popular sports. For children of the sixties, there was something abhorrent about enrolling kids in American football, a game where violence wasn't just incidental but inherent. They didn't want to teach the acceptability of violence, let alone subject their precious children to the risk of physical maiming. Baseball, where each batter must stand center stage four or five times a game, entailed too many stressful, potentially ego-deflating encounters. Basketball, before Larry Bird's prime, still had the taint of the ghetto.
But soccer represented something very different. It was a tabula rasa, a sport onto which a generation of parents could project their values. Quickly, soccer came to represent the fundamental tenets of yuppie parenting, the spirit of Sesame Street and Dr. Benjamin Spock. ~ Franklin Foer
Funny American Football quotes by Franklin Foer
Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart enough to understand the game, and dumb enough to think it's important. ~ Eugene McCarthy
Funny American Football quotes by Eugene McCarthy
Everyone tells me I have a funny accent. It's because I copy people. I learned English at school but have best friends who are French, Australian, English and American; a very weird mix. ~ Caroline Winberg
Funny American Football quotes by Caroline Winberg
Needs? I guess that is what bothers so many folks. They keep expanding their needs until they are dependent on too many things and too many other people ... I wonder how many things in the average American home could be eliminated if the question were asked, "Must I really have this?" I guess most of the extras are chalked up to comfort or saving time.
Funny thing about comfort - one man's comfort is another man's misery. Most people do't work hard enough physically anymore, and comfort is not easy to find. It is surprising how comfortable a hard bunk can be after you come down off a mountain. ~ Richard Proenneke
Funny American Football quotes by Richard Proenneke
The standard four food groups are based on American agricultural lobbies. Why do we have a milk group? Because we have a National Dairy Council. Why do we have a meat group? Because we have an extremely powerful meat lobby. ~ Marion Nestle
Funny American Football quotes by Marion Nestle
Let's put to rest one cliché. You can sell refrigerators to Eskimos. The people of Savoonga are Yupiks, the westernmost of the Eskimo tribes, closer to Siberians than American Eskimos in their appearance, and their customs, and their distinctive, liquidly sibilant native language. And, yes, they all have refrigerators. In the winter, food gets freezer burn if left out in the elements. Eskimos need refrigerators to keep their food warm. ~ Gene Weingarten
Funny American Football quotes by Gene Weingarten
American football seems to resemble soccer in that one scores by putting the ball through the opponent's goal; but football, truly is about land. The Settlers want to move the line of scrimmage Westward, the Native Americans want to move it East. ~ David Mamet
Funny American Football quotes by David Mamet
I'M LOSING FAITH IN MY FAVORITE COUNTRY

Throughout my life, the United States has been my favorite country, save and except for Canada, where I was born, raised, educated, and still live for six months each year. As a child growing up in Waterloo, Ontario, Canada, I aggressively bought and saved baseball cards of American and National League players, spent hours watching snowy images of American baseball and football games on black and white television and longed for the day when I could travel to that great country. Every Saturday afternoon, me and the boys would pay twelve cents to go the show and watch U.S. made movies, and particularly, the Superman serial. Then I got my chance. My father, who worked for B.F. Goodrich, took my brother and me to watch the Cleveland Indians play baseball in the Mistake on the Lake in Cleveland. At last I had made it to the big time. I thought it was an amazing stadium and it was certainly not a mistake. Amazingly, the Americans thought we were Americans.

I loved the United States, and everything about the country: its people, its movies, its comic books, its sports, and a great deal more. The country was alive and growing. No, exploding. It was the golden age of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. The American dream was alive and well, but demanded hard work, honesty, and frugality. Everyone understood that. Even the politicians.

Then everything changed.

Partly because of its proximity to ~ Stephen Douglass
Funny American Football quotes by Stephen Douglass
At the high school level, the coaches get these kids in revenue-driven sports and take them away from baseball. There's so much pressure on these kids to even play spring football. We need to get the African-American players back in the game, which I think would make it not only a better game, but more exciting and entertaining for everyone. ~ Pat Gillick
Funny American Football quotes by Pat Gillick
I don't like to lose, and that isn't so much because it is just a football game, but because defeat means the failure to reach your objective. I don't want a football player who doesn't take defeat to heart, who laughs it off with the thought, "Oh, well, there's another Saturday." The trouble in American life today, in business as well as in sports, is that too many people are afraid of competition. The result is that in some circles people have come to sneer at success if it costs hard work and training and sacrifice. ~ Knute Rockne
Funny American Football quotes by Knute Rockne
We are all born naked into this world, but each of us is fully clothed in potential. ~ Emmitt Smith
Funny American Football quotes by Emmitt Smith
Nobody ever lost a dollar by underestimating the taste of the American public. ~ P.T. Barnum
Funny American Football quotes by P.T. Barnum
When I did TV shows and movies, the studios did demographic research. They were shocked to find that my audience isn't just men who are too drunk to turn off the TV after football. It's women, too. I don't know exactly why, other than that I've tried to remain true to myself for all these years. I have gone through a lot, and I've been open about it. Maybe they look at me and can see how you can grow up, have children, continue to be sexy, get married and divorced and, though you grew up poor, live the American dream. I'm very blessed. I'm happy for it all. ~ Pamela Anderson
Funny American Football quotes by Pamela Anderson
It's alive and well everywhere. Native Americans get a lot of crap in the West and south west. Muslims get treated like crap in just about every country in the Western world lately. Black people are mistreated in some parts of the US still. There are black people who are racist against white people. I've recently encountered someone who decided they couldn't tolerate my presence because I'm catholic, which according them makes me a pedophile, Satan worshipper and a whore.

I've even encountered discrimination from people over seas for being American. Especially with my cousin's friends from England. They were rude to me the entire visit. They thought that I had to be an ignorant, xenophobic, racist slob just because I was from America and they spent most of the time trying to pick a fight with me to prove it.

Racism exists, but don't take the comments you read online seriously. A good 80-90% of those are trolls looking for attention or a bored teenager who thinks it's funny to be an idiot. ~ Kathryn Stockett
Funny American Football quotes by Kathryn Stockett
Phoebe Hurty hired me to write copy for ads about teen aged clothes. I had to wear the clothes I praised. That was part of the job. And I became friends with her two sons, who were my age. I was over at their house all the time.

She would talk bawdily to me and her sons, and our girlfriends when we brought them around. She was funny. She was liberating. She taught us to be impolite in conversation not only about sexual matters, but about American history and famous heroes, about the distribution of wealth, about school, about everything.

I now make my living being impolite. I am clumsy at it. I keep trying to imitate the impoliteness which was so graceful in Phoebe Hurty. I think now that grace was easier for her than it is for me because of the mood of the Great Depression. She believed what so many Americans believed then: that the nation would be happy and just and rational when prosperity came.

I never hear that word anymore: Prosperity. It used to be a synonym for Paradise. And Phoebe Hurty was able to believe that the impoliteness she recommended would give shape to an American paradise.

Now her sort of impoliteness is in fashion. But nobody believes anymore in a new American paradise. I sure miss Phoebe Hurty. ~ Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
Funny American Football quotes by Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
It was weird - writing is a stupid thing to do. I come up here in the morning to a pleasant room in the roof of my house and imagine I'm a black South American football superstar; then I have to imagine I'm a female pop celebrity who's pregnant. It's a completely mad way to spend your time. ~ Mal Peet
Funny American Football quotes by Mal Peet
One single great player doesn't make anything for a team; it has to be a team. I think [American] football is the greatest team sport there is because you have to depend on your brother next to you. ~ Tim Tebow
Funny American Football quotes by Tim Tebow
All you crazy white people "I'm American!", all you did was come out of your mother's pussy on American soil. That's it. That's it! What, you think you're better than somebody from France 'cause you came out of a pussy in Detroit? ~ Chris Rock
Funny American Football quotes by Chris Rock
Before we can talk about a championship, we have to practice like a championship team. ~ Mike Singletary
Funny American Football quotes by Mike Singletary
If everything Fox News says about liberals were actually true, I'd hate liberals too. ~ Oliver Markus Malloy
Funny American Football quotes by Oliver Markus Malloy
Coca-Cola remains emblematic of the best and worst of America and Western civilization. The history of Coca-Cola is the often funny story of a group of men obsessed with putting a trivial soft drink "within an arm's reach of desire." But at the same time, it is a microcosm of American history. Coca-Cola grew up with the country, shaping and shaped by the times. The drink not only helped to alter consumption patterns, but attitudes toward leisure, work, advertising, sex, family life, and patriotism. ~ Mark Pendergrast
Funny American Football quotes by Mark Pendergrast
The sex act is emotionally the richest and the most imaginatively charged event in our lives, comparable only to the embrace of our children as a source of affection and mystery. But no kinaesthetic language has yet been devised to describe it in detail, and without one we are in the position of an unqualified observer viewing an operation for brain surgery. Ballet, gymnastics, American football and judo are furnished with elaborate kinaesthetic languages, but it's still easier to describe the tango or the cockpit take-off procedures for a 747 than to recount in detail an act of love. ~ J.G. Ballard
Funny American Football quotes by J.G. Ballard
Burroughs's voice is hard, derisive, inventive, free, funny, serious, poetic, indelibly American. ~ Joan Didion
Funny American Football quotes by Joan Didion
It is essential to understand that battles are primarily won in the hearts of men. Men respond to leadership in a most remarkable way and once you have won his heart, he will follow you anywhere. ~ Vince Lombardi
Funny American Football quotes by Vince Lombardi
I suppose the latest thing is to sit back and let Mr. Nobody from Nowhere make love to your wife. ~ F Scott Fitzgerald
Funny American Football quotes by F Scott Fitzgerald
It's funny - when I started acting, I didn't know I was going to be talking about Asian-American issues so much. You know what, though? It just comes with the territory, being ethnic. ~ Justin Chon
Funny American Football quotes by Justin Chon
I don't understand American football at all. It looks like all-in wrestling with crash helmets. ~ Sting
Funny American Football quotes by Sting
One thing I don't understand is that average American movie-goers cannot watch a movie for three hours, yet they'll watch a stupid, boring, horrific football game for four hours. Now, that is boredom at its most colossal. ~ Quentin Tarantino
Funny American Football quotes by Quentin Tarantino
Pop culture. Nobody does bullshit better than us. Right? China took over manufacturing. And the Middle East has us on fossil fuels. That's just geography and politics. We're a nation of whacko immigrants. Scavengers and con men. We crossed the ocean on faith, stole some land and stone-cold made up a whole country out of nothing but balls and bullshit. Superhero comics got invented by crazy genius Jews who showed up and revamped the refugee experience into a Man of Steel sent from Krypton with a secret identity. ~ Damon Suede
Funny American Football quotes by Damon Suede
One of these days, someone smarter and younger and more articulate than I is going to get through to the American people just how really messed up the federal government has become. And when that happens, the American people are going to rise up like that football crowd in Cleveland and run both teams off the field. ~ Zell Miller
Funny American Football quotes by Zell Miller
I always thought I could play pro ball. I had confidence in my ability, You have to. If you don't who will? ~ Johnny Unitas
Funny American Football quotes by Johnny Unitas
I never really lost a game in my career, sometimes I just ran out of time. ~ Bobby Layne
Funny American Football quotes by Bobby Layne
I am not talking about the American people and the British people, I am talking about those mercenaries ... They have started throwing those pencils, but they are not pencils, they are booby traps to kill the children. ~ Mohammed Saeed Al-Sahaf
Funny American Football quotes by Mohammed Saeed Al-Sahaf
I'll tell you, there were only a few games in my career where I was totally oblivious to everything around me, where I was in the zone. ~ Lawrence Taylor
Funny American Football quotes by Lawrence Taylor
Every black American is bilingual. All of them. We speak street vernacular and we speak 'job interview.' ~ Dave Chappelle
Funny American Football quotes by Dave Chappelle
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